Day 128: My Experience with Baby Cesar - The Beginning

Leila had been pregnant for almost 9 months before Cesar was born, but my mind had not been able to 'conceptualize' what was happening or what was about to happen, that a baby would join us on the farm. Whenever I had attempted to imagine what it would be like to have Cesar on the farm before he was born, my mind would just go blank. We could read up on babies, what babies do and what they go through - but it doesn't really prepare you for the actuality of a baby being here with you. So, when Cesar was born and I met him, he was sleeping. And that's all it was - he was here now - and that's that.

Back home I was a bit reluctant to for instance hold Cesar, so I was quite reserved and rather observed what Leila and Gian did. The fear existed of having this innocent, physical child and somehow influencing him, by somehow not being clear in one's starting point or having some program or system running that one is not aware of and that Cesar would pick up on, on a resonant/physical or energetic level. At the same time there was an uncomfortability due to 'not knowing' how to hold a baby - where initially one does everything in slow-motion to be extra aware of where each hand is and where he is supported and where not - and with every grunt/sound/face Cesar made, exchanging glances with Leila/Gian so as to ask 'is this okay? am I doing something wrong that he is reacting to?' - lol. Sunette assisted a lot with giving suggestions on how to be around Cesar - to ensure that one is in one's own physical body - breathing - physically anchored - and to speak with low voices - not soft, but low, grounded. The second time I held Cesar, he was sleeping and I was sitting in Leila's rocking chair. While holding him I focused on my breath - clearing any tensions until I was present as myself in every part of my body. At that moment, it was as though Cesar and my body 'melted together' - there was no more separation - we were both here in the physical, equal and one.

I'll continue sharing more of my experiences with Cesar in this blog in the time to come - enjoy!

2 comments:

Day 127: My Child is Different - What do I do?

This blog-post is part of a series - for full perspective, please also read:

Day 124: Parenthood 1 - There Is Something Wrong with my Baby - Part 1
Day 125: Parenthood Ep.1 - There Is Something Wrong with my Baby - Part 2
Day 126: Parenthood Ep.1 - My Life to Hell

When and as I see myself participating in the idea/judgment/thought/belief that there is something wrong with my child because he/she is in some way different - I stop, I breathe - I realize that normality only exists as a perception and categorization in the mind and that in essence, each one is the same, yet with different aspects of themselves more/more specifically developed/prominent and other aspects less/less specifically developed/prominent - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the judgment and see my child for who he/she is and see how I am able to best support my child.

When and as I see myself participating in the idea/judgment/thought/belief that there must be something wrong with me for having a child that is 'abnormal' and feeling guilty about my child apparenty being different from the norm - I stop, I breathe - I realize that the child will reflect to myself who I am as a mirror of manifested consequence of what I as well as the entirety of humanity has accepted and allowed - and thus, as it is here - I commit myself to take responsibility for the child as myself, not within guilt or pity - but in equality and oneness as how I would like to be supported if I were the child.

When and as I see myself participating in fear that my child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life where I participate in pity and guilt towards the child - I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am projecting unto the child my own fear of being in such a situation where if I were in some way different from the 'norm', I would see this as a 'condition' and a constant to which I must submit and to which I must submit my entire existence, of which I am now apparently the victim, and where I would believe my survival is threatened due to not conforming to the norm - and thus, I realize that in whichever way the child is different is not something that just came falling out of the sky or 'happened to the child' as per a stroke of bad luck, but was created through participation in certain patterns over time of which the child is the manifested consequence - and thus, that there is no such thing as being a victim - only a showing of what has been accepted and allowed and thus - I commit myself to firstly correct within myself the patterns that created the 'abnormality' within my child and to then show the child how he/she is able to assist and support himself/herself to stand up from within it - empowering the child instead of limiting it by defining the child and viewing it as 'the condition'.

When and as I see myself participating in future projections of how the child's life will be like due to how the child is different from the norm - I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am participating in worst-case-scenario doomsday projections based in fear - and thus, I commit myself to stop and let go within the understanding/insight/realization that I cannot predict the future, as one can only predict the future according to patterns, and thus, it is to change the pattern to create the best possible outcome.

When and as I see myself participating in pity and sadness and an experience of 'loss' within imagining/thinking that the child's life will not be what I would've wanted it to be - I stop, I breathe - I realize that the very fact that I had an idea of what I want the child's life to be indicates that I have personal issues of fears and desires that I am projecting and superimposing unto the child and that I am attempting to 'fix my issues' through my child living their life differently/having a different life experience - and thus, I commit myself to let go of any ideas, fears and desires I have in relation to what the child's life will be, but instead assist and support my child to develop into a self-responsible and self-directive being so that he/she can decide for himself/herself how to give shape to his/her own life.

When and as I see myself participating in disappointment because the child does not conform to the idea I had of who the child would be as a perfect, cute child, part of my perfect happy family - I stop, I breathe - I realize that such disappointment indicates there was an expectation towards the child fulfilling me and thus that there was self-interest within my starting-point for having a child - where it was not to unconditionally support the child for his/her sake - but to have the child become a tool in a plan for self-fulfillment and self-gratification to live out my own dreams and desires - and thus, I commit myself to correct my starting point and my relation with my child - to let go of my own self-interest within it and re-align my starting point towards what is best for all involved.

