Monday, April 7, 2014

Day 131: Who Am I in a Group?

Recently an interesting point opened up for me in relation to: who I am in a group. Within walking process, as a Destonian, we become part of a community, a group of individuals based on the principles we commit ourselves to live by - a group of individuals that walk and apply these principles individually, yet together. The group is a continuous point of stability, support and cross-reference for each one that is part of the group - yet the group cannot exist unless the individuals within it continue to participate within the principles of the group. Within being part of this group, I've had experiences of anxiety come up in relation to the group suddenly being 'gone' or disintegrating. In speaking to my partner, I realized that these anxieties were memory-based - fuelled by memories of previous experiences of being part of a group. So, I'll write about the most prominent memories that define my expectations and fears in relation to being part of a group and walk the Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective application process on each one, so that who I am in a group is no longer defined by memories and so that I don't create unnecessary expectations, anxieties and fears that would influence my experience and participation in the group.

Memory 1: Best Summercamp Ever

From when I was about 6 years old, my mother sent me on summer camps. I say 'sent me' because it was her initiative and I would sometimes feel that she forced me to go so I would learn to eat more than just rice, sausage and eggs, but I remember that when she suggested it to me initially, that I was actually quite excited to do this. It would always be right before the trip that I would experience a sudden resistance to go and then I would plead my mother to please just keep me home, and not make me go - but then she'd say that there was no choice because she had already paid for it, I had told her I wanted to go and so now I had to go. Anyhow - with these camps I would always be so shy initially - just one girl among a bunch of strangers, strange kids and strange adults. I would generally get annoyed with the adults who would act exceedingly excited about going on this trip - acting happy and nutty when most of us, the kids, were just uncomfortable and scared. I knew they were trying to 'lift our spirits' and destract us from leaving our parents, but I would always think it made it worse.

First, on the bus - each time it was hoping that I would end up sitting next to someone 'nice' - so that I had someone to talk to and immediately could make friends - that way, by the time we'd arrive to the camp site I was already not alone anymore. I would hate it when they would ask if there is someone we wanted to make sure to share our room with, and everyone had friends they wanted to bunk up with except for me and some other 'alone' kids - so, I made it a point to make sure I would already have someone I could say I wanted to share a room with by the time we arrived at the camp site. For the first few days, I would then spend time mostly with that one person. It didn't actually matter if we really got along or if we would really become friends - it was just to have someone by my side. Often, as days passed, I would part from that person more and more and start spending time with people I found I could be friends with.

These camps then generally followed the same pattern in terms of 'group dynamics' - initially we were all just individual children or little groups of children being in one place, doing things 'together'. But this 'togetherness' was more each one agreeing to 'play along' as though we were a group - without actually being one. As time progressed and we would all get to know each other better and start having fun - this 'group-feeling' would start growing - like, suddenly it is no longer just individuals - there are the individuals and then there is the group. By the time the camp was reaching its end this 'group-feeling' would reach its peak - where we all felt that we were part of something, together had been through something. The bond between the individuals and the group would be different/stronger it seemed than those I had with my friends from school - because with school-friends, I would see them in school, then go home and then only the next day see them again. On the camps, you lived with the other kids and adults for over a week - waking up together, having breakfast together, doing all kinds of activities together, having lunch and dinner together, showering at the same times, brushing your teeth together, going to sleep together. All the moments that you usually go through in a private way - that your school friends are not part of - I would share with these kids on camp. So - in a way I would feel a lot more 'at home' after about a week, among a group of children and adults that I barely knew, then among my school-friends.

Then right at the peak - the 'height' of this group-experience, the camp would be over. We would all exchange addresses and promise to write letters to make sure we keep in touch. Then it was on the bus and back to the parents. Fascinatingly - no matter how much the kids had expressed that they wished the camp would never end, because it's so much fun and the group is awesome and we should stay friends forever - by the time we were in the parking lot where the parents were waiting to pick up their kids - the kids would say to the adults: "okay bye, thanks so much" - the kids turn their backs and run off to their parents and go home.

I would always be 'heartbroken' after a cool camp and generally would be sick for a few weeks afterwards in having to suddenly adjust to normal life - where everyone that had made part of what I had come to call 'home', was suddenly gone. I would want to tell everyone about all the things I did and what happened, but most would only listen with half an ear and it seemed like I never could really bring across what it had been like - what I had experienced - what I had lost. And that made me feel extremely lonely. Initially I always tried to keep in touch with the kids I had become closest to on the camps in a desperate attempt to hold on that feeling of belonging, of togetherness from camp, so I would write them letters, but then I either wouldn't hear back from them, or when I did, they would talk about all the things they are doing in their life now, which I was not a part of and it just made me feel even more disconnected from them.

