This blog-post is part of a series - for full perspective, please also read:
Day 124: Parenthood 1 - There Is Something Wrong with my Baby - Part 1
Day 125: Parenthood Ep.1 - There Is Something Wrong with my Baby - Part 2
Day 126: Parenthood Ep.1 - My Life to Hell
When and as I see myself participating in the idea/judgment/thought/belief that there is something wrong with my child because he/she is in some way different - I stop, I breathe - I realize that normality only exists as a perception and categorization in the mind and that in essence, each one is the same, yet with different aspects of themselves more/more specifically developed/prominent and other aspects less/less specifically developed/prominent - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the judgment and see my child for who he/she is and see how I am able to best support my child.
When and as I see myself participating in the idea/judgment/thought/belief that there must be something wrong with me for having a child that is 'abnormal' and feeling guilty about my child apparenty being different from the norm - I stop, I breathe - I realize that the child will reflect to myself who I am as a mirror of manifested consequence of what I as well as the entirety of humanity has accepted and allowed - and thus, as it is here - I commit myself to take responsibility for the child as myself, not within guilt or pity - but in equality and oneness as how I would like to be supported if I were the child.
When and as I see myself participating in fear that my child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life where I participate in pity and guilt towards the child - I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am projecting unto the child my own fear of being in such a situation where if I were in some way different from the 'norm', I would see this as a 'condition' and a constant to which I must submit and to which I must submit my entire existence, of which I am now apparently the victim, and where I would believe my survival is threatened due to not conforming to the norm - and thus, I realize that in whichever way the child is different is not something that just came falling out of the sky or 'happened to the child' as per a stroke of bad luck, but was created through participation in certain patterns over time of which the child is the manifested consequence - and thus, that there is no such thing as being a victim - only a showing of what has been accepted and allowed and thus - I commit myself to firstly correct within myself the patterns that created the 'abnormality' within my child and to then show the child how he/she is able to assist and support himself/herself to stand up from within it - empowering the child instead of limiting it by defining the child and viewing it as 'the condition'.
When and as I see myself participating in future projections of how the child's life will be like due to how the child is different from the norm - I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am participating in worst-case-scenario doomsday projections based in fear - and thus, I commit myself to stop and let go within the understanding/insight/realization that I cannot predict the future, as one can only predict the future according to patterns, and thus, it is to change the pattern to create the best possible outcome.
When and as I see myself participating in pity and sadness and an experience of 'loss' within imagining/thinking that the child's life will not be what I would've wanted it to be - I stop, I breathe - I realize that the very fact that I had an idea of what I want the child's life to be indicates that I have personal issues of fears and desires that I am projecting and superimposing unto the child and that I am attempting to 'fix my issues' through my child living their life differently/having a different life experience - and thus, I commit myself to let go of any ideas, fears and desires I have in relation to what the child's life will be, but instead assist and support my child to develop into a self-responsible and self-directive being so that he/she can decide for himself/herself how to give shape to his/her own life.
When and as I see myself participating in disappointment because the child does not conform to the idea I had of who the child would be as a perfect, cute child, part of my perfect happy family - I stop, I breathe - I realize that such disappointment indicates there was an expectation towards the child fulfilling me and thus that there was self-interest within my starting-point for having a child - where it was not to unconditionally support the child for his/her sake - but to have the child become a tool in a plan for self-fulfillment and self-gratification to live out my own dreams and desires - and thus, I commit myself to correct my starting point and my relation with my child - to let go of my own self-interest within it and re-align my starting point towards what is best for all involved.
When and as I see myself participating in fear of how my life will change and how much I/my family will have to sacrifice on an emotional level when hearing that my child is in some way 'different' - I stop, I breathe - I realize that in that moment, I am immediately stating that I am emotionally unstable and that I don't have what it takes to face a challenge and take it through towards the best possible outcome, immediately giving up before I have even started, in essence trying to flee from failure - and thus, I commit myself to let go of any preconceived ideas, to take it moment by moment and direct points as they come up, both within and as the family as within and as myself - to not accept and allow myself to accumulate emotional reactions through suppression until it bursts out into a breakdown - and thus, committing myself to, even if much requires practical direction around me, to make the time to also take care of myself and not allow myself to 'keep things in' without facing and working through them - so that the challenge is not a personal sacrifice, but an actual learning and strengthening process.
