Showing posts with label regret. Show all posts

Dag 120: Counting on Others to make My Life's Decisions

I noticed a point today that, when I am faced with a life-altering decision, I go into a complete point of resistance. Eventually, I move myself towards practically considering the facts involved - but initially, that first experience still comes up.

The resistance is not so much in relation to either one of the options - but in relation to having to make the decision itself. I keep going back to the thought 'I don't know what would be best!'

Considering my previous blog-series this is quite fascinating as my whole life I've been wanting to make my own decisions and having the space and money to make my own decisions - but now, when it comes to it, I just keep thinking that someone else should tell me what to do - and most prominently, I find myself wanting to get advise from my mother.

Throughout my life I was never really shown how to practically make a decision - when I asked for advise - people would present me with questions to answer, such as:
- What do you want?
- Will you regret doing option B if you go for option A?
- If you go for option A and it fails, do you have a back-up plan?

The advanced considerations always stood in the context of my fears and my desires - where I would then weigh my fears against my desires and then make a decision according to what I perceived would yield the highest positive result.

So - in realizing that desires and fears are no valid premise to base a decision upon, because positive and negative charges are volatile,where something that was first seen as positive turns into something negative or something expected to be negative, is actually experienced as positive - so my expectations of and experiences of negative and positive points would keep changing and altering during the decision-making and even after the decision-making, which would then confuse me and make me wonder whether I made the 'right choice'.
So - in realizing that my feelings and emotions are no trustworthy guide in life, I feel I am left with nothing - that is my first, initial, immediate experience: a big black hole of nothingness.

I've within my process developed a method of making practical decisions - but the fact that this resistance-experience still comes up, indicates that I still have a tendency of not trusting myself in the face of the unknown - where - when I see nothingness and have to actually direct, create and move myself into the future - I immediately go into a belief of limitation and am grabbing to something or someone else to get a foothold, to have a reference, to have confirmation, to have validation - instead of simply trusting myself here - standing equal and one as the nothingness, one can consider everything. If one doesn't stand equal and one as nothingness, it means one has already placed oneself into a particular mind-set, a particular opinion, a particular belief, a particular attitude - from where you already limit and compromise your ability to see what would actually be best.
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Day 97: Dying without Regret - What did I do with my Life?

For Context, please check out the Discussion currently happening on Facebook on the Afterlife Awareness and After-Death Communication page - under the following post:

The true definition of what "death" is has been on my mind recently. I've read about many people experiencing OBE's during surgery, during very traumatic accidents and many other situations where their systems were in shock. What I find even more interesting is many of the same out of body experiences are occurring in people who are normally healthy. It's called astral travel or astral projection. I was a critic until I began "flying" at the beginning of 2012. It started happening at night, usually the moment I fall asleep, however it has recently been occurring during the day in deep meditation. My physical body is not dead yet I experience travel on many different dimensions. I can no longer honestly say that death is an ending, rather it's a beginning of new experience or an awakening. Anyone else experiencing this beautiful phenomenon?
OBE's, NDE's, ADC - all these points are not the sole cause of the state of the world. They are rather ways in which we participate in the one problem that is causing the state of the world: which is not taking responsibility. And this is something people do in general, not just love-and-light-seekers, not just OBE'rs, NDE'rs or this particular facebook group. I personally don't have any experience with OBE/NDE or ADC. But I understand the underlying motivations for it. And that is where the problem lies.