When and as I see myself participating in fear of how my life will change and how much I/my family will have to sacrifice on an emotional level when hearing that my child is in some way 'different' - I stop, I breathe - I realize that in that moment, I am immediately stating that I am emotionally unstable and that I don't have what it takes to face a challenge and take it through towards the best possible outcome, immediately giving up before I have even started, in essence trying to flee from failure - and thus, I commit myself to let go of any preconceived ideas, to take it moment by moment and direct points as they come up, both within and as the family as within and as myself - to not accept and allow myself to accumulate emotional reactions through suppression until it bursts out into a breakdown - and thus, committing myself to, even if much requires practical direction around me, to make the time to also take care of myself and not allow myself to 'keep things in' without facing and working through them - so that the challenge is not a personal sacrifice, but an actual learning and strengthening process.

When and as I see myself participating in future projections and pictures about how expensive it will be to give extra care to one child and how other family members including myself may have to pass on things we would've wanted to do, just so the extra-care needing child can receive this extra care - I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am accelerating in my mind and making assumptions about the costs that are involved - and thus, I commit myself to first do the research, to after comprehensive research and having clarity on all the available options, make practical decisions that will best support the family and all members in it.

0 comments:

Day 126: Parenthood Ep.1 - My Life to Hell

I am here starting to walk a series as I go through the episodes of Parenthood wherein I'll work my way through various aspects of parenthood where throughout generations parents have tended to behave in similar ways in certain situations - and so, taking the opportunity to release pre-conceived ideas and copied-over behaviors about parenting/parenthood and considering what would be a best-for-all approach in such a situation. So - note that these are not situations that I am faced with in my life currently, but am taking responsibility for within seeing that: it could've been me. Herein - I invite everyone to share your own perspectives in the comment section - other points you may have observed or other possible solutions!

In the first Episode of Season one of the series Parenthood, Krstina and Adam get to hear that their son, Max, might have Asperger syndrome - both use the words 'there is something wrong with my baby/son' to describe the situation. This is one of the big fears parents have - that their child will be different, that it will be abnormal, that it will be disadvantaged, that it will be dysfunctional - and where this is then labeled as 'wrong'. There are a few aspects to this point.

1. Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing guilt about it.
2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.
3. Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.
4. Fear of how the parents' lives will change and how much they will have to sacrifice for the child - emotionally, financially and practically.


In the Previous Blog-posts I worked through points 1 to 3, here opening up number 4 with Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my son/daughter is in some way different, immediately start worrying and becoming afraid about how my life will change and how much i will have to sacrifice to meet the needs of my child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different, immediately assume that my life will be an emotional roller-coaster and I an emotional wreck for the remainder of my life - immediately accepting the belief and idea that my life will be miserable and that I will be miserable - where I then immediately go through an experience of 'loss' - because of the perception of losing the future that I had expected to receive, one where the child would have fulfilled me, made me a happier person, more at peace within myself in the idea that I would finally be fulfilling my purpose.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - in that moment of reaction - immediately create my life to be one of emotional turmoil, where I immediately accept and allow the belief that I am not stable and that I cannot be stable - that I don't have what it takes to face a challenge and see it through towards the best possible outcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different, immediately give up before having started, deciding that I will fail at the task ahead and that I will be beating myself up for it for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different and requires extra care - immediately invoke a picture in my mind of a stack of bills to be paid and a red number on my bank account and letters from the bank reminding me to pay off my debt, as a projection of how I think the future will look like, where I experience a loss of security and financial stability - thinking/believing/presuming that I 'know' the future - when in fact, I have not even begun to investigate what kind of care is involved, what the options are and what can practically be done to ensure a stable financial future - instead, simply going into a 'doomsday state of mind' and believing that this is the only possible outcome, victimizing myself entirely towards the situation and not taking any responsibility for who I am in that moment, towards myself or towards my child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic upon finding out that my child requires some form of extra care with added expenses, wherein I immediately project my family finding itself in financial jeopardy - imagining both myself and my husband and any other child I may have, struggling to get by and having to pass up on opportunities that are no longer affordable - and wherein I immediately blame the 'extra-care-needing child' for this situation, even though such scenario hasn't even manifested or is in no way a certain outcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different and requires extra care - immediately project in my mind how the child will be a burden in my life and how I will have to give up all the things that I enjoy 'just for me', wherein any hobbies or activities or simply 'me-time' will no longer be possible and where i will have to compromise all my other relationships with other beings just to be able to take care of the extra-care-needing child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different and requires extra care - to immediately feel bitter towards my child, myself and my life - because I feel that all that I had worked for my entire life to ensure my preferred outcome, is all being flushed down the toilet in that singular moment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within that singular moment of reaction, I would be founding my entire relationship with the child on an experience of blame, bitterness and resentment towards it - where, in every interaction with the child, directly or indirectly, the blame, bitterness and resentment will in some way resonate and the child will be aware of it - immediately affecting and influencing how the child perceives him/herself and from there, compromising its life experience entirely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become selfish in how I will look at the situation in terms of what I will have to give up - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that it is about what I am able to give as I would like to be given if I were the child.