So all of this was 'generally' the case - lol.

Now there was the one camp - and this is the actual memory I meant to write about - it was a camp in Bruges (Belgium) where we all took our bicycles and every day would go cycling to different places and then play games in cities. That to me was the best summercamp ever. I think I was about 13 at that time. I remember in the beginning looking at the adults that were joining us - there were 4 - and based on what they looked like - already deciding that I hoped to be with two specific adults in the group. It would usually be 2 adults for a group of about 10 to 20 children. The decision was based purely on their looks - they were a guy and a girl that looked 'pretty' - they conformed to the picture of what 'cool people' apparently looked like. The other two adults were women, clearly older and they were also quite heavy - so it seemed that the most dynamic duo would be the young girl and boy. When I arrived at the campsite and we were devided in to the groups - I ended up in the group with the two women. So - I was immediately quite disappointed and thought this would be the worst camp ever, lol. But oh my, was I mistaken - those two women were amazing with us and after a few days it was clear that I was lucky being in their group. They would act nutty and funny, but would also be directive and stern when needed, yet fair. I found that often with the very fun leaders, they would not be very directive and would also mostly interact with the confident kids, not worrying about the more shy ones leaving left out. These two women, though, were able to strike a perfect balance - attending to every child and pulling each one together in the group-feeling.

At some point during this camp I actually sprained one of my ankles quite badly. On a different camp, I would have probably used it as an excuse to not have to participate in some of the activities, but this time, I refused to have a cast put on. One of the two women responsible for my group was a nurse and when she looked at the ankle, she'd said that I'd need a cast. I'd had a cast before and I'd absolutely hated it, so I told her no - I didn't want it. She insisted a doctor should come out and when he came, he luckily had a solution - it was relatively new at the time, but he suggested a cast made from plastic with air cushions that I would be able to take off. It was quite expensive then, so they called my parents to find out if it would be okay if they bought it and sent them the bill. My parents agreed and I was so glad that I didn't have to skip on any of the cycling rides and, apart from running, was able to participate in everything quite well. Towards the end of the camp, the same women, the nurse - fell. It was during a 'party' where we all got to dress up and dance to music. She was dancing with someone, mis-stepped, fell to the floor and dislocated her hip. She immediately forced the hip back into the joint and was then taken to the hospital. The pain had been quite intense, so she had been lying on the floor screaming and crying. Most of us kids were in shock to see her in that pain and the party ended in tears after she was taken to the hospital. When she came back, it was her wearing the cast and walking on crutches.

When the camp was at its end and the bus took us to the drop-off point - one of the organizers of the, well, organization, that, well, organizes these trips - lol - was present at the scene and this person had not been with on the camp, but just assisted in that moment. The person was flabbergasted, because instaed of the usual site - the kids running off to their parents and slopily waving goodby to the camp-leaders, all the kids kept standing by the bus and didn't want to leave - half of the kids were crying that the camp was over and kept clinging to the camp leaders, not wanting to go home with their parents. The person asked the camp-leaders 'what the hell did you guys do with these kids on this camp??' Lol.

And still now I find it hard to explain what made this camp so different from other camps. Maybe it was how each one in the group really pushed to be part of the group and 'show themselves' so to speak. Maybe it was the tactfulness of the camp-leaders in how they structured the activities to always be a success and always fun. Maybe it was the fact that this was the first camp where everyone in the group would actually get along with each other, despite how 'different' we initially seemed. I cannot put my finger on it.

After this camp, we had a 'reunion' a few months later - and barring only 1 or 2 people, everyone had shown up - and despite what I had expected - during that reunion day we felt as much as a group as we had on camp and having as much fun together. I had expected that I would be disappointed, that the group feeling would be gone and that this reunion day would only be a bitter aftertaste of a delicious treat. But no - it seemed like an extension of it.


In the next posts, I will first continue laying out the other memories after which I'll walk them through with SF and Self-Corrective statements. Stay tuned...