We grow up in this world as children expecting nothing but fun - and then we grow up and we see that things are tough and people are often nasty. We learn about how we have to earn money to get by and we learn about how there are people who don't have money to survive. We learn about deception, about manipulation and about abuse. Now - we can either try to live our own lives and try to be as happy as we can be on an individual level - or we can look at why the world is the way it is and how we can fix it. As far as I'm concerned, I only have this one life - I may have more, but I can't verify such claims. So - I work with what I know: I have one lifetime. And in a life, we actually have quite a lot of time - and if I dedicate this time towards investigating the problems in the world and finding solutions that would work for everyone - as well as taking the staps to actually implement those solutions - then that is a life worth living. If all would do this, the world would be sorted out in no time. But instead - I've found that people prefer to just try to make their own life work and try to find some happiness and fulfillment on a personal level. I mean - that's what I was doing, that's what everyone I've ever met was/is doing. But to me that is not acceptable, because that means that when I bring a child into the world, it will expect a life of fun, but instead, I will present it with the same disappointments and horrors that I was faced with growing up: that this world is a mess and that no-one has really done any attempt to change it in any susbtantial way.

As I said, I don't have experience with OBE and things like that - but I had a different 'mission' or passion in my life - which was dancing. It was my one point of 'light' and 'comfort' because when I was dancing, I did not think about everything else in my life - it was just me, my body, other people's bodies, the music, the rythm, the flow - it was like perfect harmony and like in that moment nothing else existed but this perfect harmony. And I was great in school - I skipped a grade because I was considered 'above average' in intelligence, but I wasn't interested in studying - I wanted to dedicate my life to dancing on a professional level, because that was what made me happy.

Then I came across Desteni and I was faced with the same question you're faced with now: which was - why do you do it? Do you do it from a starting point of self-interest or because it will bring about solutions that work for everyone? And to test the answer for myself I did the following: I imagined my life without dancing. Immediately, I felt sooo sad, desperate and depressed. And that's how I knew that the reason I danced was to hide from how I really feel - to try to be happy on an individual level. It was not because it was going to help anyone - although, I could probably make up reasons and justifications of how dancing can help people. That was not the point - the point is not whether it could help people, the point was that this was not the reason why I was doing it. I was doing it to feel something positive, to feel special, to feel good about myself. But those experiences were not real or valid, because they didn't last - they only lasted for as long as I was dancing. I wasn't a ball of light, I wasn't special and I wasn't in any way better or a virtuous person. I just felt that way.

So - when I realised what I've just explained - I made a decision to give up dancing for this life - to stop trying to dedicate my life to dancing. Because I realised that dancing was not going to change me - it was just going to change the way I feel for a moment. And if I would continue participating in my blissful state of dancing, it would stand in my way of really facing who I am and what I really experience - and it would stand in my way of seeing the problems in the world and how they need to be sorted out. No-one wants to feel shitty, but we all do on some level. And from one perspective, we all have to sort out our internal world, but from another, we have to sort out the external conditions that support inner conflict and inner confusion as well. So - I decided that with this lifetime - I had a decision to make - and I decided to dedicate the time I have in this life towards finding real solutions instead of personal happiness and gratification.

And this is the decision each of you basically have to make - not that we're demanding it or because we're popping the question - it's a decision you make whether you're aware of it or not - now we're just placing the question in your awareness so you can make a more informed decision. Unless we realise that we're all in the same boat - whether we're an OBE'r a dancer, a drug addict, a criminal or, a desperate housewife, or a disillusioned child - we're only ever going to be chasing happiness through personal experiences - but it will never be real and it will never last and it will never create the world we actually would like to live in.

And - it is not about joining Desteni or agreeing with 'us'. This is about who you want to be and what you'll say when you die when you ask yourself the question: What did I actually do with my Life?
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Day 93: How to Make a Self-Honest Decision?

I've had several people asking how to make a self-honest decision - like, how can they be sure that the decision they make is self-honest. See - the tendency exists to try to make decisions in one's mind, where reasons for one or the other way are floating around in one's mind and one cannot really see clearly. The mind will continuously jump from one side to the other, from one reason to the other, creating confusion, doubt and fear.