0 comments:

Day 125: Parenthood Ep.1 - There Is Something Wrong with my Baby - Part 2

I am here starting to walk a series as I go through the episodes of Parenthood wherein I'll work my way through various aspects of parenthood where throughout generations parents have tended to behave in similar ways in certain situations - and so, taking the opportunity to release pre-conceived ideas and copied-over behaviors about parenting/parenthood and considering what would be a best-for-all approach in such a situation. So - note that these are not situations that I am faced with in my life currently, but am taking responsibility for within seeing that: it could've been me. Herein - I invite everyone to share your own perspectives in the comment section - other points you may have observed or other possible solutions!

In the first Episode of Season one of the series Parenthood, Krstina and Adam get to hear that their son, Max, might have Asperger syndrome - both use the words 'there is something wrong with my baby/son' to describe the situation. This is one of the big fears parents have - that their child will be different, that it will be abnormal, that it will be disadvantaged, that it will be dysfunctional - and where this is then labeled as 'wrong'. There are a few aspects to this point.

1. Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing guilt about it.
2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.
3. Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.
4. Fear of how the parents' lives will change and how much they will have to sacrifice for the child - emotionally, financially and practically.


In the previous blog-post I opened up points 1 and 2 in Self-Forgiveness. Here I continue with point 3:

3. Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed in seeing that my child is not/will not be what I had expected my child will be/become - and so, to also become angry within myself, because I had invested myself within having a family and having children with the prospect of having a particular outcome as a happy family, with lovely children who are successful and unique - and now it doesn't turn out to be like that and now it feels like it's not fair, because I want a reward for all my hard work and investments and sacrifices and now they don't 'pay off' in terms of giving me what I wanted to get as a result.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a family and to have children so that I can experience myself in a perfect happy family, because I feel that I never experienced that in my life because my family was never a perfect happy family as portrayed in movies or what I would see in a friend's house - and so i felt 'robbed' of that experience as something I was entitled to and now I want to manifest such an experience within my life by being a parent in such a family set-up in an attempt to make up for my experience as a child - not realizing that this is impossible, as the past has already happened and there is no way of undoing it and that it is instead a matter of letting go of ideas about injustice being done unto me and letting go of a state of self-victimization in relation to the family I grew up in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a feeling of injustice, of being wronged because I didn't 'get to' experience family-life as is portrayed in books and families, and so believed that there was something wrong with me and my life, that there was something missing because of this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that such perfect families actually exist, instead of seeing and realizing that harmonious families of support, consideration and respect cannot exist unless each member of the family supports, considers and respects themselves firstly - and so, that families as portrayed in movies/books are in no way an indication that such families actually exist and that the brief moments I would spend in other families are likewise not an indication of what the family is like, because so much happens under the surface that is hidden from sight that no-one actually knows what happens in the homes of others and on what level abuse takes place.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that that which I looked for as love, respect, support and consideration in a family, is actually what I required to learn to give myself - and so, that I in fact separated me from myself and me from my family members through defining love, respect, support and consideration as an expectation within them - as though they are supposed to provide me with it and give it to me - and so, that the lack I experienced had in fact nothing to do with my family set-up or family members but with myself and only with myself - and so, I allow myself to be grateful for the family I grew up in as it enabled me to see what I was not giving to myself and from there, could develop my relationship with myself to be self-loving, self-respecting, self-supporting and self-considering.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a feeling and state of self-victimization in relation to the family I grew up in, where I am in fact holding on to blame towards my family set-up/family members in how I experienced myself in my childhood and throughout the rest of my life, where I used my family as an excuse for all my 'weaknesses' - and so, in fact holding on to the past and a state of self-victimization because of not wanting to let go of the excuses as to why i was not supporting myself, why i was not pushing myself to correct my own mistakes, why I was not attempting to better myself, why i was allowing myself to repeat the same patterns over and over, etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my starting point for starting a family to be in the past - not realizing that when my starting point to create something is in the past, I am not in fact creating, but I am only ensuring that the past repeats - because if my starting point is in the past, then it means that I have unresolved issues towards my past - and therefore, i cannot create anything original/new until i have faced my past through walking it again - until who I am is no longer defined by my past, and so i can in fact create as here, equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - in noticing that my child is different from what I had expected my child to be/become - immediately blame the child for not fulfilling my desires of a perfect happy family - again utilizing blame as an excuse to place myself in an inferior position, where I am now again apparently the victim of another imposing difficult family situations unto me - instead of realizing that my child is a direct consequence of my acceptances and allowances, and therefore - is specific in relation to my process - and therefore, to immediately investigate how I have created my child as how my child is and to take responsibility for myself within this creational process - actually facing myself within my child, instead of blaming my child for an experience I am not getting.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that this process is not about getting to experience the perfect life - where we now apparently get a chance at everything we missed out on - but that it is in fact about facing ourselves in every gory detail - and therefore, any happy-go-lucky situation of bliss will indicate deception as it would merely be a hiding place to not take responsibility for oneself and for this world as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a picture of the perfect happy family with a father and a mother and two children and a dog and a soccer ball, all smiling in the picture - as though this picture is a promise to myself of something i will attain as a goal in my life if only I push through on the plan of starting a family - and that if I but suck up and get pregnancy and child-birth over with - then that will be the reward and I will live as a character in the picture and apparently my life will be perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define family within and as a picture of a smiling mother, father, twho children, dog and soccer ball, where the parents look relaxed and the chidlren look happy and worry-free.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define life as a picture of a family with mother and father smiling with relaxed and confident faces, and two beautiful, happy children with no worry in the world, and a dog and a soccer ball, posing together on the front lawn in front of their house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a character of a mother within a picture, where I am smiling and standing next to a husband as a father who Is also smiling and relaxed and confident and two children with happy faces, worry-free in front of the father and the mother and a dog and a soccer ball posing on a lawn in front of the house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize that reality has nothing to do with pictures and will never have anything to do with pictures, where when one defines something as how it is portrayed in a picture, one will always be disappointed by the reality of it - but when one truly expresses oneself within something and then sees a picture of it - one will see that the picture is a complete limitation and in no way captures the actual living expression of the beings participating within that event in time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have given credibility, value and worth to pictures by continuously selecting the pictures to which i would have a positive reaction to and mapping them out in a timeline for myself in my mind, where at a certain point in my life, I would each time have a pictures to 'look forward to' and try to fulfill - until I get at that point and the reality doesn't match the pictures - and happiness is not found - and then I would focus on the next picture on the timelines, working towards the next portrayal of happiness - repeating the same pattern over and over, regardless of the never-changing result: that reality is not a picture and one's experience in reality is not one's experience in relation to a picture, and therefore, that pictures have absolutely no use in terms of predicting the future or representing anything that is lived - and so, i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of unconditional trust towards pictures, where no matter what the reality-based feedback was, I would continue to maintain this relationship and try to find new pictures to live out.

