Saturday, November 17, 2012

Day 70: Creating Ultimate G.I. Jane Character to Cheat Death

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when and as I am watching television, to project myself into the shoes of the characters featuring on the screen, in the TV-show or in the movie and experience myself as if I were actually part of the storyline and as though what was being displayed on the screen was actually happening to me personally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when and as I am watching something on television, detach myself from myself, my human physical body and my physical environment as it is here - and instead, entire a space within my mind where I lock myself into a character based on what I am being shown on the TV-screen - believing that I actually am that character, and believing that I am undergoing and experiencing what the characters on the TV-screen are showing and experiencing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to every time when I see someone being hurt or dying on TV - go into fear and panic because I see and realise that if I had been in the position and situation of the character in the movie/show - that I would have ended up in the same fate - then, within this fear, I frantically scan through the event to see where the character could have done something different, that would have changed the course of the event - and once I've identified it, mentally project myself within the same situation/position, yet acting differently at a particular point in time and imagining how I would defeat the opponent or hide/escape/shield myself from the harm - then repeating it over and over within my mind as an attempt to 'imprint' the program so that, when I find myself in that situation, I'll know exactly what to do and my automated resonse will be what I have 'studied in' as my 'survival plan'.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realise/understand that as I am entering fear as I react to some act of violence or harm that I see happening on the TV screen, in a movie or TV-show, that I am actually immediately entering into a survival-mode and that, within entering a survival frame of mind - I immediately relinquish my common sense and rely on survival-instincts to guide and direct me in order to 'make it out all right' - even though I am not actually physically experiencing that which I am witnessing by watching TV.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to embrace the fact that I will eventually die and that it is therefore useless to try and create an arsenal of survival plans as though I can infinitely cheat death - not realising that there is no point in trying to survive and whether I live or not will ultimately depend on who I am in the moment of the event - however it plays out/manifests.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that in continuously trying to devise an action plan to prevent traumatic/harmful/deadly things from happening to me - I am buying into the belief that I can possibly live forever in this current body.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that the desire to cheat death really just reflects my fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect death to fear, and thus - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust survival instincts and, thus, implicitly, my mind - to help me cheat death - instead of realising that the mind is the very reason we cannot live forever, because the mind keeps on feeding off of and torturing the physical flesh, causing it to decay, deteriorate and eventually perish.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realise/understand that the attempt at creating a mental 'databse' as an arsenal of collected self-created survival plans - I am not really intending of putting any of it into practice, but it is merely so that I can have a sense of control, where previously I experienced that I wouldn't have any control in such a situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having no control while things in my environment are moving in a way that can end up hurting or killing me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the sense of having no control.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I am never really in control of my environment of how things play out - I can only direct myself and others to the best of my ability - but there is never a guarantee - and without guarantee - there is no control.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I was never really after real control - but only ever after the experience/perception/sensation of being in control - and thus, the only real goal was to attempt to effectively delude and brainwas myself into believing that I actually am/would be/was in control - as a ways of suppressing and not having to deal with fear of being hurt, fear of dying, fear of being vulnerable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to suppress and not deal with fears of being hurt, dying and being vulnerable as they come up - instead of realising that if I stand and breathe - hurt, vulnerability and even death will not change who I am - I remain stable, here, unchanged.
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