The method I use, especially with decisions that involve a lot of fear - where the mind perceives it has a lot to lose if one goes for 'Door 1' or 'Door 2' - to make the decision-making process a practical one. Practical - meaning: to not try/attempt to make a decision in one's mind - because herein one will never see where one is self-honest and where one is not. Therefore - here is a suggested method:

To take a piece of paper and make two columns. Let's say the decision pertains to moving in with someone or staying to live by oneself. A decision has to be made between:

Option 1: Moving in with X
Option 2: Living by myself

Once you have established what options are involved in your decision - you write at the top of the first column 'Moving in with X' - or whatever your first option is - and 'Living by myself' - or whatever your second option is - at the top of the second column. Then strike a horizontal line underneath those words, accross both columns.

Then - under the horizontal line, in column one - you list all the reasons that come to mind of why you would go for Option 1 - or in our example: why you would Move in with X. This can be for instance:

- I'll have more fun living with another person
- I need someone to help me financially
- I deserve to have the experience of having a roommate
- Then I don't have to miss X when I'm home
- etc.

Once you've listed all the reasons that come to mind in relation to Moving in with X (or your Option 1), do the same for Option 2.

IMPORTANT: Within Identifying the reasons that come to mind in relation to Option 1 or Option 2 - be Absolutely Self-Honest. Meaning: Don't leave anything out - even if it only pops up for a tiny second and then you go 'nah, that's not really a reason' - go back - and add the reason in. The fact that it came up means that on some level it does influence and impact your decision-making process.

Once you have listed all your reasons for either Moving in with X or staying ot live by yourself, take one reason at a time and unconditionally apply Self-Forgiveness on any point of self-dishonesty that you can identify within that particular reason for either chosing for Option 1 or Option 2. Once you have cleared the first reason of all Self-Dishonesty (after which you may or may not have debunked the reason altogether), you repeat the same process of self-forgiveness with every other reason on your piece of paper.

After your self-forgiveness, you'll find that most of the reasons you wrote down on your piece of paper were not actually self-honest reasons but were merely justifications used to try and convince yourself that either Option 1 or Option 2 is the right thing to do. So - after your self-forgiveness, you'll be able to identify which reasons are valid considerations and which are not. If you're lucky, you'll only have one valid reason - which makes your decision-making easy, because then you simply look at which column the reason is in and you see which option would be self-honest. If you have several options to consider, you can now do so without the other reasons floating around in the background, which 'clog' your view and make it difficult to see the trees through the forest.

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Day 81: What to Expect when You're Expecting

After listening to the Interview 'A Mother's Love of Guilt' - I realised that I have always romanticised what it would be like to have a child. You always picture those moments of holding a baby sleeping or playing with a child in the park and things like that - you know, the nice stuff. I also recently saw the movie 'What to Expect when You're Expecting' where this one lady was really eager to get pregnant and she was expecting to experience this state of 'bliss' in terms of having this profound connection with the baby and this whole lovey-dovey experience in relation to carrying a child. But then once she gets pregnant, the bliss is nowhere to be found and all there is is physical pain, tiredness, uncomfortableness, emotional turmoil, weird cravings, mood swings, uncontrollable peeing, and so the list goes on.

So - what our expectations are as what we project of pregnancy and motherhood have no connection in any way whatsoever to the reality of living and walking these points in the physical.

It's fascinating - because I've spent time with cihldren for long periods, like on camps, where I'd be responsible for entertaining a group of teenagers for ten days. Or, during the summer working at a daycare, where me and 4 others would be in charge of 30 to 40 toddlers each day. And sure - there was moments where I'd have so much fun with them and absolutely enjoyed their expressions and way of looking at things - but at the end of the day, I was just so fricking glad that I could send them back to their parents, because I was utterly and totally exhausted. So - I've had this practical experience of what it's like to spend a whole day or several days with a child, continuously having to place the child as the number one priority and where I basically have no time for myself, except after the children's bedtime - and yet, my ideas and projections of me having a child of my own don't consider these experiences in any way whatsoever.