0 comments:

Day 124: Parenthood 1 - There Is Something Wrong with my Baby - Part 1

I am here starting to walk a series as I go through the episodes of Parenthood wherein I'll work my way through various aspects of parenthood where throughout generations parents have tended to behave in similar ways in certain situations - and so, taking the opportunity to release preconceived ideas and copied-over behaviors about parenting/parenthood and considering what would be a best-for-all approach in such a situation. So - note that these are not situations that I am faced with in my life currently, but am taking responsibility for within seeing that: it could've been me. Herein - I invite everyone to share your own perspectives in the comment section - other points you may have observed or other possible solutions!

Here goes!

In the first Episode of Season one of the series Parenthood, Kristina and Adam get to hear that their son, Max, might have Asperger syndrome - both use the words 'there is something wrong with my baby/son' to describe the situation. This is one of the big fears parents have - that their child will be different, that it will be abnormal, that it will be disadvantaged, that it will be dysfunctional - and where this is then labeled as 'wrong'. There are a few aspects to this point.

1. Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing guilt about it.
2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.
3. Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.
4. Fear of how the parents' lives will change and how much they will have to sacrifice for the child - emotionally, financially and practically.

I'll further open up each of these points with Self-Forgiveness:

1. Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing guilt about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that there is/will/may be something 'wrong' with my baby - where 'wrong' could mean anything from the child being different in physical features, or 'out of the ordinary' regarding social or psychological 'make-up', it being 'abnormal' in any sense, it being disadvantaged in any sense, it being dysfunctional in any sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if a/my child deviates in any way from what is regarded as the 'norm' to label a child as 'normal', then it is appropriate to assess that there is something 'wrong' with the child and to as such label the child as 'wrong'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my child deviating from 'the norm' because I believe and fear that it would mean that there is something wrong with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately take it personally if I were to find out that my child does not conform to the 'norm' of what is regarded as a 'normal child' and to from there immediately feel guilty in the belief that I 'bestowed' unto the child deficient genes and that therefore I am the cause of bringing into the world and abnormality, which I would judge as an 'abomination'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge anything that is abnormal as deviating from 'the norm' as 'abominable' - believing it to be bad, fowl, a disgrace in the sense of it being a sign that that which is deemed 'abnormal' is as such because it fell or is not within 'God's Grace'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately assume/believe/interpret that if I were to have an 'abnormal' child as deviating from what is deemed to be 'the norm' - that it must be a punishment from God and thus, that i have done something terribly wrong/evil/fowl in my life that would deserve such a punishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately judge myself as 'abnormal', 'abominable', 'inadequate', 'deficient' and 'unworthy' if I were to find out that my child is in some way deviating from 'the norm' - and to actually believe that I am 'abnormal', 'abominable', 'inadequate', 'deficient' and 'unworthy'.

