Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Day 139: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 3

This blog-post is a continuation to:


Day 131: Who Am I in a Group?
Day 132: Who Am I in a Group? Clashes of Cultures
Day 133: Who Am I in a Group? - Nothing Left but Memories
Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1
Day 135: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company Pt2
Day 136: Who Am I in a Group? Dancing with a Ghost
Day 137: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 1
Day 138: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 2


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of the past and approaching any new group/moment in a group as a new moment, where I am here, in the moment, participating in that moment, but instead, filter my experience, expectations and perceptions of the group/myself in the group through my memories in my mind of previous experiences in groups, wherein I in fact sabotage my participation and experience in the group as I then exist in continuous fear and hope in relation to the group – fear that the same patterns will play out again and hope that it might be different this time, and so never simply being ‘here’, participating directly, but where my behaviors, experiences and participation is influenced by this fear and this hope.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have sabotaged my participation in groups in the past through participating from a starting point of mind-experience – wherein I allowed my emotions/feelings to guide me in my participation in the group and use my emotions/feelings as a measuring stick for the value a group has to me – and wherein I have assumed that all individuals participate in groups in the same way and that this is the only way groups exist – based on the extent to which the group is able to provide more feelings than emotional experiences to each individual and if the individuals find that the group is not providing this, the group disintegrates.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that ‘groups’ were never the ‘problem’, but that it was my starting point and the starting point of the existence of the group that was not clear – wherein I desired/wanted the group to exist forever, but never clarified with myself and the others in the group what the foundation is of participating in the group, how the group will move forward; where no agreement ever existed as to each one’s responsibility within being part of the group, so that the group is not an ‘energy outlet’ to recharge our minds with positive experiences – but a group founded in mutual support – where the principles upon which the group is founded are communicated and clear for each individual and so that no abdication of responsibility can take place, where the group is made responsible for something self did or didn’t do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my own past experience as a reference of ‘what is possible’ and ‘what is not possible’, wherein I believe that if I haven’t experienced something before, then it is impossible for it to exist – where, with groups, because I haven’t experienced a group that didn’t disintegrate after a certain amount of time, I believe that it is impossible for groups to last for very long, simply because that has been my experience up until now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that when things become difficult/challenging within/for a group, that the group will seize to exist, because this has been my experience within previous groups that I ‘cherished’ – where the group of the summer camp stopped existing once we all lived in places far away and had to either devise new ways of communicating or do more effort to bring the group together, same with my high school group, and with the dance company, when one of the dancers died and we required to work through our grief.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined groups as something that only lasts so long and, in the bigger pictures, are only fleeting moments of beings walking together for a while, until it becomes too much of an effort for the individuals to keep the group standing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to clarify with myself whether a group requires to exist forever, wherein I do not clarify for myself the purpose of the group and my participation within it and from there see: when is the existence of the group appropriate/applicable and when does it become irrelevant – but instead look at my positive experiences within the group and wanting those to last forever, and then wanting to force the group to last forever as well so that I can continue experiencing these positive feelings, rather than assessing whether the existence of this group is still relevant and simply moving on if I see it is not.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Day 138: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 2

This blog-post is a continuation to:

Day 131: Who Am I in a Group?
Day 132: Who Am I in a Group? Clashes of Cultures
Day 133: Who Am I in a Group? - Nothing Left but Memories
Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1
Day 135: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company Pt2
Day 136: Who Am I in a Group? Dancing with a Ghost
Day 137: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 1

I ended off my last post with the Self-Forgiveness statement:


“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be skeptical of groups in terms of thinking/believing that it is unlikely that it will be fun experiencing myself in a group of so many different individuals when in my experience, each individual brings the potential that I will experience conflict with them – and therefore, any time where I do find myself in a group where there is a relative tolerance towards each other and a general mutual agreement to have fun and a good time together – I elevate it into something magical and miraculous within and as myself – accessing positive feelings of wonder, exhilaration, connectedness, euphoria, excitement, hope and love.”