When and as I see myself participating in future projections and pictures about how expensive it will be to give extra care to one child and how other family members including myself may have to pass on things we would've wanted to do, just so the extra-care needing child can receive this extra care - I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am accelerating in my mind and making assumptions about the costs that are involved - and thus, I commit myself to first do the research, to after comprehensive research and having clarity on all the available options, make practical decisions that will best support the family and all members in it.
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I am here starting to walk a series as I go through the episodes
of Parenthood wherein I'll work my way through various aspects of
parenthood where throughout generations parents have tended to behave in
similar ways in certain situations - and so, taking the opportunity to
release pre-conceived ideas and copied-over behaviors about
parenting/parenthood and considering what would be a best-for-all
approach in such a situation. So - note that these are not situations
that I am faced with in my life currently, but am taking responsibility
for within seeing that: it could've been me. Herein - I invite everyone
to share your own perspectives in the comment section - other points you
may have observed or other possible solutions!
In
the first Episode of Season one of the series Parenthood, Krstina and
Adam get to hear that their son, Max, might have Asperger syndrome -
both use the words 'there is something wrong with my baby/son' to
describe the situation. This is one of the big fears parents have - that
their child will be different, that it will be abnormal, that it will
be disadvantaged, that it will be dysfunctional - and where this is then
labeled as 'wrong'. There are a few aspects to this point.
1.
Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents
themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing
guilt about it.
2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and
unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child
because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.
3.
Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected
and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.
4.
Fear of how the parents' lives will change and how much they will have
to sacrifice for the child - emotionally, financially and practically.
In the Previous Blog-posts I worked through points 1 to 3, here opening up number 4 with Self-Forgiveness:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my son/daughter is in some way different, immediately start worrying and becoming afraid about how my life will change and how much i will have to sacrifice to meet the needs of my child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different, immediately assume that my life will be an emotional roller-coaster and I an emotional wreck for the remainder of my life - immediately accepting the belief and idea that my life will be miserable and that I will be miserable - where I then immediately go through an experience of 'loss' - because of the perception of losing the future that I had expected to receive, one where the child would have fulfilled me, made me a happier person, more at peace within myself in the idea that I would finally be fulfilling my purpose.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - in that moment of reaction - immediately create my life to be one of emotional turmoil, where I immediately accept and allow the belief that I am not stable and that I cannot be stable - that I don't have what it takes to face a challenge and see it through towards the best possible outcome.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different, immediately give up before having started, deciding that I will fail at the task ahead and that I will be beating myself up for it for the rest of my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different and requires extra care - immediately invoke a picture in my mind of a stack of bills to be paid and a red number on my bank account and letters from the bank reminding me to pay off my debt, as a projection of how I think the future will look like, where I experience a loss of security and financial stability - thinking/believing/presuming that I 'know' the future - when in fact, I have not even begun to investigate what kind of care is involved, what the options are and what can practically be done to ensure a stable financial future - instead, simply going into a 'doomsday state of mind' and believing that this is the only possible outcome, victimizing myself entirely towards the situation and not taking any responsibility for who I am in that moment, towards myself or towards my child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic upon finding out that my child requires some form of extra care with added expenses, wherein I immediately project my family finding itself in financial jeopardy - imagining both myself and my husband and any other child I may have, struggling to get by and having to pass up on opportunities that are no longer affordable - and wherein I immediately blame the 'extra-care-needing child' for this situation, even though such scenario hasn't even manifested or is in no way a certain outcome.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different and requires extra care - immediately project in my mind how the child will be a burden in my life and how I will have to give up all the things that I enjoy 'just for me', wherein any hobbies or activities or simply 'me-time' will no longer be possible and where i will have to compromise all my other relationships with other beings just to be able to take care of the extra-care-needing child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different and requires extra care - to immediately feel bitter towards my child, myself and my life - because I feel that all that I had worked for my entire life to ensure my preferred outcome, is all being flushed down the toilet in that singular moment.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within that singular moment of reaction, I would be founding my entire relationship with the child on an experience of blame, bitterness and resentment towards it - where, in every interaction with the child, directly or indirectly, the blame, bitterness and resentment will in some way resonate and the child will be aware of it - immediately affecting and influencing how the child perceives him/herself and from there, compromising its life experience entirely.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become selfish in how I will look at the situation in terms of what I will have to give up - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that it is about what I am able to give as I would like to be given if I were the child.
