Dag 112: Designing the Perfect Character to Live my Life For Me
So, when my partner suggested that it is not to try to design the future/myself in the future - but to design the foundation within and as myself to be able to walk into each new moment in a way where I can trust myself to be able to direct myself/my life/my environment most effectively - I went *bzzt*, *blip*, *do not compute* - lol.
I've created such a habit throughout my life to, always, when there is change ahead - go into future projections to try to predict what could/might happen, and thus, who I must be/must be able to be to handle all the different possible futures. Within this - I would project my current character into a potential future and if I saw/found/felt that my current character would not be able to 'handle' this particular future - then I would look for particular individuals within my life/my past of which I think would be able to handle such a future - to then, try to identify what particular character of them it is that I find is suitable to handle the future - and therefore, try to integrate this character into mine - so that I can feel like I have an arsenal of weapons as characters available that I can activate/become when required to handle with a situation.
So - in essence - what I am working on is to design an arsenal of characters that can 'take over from me' in moments where I would feel inadequate to direct the situation. It is like, literally, giving over the reigns to a character, so that I don't actually have to take responsibility within such situation, but, instead, can take a step back and hide in my own fear of failure.
And the purpose/goal within this is to design a 'final character' of the 'Adult Maite' - lol - one that is flexible and consists of various different characters and aspects of characters so that in any situation - I can call upon the exact character/aspect of a character that I see would be best to handle/direct a particular situation.
So - lol - in essence I'm trying to design the ultimate 'AutoPilot' system so that I can just sit back and enjoy the ride - where I in essence don't have to do anything anymore - because everything would automatically be taken care of by the various characters that form part of my 'suppreme adult character'.
What I see within this in terms of bringing the point back to myself and looking at my relationship with myself - is that I feel/believe that I am limited in terms of the things that I can do/am able to handle/am able to direct - and that any challenge is a point where I freeze - where I hit what I perceive to be 'the boundary of my capabilities' and that to be able to take on the challenge - would require me to 'step out of myself'. And this experience - is what provides the justification of why a character should now step in to take on the challenge for me. It's like when watching scary movies as a child and I would sit on my father's lap - but when scary part comes - my dad had to cover my eyes. And the same with facing a challenge, I just hide in 'non-existence' - where I literally stand back within myself and allow a character to take over in the belief that I need something/someone else to face the challenge for me.
And what's fascinating to see is that this point is something I've been busy with/preparing for my entire life - every time expanding and specifying characters so that I can move/participate in this world in the apparently most effective way possible - at least - that's what it would look like from the outside - where on the surface, everything is peachy-perfect and all is under control - lol - without any consideration for what I would actually be experiencing within and as myself and for I would actually be accepting and allowing. Because what I accept and allow in myself finds expression in how this entire world operates. And - before everything was inverted - I could've gotten away with this. However, now - whatever I accept and allow manifests direct consequences in myself and my own life - and so, this entire plan comes crumbling down as being utterly ineffective - lol.
There is no way around self-responsibility - there is no way around self-expansion. Therefore, to walk self-responsibility and self-expansion most effectively, I require to redefine the word 'challenge' - so that when I encounter a challenge - it is not a sign for me to 'shut down' - but an indication that I have an opportunity here to break through self-imposed limitations and work towards expanding myself and perfecting myself - not expanding or perfecting a character - but ME - so that I can live my life - and so that I don't have my Life lived FOR me. If I don't live my own life - then by the time I die - I'll go 'No, but WAIT! I haven't even started living yet!' I really don't want to end up in that position...
To be continued.
About the author
Maite Zamora Moreno
I started walking a process of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective action after watching videos on YouTube by Desteni in 2007. This was the first and only time that I found a self-help method to really be effective and I am standing by these principles to this day. I currently live and assist on the Desteni Farm. For more information on Desteni and this process, visit www.desteni.org.
COOL Maite thanks for sharing these insights!
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