Leila had been pregnant for almost 9 months before Cesar was born, but my mind had not been able to 'conceptualize' what was happening or what was about to happen, that a baby would join us on the farm. Whenever I had attempted to imagine what it would be like to have Cesar on the farm before he was born, my mind would just go blank. We could read up on babies, what babies do and what they go through - but it doesn't really prepare you for the actuality of a baby being here with you. So, when Cesar was born and I met him, he was sleeping. And that's all it was - he was here now - and that's that.
Back home I was a bit reluctant to for instance hold Cesar, so I was quite reserved and rather observed what Leila and Gian did. The fear existed of having this innocent, physical child and somehow influencing him, by somehow not being clear in one's starting point or having some program or system running that one is not aware of and that Cesar would pick up on, on a resonant/physical or energetic level. At the same time there was an uncomfortability due to 'not knowing' how to hold a baby - where initially one does everything in slow-motion to be extra aware of where each hand is and where he is supported and where not - and with every grunt/sound/face Cesar made, exchanging glances with Leila/Gian so as to ask 'is this okay? am I doing something wrong that he is reacting to?' - lol. Sunette assisted a lot with giving suggestions on how to be around Cesar - to ensure that one is in one's own physical body - breathing - physically anchored - and to speak with low voices - not soft, but low, grounded. The second time I held Cesar, he was sleeping and I was sitting in Leila's rocking chair. While holding him I focused on my breath - clearing any tensions until I was present as myself in every part of my body. At that moment, it was as though Cesar and my body 'melted together' - there was no more separation - we were both here in the physical, equal and one.
I'll continue sharing more of my experiences with Cesar in this blog in the time to come - enjoy!
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When and as I see myself thinking and believing that women who don't enjoy pregnancy are bad mothers - I stop, I breathe - I realise that this is an opinion that I have copied from my mother from a memory wherein she judged my French teacher as a moron/dumbass when she'd said that she hated pregnancy - and where I thought that my mom is probably right - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the opinion that serves no practical purpose than to elevate myself through ego.
When and as I see myself assuming that I know what pregnancy and motherhood is like - I stop, I breathe - I realise that my knowledge is just made up of opinions, beliefs, pictures, thoughts, impressions, interpretations, projections, etc.that have no foundation within actual living, actual reality and actual experience, which I have created into apparent 'knowledge' of what pregnancy and moterhood are like as a means to convince myself that I should do it as well as an attempt to prepare myself for it - and thus, I commit myself to let go of this unfounded knowledge and to gain some practical perspective by consideration the practical implications of motherhood and pregnancy and what it physically implies.
When and as I see myself imagining myself holding a baby that is sleeping or playing with a child in a park - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am defining the entire motherhood experience within but a few moments as though motherhood exclusively consists of such moments of enjoyment, where I am deliberately deluding myself by looking at motherhood through pink glasses - beause I want to be able to believe that motherhood will bring about this point of completion and fulfillment that I have been longing for - and thus, I commit myself to fulfill and complete myself within this very moment through breathing in all that exists and bringing it here as myself - as well as, I remind myself of the poo-factor and the screaming and the crying and the tiredness of which I have actual real experience - to pop myself out of my mind-bubble and get real.
When and as I see myself reaching to memories to define who I am - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I cannot take memories at face value, since firstly, I will twist and distort memories in my mind and secondly, I require to actually investigate who I was within the moment of the memory to assess whether this memory is in any way useful - and thus, I commit myself to take a closer look at who I was within the memory to assess the relevancy of the memory in terms of whether or not it can assist me within the present moment and simply stop defining myself according to the memory, as the memory can never dictate who I am within the present moment, but can only provide information about the past - and thus, I embrace who I am within the very simplicity of being here in breath.
When and as I see myself attaching a particular value to a certain experience where I interpret the experience as a sign of God or the Universe trying to tell me that I should make a certain commitment, decision or take a particular direction - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am elevating a self-created mind-experience to the status of God - and thus, seperating me from myself to the ultimate extent - and where I completely abdicate all self-responsibility within the commitment, decision or direction, because - apparently, I was being led on by something or someone else, while all the while I was the initiator and creator of my own experience - and thus, I commit myself to investigate the origin of the experience to understand why I created it and to realise that it is nothing special or more than me, to from there, be able to align myself according to the particular realisations that open up from the investigation - and I commit myself to consider all points within the commitment, decision or 'choice' of direction before me so that the point is acted upon from the principle of What is Best for All and is not simply based on an energetic experience that won't even last.
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After listening to the Interview 'A Mother's Love of Guilt' - I realised that I have always romanticised what it would be like to have a child. You always picture those moments of holding a baby sleeping or playing with a child in the park and things like that - you know, the nice stuff. I also recently saw the movie 'What to Expect when You're Expecting' where this one lady was really eager to get pregnant and she was expecting to experience this state of 'bliss' in terms of having this profound connection with the baby and this whole lovey-dovey experience in relation to carrying a child. But then once she gets pregnant, the bliss is nowhere to be found and all there is is physical pain, tiredness, uncomfortableness, emotional turmoil, weird cravings, mood swings, uncontrollable peeing, and so the list goes on.
So - what our expectations are as what we project of pregnancy and motherhood have no connection in any way whatsoever to the reality of living and walking these points in the physical.
It's fascinating - because I've spent time with cihldren for long periods, like on camps, where I'd be responsible for entertaining a group of teenagers for ten days. Or, during the summer working at a daycare, where me and 4 others would be in charge of 30 to 40 toddlers each day. And sure - there was moments where I'd have so much fun with them and absolutely enjoyed their expressions and way of looking at things - but at the end of the day, I was just so fricking glad that I could send them back to their parents, because I was utterly and totally exhausted. So - I've had this practical experience of what it's like to spend a whole day or several days with a child, continuously having to place the child as the number one priority and where I basically have no time for myself, except after the children's bedtime - and yet, my ideas and projections of me having a child of my own don't consider these experiences in any way whatsoever.
I mean, I've even raised baby-chicks in my house - which is this tinly little being that you have to look after all the time. And if you for a moment don't give it the required attention by not feeding it in time or not letting it fall asleep under your shirt, it tweets so loud and continuously that your brain tries to flee from your head. And once they get older and start to want to wander around by themselves, I waddled around after them to clean up their poop from the floor. And when they still got older, I made them diapers, because their shits were now getting so big and frequent that I couldn't keep up. And so, then I was changing diapers every day - which was so not a pleasant experience - I mean, chicken-poo really stinks and I can imagine that baby-poop stinks a thousand times more. AND STILL - when I try to picture what it would be like to have a child, I focus only on that which I think I would enjoy - completely forgetting about the poo-factor and the fact that a baby-human can't walk by itself for a really long time, where you have to carry it around all the time. I mean, what's the deal with that anyways - even a chick can walk after day one!
Anyways... the point is that I'm deliberately ignoring the fact that having a child means to be responsible for the life and well-being of a completely helpless creature. Without me doing my part of taking care of the child 24/7 - the child dies - simple. If ever I thought choice existed - that perception would be completely annihilated when faced with a having a baby.
I don't want to spoil it for you by giving the details - you should really listen to it yourself - but the interview 'A Mother's Love of Guilt' explains very clearly how and why it is that our projections of what we think it will be like to have a child/be a mother never ever matches the actual reality of it. It also explains why mothers often have 'bad'/negative thoughts about their children of wondering if they didn't make a mistake in having a child, or wishing they'd never had kids or thinking they wasted their life in having a child. Obviously, this is a topic no-one speaks about, because the mother doesn't want to be judged as being a bad person or a bad mother. But, I mean - every mother has these thoughts - and it's not that it's a bad thing - but the thing is that mothers don't understand why these thoughts come up - and in listening to this interview, you'll get a clear explanation, which will allow you to understand these experiences and be able to direct them more effectively. So, if you're a mother and you can relate to these experiences - then listening to this interview is a MUST. If you're a mother and you're reading this and you're kind of feeling offended and thinking "no ways - I would never think that - these are lies" - then, by all means, leave this page and move on. Only those mothers who are honest with themselves about their experiences will be able to change them in any case.
To be continued.
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