Learn more »
I am here starting to walk a series as I go through the episodes of Parenthood wherein I'll work my way through various aspects of parenthood where throughout generations parents have tended to behave in similar ways in certain situations - and so, taking the opportunity to release pre-conceived ideas and copied-over behaviors about parenting/parenthood and considering what would be a best-for-all approach in such a situation. So - note that these are not situations that I am faced with in my life currently, but am taking responsibility for within seeing that: it could've been me. Herein - I invite everyone to share your own perspectives in the comment section - other points you may have observed or other possible solutions!
In the first Episode of Season one of the series Parenthood, Krstina and Adam get to hear that their son, Max, might have Asperger syndrome - both use the words 'there is something wrong with my baby/son' to describe the situation. This is one of the big fears parents have - that their child will be different, that it will be abnormal, that it will be disadvantaged, that it will be dysfunctional - and where this is then labeled as 'wrong'. There are a few aspects to this point.
1. Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing guilt about it.
2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.
3. Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.
4. Fear of how the parents' lives will change and how much they will have to sacrifice for the child - emotionally, financially and practically.
In the previous blog-post I opened up points 1 and 2 in Self-Forgiveness. Here I continue with point 3:
3. Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed in seeing that my child is not/will not be what I had expected my child will be/become - and so, to also become angry within myself, because I had invested myself within having a family and having children with the prospect of having a particular outcome as a happy family, with lovely children who are successful and unique - and now it doesn't turn out to be like that and now it feels like it's not fair, because I want a reward for all my hard work and investments and sacrifices and now they don't 'pay off' in terms of giving me what I wanted to get as a result.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a family and to have children so that I can experience myself in a perfect happy family, because I feel that I never experienced that in my life because my family was never a perfect happy family as portrayed in movies or what I would see in a friend's house - and so i felt 'robbed' of that experience as something I was entitled to and now I want to manifest such an experience within my life by being a parent in such a family set-up in an attempt to make up for my experience as a child - not realizing that this is impossible, as the past has already happened and there is no way of undoing it and that it is instead a matter of letting go of ideas about injustice being done unto me and letting go of a state of self-victimization in relation to the family I grew up in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a feeling of injustice, of being wronged because I didn't 'get to' experience family-life as is portrayed in books and families, and so believed that there was something wrong with me and my life, that there was something missing because of this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that such perfect families actually exist, instead of seeing and realizing that harmonious families of support, consideration and respect cannot exist unless each member of the family supports, considers and respects themselves firstly - and so, that families as portrayed in movies/books are in no way an indication that such families actually exist and that the brief moments I would spend in other families are likewise not an indication of what the family is like, because so much happens under the surface that is hidden from sight that no-one actually knows what happens in the homes of others and on what level abuse takes place.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that that which I looked for as love, respect, support and consideration in a family, is actually what I required to learn to give myself - and so, that I in fact separated me from myself and me from my family members through defining love, respect, support and consideration as an expectation within them - as though they are supposed to provide me with it and give it to me - and so, that the lack I experienced had in fact nothing to do with my family set-up or family members but with myself and only with myself - and so, I allow myself to be grateful for the family I grew up in as it enabled me to see what I was not giving to myself and from there, could develop my relationship with myself to be self-loving, self-respecting, self-supporting and self-considering.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a feeling and state of self-victimization in relation to the family I grew up in, where I am in fact holding on to blame towards my family set-up/family members in how I experienced myself in my childhood and throughout the rest of my life, where I used my family as an excuse for all my 'weaknesses' - and so, in fact holding on to the past and a state of self-victimization because of not wanting to let go of the excuses as to why i was not supporting myself, why i was not pushing myself to correct my own mistakes, why I was not attempting to better myself, why i was allowing myself to repeat the same patterns over and over, etc.