This blog-post is part of a series - for full perspective, please also read:

Day 124: Parenthood 1 - There Is Something Wrong with my Baby - Part 1
Day 125: Parenthood Ep.1 - There Is Something Wrong with my Baby - Part 2
Day 126: Parenthood Ep.1 - My Life to Hell

When and as I see myself participating in the idea/judgment/thought/belief that there is something wrong with my child because he/she is in some way different - I stop, I breathe - I realize that normality only exists as a perception and categorization in the mind and that in essence, each one is the same, yet with different aspects of themselves more/more specifically developed/prominent and other aspects less/less specifically developed/prominent - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the judgment and see my child for who he/she is and see how I am able to best support my child.

When and as I see myself participating in the idea/judgment/thought/belief that there must be something wrong with me for having a child that is 'abnormal' and feeling guilty about my child apparenty being different from the norm - I stop, I breathe - I realize that the child will reflect to myself who I am as a mirror of manifested consequence of what I as well as the entirety of humanity has accepted and allowed - and thus, as it is here - I commit myself to take responsibility for the child as myself, not within guilt or pity - but in equality and oneness as how I would like to be supported if I were the child.

When and as I see myself participating in fear that my child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life where I participate in pity and guilt towards the child - I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am projecting unto the child my own fear of being in such a situation where if I were in some way different from the 'norm', I would see this as a 'condition' and a constant to which I must submit and to which I must submit my entire existence, of which I am now apparently the victim, and where I would believe my survival is threatened due to not conforming to the norm - and thus, I realize that in whichever way the child is different is not something that just came falling out of the sky or 'happened to the child' as per a stroke of bad luck, but was created through participation in certain patterns over time of which the child is the manifested consequence - and thus, that there is no such thing as being a victim - only a showing of what has been accepted and allowed and thus - I commit myself to firstly correct within myself the patterns that created the 'abnormality' within my child and to then show the child how he/she is able to assist and support himself/herself to stand up from within it - empowering the child instead of limiting it by defining the child and viewing it as 'the condition'.

When and as I see myself participating in future projections of how the child's life will be like due to how the child is different from the norm - I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am participating in worst-case-scenario doomsday projections based in fear - and thus, I commit myself to stop and let go within the understanding/insight/realization that I cannot predict the future, as one can only predict the future according to patterns, and thus, it is to change the pattern to create the best possible outcome.

When and as I see myself participating in pity and sadness and an experience of 'loss' within imagining/thinking that the child's life will not be what I would've wanted it to be - I stop, I breathe - I realize that the very fact that I had an idea of what I want the child's life to be indicates that I have personal issues of fears and desires that I am projecting and superimposing unto the child and that I am attempting to 'fix my issues' through my child living their life differently/having a different life experience - and thus, I commit myself to let go of any ideas, fears and desires I have in relation to what the child's life will be, but instead assist and support my child to develop into a self-responsible and self-directive being so that he/she can decide for himself/herself how to give shape to his/her own life.

When and as I see myself participating in disappointment because the child does not conform to the idea I had of who the child would be as a perfect, cute child, part of my perfect happy family - I stop, I breathe - I realize that such disappointment indicates there was an expectation towards the child fulfilling me and thus that there was self-interest within my starting-point for having a child - where it was not to unconditionally support the child for his/her sake - but to have the child become a tool in a plan for self-fulfillment and self-gratification to live out my own dreams and desires - and thus, I commit myself to correct my starting point and my relation with my child - to let go of my own self-interest within it and re-align my starting point towards what is best for all involved.

When and as I see myself participating in fear of how my life will change and how much I/my family will have to sacrifice on an emotional level when hearing that my child is in some way 'different' - I stop, I breathe - I realize that in that moment, I am immediately stating that I am emotionally unstable and that I don't have what it takes to face a challenge and take it through towards the best possible outcome, immediately giving up before I have even started, in essence trying to flee from failure - and thus, I commit myself to let go of any preconceived ideas, to take it moment by moment and direct points as they come up, both within and as the family as within and as myself - to not accept and allow myself to accumulate emotional reactions through suppression until it bursts out into a breakdown - and thus, committing myself to, even if much requires practical direction around me, to make the time to also take care of myself and not allow myself to 'keep things in' without facing and working through them - so that the challenge is not a personal sacrifice, but an actual learning and strengthening process.

When and as I see myself participating in future projections and pictures about how expensive it will be to give extra care to one child and how other family members including myself may have to pass on things we would've wanted to do, just so the extra-care needing child can receive this extra care - I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am accelerating in my mind and making assumptions about the costs that are involved - and thus, I commit myself to first do the research, to after comprehensive research and having clarity on all the available options, make practical decisions that will best support the family and all members in it.

Learn more »

I am here starting to walk a series as I go through the episodes of Parenthood wherein I'll work my way through various aspects of parenthood where throughout generations parents have tended to behave in similar ways in certain situations - and so, taking the opportunity to release preconceived ideas and copied-over behaviors about parenting/parenthood and considering what would be a best-for-all approach in such a situation. So - note that these are not situations that I am faced with in my life currently, but am taking responsibility for within seeing that: it could've been me. Herein - I invite everyone to share your own perspectives in the comment section - other points you may have observed or other possible solutions!

Here goes!