2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in reaction to hearing that my child may have some form of 'abnormality', immediately start generating thoughts as future projections about what their life may/might look like - where I would immediately assume the worst-case-scenario and believe that their life will be miserable, unfulfilling and difficult - and where I would then immediately start pitying the child as a victim, as hopeless and helpless.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that such a reaction reflects how I would react when/if I see that I in some way am different to others - where I would immediately believe that my life is doomed and that I will not be able to live my life the way it is 'meant' to be lived, as though such a way exists - and that I will inevitable suffer pain, difficulty and misery - and whereby I would immediately start pitying myself, seeing myself as a victim and as helpless and hopeless - where I would immediately define myself as inferior to whichever 'condition' or 'way in which I differ from the norm' and would allow it to dictate who I am and dictate my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - whenever I see that I in some way differ from others or differ from 'the norm' - immediately believe that this is a problem and will cause difficulties, whereby I then believe I have to 'find a way' to 'make up' for this apparent 'disability' or 'condition' and through future projections in my mind, attempt to envision all the worst case scenarios as situations where problems may arise due to this 'disability' and 'condition' - and then try to devise and think up ways through my mind in which I would be able to 'mask' my difficulty - so that others would only notice minimally that something's up and not judge me so that I wouldn't feel bad about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that any deviation from the 'norm' immediately implies inferiority in relation to the norm - that whatever is different, is by default worse and a problem to my survival.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - as soon as I see that there may be something different about me - label it as a 'condition' as a constant variable that cannot be changed and to which I must submit myself and my entire existence - instead of investigating how such a 'condition' was created through the acceptance and allowance of certain patterns over time - and from there see how I am best able to assist and support myself to align the origin-points to prevent the perpetuation of such patterns as taking responsibility for them - and not view the 'condition' as something separate from me that 'happened to me' - but seeing how I participated in its creation through my acceptances and allowances over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have imagined future projections of what my child's life must be like or what I would want my child's life to be like in terms of the kind of life I would've wanted/want - and so, whenever reality shows that my child's life will not be that which I had attempted to impose on it through my mind - I feel like I have failed - revealing herein the conditionality under which parents define effective parenting - where a parent apparently - lol - only succeeds and is effective in parenting if and only if the parent is able to control the child's life to such an extent that it turns out exactly the way the parent had envisioned/planned/hoped/wanted for the child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is a parent's job and responsibility to shape their children's lives and to make sure that the child does not stray from the path that the parent had set out from them - because apparently the parent is 'wise' in having lived a longer time and therefore apparently 'knows best' - when really the parent's view on 'a good life' is all based in fears and desires and unresolved personal issues which the parent superimposes onto the child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is my job and responsibility to shape my child/children's life/lives and to make sure that my child does not stray from the path that i have set out for them - and thus, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am 'wise' and 'all-knowing' must because I have lived a few decades longer than the child on this planet already and therefore apparently 'know best' and 'know better than the child what is good for the child' - not realizing that my view of 'the good life' is based in fears and desires as unresolved personal issues which I am superimposing onto the child instead of taking responsibility for my own issues and allowing the child to become self-responsible within directing their own life.

Continuing with Points 3 and 4 in the next blog. Thanks for reading.



0 comments:

Day 123: Desteni I Witness Report 1 - The Desteni Tools and the Desteni Farm

My name is Maite Zamora Moreno. I was born in Mechelen, Belgium on the 6th of March 1988.

I started researching Desteni in the week of October, 13th 2007 and joined the Forum on October 29th 2007. I did not immediately start applying the suggested Desteni tools as I experienced some fear about the 'good intentions' of Desteni. My brother suggested to just try it and I considered that: what could possibly go wrong or be harmful about forgiving myself? So - I pushed through the initial resistance and started applying the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application - which I haven't stopped using to this day.

Herein - I can attest to the fact that
- The tools of Writing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective application, when consistently applied in Self-Honesty, are tools of self-support that enable a person to break through, stop, resolve and correct self-imposed limitations, habitual patterns, reactive behavior, internal conflict, learning disabilities, brainwashing, abusive thoughts, emotions, feelings and actions.
- The tools of Writing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective application do not create harmful consequences.
- It was my personal decision to start this process in utilizing the Desteni tools, publish my writings and videos on blogs/vlogs and on forums - and that I was in no way coerced, manipulated or forced to do so.
- I was not asked for any donations or payments, nor did I make any, while having complete access to all articles and videos published at that time as well as receiving personal support on the forum.

In August 2008 I visited the Desteni Farm together with my sister for a period of 2 months. Here I was welcomed in their home and able to see how the Desteni Farm residents practically live together and walk their process. For the first week of my visit I did not speak with Sunette Spies as she had not been in her body during that time and had not been in her body for two weeks before. During this this week, I had many conversations with interdimensional beings and witnessed that there was no energy fluctuation whatsoever, where Sunette Spies did not require to enter back into her body after a specified period of time to stabilize it. Portalling was consistent and could be done at any time through one simple breath, without any rituals or preparations. I was present during portal-interviews and witnessed Sunette Spies leaving her body while another being would enter and speak in the moment.