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my starting point for starting a family to be in the past - not realizing that when my starting point to create something is in the past, I am not in fact creating, but I am only ensuring that the past repeats - because if my starting point is in the past, then it means that I have unresolved issues towards my past - and therefore, i cannot create anything original/new until i have faced my past through walking it again - until who I am is no longer defined by my past, and so i can in fact create as here, equal and one.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - in noticing that my child is different from what I had expected my child to be/become - immediately blame the child for not fulfilling my desires of a perfect happy family - again utilizing blame as an excuse to place myself in an inferior position, where I am now again apparently the victim of another imposing difficult family situations unto me - instead of realizing that my child is a direct consequence of my acceptances and allowances, and therefore - is specific in relation to my process - and therefore, to immediately investigate how I have created my child as how my child is and to take responsibility for myself within this creational process - actually facing myself within my child, instead of blaming my child for an experience I am not getting.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that this process is not about getting to experience the perfect life - where we now apparently get a chance at everything we missed out on - but that it is in fact about facing ourselves in every gory detail - and therefore, any happy-go-lucky situation of bliss will indicate deception as it would merely be a hiding place to not take responsibility for oneself and for this world as a whole.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a picture of the perfect happy family with a father and a mother and two children and a dog and a soccer ball, all smiling in the picture - as though this picture is a promise to myself of something i will attain as a goal in my life if only I push through on the plan of starting a family - and that if I but suck up and get pregnancy and child-birth over with - then that will be the reward and I will live as a character in the picture and apparently my life will be perfect.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define family within and as a picture of a smiling mother, father, twho children, dog and soccer ball, where the parents look relaxed and the chidlren look happy and worry-free.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define life as a picture of a family with mother and father smiling with relaxed and confident faces, and two beautiful, happy children with no worry in the world, and a dog and a soccer ball, posing together on the front lawn in front of their house.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a character of a mother within a picture, where I am smiling and standing next to a husband as a father who Is also smiling and relaxed and confident and two children with happy faces, worry-free in front of the father and the mother and a dog and a soccer ball posing on a lawn in front of the house.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize that reality has nothing to do with pictures and will never have anything to do with pictures, where when one defines something as how it is portrayed in a picture, one will always be disappointed by the reality of it - but when one truly expresses oneself within something and then sees a picture of it - one will see that the picture is a complete limitation and in no way captures the actual living expression of the beings participating within that event in time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have given credibility, value and worth to pictures by continuously selecting the pictures to which i would have a positive reaction to and mapping them out in a timeline for myself in my mind, where at a certain point in my life, I would each time have a pictures to 'look forward to' and try to fulfill - until I get at that point and the reality doesn't match the pictures - and happiness is not found - and then I would focus on the next picture on the timelines, working towards the next portrayal of happiness - repeating the same pattern over and over, regardless of the never-changing result: that reality is not a picture and one's experience in reality is not one's experience in relation to a picture, and therefore, that pictures have absolutely no use in terms of predicting the future or representing anything that is lived - and so, i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of unconditional trust towards pictures, where no matter what the reality-based feedback was, I would continue to maintain this relationship and try to find new pictures to live out.
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I am here starting to walk a series as I go through the episodes of Parenthood wherein I'll work my way through various aspects of parenthood where throughout generations parents have tended to behave in similar ways in certain situations - and so, taking the opportunity to release preconceived ideas and copied-over behaviors about parenting/parenthood and considering what would be a best-for-all approach in such a situation. So - note that these are not situations that I am faced with in my life currently, but am taking responsibility for within seeing that: it could've been me. Herein - I invite everyone to share your own perspectives in the comment section - other points you may have observed or other possible solutions!
Here goes!
In the first Episode of Season one of the series Parenthood, Kristina and Adam get to hear that their son, Max, might have Asperger syndrome - both use the words 'there is something wrong with my baby/son' to describe the situation. This is one of the big fears parents have - that their child will be different, that it will be abnormal, that it will be disadvantaged, that it will be dysfunctional - and where this is then labeled as 'wrong'. There are a few aspects to this point.
1. Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing guilt about it.
2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.
3. Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.
4. Fear of how the parents' lives will change and how much they will have to sacrifice for the child - emotionally, financially and practically.
I'll further open up each of these points with Self-Forgiveness:
1. Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing guilt about it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that there is/will/may be something 'wrong' with my baby - where 'wrong' could mean anything from the child being different in physical features, or 'out of the ordinary' regarding social or psychological 'make-up', it being 'abnormal' in any sense, it being disadvantaged in any sense, it being dysfunctional in any sense.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if a/my child deviates in any way from what is regarded as the 'norm' to label a child as 'normal', then it is appropriate to assess that there is something 'wrong' with the child and to as such label the child as 'wrong'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my child deviating from 'the norm' because I believe and fear that it would mean that there is something wrong with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately take it personally if I were to find out that my child does not conform to the 'norm' of what is regarded as a 'normal child' and to from there immediately feel guilty in the belief that I 'bestowed' unto the child deficient genes and that therefore I am the cause of bringing into the world and abnormality, which I would judge as an 'abomination'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge anything that is abnormal as deviating from 'the norm' as 'abominable' - believing it to be bad, fowl, a disgrace in the sense of it being a sign that that which is deemed 'abnormal' is as such because it fell or is not within 'God's Grace'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately assume/believe/interpret that if I were to have an 'abnormal' child as deviating from what is deemed to be 'the norm' - that it must be a punishment from God and thus, that i have done something terribly wrong/evil/fowl in my life that would deserve such a punishment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately judge myself as 'abnormal', 'abominable', 'inadequate', 'deficient' and 'unworthy' if I were to find out that my child is in some way deviating from 'the norm' - and to actually believe that I am 'abnormal', 'abominable', 'inadequate', 'deficient' and 'unworthy'.
2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in reaction to hearing that my child may have some form of 'abnormality', immediately start generating thoughts as future projections about what their life may/might look like - where I would immediately assume the worst-case-scenario and believe that their life will be miserable, unfulfilling and difficult - and where I would then immediately start pitying the child as a victim, as hopeless and helpless.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that such a reaction reflects how I would react when/if I see that I in some way am different to others - where I would immediately believe that my life is doomed and that I will not be able to live my life the way it is 'meant' to be lived, as though such a way exists - and that I will inevitable suffer pain, difficulty and misery - and whereby I would immediately start pitying myself, seeing myself as a victim and as helpless and hopeless - where I would immediately define myself as inferior to whichever 'condition' or 'way in which I differ from the norm' and would allow it to dictate who I am and dictate my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - whenever I see that I in some way differ from others or differ from 'the norm' - immediately believe that this is a problem and will cause difficulties, whereby I then believe I have to 'find a way' to 'make up' for this apparent 'disability' or 'condition' and through future projections in my mind, attempt to envision all the worst case scenarios as situations where problems may arise due to this 'disability' and 'condition' - and then try to devise and think up ways through my mind in which I would be able to 'mask' my difficulty - so that others would only notice minimally that something's up and not judge me so that I wouldn't feel bad about it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that any deviation from the 'norm' immediately implies inferiority in relation to the norm - that whatever is different, is by default worse and a problem to my survival.