I mean, I've even raised baby-chicks in my house - which is this tinly little being that you have to look after all the time. And if you for a moment don't give it the required attention by not feeding it in time or not letting it fall asleep under your shirt, it tweets so loud and continuously that your brain tries to flee from your head. And once they get older and start to want to wander around by themselves, I waddled around after them to clean up their poop from the floor. And when they still got older, I made them diapers, because their shits were now getting so big and frequent that I couldn't keep up. And so, then I was changing diapers every day - which was so not a pleasant experience - I mean, chicken-poo really stinks and I can imagine that baby-poop stinks a thousand times more. AND STILL - when I try to picture what it would be like to have a child, I focus only on that which I think I would enjoy - completely forgetting about the poo-factor and the fact that a baby-human can't walk by itself for a really long time, where you have to carry it around all the time. I mean, what's the deal with that anyways - even a chick can walk after day one!

Anyways... the point is that I'm deliberately ignoring the fact that having a child means to be responsible for the life and well-being of a completely helpless creature. Without me doing my part of taking care of the child 24/7 - the child dies - simple. If ever I thought choice existed - that perception would be completely annihilated when faced with a having a baby.

I don't want to spoil it for you by giving the details - you should really listen to it yourself - but the interview 'A Mother's Love of Guilt' explains very clearly how and why it is that our projections of what we think it will be like to have a child/be a mother never ever matches the actual reality of it. It also explains why mothers often have 'bad'/negative thoughts about their children of wondering if they didn't make a mistake in having a child, or wishing they'd never had kids or thinking they wasted their life in having a child. Obviously, this is a topic no-one speaks about, because the mother doesn't want to be judged as being a bad person or a bad mother. But, I mean - every mother has these thoughts - and it's not that it's a bad thing - but the thing is that mothers don't understand why these thoughts come up - and in listening to this interview, you'll get a clear explanation, which will allow you to understand these experiences and be able to direct them more effectively. So, if you're a mother and you can relate to these experiences - then listening to this interview is a MUST. If you're a mother and you're reading this and you're kind of feeling offended and thinking "no ways - I would never think that - these are lies" - then, by all means, leave this page and move on. Only those mothers who are honest with themselves about their experiences will be able to change them in any case.

To be continued.
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Day 58: Living Life in Service of Guilt


This blog-post is a continuation of:
Day 55: Today I Broke Up with my Ex
Day 56: Letting Go of an Old Flame
Day 57: Doubting Myself after a Decision

An additional point opened up in relation to why I had still a commitment living with myself of one day going back to an ex-boyfriend. Simply put: I believed I owed it to him.

As I described, our 'relationship' was turbulent and was an emotional rollercoaster. So - in many ways it was a very painful experience, both for myself as for him. It was so turbulent because from the beginning I had this certainty that the relationship would never work, because we were just too different and barely agreed on anything. Yet, the feelings and attraction were very strong and I just really wanted to live out a love-drama of TV-soup-kalibre. So, I kept on trying to convince myself that it maybe could work, trying to focus on the few things that we did agree on/that we did have in common - and in the meantime strolling him along, while he had a different outlook on the relationship, where he appeared quite certain of thinking that this was 'it'. And this underlying point of certainty that this relationship is not really what I want caused us to keep splitting up, while the attraction/feelings always brought us back together - which is what caused most of the emotional hurting.

And on some level I was aware of this, yet I kept continuing in the same cycle. And the guilt originating from this deliberateness is what strengthened the promise within myself to eventually go back to him - to try to make up for the pain that I caused during our on-and-off relationship period.