Herein, I can attest to the fact that:
- Portal interviews were done in the moment without memorizing or preparing what would be spoken and that there were no cue-cards in the room off which the beings would read.
- Portalling is consistent and can be done for any duration of time, at any time.
- Desteni farm residents do not follow or participate in any rituals.
- Desteni farm residents do not lead excessive or inappropriate lifestyles.
- Bernard Poolman does not coerce, manipulate or force other residents, permanent or temporary, to do his bidding.
- There is no drug abuse or alcohol consumption on the Desteni farm.
- I was not asked to do anything against my will or consent.
- Visitors are not forced to stay and can leave when it suits them, where I witnessed several visitors change their departure date.
- I was not asked to believe anything I was told, but to test all the information for myself.
- I was never scolded, harmed or punished for any action, but instead always supported to find practical solutions.

0 comments:

Day 122: Throwing Myself in the Deep End

I have been observing an interesting point that was briefly mentioned in one of the EQAFE interviews of the "Parenting - Perfecting the Human Race" series in myself: that I have the tendency to first want to 'know' how to do something or get an explanation of how something is done, before I am willing to develop the point for myself. I have very much ingrained this pattern from my schooling years where this approach is how things are 'taught' in school - where you are first told and explained the 'rules' you have to follow and only once you have memorized the guidelines and the 'knowledge' part - do you have you put it into practice. This approach of 'teaching' also limits how things are done, because everyone follows the same format, you are already constrained in your expression through the instructions you are taught to follow. An interesting approach would be, for instance, to give children a task to do and to have each one have their own approach, their own perspective, their own style - and from there suggestions can be given in how things can be done more effectively for each individual student.

And so - for myself - every time I am faced with doing something new, I'll have this idea and perception that I can't do it, just because no-one has given me any instructions to follow. And within this, it is clear that I have very much defined self-trust in relation to knowledge - where 'I trust myself' means 'I am confident that I possess the knowledge in terms of how this is done and that I can effectively carry out the instructions contained within it' - lol - sounds quite robotic, right, lol. It's like I first need to be 'fed' a program or a script, so that I can just mindlessly follow the program or script in actual doing.

And, what I have found when I do push myself to just do it - just start somewhere, throw myself into the deep end - I can simply evaluate what I have done and from there, I can see for myself where I require to take a different approach, or where I can improve something and how to improve it in order to get a better result. And it is actually in those moments that self-trust comes in - because it is the seeing of what requires to change that is not based on knowledge or information that requires self-trust. Obviously, there is also always the point of being able to ask for assistance from someone who has already developed the particular skill or who has experience with the particular task to be able to specify one's own application - where, one can make one's own assessment and then ask another to share their perspective as well - and then the points can be merged and transformed into a plan for improvement.

And these attempts and try-outs don't have to be a dreadful thing - one determines this for oneself - when one can walk through the fear in breath and simply be here within and as the experiment, one can easily enjoy oneself - and even in making the assessment and making a plan for improvement. None of these points are inherently 'dreadful' or 'scary' or 'negative' - yet it's how we've often come to define them through our schooling experience - where it is strongly linked to 'not being good enough' or 'doing it wrong' or 'failing'.

So - here some perspective when one sees this pattern in oneself - to consider not placing trust in 'knowledge', but in and as ourselves - to simply walk here, in the moment from a starting-point of self-support. It's not about proving oneself to others and it's not about getting praise - it's about doing it for oneself and to discover who we are when we walk through our self-imposed limitations, fears and resistances!

To start this process, one can find support on http://lite.desteniiprocess.com, which is a free course where one is supported by a buddy - or one can go to http://forum.desteni.org where a group of people will welcome you and be ready to assist!

0 comments:

Day 121: Never Say Never


Write text here...
Enhanced by Zemanta

1 comments:

Dag 120: Counting on Others to make My Life's Decisions

I noticed a point today that, when I am faced with a life-altering decision, I go into a complete point of resistance. Eventually, I move myself towards practically considering the facts involved - but initially, that first experience still comes up.

The resistance is not so much in relation to either one of the options - but in relation to having to make the decision itself. I keep going back to the thought 'I don't know what would be best!'

Considering my previous blog-series this is quite fascinating as my whole life I've been wanting to make my own decisions and having the space and money to make my own decisions - but now, when it comes to it, I just keep thinking that someone else should tell me what to do - and most prominently, I find myself wanting to get advise from my mother.

Throughout my life I was never really shown how to practically make a decision - when I asked for advise - people would present me with questions to answer, such as:
- What do you want?
- Will you regret doing option B if you go for option A?
- If you go for option A and it fails, do you have a back-up plan?

The advanced considerations always stood in the context of my fears and my desires - where I would then weigh my fears against my desires and then make a decision according to what I perceived would yield the highest positive result.

So - in realizing that desires and fears are no valid premise to base a decision upon, because positive and negative charges are volatile,where something that was first seen as positive turns into something negative or something expected to be negative, is actually experienced as positive - so my expectations of and experiences of negative and positive points would keep changing and altering during the decision-making and even after the decision-making, which would then confuse me and make me wonder whether I made the 'right choice'.
So - in realizing that my feelings and emotions are no trustworthy guide in life, I feel I am left with nothing - that is my first, initial, immediate experience: a big black hole of nothingness.

