Dag 112: Designing the Perfect Character to Live my Life For Me

Ever since the 'having a child point' opened up, I've been feeling like I am entering a new 'stage' or 'phase' in my life. Within that, I find that I'm wanting to 'design' this stage/phase in my life to be most effective. What came up in discussion with my partner is that the way in which I'm trying to 'design' the next stage/phase in my life is through using my past as a guide - where I'm in fact merely trying to design myself as the supreme character that would be able to handle the changes ahead best.

So, when my partner suggested that it is not to try to design the future/myself in the future - but to design the foundation within and as myself to be able to walk into each new moment in a way where I can trust myself to be able to direct myself/my life/my environment most effectively - I went *bzzt*, *blip*, *do not compute* - lol.

I've created such a habit throughout my life to, always, when there is change ahead - go into future projections to try to predict what could/might happen, and thus, who I must be/must be able to be to handle all the different possible futures. Within this - I would project my current character into a potential future and if I saw/found/felt that my current character would not be able to 'handle' this particular future - then I would look for particular individuals within my life/my past of which I think would be able to handle such a future - to then, try to identify what particular character of them it is that I find is suitable to handle the future - and therefore, try to integrate this character into mine - so that I can feel like I have an arsenal of weapons as characters available that I can activate/become when required to handle with a situation.

So - in essence - what I am working on is to design an arsenal of characters that can 'take over from me' in moments where I would feel inadequate to direct the situation. It is like, literally, giving over the reigns to a character, so that I don't actually have to take responsibility within such situation, but, instead, can take a step back and hide in my own fear of failure.

And the purpose/goal within this is to design a 'final character' of the 'Adult Maite' - lol - one that is flexible and consists of various different characters and aspects of characters so that in any situation - I can call upon the exact character/aspect of a character that I see would be best to handle/direct a particular situation.

So - lol - in essence I'm trying to design the ultimate 'AutoPilot' system so that I can just sit back and enjoy the ride - where I in essence don't have to do anything anymore - because everything would automatically be taken care of by the various characters that form part of my 'suppreme adult character'.

What I see within this in terms of bringing the point back to myself and looking at my relationship with myself - is that I feel/believe that I am limited in terms of the things that I can do/am able to handle/am able to direct - and that any challenge is a point where I freeze - where I hit what I perceive to be 'the boundary of my capabilities' and that to be able to take on the challenge - would require me to 'step out of myself'. And this experience - is what provides the justification of why a character should now step in to take on the challenge for me. It's like when watching scary movies as a child and I would sit on my father's lap - but when scary part comes - my dad had to cover my eyes. And the same with facing a challenge, I just hide in 'non-existence' - where I literally stand back within myself and allow a character to take over in the belief that I need something/someone else to face the challenge for me.

And what's fascinating to see is that this point is something I've been busy with/preparing for my entire life - every time expanding and specifying characters so that I can move/participate in this world in the apparently most effective way possible - at least - that's what it would look like from the outside - where on the surface, everything is peachy-perfect and all is under control - lol - without any consideration for what I would actually be experiencing within and as myself and for I would actually be accepting and allowing. Because what I accept and allow in myself finds expression in how this entire world operates. And - before everything was inverted - I could've gotten away with this. However, now - whatever I accept and allow manifests direct consequences in myself and my own life - and so, this entire plan comes crumbling down as being utterly ineffective - lol.

There is no way around self-responsibility - there is no way around self-expansion. Therefore, to walk self-responsibility and self-expansion most effectively, I require to redefine the word 'challenge' - so that when I encounter a challenge - it is not a sign for me to 'shut down' - but an indication that I have an opportunity here to break through self-imposed limitations and work towards expanding myself and perfecting myself - not expanding or perfecting a character - but ME - so that I can live my life - and so that I don't have my Life lived FOR me. If I don't live my own life - then by the time I die - I'll go 'No, but WAIT! I haven't even started living yet!' I really don't want to end up in that position...

To be continued.
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