In the first Episode of Season one of the series Parenthood, Kristina and Adam get to hear that their son, Max, might have Asperger syndrome - both use the words 'there is something wrong with my baby/son' to describe the situation. This is one of the big fears parents have - that their child will be different, that it will be abnormal, that it will be disadvantaged, that it will be dysfunctional - and where this is then labeled as 'wrong'. There are a few aspects to this point.

1. Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing guilt about it.
2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.
3. Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.
4. Fear of how the parents' lives will change and how much they will have to sacrifice for the child - emotionally, financially and practically.

I'll further open up each of these points with Self-Forgiveness:

1. Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing guilt about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that there is/will/may be something 'wrong' with my baby - where 'wrong' could mean anything from the child being different in physical features, or 'out of the ordinary' regarding social or psychological 'make-up', it being 'abnormal' in any sense, it being disadvantaged in any sense, it being dysfunctional in any sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if a/my child deviates in any way from what is regarded as the 'norm' to label a child as 'normal', then it is appropriate to assess that there is something 'wrong' with the child and to as such label the child as 'wrong'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my child deviating from 'the norm' because I believe and fear that it would mean that there is something wrong with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately take it personally if I were to find out that my child does not conform to the 'norm' of what is regarded as a 'normal child' and to from there immediately feel guilty in the belief that I 'bestowed' unto the child deficient genes and that therefore I am the cause of bringing into the world and abnormality, which I would judge as an 'abomination'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge anything that is abnormal as deviating from 'the norm' as 'abominable' - believing it to be bad, fowl, a disgrace in the sense of it being a sign that that which is deemed 'abnormal' is as such because it fell or is not within 'God's Grace'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately assume/believe/interpret that if I were to have an 'abnormal' child as deviating from what is deemed to be 'the norm' - that it must be a punishment from God and thus, that i have done something terribly wrong/evil/fowl in my life that would deserve such a punishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately judge myself as 'abnormal', 'abominable', 'inadequate', 'deficient' and 'unworthy' if I were to find out that my child is in some way deviating from 'the norm' - and to actually believe that I am 'abnormal', 'abominable', 'inadequate', 'deficient' and 'unworthy'.

2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in reaction to hearing that my child may have some form of 'abnormality', immediately start generating thoughts as future projections about what their life may/might look like - where I would immediately assume the worst-case-scenario and believe that their life will be miserable, unfulfilling and difficult - and where I would then immediately start pitying the child as a victim, as hopeless and helpless.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that such a reaction reflects how I would react when/if I see that I in some way am different to others - where I would immediately believe that my life is doomed and that I will not be able to live my life the way it is 'meant' to be lived, as though such a way exists - and that I will inevitable suffer pain, difficulty and misery - and whereby I would immediately start pitying myself, seeing myself as a victim and as helpless and hopeless - where I would immediately define myself as inferior to whichever 'condition' or 'way in which I differ from the norm' and would allow it to dictate who I am and dictate my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - whenever I see that I in some way differ from others or differ from 'the norm' - immediately believe that this is a problem and will cause difficulties, whereby I then believe I have to 'find a way' to 'make up' for this apparent 'disability' or 'condition' and through future projections in my mind, attempt to envision all the worst case scenarios as situations where problems may arise due to this 'disability' and 'condition' - and then try to devise and think up ways through my mind in which I would be able to 'mask' my difficulty - so that others would only notice minimally that something's up and not judge me so that I wouldn't feel bad about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that any deviation from the 'norm' immediately implies inferiority in relation to the norm - that whatever is different, is by default worse and a problem to my survival.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - as soon as I see that there may be something different about me - label it as a 'condition' as a constant variable that cannot be changed and to which I must submit myself and my entire existence - instead of investigating how such a 'condition' was created through the acceptance and allowance of certain patterns over time - and from there see how I am best able to assist and support myself to align the origin-points to prevent the perpetuation of such patterns as taking responsibility for them - and not view the 'condition' as something separate from me that 'happened to me' - but seeing how I participated in its creation through my acceptances and allowances over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have imagined future projections of what my child's life must be like or what I would want my child's life to be like in terms of the kind of life I would've wanted/want - and so, whenever reality shows that my child's life will not be that which I had attempted to impose on it through my mind - I feel like I have failed - revealing herein the conditionality under which parents define effective parenting - where a parent apparently - lol - only succeeds and is effective in parenting if and only if the parent is able to control the child's life to such an extent that it turns out exactly the way the parent had envisioned/planned/hoped/wanted for the child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is a parent's job and responsibility to shape their children's lives and to make sure that the child does not stray from the path that the parent had set out from them - because apparently the parent is 'wise' in having lived a longer time and therefore apparently 'knows best' - when really the parent's view on 'a good life' is all based in fears and desires and unresolved personal issues which the parent superimposes onto the child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is my job and responsibility to shape my child/children's life/lives and to make sure that my child does not stray from the path that i have set out for them - and thus, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am 'wise' and 'all-knowing' must because I have lived a few decades longer than the child on this planet already and therefore apparently 'know best' and 'know better than the child what is good for the child' - not realizing that my view of 'the good life' is based in fears and desires as unresolved personal issues which I am superimposing onto the child instead of taking responsibility for my own issues and allowing the child to become self-responsible within directing their own life.

Continuing with Points 3 and 4 in the next blog. Thanks for reading.



Learn more »