I've within my process developed a method of making practical decisions - but the fact that this resistance-experience still comes up, indicates that I still have a tendency of not trusting myself in the face of the unknown - where - when I see nothingness and have to actually direct, create and move myself into the future - I immediately go into a belief of limitation and am grabbing to something or someone else to get a foothold, to have a reference, to have confirmation, to have validation - instead of simply trusting myself here - standing equal and one as the nothingness, one can consider everything. If one doesn't stand equal and one as nothingness, it means one has already placed oneself into a particular mind-set, a particular opinion, a particular belief, a particular attitude - from where you already limit and compromise your ability to see what would actually be best.
Enhanced by Zemanta

0 comments:

Dag 119: Macht als Mijzelf as Zelf-Bepaling

Deze blogpost is een vervolg op:
Dag 115: Hoe Durf je Mij te Verontwaardigen?!
Dag 116: Wat is Macht?
Dag 117: Hoe Durf je Mij te Verontwaardigen?! - Zelf-Vergeving 1
Dag 118: Het is VAN MIJ!!!!!!!
Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om mijn macht te definiëren in hoeveel bezittingen ik heb.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf niet heb toegestaan en aanvaard om in te zien dat het definiëren van macht in en als bezittingen een punt is dat cultureel is ingebed in onze psyche door hoe we zijn opgegroeid met een kapitalistisch waarde-systeem waarin zij die 'betergesteld' zijn ook meer invloed hebben in het vermogen om beslissingen door te duwen.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om macht gelijk te stellen aan beslissingen maken en dat gelijk te stellen aan bezittingen hebben, waarbij ik mijzelf heb wijsgemaakt dat macht het vermogen is om beslissingen te maken over dingen RONDOM mij - in plaats van mij te realiseren en te aanvaarden dat werkelijke macht het vermogen is om mijzelf te bepalen, om te bepalen wie ik ben in elk moment.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om mijn eigenwaarde te definiëren in het gevoel van macht hebben in de zin dat ik 'veel bezittingen heb' en in en door die bezittingen het vermogen heb om beslissingen te maken/door te duwen over dingen in mijn omgeving - en dus, ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf niet heb toegestaan en aanvaard om in te zien dat het ook maar logisch is dat ik mij verontwaardigd zal voelen elke keer ik het gevoel heb dat mijn 'macht' onder schijnbare bedreiging komt te staan - want als ik macht bepaal in en afhankelijk maak van bezittingen buiten mijzelf, dan moet ik ook aanvaarden dat ik mijn macht en dus mijn eigenwaarde sta te verliezen - en dat als ik mijn macht en eigenwaarde niet wil verliezen, dan gaat het erom mijn eigenwaarde en macht te aanvaarden als mijzelf - want ikzelf ben het enige dat ik nooit kan verliezen.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om mijn mijzelf af te splitsen van eigenwaarde en macht door het te definiëren in bezittingen buiten mijzelf.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om zo geobsedeerd te zijn met mijn valse ervaring van macht en eigenwaarde dat ik mijzelf niet de kans heb gegeven om ware macht en ware eigenwaarde te ontwikkelen door hier te zijn en mijzelf te gronden in en als mijn adem, waarbij ik in elk moment gewaar ben van wie ik ben en wat er zich in mij omspeelt als de reacties, gedachte, herinneringen, prenten die in mijn hoofd opkomen en hier meteen verantwoordelijkheid voor te nemen en mijzelf erin richting te geven - want het is enkel in en als mijn adem dat ik macht heb in het maken van de keuze om op te staan voor leven in plaats van bewustzijn - en dat ik eigenwaarde heb in het eren van mijzelf als een en gelijk als leven en niets te aanvaarden dat minder is dan wie ik ben.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf niet heb toegestaan en aanvaard om in te zien dat elke dat waarin ik mijzelf niet uitspreek over de gevolgen en de waarden van ons kapitalistisch systeem, dat ik steeds meer kinderen toesta om op te groeien met hetzelfde averechtse waarde-systeem waarmee ikzelf ben opgegroeid, waarbij we continue zoeken en hunkeren naar een gevoel van zelf-bepaling en eigenwaarde buiten onszelf - waarbij we steeds meer en meer controlerend worden naar onze omgeving toe omdat we ons steeds meer en meer bedreigd voelen en steeds in angst leven om ons gevoel van macht en eigenwaarde te verliezen en ons, in plaats daarvan, machteloos, hulpeloos, minderwaardig en miezerig te voelen.
Enhanced by Zemanta

0 comments:

Dag 118: Het is VAN MIJ!!!!!!!