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - as soon as I see that there may be something different about me - label it as a 'condition' as a constant variable that cannot be changed and to which I must submit myself and my entire existence - instead of investigating how such a 'condition' was created through the acceptance and allowance of certain patterns over time - and from there see how I am best able to assist and support myself to align the origin-points to prevent the perpetuation of such patterns as taking responsibility for them - and not view the 'condition' as something separate from me that 'happened to me' - but seeing how I participated in its creation through my acceptances and allowances over time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have imagined future projections of what my child's life must be like or what I would want my child's life to be like in terms of the kind of life I would've wanted/want - and so, whenever reality shows that my child's life will not be that which I had attempted to impose on it through my mind - I feel like I have failed - revealing herein the conditionality under which parents define effective parenting - where a parent apparently - lol - only succeeds and is effective in parenting if and only if the parent is able to control the child's life to such an extent that it turns out exactly the way the parent had envisioned/planned/hoped/wanted for the child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is a parent's job and responsibility to shape their children's lives and to make sure that the child does not stray from the path that the parent had set out from them - because apparently the parent is 'wise' in having lived a longer time and therefore apparently 'knows best' - when really the parent's view on 'a good life' is all based in fears and desires and unresolved personal issues which the parent superimposes onto the child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is my job and responsibility to shape my child/children's life/lives and to make sure that my child does not stray from the path that i have set out for them - and thus, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am 'wise' and 'all-knowing' must because I have lived a few decades longer than the child on this planet already and therefore apparently 'know best' and 'know better than the child what is good for the child' - not realizing that my view of 'the good life' is based in fears and desires as unresolved personal issues which I am superimposing onto the child instead of taking responsibility for my own issues and allowing the child to become self-responsible within directing their own life.
Continuing with Points 3 and 4 in the next blog. Thanks for reading.
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When and as I see myself thinking and believing that women who don't enjoy pregnancy are bad mothers - I stop, I breathe - I realise that this is an opinion that I have copied from my mother from a memory wherein she judged my French teacher as a moron/dumbass when she'd said that she hated pregnancy - and where I thought that my mom is probably right - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the opinion that serves no practical purpose than to elevate myself through ego.
When and as I see myself assuming that I know what pregnancy and motherhood is like - I stop, I breathe - I realise that my knowledge is just made up of opinions, beliefs, pictures, thoughts, impressions, interpretations, projections, etc.that have no foundation within actual living, actual reality and actual experience, which I have created into apparent 'knowledge' of what pregnancy and moterhood are like as a means to convince myself that I should do it as well as an attempt to prepare myself for it - and thus, I commit myself to let go of this unfounded knowledge and to gain some practical perspective by consideration the practical implications of motherhood and pregnancy and what it physically implies.
When and as I see myself imagining myself holding a baby that is sleeping or playing with a child in a park - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am defining the entire motherhood experience within but a few moments as though motherhood exclusively consists of such moments of enjoyment, where I am deliberately deluding myself by looking at motherhood through pink glasses - beause I want to be able to believe that motherhood will bring about this point of completion and fulfillment that I have been longing for - and thus, I commit myself to fulfill and complete myself within this very moment through breathing in all that exists and bringing it here as myself - as well as, I remind myself of the poo-factor and the screaming and the crying and the tiredness of which I have actual real experience - to pop myself out of my mind-bubble and get real.
When and as I see myself reaching to memories to define who I am - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I cannot take memories at face value, since firstly, I will twist and distort memories in my mind and secondly, I require to actually investigate who I was within the moment of the memory to assess whether this memory is in any way useful - and thus, I commit myself to take a closer look at who I was within the memory to assess the relevancy of the memory in terms of whether or not it can assist me within the present moment and simply stop defining myself according to the memory, as the memory can never dictate who I am within the present moment, but can only provide information about the past - and thus, I embrace who I am within the very simplicity of being here in breath.
When and as I see myself attaching a particular value to a certain experience where I interpret the experience as a sign of God or the Universe trying to tell me that I should make a certain commitment, decision or take a particular direction - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am elevating a self-created mind-experience to the status of God - and thus, seperating me from myself to the ultimate extent - and where I completely abdicate all self-responsibility within the commitment, decision or direction, because - apparently, I was being led on by something or someone else, while all the while I was the initiator and creator of my own experience - and thus, I commit myself to investigate the origin of the experience to understand why I created it and to realise that it is nothing special or more than me, to from there, be able to align myself according to the particular realisations that open up from the investigation - and I commit myself to consider all points within the commitment, decision or 'choice' of direction before me so that the point is acted upon from the principle of What is Best for All and is not simply based on an energetic experience that won't even last.