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Day 130: How I Passed my Driving Test - Standing in the Face of Murphy's Law

Tuesday I had my driver's license test. This was my third attempt. With the previous two attempts I didn't get passed the yard-section of the test where you have to do your parking and stuff. Before the day of my test I had scheduled a lesson, but the times got mixed up - where I had written down a lesson in the morning, and they had written me down for the afternoon - causing me to miss that lesson. I didn't see it as a big deal, because by then I had practiced a lot and felt confident I could pass the test. The next day, I had a short lesson right before my test. I got into the car, looked around and noticed: this was a different car! The one I had been doing all my lessons in was an older model and apparently had broken down the day before. My instructor told me not to worry, that it was exactly the same, just a newer model. So, I'm like - okay, let's do this then. As soon as I started driving, though, I noticed how this car was nothing like the old car. Clutch control was higher and the break and accelerator were way more sensitive. So - here I started getting anxious - because in half an hour I was to have my test in a car I had never driven before.

We drove to the yard in town so I could go over the yard exercises before the test. As we arrived there, the gates were closed. It had a sign on it saying that only a maximum of 8 cars were allowed in the yard at a time and there were already 10 cars in there. My instructor got upset because it had been arranged that I would be allowed in as I had my test right after. So - she got the managers to open the gate. Now we were all these learner drivers together in one yard, so cars were getting in each other's way, cars were stalling, I wasn't managing to drive this new car smoothly and right about now I started freaking out a bit and getting upset. The anger was more of a build up from the anxiety and in seeing that: NOOOO! This is not how my last lesson is supposed to be! Why is it happening like this, that is not what I had in mind! How am I supposed to pass my test if I'm having to deal with this shit now!

See - in my mind I had created an expectation of how everything would play out - where I had expected to be driving the regular car that I had gotten to know very well, where there would only be a few other cars in the yard like I was used to, where I could calmly go through the exercises just as a last check to ensure I remembered everything and then off to the testing grounds and do the test. Within this projected future - I was confident that I would pass my test. But now - with reality not matching my expectations at all and Murphy's law in full force - I got angry thinking that this is not fair and I wanted to give up right there.

Within my mind - I saw I was starting to put all my justifications in place so that - when I get home and tell people that I failed my test a third time, I could 'explain' that it 'wasn't my fault, because look at all the things that went against me'. In that moment - I was able to breahte and step back to see what I was doing and saw how none of this was valid - because I am responsible no matter what - I cannot justify or point fingers in blame - what I do I create, I accept and allow, regardless of unforeseen events. So - I asked myself who I wanted to be within this situation: I could either give up before having tried and have my nice set of justifications for why it was apparently inevitable that I would fail - or: I could pass my test despite the odds. And I realized - the latter - that's who I want to be.

Then I looked at what was required for me to do that and I saw that the problem was my experience within this situation - realizing that: if I do not stop my emotional experience, then I may very well fail, because I am not here and attempting to pull of a challenging physical task effectively, such as driving a car in a specific way while I am reactive, is unlikely - because I am not in my body, I am in my mind and from within my mind I am not able to effectively direct myself in and as the physical.

So - I looked at my emotional experience and the anger-point stood out because I had been investigating the Anger Character in the days before. I realized then why the anger was there. As I had explained above, it came from a point of self-victimization as thinking that 'this is unfair' because reality was not matching with my expectation - so the anger was like throwing a little tantrum, because I felt I had done nothing to deserve all these unforeseen points. This very specific pattern of the Anger Character I had been investigating and I had scripted for myself the solution that I had seen as: it is cool to plan events beforehand, as a general guideline - yet, one cannot expect that reality will actually match up - we cannot predict the future, so to think that we are able to imagine how something will play out and to expect that it will actually pan out like that - is quite delusional - lol. So - herein I saw that yes, planning is practical, but we require to always remain flexible in being able to adjust and adapt ourselves and our plans in moments of unforeseen circumstances or points we had not considered or taken into account beforehand. And this was exactly the situation I found myself in and immediately - I had my solution here: Be Flexible and Adapt!

Awesome - I had direction. So, instead of continuing to participating in the pity-party, I breathed myself back into my body and focused on the main point that was concerning me, which was the different car. So, I payed specific attention to where the clutch control is, how the break responds to pressure, how the accelerator responds to pressure, when exactly to change the gears - and there, I started to see how to adjust my driving and the car was now running smoothly and I was present, here.

So - here is an example of how we can change ourselves in one moment when we have already walked a process of self-investigation, self-forgiveness and self-correction beforehand. Because - understand - here I write it out on paper and so it seems like it 'took a long time' to see the points and find a solution - but that is not how it played out. What took time was the participation in emotional reactions to a point where I became angry and wanted to give up - but it only took one breath to step back - see what I was doing, see the solution - breathe out - and implement the correction. This is what is meant in the Desteni I Process courses and Desteni material with 'corrective application' - the change does not happen in writing, forgiveness and scripting corrections - those points are all preparation so that - when we are faced with a pattern of self-dishonesty in a moment - we are able to let go and correct ourselves in one breath - and in changing ourselves, change the outcome of the situation we find ourselves in.

Oh - and yes, I passed my test ;).

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Day 129: Desperate to Conceive? How Collective Memory Influences us Today

In the series ‘The Tudors’, the story of King Henry VIII of England is told. It shows how the King went through great lengths to declare his marriage to his first wife null and void, as ‘she had failed’ to give him a son. Where I am now in the story, he has just declared his marriage with Anne Boleyn, his second wife, null and void, for the same reason.

My partner and I had decided to have a child. Within this we had agreed to simply not try to stop it from happening, but otherwise not actively try to get the right timing, etc. As time passed, I noticed that I experienced a sense of urgency in relation to conceiving and getting pregnant, where with each following menstruation period, this urgency became more noticeable, and started being accompanied with an experience of desperation as the questionwhat if it doesn’t happen?’ I wrote several dimensions of this point as how I could relate to having created it. But it was only when watching the Tudors that I started seeing how within me I carry beliefs and ideas about what it means to be a woman that go back for centuries and form part of every woman’s collective memory. As I was watching the scenes in which Anne Boleyn miscarriages and becomes more and more desperate to conceive a son as she sees King Henry pull away from her – I became quite absorbed, like I was experiencing what she was experiencing and that this story was about me.

The series depicts how women in that time had no value unless married and had no purpose in life but to produce a child, or in case of royalty: a son, to their husband. Before marriage, they required to maintain and preserve their virginity and be an example of piety and grace, for who would want to marry a spoiled or sinful woman?

In seeing to what extent I became absorbed in the story – I started seeing how the same patterns still exist in women – and in myself – today. Where a fear exists that if a woman cannot/isn’t getting pregnant: she may lose her husband/partner and her status in society. And with this fear a depression and form of panic kicks in – because: who am I as a woman if I cannot conceive a child? Where it can feel as though one’s entire existence is threatened of being invalidated and one’s worth reduced to zero.

So – I wanted to share this perspective, since other women may go through similar experiences when conception doesn’t occur right away – where first a worry sets in and where, as time goes by, the fear slowly grows – until the urgency to conceive is felt more and more intensely.

When looking at the question ‘What if it doesn’t happen?’ to see what fears were involved, I expected to see primarily the fear of not having a child and not having this experience – but, in fact the fears that were most prominent were: What if my partner leaves me? – and: What will people think of me/how will my social status be affected? Those two questions/fears reflect what child-bearing meant for women centuries ago. In my case, for instance, my partner and I made a clear agreement that if there are children – cool, but if there are no children – also cool – and that this point does not affect our relationship and commitment to each other. In terms of fears in relation to social status – we no longer live in a day and age where a women’s sole purpose and he worth is defined in relation to having and nursing children.

So – when seeing these points, I walked a process of Self-Forgiveness to clear myself of these redundant fears that we have been carrying with us and have been passing on from generation to generation – where, these fears have no correlation to our actual lives/reality – but still affect us within creating emotional experiences that affect our behavior and experience of ourselves. Such fears very easily translate for instance into becoming obsessive about conceiving and tracking every single possible sign of pregnancy. Herein it is quite interesting to read online forums for instance where women discuss ‘early pregnancy symptoms’ – and consult each other to find out whether they could be pregnant – when everyone knows that in general one misses one’s period and then takes a pregnancy test – that is how to find out if one is pregnant. Any ‘symptom’ before this could be an indication of pregnancy or an indication that one’s period is coming up – they are the same. And yet, despite knowing and understanding this – there is still a frantic tracking of every single ‘sign’ or ‘symptom’ and to interpret it as a possible pregnancy, creating hopes and expectations that – when the periods come – result in disappointment and depression.

So – to all the women out there that are trying to conceive and have started to notice such experiences of anxiety, urgency and desperation in relation to conceiving, or such behavioral changes in becoming obsessive about finding out/predicting if one is pregnant – I would suggest to take a moment to write about the fears that you can identify by asking yourself the question: ‘What if it doesn’t happen – what if I don’t get pregnant?’ so that one can see what is driving these experiences and behavioral changes within oneself. Once you have identified the fears, you can walk a process of Self-Forgiveness to remove them. If you are not familiar with Self-Forgiveness, I suggest signing up for the Free DIP Lite course that will guide you in a step-by-step way to develop this skill and how to apply it in one’s life. From there – once the fears have been removed, I suggest speaking to one’s partner and making clear agreements so that you know where you stand. Herein – you can discuss what you agree to do in case there is a problem with fertility, or if it turns out one cannot have children. Not that this will be the case, but so that one knows what plans are in place in case such scenarios do occur. Because – it is often the ‘not knowing’ that creates a fear of it playing out. So – directing such points beforehand in having clear agreements with one’s partner enables one to approach the process of having a child in a practical and stable manner without the unnecessary emotional turmoil. If you have any questions about this process – please leave a comment!

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Day 128: My Experience with Baby Cesar - The Beginning

Leila had been pregnant for almost 9 months before Cesar was born, but my mind had not been able to 'conceptualize' what was happening or what was about to happen, that a baby would join us on the farm. Whenever I had attempted to imagine what it would be like to have Cesar on the farm before he was born, my mind would just go blank. We could read up on babies, what babies do and what they go through - but it doesn't really prepare you for the actuality of a baby being here with you. So, when Cesar was born and I met him, he was sleeping. And that's all it was - he was here now - and that's that.

Back home I was a bit reluctant to for instance hold Cesar, so I was quite reserved and rather observed what Leila and Gian did. The fear existed of having this innocent, physical child and somehow influencing him, by somehow not being clear in one's starting point or having some program or system running that one is not aware of and that Cesar would pick up on, on a resonant/physical or energetic level. At the same time there was an uncomfortability due to 'not knowing' how to hold a baby - where initially one does everything in slow-motion to be extra aware of where each hand is and where he is supported and where not - and with every grunt/sound/face Cesar made, exchanging glances with Leila/Gian so as to ask 'is this okay? am I doing something wrong that he is reacting to?' - lol. Sunette assisted a lot with giving suggestions on how to be around Cesar - to ensure that one is in one's own physical body - breathing - physically anchored - and to speak with low voices - not soft, but low, grounded. The second time I held Cesar, he was sleeping and I was sitting in Leila's rocking chair. While holding him I focused on my breath - clearing any tensions until I was present as myself in every part of my body. At that moment, it was as though Cesar and my body 'melted together' - there was no more separation - we were both here in the physical, equal and one.

I'll continue sharing more of my experiences with Cesar in this blog in the time to come - enjoy!

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Day 127: My Child is Different - What do I do?

This blog-post is part of a series - for full perspective, please also read:

Day 124: Parenthood 1 - There Is Something Wrong with my Baby - Part 1
Day 125: Parenthood Ep.1 - There Is Something Wrong with my Baby - Part 2
Day 126: Parenthood Ep.1 - My Life to Hell

When and as I see myself participating in the idea/judgment/thought/belief that there is something wrong with my child because he/she is in some way different - I stop, I breathe - I realize that normality only exists as a perception and categorization in the mind and that in essence, each one is the same, yet with different aspects of themselves more/more specifically developed/prominent and other aspects less/less specifically developed/prominent - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the judgment and see my child for who he/she is and see how I am able to best support my child.

When and as I see myself participating in the idea/judgment/thought/belief that there must be something wrong with me for having a child that is 'abnormal' and feeling guilty about my child apparenty being different from the norm - I stop, I breathe - I realize that the child will reflect to myself who I am as a mirror of manifested consequence of what I as well as the entirety of humanity has accepted and allowed - and thus, as it is here - I commit myself to take responsibility for the child as myself, not within guilt or pity - but in equality and oneness as how I would like to be supported if I were the child.

When and as I see myself participating in fear that my child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life where I participate in pity and guilt towards the child - I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am projecting unto the child my own fear of being in such a situation where if I were in some way different from the 'norm', I would see this as a 'condition' and a constant to which I must submit and to which I must submit my entire existence, of which I am now apparently the victim, and where I would believe my survival is threatened due to not conforming to the norm - and thus, I realize that in whichever way the child is different is not something that just came falling out of the sky or 'happened to the child' as per a stroke of bad luck, but was created through participation in certain patterns over time of which the child is the manifested consequence - and thus, that there is no such thing as being a victim - only a showing of what has been accepted and allowed and thus - I commit myself to firstly correct within myself the patterns that created the 'abnormality' within my child and to then show the child how he/she is able to assist and support himself/herself to stand up from within it - empowering the child instead of limiting it by defining the child and viewing it as 'the condition'.

When and as I see myself participating in future projections of how the child's life will be like due to how the child is different from the norm - I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am participating in worst-case-scenario doomsday projections based in fear - and thus, I commit myself to stop and let go within the understanding/insight/realization that I cannot predict the future, as one can only predict the future according to patterns, and thus, it is to change the pattern to create the best possible outcome.

When and as I see myself participating in pity and sadness and an experience of 'loss' within imagining/thinking that the child's life will not be what I would've wanted it to be - I stop, I breathe - I realize that the very fact that I had an idea of what I want the child's life to be indicates that I have personal issues of fears and desires that I am projecting and superimposing unto the child and that I am attempting to 'fix my issues' through my child living their life differently/having a different life experience - and thus, I commit myself to let go of any ideas, fears and desires I have in relation to what the child's life will be, but instead assist and support my child to develop into a self-responsible and self-directive being so that he/she can decide for himself/herself how to give shape to his/her own life.

When and as I see myself participating in disappointment because the child does not conform to the idea I had of who the child would be as a perfect, cute child, part of my perfect happy family - I stop, I breathe - I realize that such disappointment indicates there was an expectation towards the child fulfilling me and thus that there was self-interest within my starting-point for having a child - where it was not to unconditionally support the child for his/her sake - but to have the child become a tool in a plan for self-fulfillment and self-gratification to live out my own dreams and desires - and thus, I commit myself to correct my starting point and my relation with my child - to let go of my own self-interest within it and re-align my starting point towards what is best for all involved.

When and as I see myself participating in fear of how my life will change and how much I/my family will have to sacrifice on an emotional level when hearing that my child is in some way 'different' - I stop, I breathe - I realize that in that moment, I am immediately stating that I am emotionally unstable and that I don't have what it takes to face a challenge and take it through towards the best possible outcome, immediately giving up before I have even started, in essence trying to flee from failure - and thus, I commit myself to let go of any preconceived ideas, to take it moment by moment and direct points as they come up, both within and as the family as within and as myself - to not accept and allow myself to accumulate emotional reactions through suppression until it bursts out into a breakdown - and thus, committing myself to, even if much requires practical direction around me, to make the time to also take care of myself and not allow myself to 'keep things in' without facing and working through them - so that the challenge is not a personal sacrifice, but an actual learning and strengthening process.

When and as I see myself participating in future projections and pictures about how expensive it will be to give extra care to one child and how other family members including myself may have to pass on things we would've wanted to do, just so the extra-care needing child can receive this extra care - I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am accelerating in my mind and making assumptions about the costs that are involved - and thus, I commit myself to first do the research, to after comprehensive research and having clarity on all the available options, make practical decisions that will best support the family and all members in it.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Day 126: Parenthood Ep.1 - My Life to Hell

I am here starting to walk a series as I go through the episodes of Parenthood wherein I'll work my way through various aspects of parenthood where throughout generations parents have tended to behave in similar ways in certain situations - and so, taking the opportunity to release pre-conceived ideas and copied-over behaviors about parenting/parenthood and considering what would be a best-for-all approach in such a situation. So - note that these are not situations that I am faced with in my life currently, but am taking responsibility for within seeing that: it could've been me. Herein - I invite everyone to share your own perspectives in the comment section - other points you may have observed or other possible solutions!

In the first Episode of Season one of the series Parenthood, Krstina and Adam get to hear that their son, Max, might have Asperger syndrome - both use the words 'there is something wrong with my baby/son' to describe the situation. This is one of the big fears parents have - that their child will be different, that it will be abnormal, that it will be disadvantaged, that it will be dysfunctional - and where this is then labeled as 'wrong'. There are a few aspects to this point.

1. Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing guilt about it.
2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.
3. Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.
4. Fear of how the parents' lives will change and how much they will have to sacrifice for the child - emotionally, financially and practically.


In the Previous Blog-posts I worked through points 1 to 3, here opening up number 4 with Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my son/daughter is in some way different, immediately start worrying and becoming afraid about how my life will change and how much i will have to sacrifice to meet the needs of my child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different, immediately assume that my life will be an emotional roller-coaster and I an emotional wreck for the remainder of my life - immediately accepting the belief and idea that my life will be miserable and that I will be miserable - where I then immediately go through an experience of 'loss' - because of the perception of losing the future that I had expected to receive, one where the child would have fulfilled me, made me a happier person, more at peace within myself in the idea that I would finally be fulfilling my purpose.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - in that moment of reaction - immediately create my life to be one of emotional turmoil, where I immediately accept and allow the belief that I am not stable and that I cannot be stable - that I don't have what it takes to face a challenge and see it through towards the best possible outcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different, immediately give up before having started, deciding that I will fail at the task ahead and that I will be beating myself up for it for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different and requires extra care - immediately invoke a picture in my mind of a stack of bills to be paid and a red number on my bank account and letters from the bank reminding me to pay off my debt, as a projection of how I think the future will look like, where I experience a loss of security and financial stability - thinking/believing/presuming that I 'know' the future - when in fact, I have not even begun to investigate what kind of care is involved, what the options are and what can practically be done to ensure a stable financial future - instead, simply going into a 'doomsday state of mind' and believing that this is the only possible outcome, victimizing myself entirely towards the situation and not taking any responsibility for who I am in that moment, towards myself or towards my child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic upon finding out that my child requires some form of extra care with added expenses, wherein I immediately project my family finding itself in financial jeopardy - imagining both myself and my husband and any other child I may have, struggling to get by and having to pass up on opportunities that are no longer affordable - and wherein I immediately blame the 'extra-care-needing child' for this situation, even though such scenario hasn't even manifested or is in no way a certain outcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different and requires extra care - immediately project in my mind how the child will be a burden in my life and how I will have to give up all the things that I enjoy 'just for me', wherein any hobbies or activities or simply 'me-time' will no longer be possible and where i will have to compromise all my other relationships with other beings just to be able to take care of the extra-care-needing child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different and requires extra care - to immediately feel bitter towards my child, myself and my life - because I feel that all that I had worked for my entire life to ensure my preferred outcome, is all being flushed down the toilet in that singular moment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within that singular moment of reaction, I would be founding my entire relationship with the child on an experience of blame, bitterness and resentment towards it - where, in every interaction with the child, directly or indirectly, the blame, bitterness and resentment will in some way resonate and the child will be aware of it - immediately affecting and influencing how the child perceives him/herself and from there, compromising its life experience entirely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become selfish in how I will look at the situation in terms of what I will have to give up - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that it is about what I am able to give as I would like to be given if I were the child.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Day 125: Parenthood Ep.1 - There Is Something Wrong with my Baby - Part 2

I am here starting to walk a series as I go through the episodes of Parenthood wherein I'll work my way through various aspects of parenthood where throughout generations parents have tended to behave in similar ways in certain situations - and so, taking the opportunity to release pre-conceived ideas and copied-over behaviors about parenting/parenthood and considering what would be a best-for-all approach in such a situation. So - note that these are not situations that I am faced with in my life currently, but am taking responsibility for within seeing that: it could've been me. Herein - I invite everyone to share your own perspectives in the comment section - other points you may have observed or other possible solutions!

In the first Episode of Season one of the series Parenthood, Krstina and Adam get to hear that their son, Max, might have Asperger syndrome - both use the words 'there is something wrong with my baby/son' to describe the situation. This is one of the big fears parents have - that their child will be different, that it will be abnormal, that it will be disadvantaged, that it will be dysfunctional - and where this is then labeled as 'wrong'. There are a few aspects to this point.

1. Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing guilt about it.
2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.
3. Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.
4. Fear of how the parents' lives will change and how much they will have to sacrifice for the child - emotionally, financially and practically.


In the previous blog-post I opened up points 1 and 2 in Self-Forgiveness. Here I continue with point 3:

3. Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed in seeing that my child is not/will not be what I had expected my child will be/become - and so, to also become angry within myself, because I had invested myself within having a family and having children with the prospect of having a particular outcome as a happy family, with lovely children who are successful and unique - and now it doesn't turn out to be like that and now it feels like it's not fair, because I want a reward for all my hard work and investments and sacrifices and now they don't 'pay off' in terms of giving me what I wanted to get as a result.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a family and to have children so that I can experience myself in a perfect happy family, because I feel that I never experienced that in my life because my family was never a perfect happy family as portrayed in movies or what I would see in a friend's house - and so i felt 'robbed' of that experience as something I was entitled to and now I want to manifest such an experience within my life by being a parent in such a family set-up in an attempt to make up for my experience as a child - not realizing that this is impossible, as the past has already happened and there is no way of undoing it and that it is instead a matter of letting go of ideas about injustice being done unto me and letting go of a state of self-victimization in relation to the family I grew up in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a feeling of injustice, of being wronged because I didn't 'get to' experience family-life as is portrayed in books and families, and so believed that there was something wrong with me and my life, that there was something missing because of this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that such perfect families actually exist, instead of seeing and realizing that harmonious families of support, consideration and respect cannot exist unless each member of the family supports, considers and respects themselves firstly - and so, that families as portrayed in movies/books are in no way an indication that such families actually exist and that the brief moments I would spend in other families are likewise not an indication of what the family is like, because so much happens under the surface that is hidden from sight that no-one actually knows what happens in the homes of others and on what level abuse takes place.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that that which I looked for as love, respect, support and consideration in a family, is actually what I required to learn to give myself - and so, that I in fact separated me from myself and me from my family members through defining love, respect, support and consideration as an expectation within them - as though they are supposed to provide me with it and give it to me - and so, that the lack I experienced had in fact nothing to do with my family set-up or family members but with myself and only with myself - and so, I allow myself to be grateful for the family I grew up in as it enabled me to see what I was not giving to myself and from there, could develop my relationship with myself to be self-loving, self-respecting, self-supporting and self-considering.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a feeling and state of self-victimization in relation to the family I grew up in, where I am in fact holding on to blame towards my family set-up/family members in how I experienced myself in my childhood and throughout the rest of my life, where I used my family as an excuse for all my 'weaknesses' - and so, in fact holding on to the past and a state of self-victimization because of not wanting to let go of the excuses as to why i was not supporting myself, why i was not pushing myself to correct my own mistakes, why I was not attempting to better myself, why i was allowing myself to repeat the same patterns over and over, etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my starting point for starting a family to be in the past - not realizing that when my starting point to create something is in the past, I am not in fact creating, but I am only ensuring that the past repeats - because if my starting point is in the past, then it means that I have unresolved issues towards my past - and therefore, i cannot create anything original/new until i have faced my past through walking it again - until who I am is no longer defined by my past, and so i can in fact create as here, equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - in noticing that my child is different from what I had expected my child to be/become - immediately blame the child for not fulfilling my desires of a perfect happy family - again utilizing blame as an excuse to place myself in an inferior position, where I am now again apparently the victim of another imposing difficult family situations unto me - instead of realizing that my child is a direct consequence of my acceptances and allowances, and therefore - is specific in relation to my process - and therefore, to immediately investigate how I have created my child as how my child is and to take responsibility for myself within this creational process - actually facing myself within my child, instead of blaming my child for an experience I am not getting.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that this process is not about getting to experience the perfect life - where we now apparently get a chance at everything we missed out on - but that it is in fact about facing ourselves in every gory detail - and therefore, any happy-go-lucky situation of bliss will indicate deception as it would merely be a hiding place to not take responsibility for oneself and for this world as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a picture of the perfect happy family with a father and a mother and two children and a dog and a soccer ball, all smiling in the picture - as though this picture is a promise to myself of something i will attain as a goal in my life if only I push through on the plan of starting a family - and that if I but suck up and get pregnancy and child-birth over with - then that will be the reward and I will live as a character in the picture and apparently my life will be perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define family within and as a picture of a smiling mother, father, twho children, dog and soccer ball, where the parents look relaxed and the chidlren look happy and worry-free.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define life as a picture of a family with mother and father smiling with relaxed and confident faces, and two beautiful, happy children with no worry in the world, and a dog and a soccer ball, posing together on the front lawn in front of their house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a character of a mother within a picture, where I am smiling and standing next to a husband as a father who Is also smiling and relaxed and confident and two children with happy faces, worry-free in front of the father and the mother and a dog and a soccer ball posing on a lawn in front of the house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize that reality has nothing to do with pictures and will never have anything to do with pictures, where when one defines something as how it is portrayed in a picture, one will always be disappointed by the reality of it - but when one truly expresses oneself within something and then sees a picture of it - one will see that the picture is a complete limitation and in no way captures the actual living expression of the beings participating within that event in time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have given credibility, value and worth to pictures by continuously selecting the pictures to which i would have a positive reaction to and mapping them out in a timeline for myself in my mind, where at a certain point in my life, I would each time have a pictures to 'look forward to' and try to fulfill - until I get at that point and the reality doesn't match the pictures - and happiness is not found - and then I would focus on the next picture on the timelines, working towards the next portrayal of happiness - repeating the same pattern over and over, regardless of the never-changing result: that reality is not a picture and one's experience in reality is not one's experience in relation to a picture, and therefore, that pictures have absolutely no use in terms of predicting the future or representing anything that is lived - and so, i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of unconditional trust towards pictures, where no matter what the reality-based feedback was, I would continue to maintain this relationship and try to find new pictures to live out.