If I had not found Desteni and started my process and journey to life, I can see it very likely that I would have attempted to fulfill my promise and try to make it so I'd end up with him - trying to pay for my sins of the past by binding myself to him. It is quite a perturbing and shocking realisation for me that I would be willing to live my life in service of guilt - where I feel I have to 'pay my dues' - where, in essence, I give up myself entirely, allowing my life to end - to try to fulfill someone else's. And if I had done this and the certainty of knowing that this relationship is not what I wanted, I would have probably suppressed it and despite myself, forced myself to remain in the relationship - banning my self-honesty and my integrity to the deepest corner of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stroll myself and J along in the illusion that maybe someday the relationship will work-out by trying to focus on the points that we agreed on/had in common and ignoring a strong

sense of certainty within myself that this relationship could never work, because we were too different and we wanted different things in life - yet, because my feelings/attraction to him were so strong as well as my desire to live out a rollercoaster love-drama, I did not make a clear decision within myself to stand by my self-honesty and not by fleeting/changing emotions and feelings, although I knew that this was the self-honest thing to do, both for myself as for J.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep feeding J's idea/perception/belief that maybe we were 'meant to be together' by always coming back to him, while I, in all self-honesty, did not have the intention to stay with him and spend the rest of my life with him - and within that point, I knew that the relationship was not valid and my attempts to try and make it work were not valid and that the suffering that sprung from this back-and-forth shifting was unnecessary and couldn't be justified.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as self-certainty, but rather trust attraction, desire, feelings and the idea of eternal/true love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise both myself and J through not trusting myself - but thinking/believing that if I act in the same way as characters in movies do - by simply following 'their heart'/the feeling of love - I would eventually get a happy ending.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe what is portrayed in movies, that if one simply follows one's heart, that then one will be happy, make the right decisions, have no regrets in life and fulfil oneself - and thus, rather trust movies than trusting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my life-decisions on what movies/TV have taught me in terms of how I should live my life and what the best way is to true and complete happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue the same cycle, always conning myself in the same points, even though I was aware that my indecision and my  self-manipulation was causing the pain within myself as well as J - and thus, knowing that if I simply put an end to the relationship and communicate clearly that this will never happen or work, that I could have saved myself and him a lot of unnecessary hurt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the guilt of knowing that I was deliberate in not doing what I saw had to be done, but rather follow my fears, desires and feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way I could make the guilt go away is if I try to make it up to him, try to stop his pain once and for all by giving him what he wants - a long-standing relationship - and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that even within the decision to try to make things up to J, I am still doing it from a starting point of self-interest, because all I really want is for my guilt to go away.

To be continued.
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Day 1–Giving up Before having Started

With this blog I am starting a 7 Year Journey to Life. One blog a day for 7 years, wherein I write myself out and let go of mind-patterns through using Self-Forgiveness, as well as creating the solution through Self-Corrective Statements, wherein I prepare myself to walk the change.

The first thought that popped into my head in relation to starting the 7 Year Journey was: I’ll never keep it up, I shouldn’t be doing this, because I won’t pull it through in any case. With this one thought – I indicated that I wanted to give up before I had even started! This is a recurring pattern in my life, where I only want to take on projects or endeavours where I am pretty much nearly 100% certain that I will be successful at it. And if I doubt myself in being able to pull something off, I’ll rather not start it in order to avoid feeling like a failure.

So, here goes:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’ll never keep up a 7 year commitment to blog each day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – before having even started – project what the outcome of this endeavour would be, and in imagining myself being inconsistent and eventually giving up – I believe that this is what will happen and therefore, instead of walking the process in the physical, I immediately give up then and there, to not give myself a chance to ‘screw up’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I undertake a new project or endeavour, that I should be perfect at it from the start until the end – not allowing myself to process of learning from my mistakes and perfecting myself as I walk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as someone who can undertake and complete a project with great ease and to not defy that definition of myself, I will simply avoid any projects where I feel like I may possible fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in terms of past memories where as a chid I would do things with great ease and everyone around me would be stunned at how easily I would complete a project or task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how other people see me and believe that if others start seeing me differently, that then I will lose myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others starting to see me differently if I were to stumble and struggle to complete a project or endeavour.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to live up to the standard others hold me to in order not to lose myself, my self-worth and my self-esteem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself, my self-worth and my self-esteem in how others judge me and to what extent they see me as worthy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see failing as a definitive point where – if I fail, it is too late, I am a failure and there is nothing I can do to redeem myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to fail in the eyes of others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that stumbling and struggling is a part of learning a particular skill – where, as i stumble and struggle, I see where and how I can become more effective and thus, as I walk, I assist and support myself to expand, grow and excel.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to expand, grow and excel through only ever doing that which I know I’m good at.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally undertake a new project or endeavour, but only do it in terms of what people will think of me if I pull it off and whether they will hold me in high esteem or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in an illusionary realm where ‘who I am’ is someone who doesn’t make mistakes – instead of embracing the reality of the situation – that I am nowhere near perfect and I stumble, struggle and make mistakes in the process of learning and developing new skills.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that stumbling, struggling and making mistakes are bad things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge stumbling, struggling and making mistakes as bad things.
I forgive myself for acdepresscepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself through holding unrealistic expectations of myself and if ever I may possible not answer to these expectations, sell myself short in giving up before I’ve started to not have to face any regret or shame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to face regret or shame.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that regret is an indicator that I am wallowing in self-pity over something I have done in the past, instead of forgiving myself, learning from the mistake and practically designing a solution to not make the same mistake again.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that shame is an indicator that I have sabotaged myself in a certain point and that I therefore require to investigate what I did it, how I did it and why I did it to be able to release the point in question and script a solution for myself for if I were to find myself in the same or a similar situation again.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want to make sure that I will be right before I do something, or that what I’ll be doing will be successfully executed and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that knowing that I will be successful is what self-trust is.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to expand self-trust to being sure that I will be here for myself no matter what and that I will learn from my mistakes and my past, assisting and supporting myself to expand, grow and excel to the point where I am certain that I am absolutely specific and effective in a particular point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up all kinds of excuses to justify why I it is okay for me to give up before I’ve even started a project so that I can feel like I did the right thing, while all the while I can self-honestly see that I am deceiving myself – but just to ‘shut myself up’, I’ll give myself all kinds of reasons to ‘prove’ and convince myself that I am doing the right thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself to a point of giving up by bringing up all kinds of memories from the past where I feel like I failed and where I felt hopeless and helpless as a way of convincing myself that if I take on the particular project before me – I will feel the same way and there will be nothing I can do to change myself, my experience, or my situation.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that resistance is a program that kicks in whenever I am standing in front of a transcendence point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – in giving in to the resistance – state that resistance is more than me, that my mind is more than me and that I will forever more be a slave to my mind and existence as it is – accepting that I will never and can never change or take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that resistance is merely a program that I can push through to be able to face myself, my reality, my relationships and create a version of myself, my reality and my relationships that is actually best for all.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that in giving in to resistance and making up excuses and justifications for why I shouldn’t push through, I am actually arguing for my own self-limitation.

I realise that resistance is an indicator that shows me that I am standing in front of a transcendence point, that it is merely a program that I can push and move myself through to allow myself to expand and improve myself to a point of absolute self-equality and oneness.

I realise that there is no valid excuse or justification for selling myself short and accepting self-limitation.

I realise that mistakes, stumbles and struggles don’t mean the end of an endeavour and a definitive failure – instead, they are points along the road in the journey to life.

When and as I see myself resisting to commit to a certain project or endeavour, I stop, I breathe – I realise I am standing in front of a transcendence point and that the experience is not real but merely an automated program of the mind – therefore, I push through the resistance and unconditionally commit myself to the project or the endeavour within the starting point of giving it all I’ve got.

When and as I see myself making up excuses and justifications for why I should or shouldn’t do something – I stop, I breathe – I look at what it is that I am resisting and afraid of, I apply the forgiveness, let go of the fear and embrace the new challenge before me.

When and as I see myself projecting myself into the future, imagining that I will fail at a project or endeavour that I haven’t even started yet – I stop, I breathe – I remind myself that I am not a fortune-teller and that it is unacceptable to sell myself short. Instead – I bring myself back here and practically move myself to undertake and complete the project or endeavour to the best of my ability.
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