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This is a continuation to
Day 81: What to Expect when You're Expecting
Day 82: Only Bad Mothers Hate Pregnancy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue believing in the idea that motherhood is all about fun and fulfillment despite the fact that I have had actual physical experience with spending a lot of time with children, where the majority of the time does not consist of having fun and fulfilling yourself, but of the practical considerations of what the child requires and fulfilling one's responsibility within that.
I forgive myselff or not accepting and allowing myself to face the facts of reality of what it means to raise a child from birth, but deliberately ignore these facts and 'choose' to delude myself into thinking that being a mother is just fun and bliss.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the facts because that means I might influence my decision to have a child or not - whereas, I have always had a desire to have children and created a belief that, because this desire is so strong, that I will find a purpose and meaning within having children and that therefore, nothing can come in my way of becoming a mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my memories of being a child and being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, where my answer was 'mother of five children', where I would stick out my hand pointing 5 fingers, because I only could count to 5 at that stage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'who I am' according to these memories of telling people that I would be a mother of 5 children as a child because of the certainty that I experienced in those moments, where I did not in any way question or consider any other options, because apparently this is what I had decided I would be and become when I grew up.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever consider and investigate where this experience of certainty originated from - where it might have been a preprogrammed point, or where it might have been due to the fact that my mother was the main character as example within my world in terms of what adults do in life, and so being a mother was the only thing I really knew about when it comes to adult jobs - but instead sought for a 'sign' or a 'meaning' within the experience, thinking and believing that this was simply my purpose in life and that this is why as a child I experienced this certainty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build my life through making decisions based on experiences which I interpret through my mind - which then completely determine the rest of my life - and where I never actually took the time to investigate these experiences so that I was aware/understood what exactly I was basing my decisions on - but in essence, simply trusted my experiences as giving me 'signs of God' - in the same way that I would believe that if I fell head-over-heels for a person, that it was a sign from God or the universe that this is the person I was supposed to be with - never even considering that I might have been the creator of my own experience and that the experience is merely an out-flow/consequence/manifestation of my participation in my own mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid within the realisation that I have been kidding myself my entire life simply within this one point of accepting my experience as God and defining myself according to the memories of telling people that I would be a mother of 5 children when I grow up, where I took an interpretation for granted - leading me for the rest of my life to believe that I would be a mother and that this was something that would fulfil me in life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone my self-fulfilment through believing that I will only be fulfilled once I am a mother - where, I missed what was right before me, because I believed I had to wait until being a mother to be able to be fulfilled - and thus, in essence, wasted my life away due to a belief based on an interpretation of my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I were to decide not to become a mother, that I would be betraying myself for not fulfilling my destiny.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that the decision to be/become a mother should never be based on a personal experience as a desire to fulfill oneself, because this is a starting-point of self-interest, where one is expecting of an unborn child to fulfill one's life - when the child was not asked to be born and can certainly not be expected to be someone else's fulfillment - but, instead, the decision to have a child should be based within practical considerations only, where the questions must be asked whether one is able to effectively assist and support a child in this world - and thus, where the focus within the consideration of having a child, must already be the well-being of the child, and not the happiness of the parents.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that one of the reasons motherhood is mostly not what was expected, is because the decision to have a child was made from a consideration of one's own experiences - whereas the practical reality of living parenthood is entirely focused on the child and not the parent - and thus, one's expectations can never become fulfilled.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever consider not having children and consider what my life would be like and who I would be if I weren't a mother - because of the self-created belief that I have to attain this point of motherhood in order to fulfill myself, my life, my purpose and my destiny - where I think/believe that motherhood is the last step, the last stage that I must see to achieve and that after that, everything will just be okay, and I will finally be able to feel settled and 'in the right place'.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that it is nonsensical to attempt to raise a child in terms of what it means to live in this world if I have never even lived for myself, but only ever waited to start my life once I'd become a mother.
To be continued with Self-Corrective Statements.
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