So, I'm continuing from there:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach groups from a feeling and emotion perspective – where I either associate a negative emotion to groups or the opposite polarity of positive feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my evaluation of a group based on what kind of experiences I go through, where if I mostly experience negative emotions while participating within the group, then I will dislike the group and try to remove myself from the group and if I mostly experience positive feelings in the group, then I will attempt to hold on to the group.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever approach groups from the simple realization that groups consist of individuals and so to participate in a group is to participate with other individuals – instead, when in groups, it has always been about me – what can the group do for ME – how does participating in the group make ME feel – how does participating in the group make ME look – wherein I have used groups to satisfy experiences and if I found the group was not or no longer giving me the experiences I desired, then I would discard the group and so the individuals within it – showing that I never had actually considered any of the individuals within the group but only participating from a starting point of pure self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an interpretation of the groups I am participating in within my mind, where, within my mind, I create a ‘group entity’ to which I associate a positive or negative association – and based on that experience the ‘group feeling’ as being good or bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – in order to experience as many positive feelings as possible – always assimilate myself as much as possible to the others in the group – adjusting how I behave, speak, dress, what I talk about, what I express my interests to be, what I express my opinions and likes and dislikes to be – to as much as possible ‘fit in’ with the group – because I have come to believe that the more each one conforms to the norms and standards of others in the group, the stronger the group will be and the more the group can do ‘for me’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever consider what I understand under ‘a strong group’ – where I now realize that a ‘strong group’ actually referred to the extent to which individuals within the group assimilate to each other and so support each other within their perceptions, beliefs, opinions, ideas, in order to generate a maximum sum total of positive feelings within each of the individuals.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I base my participation within groups on energetic experiences, then no group can ever last – because mind energy always moves between the polarities of negative, positive, negative, positive, etc. – and so if positive or negative energy is the determining factor for my participation or removal from a group – then it is inevitable that I will at some point experience negative energy – and especially if previously the positive energy had been quite intense – it will be mirrored by an equally intense negative experience – and so it is pointless to try to ‘hold on’ to a group for the positive feelings I experience within it, because it will not last.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that no matter what kind of ‘connection’ I felt I had with people – on summer camps, or in the dance company or in the high school – it was always based within interpretation and experience where I would elevate the lack of anxiety or uncomfortableness to something ‘more than’ and create the idea and belief that this group was special for me to be able to experience these ‘amazing things’ with these other beings – when actually – I never had a real connection with any of the beings in any substantial way – I didn’t know who they were, what their lives were like or what they experienced.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that whenever I would experience something apparently ‘amazing’ – I would project this experience and attribute it to the group – never actually looking at what the experience was – whether it was simply a point of silence or comfortability or how exactly a positive feeling was triggered within me in for instance feeling appreciated or validated or accepted – where, of course – everything that I experienced, I experienced within myself and so could have a self-honest look at the nature of the experience and how/why I was experiencing myself in this way – but instead chucking up my experience to the other beings and the group – and so creating a dependency with the other beings the group in a hope of experiencing these points again – where within walking in groups, I would in fact continuously separate me from myself and always miss: me.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Day 137: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 1

This blog-post is a continuation to:

Day 131: Who Am I in a Group?
Day 132: Who Am I in a Group? Clashes of Cultures
Day 133: Who Am I in a Group? - Nothing Left but Memories
Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1
Day 135: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company Pt2
Day 136: Who Am I in a Group? Dancing with a Ghost



Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as soon as I am beginning to be introduced to a new group – immediately try to define ‘my place’ in the group and my role/position/status in the group based on others’ behaviors, responses, looks, etc. – instead of realizing that – what they are experiencing is about them, not about me – this group is a group of individuals that has been created for some purpose or reason to do something together, but within that, each individual is equal to each other individual and there is no need to try to establish a social pecking order or try to find/define my position/role/status within the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be shy around strangers and to believe in those moments that ‘who I am is shy’ – and that I cannot be anything but shy in such a moment of being faced with strangers.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the primary reason for why I experienced shyness around strangers, was the thought and the fearwhat if they don’t like me?’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, whenever I am faced with strangers, ask myself the question ‘what if they don’t like me?’ and within asking myself this question, access anxiety and fear of not being accepted within myself - as well as fear of being ridiculed and rejected – where, within such a moment, within running through such a ‘what if’ scenario very fast within my mind – I experience within myself in that moment the embarrassment of being ridiculed/rejected by these strangers – which then manifests as shyness in that moment – because I feel I have things to be embarrassed about and hence I should apparently be ‘on guard’ and not feel comfortable, but rather hide myself in the shadows as much as possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when being introduced to a new group, first always keep my distance in terms of keeping to myself and not only interacting with one person at a time, but never really participating in the group as a member of the group – because I first want to be able to see what kind of behavior is appreciated in the group and which is not – so that, as I start to see what kind of behavior is appreciated, develop a personality that fits in with the standards I see in terms of what people seem to like and not like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way to get to know people is to make sure that they like me beforehand – therefore creating and molding myself according to the particular type of personality that will be ‘most successful’ in terms of being accepted by the other members in the group – and to believe that only once I am accepted/liked, I can start sharing myself bit by bit so that others can get to know me and I can get to know others – instead of realizing that I don’t require to be ‘pre-approved’ by anything or anyone in order to be able to make a connection with others and, in fact, that I am creating within others expectations about ‘who I am’ based on the particular personality I am living out – which later will only be invalidated as I start to slowly open up and participated in sharing myself – and so at the very onset create the conditions for disappointment within my relationship and so compromise of the relationship with others as I walk into a relationship and group under false pretenses – where I would later feel that I in part have to keep ‘keep playing the personality’ and so limit myself in terms of how I express myself and what I share of myself so that I am not found out to be a fraud and rejected.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I ever really was ‘myself’ in a group – when actually, I would always very carefully continue to monitor people’s responses and feedback to me to see if I am deviating too much from the expectations they have of who I am in terms of the personality I introduced myself as initially, that was ‘accepted’ by them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start feeling guilty when participating in a group, especially if I would start enjoying myself and the other beings – because I knew in part I was participating in deception towards them and continued to do so because I felt it was now ‘too late to go back’ and didn’t want to give up my positive experiences within the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be skeptical of groups in terms of thinking/believing that it is unlikely that it will be fun experiencing myself in a group of so many different individuals when in my experience, each individual brings the potential that I will experience conflict with them – and therefore, any time where I do find myself in a group where there is a relative tolerance towards each other and a general mutual agreement to have fun and a good time together – I elevate it into something magical and miraculous within and as myself – accessing positive feelings of wonder, exhilaration, connectedness, euphoria, excitement, hope and love.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Day 136: Who Am I in a Group? Dancing with a Ghost

In my previous blog I shared my experience in joining a dance company and specifically my experience of myself within the group that I really enjoyed. Nothing would seem to change that, until a week before the premier of our new production. It was a Saturday morning. One of the girls said she wouldn't be able to come because she had planned a weekend to the beach with her boyfriend, they had left straight after rehearsal the night before, all excited. So there we were in the studio and our choreographer told us she had received a phone call from the girl's parents. On the way to the beach, the girl and her boyfriend had gotten in a car crash. The boyfriend was okay, but the girl had been sleeping on the backseats without her sea tbelt and was flung through the windscreen. She didn't survive the crash. No need to say we were soon all in tears after hearing the news - more so because she was only 17, the second youngest dancer in the group.

From being a happy worriless bunch, we started trying to keep it together and pull each other up. We revised the production in a week's time so it could be performed with one less dancer, as well as adding in a whole section in tribute of her. There was one particular moment in the performance where she would normally be standing right behind me - the lyrics going 'Will you dance with me?'. Although I wouldn't be able to see her - I would always feel her presence. And after she died, whenever we got to this particular section, I would feel her absence. Somehow we managed to pull off the premier without problems - until the moment of bowing and everyone applauding - we all burst into tears on stage.

We danced at her funeral at the request of her parents - that time we were already in tears before we started.

Although we all tried to support each other the best we knew how and everyone tried to mourn her loss in their own way, trying to move forward as a group and somehow managing to - her death to me was like a 'stain' on what we had as a group - and without consciously intending to, I became more reserved. I also didn't like how the girl was glorified after she died - there had been some tensions between her and the choreographer as the reason she had joined the company was in relation to a school project where she would merge hip hop with contemporary dance and perform it with the company as her 'final work' for school. She would be choreographing it together with our choreographer and in that process they didn't always see eye to eye - but that was not discussed. She was an angel now.

To be continued.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Day 135: Who am I in a Group? Dance Company Pt2

In a previous post I shared how I danced an amateur dance company after quitting my professional dance training and where - we first got to know and trust each other physically.

So - it is an interesting way of getting to know people - you kind of skip the small-talk and start with physical comfortability. Looking back, there's many I still didn't know much about - in terms of their past, their lives. We would just share moments with each other - the time we spent together rehearsing and performing. But even if we didn't necesarily know much about each other's lives, we would know each other's bodies, from the perspective of what they physically feel like, how they move, where their physical weaknesses and strenghts lie and we would know each other in how we interacted in a moment, sometimes sharing some points that were gonig on in our lives, but there generally wasn't much 'time' to really go into that.

What was also distinct about getting to know people as I did when joining the dance company, is that it wasn't not based upon clothing style for instance. We would only see each other in our 'proper clothes' for a few seconds as we came in to the changing room, but then changed into our dancing clothes - which were just loose pants and comfortable shirts. So - everyone basically looked the same or similar. Another distinction was that in my life, when being in a group, it had mostly been age-dependent - in schools, on camps, music classes, dance classes - you were divided into groups of people of your own age. But in this dance company - our ages ranged from the youngest being about 15 and the oldest in their 30s.

To keep it short - we were tight, lol. No one had issues with anyone - some were closer or 'hit it off better' with certain people than with others. Herein it was fascinating that, initially, I got to know those people with whom I was most in sync while dancing, the youngest guy in the company and a young lady. In the first piece that I was a part of in the company, I by chance also had to work closely with the two of them - the comfortability in movement seemed to allow us to be comfortable in general interaction - even though - if I had met them on the street, I might no thave given them a second glance. Those whose dancing style was different to mine - in terms of timing or intensity or speed, or whatever - took me longer to have conversations with. The choreographer, thankfully, meant to give us the best opportunities to expand, so she would for instance place me in a duet with a girl whose natural dancing style was opposite to mine - it took me longer to become comfortable with her - but as we practiced our duet and each started learning from each other, together creating something new - the communication and interaction also started flowing more.

So - this is the process that I walked with each of the dancers - where eventually, I was comfortable with each one - our interaction was easy, flowing. Everyone came to dance in terms of what they enjoy doing - so we didn't bring our personal worries or troubles into the group - we were there to have a good time. Many nights, I would dread getting out of the couch and out to the train station to a rehearsal, for some reason thinking it might not be fun that night - but every time I did go - and every time I was so glad that I did, because it was just so AWESOME, lol - where I couldn't remember why I doubted that it would be anything different. I suppose I had gotten used to the fun being drained out of things after a while - and that was something that didn't happen in the dance company - at least not until something drastic happened.

To be continued...

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Day 135: The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle

I hereby commit myself to live the following Principles:

  1. Realising and living my utmost potential
  2. Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all
  3. Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa
  4. Self Purification through Writing and Self Forgiveness – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others
  5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others
  6. Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment, in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well
  7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others
  8. With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own
  9. Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me
  10. Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what is means to LIVE
  11. No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone
  12. Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today
  13. Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves
  14. Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one
  15. Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.
  16. Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come
  17. I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth
  18. I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.
  19. Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath
  20. Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me
  21. We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are within and without
  22. The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all
  23. The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1

After high school I pursued an education to become a professional dancer. Dancing was my passion - what I loved to do and what I wanted to do forever. I quit towards the end of the first year, because within this training, within this school - I felt I no longer enjoyed dancing the way I used to. The training was intense of course and the school was competitive. Dancing for me had always been something I did in my free time, for me - where I 'got away from it all'.

In movies they romanticize what it means to get in to a professional dancing school, and so had I. The physical reality was different from what I had expected. The group I started in seemed to share the same expectations - we were all excited initially, but it didn't take long before we were all continuously exhausted and struggling emotionally to make it through the week. The weekend, when I wasn't dancing, was now the time we would get 'away from it all'.

After I quit the school, I joined an amateur dance company. I had seen them perform while I was still in the professional dance school and remember being impressed by the choreography, their level of technique/ability and the passion of the dancers.

There were several new dancers in the company when I joined. The group was obviously 'tight' with each other and so the newbies would mostly hang with each other - but this didn't last for long. Within the choreographies, there was a lot of partnerwork - where two or more dancers have to work in absolute harmony in order to pull of a particular part/section of the choreography - and for no one to fall or get hurt. Your timing, your positioning, your intensity, your speed has to be absolutely specific - and you have to trust the other to do the same. And if for some reason you get out of sync, you have to adjust yourself in a moment - and trust that the other would do the same. Trust on this level is quite interesting - because it is a decision that has to be made - where you allow yourself to place trust in another - to catch you, to hold you or to release you.

To be continued