Deze blogpost is een vervolg op:
Dag 115: Hoe Durf je Mij te Verontwaardigen?!
Dag 116: Wat is Macht?
Dag 117: Hoe Durf je Mij te Verontwaardigen?! - Zelf-Vergeving 1

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om angst te hebben om te delen.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om te geloven dat ik niet het recht heb om te beslissen om te delen wat mij gegeven was.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om te geloven dat wat ik krijg nog steeds toebehoort aan degene die het mij gegeven heeft en dus, dat ik een verplichting heb ten opzichte van wie mij het geschenk gaf om het voor mezelf te houden en dus, te geloven, dat ik geen zeggenschap heb over wat er verder gebeurt met het geschenk.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf niet heb toegestaan en aanvaard om een geschenk onvoorwaardelijk te aanvaarden, maar te geloven dat ik wanneer ik een geschenk krijg, ik eigenlijk nu een schuld heb ten opzichte van degene van wie ik het geschenk gekregen heb en dat ik in het gebruik van mijn geschenk degene die het mij gaf moet eren.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om geschenken te verbinden met schuld, eer en verplichting.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf niet heb toegestaan en aanvaard om verantwoordelijkheid te nemen voor iets wat mij gegeven is, maar in het idee dat ik nu een schuld heb ten opzichte van de schenker, mij eigenlijk verberg van mijn eigen verantwoordelijkheid en het nemen van mijn eigen beslissingen.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om te geloven dat geven een kwestie is van geven aan zij die het verdienen en dus angst te hebben om zelf te beslissen aan wie ik geef uit angst om te geven aan iemand die het niet verdient.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om angst te hebben om te geven/delen uit angst dat iemand misbruik maakt van mijn gulheid en hier van gaat profiteren.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om angst te hebben om misbruikt en geëxploiteerd te worden.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om angst te hebben om te geven/delen uit angst om eigenwaarde te verliezen omdat ik mijn eigenwaarde definieer in mijn bezittingen en dus - dat als ik iets weggeef, ik een deel van mijn eigenwaarde zal verliezen.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om mij sterk te voelen wanneer ik bezittingen heb/meer bezittingen heb omdat ik nu een soort macht heb die ik kan uitoefenen op zij die minder hebben dan mij - en dus, ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om angst te hebben om te geven/delen uit angst dat ik me zwakker ga voelen ten opzichte van anderen, omdat ik dan mijn positie van gepercipieerde macht en privilege zal schaden of verliezen, waarbij ik geen voordeel meer heb ten opzichte van anderen en het meer waarschijnlijk wordt dat ik meer moeite zal hebben om bepaalde dingen te bereiken.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf niet heb toegestaan en aanvaard om mijzelf ten volle te waarderen in mijzelf toe te laten mijzelf uit te drukken in het maken van mijn eigen beslissingen en het toestaan van mijzelf om te geven en delen met anderen.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf niet heb toegestaan en aanvaard om in te zien dat ik mijzelf en mijn expressie heb gelimiteerd en ingeperkt door mijzelf niet te hebben toegestaan om te delen en geven, maar in plaats daarvan heb toegestaan en aanvaard angst te dicteren dat ik gierig en hebberig moet zijn.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om belang te hechten aan het hebben van 'mijn eigen bezittingen' omdat ik dit nooit had tijdens mijn kindertijd en hierin het gevoel had dat ik niet 'volwaardig' of 'compleet' was.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om me in te laten met de angst van mijn ouders om te delen en verliezen, en daarom mijzelf nooit heb toegestaan en aanvaard mijn eigen beslissingen te maken, waarbij ik het geloof gecreëerd heb dat ik slechts volwaardig zou zijn wanneer ik mijn eigen beslissingen kan maken wanneer ik mijn eigen bezittingen heb.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om mijzelf op te sluiten en te isoleren in muren van angst waarin ik geobsedeerd ben met het verdedigen van 'mijn beslissingen' uit angst dat ik het vermogen om mijn eigen beslissingen te maken en volwaardig te zijn, zou verliezen.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om de slaaf te worden van mijn eigen bezittingen omdat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om relaties van afhankelijkheid aan te gaan met mijn bezittingen, waarbij ik ben gaan geloven dat ik 'eigen bezittingen' nodig heb om volledig, volwaardig en voldaan te kunnen zijn.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om angst te hebben om de relatie die ik ben aangegaan ten aanzien van 'mijn bezittingen' los te laten uit angst om mijzelf te verliezen.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan om bezittingen en geschenken te aanzien als een maatstaf van mijn waardering en mijn waarde.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om mij schuldig te voelen ten aanzien van mijn ouders als ik geen belang zou hechten aan mijn bezittingen omdat ik altijd het gevoel had dat zij werkten om mij een leven van materieel welzijn te geven, en dus - dat als ik deze materiële bezittingen geen belangrijke waarde geef, dat ik dan ondankbaar ben.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om te geloven dat het mijn schuld is dat mijn ouders ongelukkig waren in hoe ze moesten werken en dingen doen die ze niet graag deden, hun hele leven lang, zodat ze mij een leven van materieel welzijn zouden kunnen geven.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om te geloven dat ik een slechte dochter zou zijn als ik de bezittingen die ik was gegeven door mijn ouders zou gaan weggeven en delen met anderen in het geloof dat ik dan ondankbaar en oneervol zou zijn.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om angst te hebben om gelabeld te worden en gezien te worden als een slechte en ondankbare dochter.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om te reageren in schaamte, schuldgevoel en angst wanneer mijn vader zou zeggen dat ik ondankbaar was.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om te geloven dat dankbaarheid samengaat met 'schuldig zijn ten opzichte van' degene waar ik dankbaar voor ben.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om te geloven dat dankbaarheid samengaat met 'minderwaardig zijn ten opzichte van' degene waar ik dankbaar voor ben.


Enhanced by Zemanta

0 comments: