When and as I see myself being 'absorbed' into TV-programs - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am I projecting myself into the experience of the characters that I see on the TV-screen, and thus, in essence, locking myself into a limited dimension in my own mind, and am no longer present, here in my physical body and my physical environment. And thus, I commit myself to focus on my breathing and bring myself back here, infusing myself back into my physical body and being aware of my physical environment - in essence, 'putting my feet back on Earth'.
When and as I see myself reacting in fear and panic because I see someone being hurt or dying on TV - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I have programmed myself to enter into a process of attempting to train myself to defend myself in a similar situation in an attempt to avoid the same harm if I were to find myself in that situation - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the fear and panic and ground myself in the physical hear, no longer participating in the GI Jane survival character.
When and as I see myself entering/being in a survival frame of mind - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am entering a kind of narrow-tunnel-vision/rushed experience in which I am actually relinquishing my common sense and attempt to 'solve' the problem or situation through if-this-then-that equations, thinking and believing that I can apply the same action in any similar situation - and thus, I realise that if I were to ever find myself in a dangerous situation, my action will depend on my consideration of everything and everyone that is involved within that singular particular moment - and cannot be predicted or rehearsed before hand. And thus, I commit myself to breathe and stabilise myself into my human physical body, embracing myself in self-trust and self-stability.
When and as I see myself participating in fear of pain and fear of death - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I will die and that there is currently nothing I can do about it - and thus, I commit myself to embrace this fact as I see/realise/understand that if I stand, even death cannot change me.
When and as I see myself thinking/believing that I can cheat death and desiring to cheat death - I stop, I breathe - I realise that the mind is the very reason why we cannot live in the same physical body eternally, and thus that participating in thoughts, beliefs, fears and desires in no way is going to help me avoid death. And thus, I commit myself to let go of the thought/belief/desire to cheat death and ground myself in my physical body here, realising that I am here at this very moment, and thus - that is all that matters.
When and as I see myself attempting/desiring to control my environment - I stop, I breathe - I realise that it is impossible to really be in control of my environment as this would imply the subjugation of my environment to me, and I realise that what I am actually trying to do is deluding/brainwashing myslef into believing that I actually am in control as a way of suppressing and not having to deal with my present situation. And thus, I let go of the fear, embrace myself as course and deliberately face myself through my environment head-on in self-honesty, self-trust and common sense.
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when and as I am watching television, to project myself into the shoes of the characters featuring on the screen, in the TV-show or in the movie and experience myself as if I were actually part of the storyline and as though what was being displayed on the screen was actually happening to me personally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when and as I am watching something on television, detach myself from myself, my human physical body and my physical environment as it is here - and instead, entire a space within my mind where I lock myself into a character based on what I am being shown on the TV-screen - believing that I actually am that character, and believing that I am undergoing and experiencing what the characters on the TV-screen are showing and experiencing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to every time when I see someone being hurt or dying on TV - go into fear and panic because I see and realise that if I had been in the position and situation of the character in the movie/show - that I would have ended up in the same fate - then, within this fear, I frantically scan through the event to see where the character could have done something different, that would have changed the course of the event - and once I've identified it, mentally project myself within the same situation/position, yet acting differently at a particular point in time and imagining how I would defeat the opponent or hide/escape/shield myself from the harm - then repeating it over and over within my mind as an attempt to 'imprint' the program so that, when I find myself in that situation, I'll know exactly what to do and my automated resonse will be what I have 'studied in' as my 'survival plan'.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realise/understand that as I am entering fear as I react to some act of violence or harm that I see happening on the TV screen, in a movie or TV-show, that I am actually immediately entering into a survival-mode and that, within entering a survival frame of mind - I immediately relinquish my common sense and rely on survival-instincts to guide and direct me in order to 'make it out all right' - even though I am not actually physically experiencing that which I am witnessing by watching TV.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to embrace the fact that I will eventually die and that it is therefore useless to try and create an arsenal of survival plans as though I can infinitely cheat death - not realising that there is no point in trying to survive and whether I live or not will ultimately depend on who I am in the moment of the event - however it plays out/manifests.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that in continuously trying to devise an action plan to prevent traumatic/harmful/deadly things from happening to me - I am buying into the belief that I can possibly live forever in this current body.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that the desire to cheat death really just reflects my fear of death.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect death to fear, and thus - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust survival instincts and, thus, implicitly, my mind - to help me cheat death - instead of realising that the mind is the very reason we cannot live forever, because the mind keeps on feeding off of and torturing the physical flesh, causing it to decay, deteriorate and eventually perish.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realise/understand that the attempt at creating a mental 'databse' as an arsenal of collected self-created survival plans - I am not really intending of putting any of it into practice, but it is merely so that I can have a sense of control, where previously I experienced that I wouldn't have any control in such a situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having no control while things in my environment are moving in a way that can end up hurting or killing me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the sense of having no control.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I am never really in control of my environment of how things play out - I can only direct myself and others to the best of my ability - but there is never a guarantee - and without guarantee - there is no control.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I was never really after real control - but only ever after the experience/perception/sensation of being in control - and thus, the only real goal was to attempt to effectively delude and brainwas myself into believing that I actually am/would be/was in control - as a ways of suppressing and not having to deal with fear of being hurt, fear of dying, fear of being vulnerable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to suppress and not deal with fears of being hurt, dying and being vulnerable as they come up - instead of realising that if I stand and breathe - hurt, vulnerability and even death will not change who I am - I remain stable, here, unchanged.
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So - today I was watching some episodes of 'Curiosity' - a TV show that's a lot like 'Mythbusters' - where they go and explore a certain topic, what's true about it, what's possible, etc. For instance - some topics they took on was what would happen if there was an alien invasion - why would they invade, how would they do it, what would their strategies be, how would humans and the military respond, etc. Another episode was about sending a group of 21st century people back to the cave-man days - seeing if they're able to survive. Another one was about all the bacteria and microbes that our body is exposed to, that live on our bodies, that live inside our bodies.
Now - while I was watching the episode about surviving as cave-men - they showed how the group of people basically started starving, going into hypothermia, dehydration, etc. Their last hope was being able to kill an elk for food, because that would ensure they would be properly fed for a while. They made many attempts, but each time the hunter-party came back to camp with empty hands. When they finally managed to kill an elk and the it was shown how relieved everyone was, almost euphoric that there was food - I started experiencing the same thing. There was like tears in my eyes, couldn't help but laughing, the whole thing. That's when I knew - oh, oooh - something weird is going on.
Afterwards, my head was pounding and my body was dehydrated. I then looked a bit deeper at my entire experience while watching the show - and realised that the entire time I had been placing myself in the position of the people in the show, looking at: what would I do? How would I go about that? What would I do different? I'd definitely say or do that in that situation! Oh! I should remember about that, that's a good survival tip! Even when they showed the 'cave-men' people how to use this prehistorical weapon, I was imagining myself doing it, like 'practicing' it in my mind - just in case I ever need to know how to do that - LOL. So - while watching the show, I had placed myself in a survival state of mind.
When I was a child and teenager, while watching a scary movie and someone got hurt - I'd be like: FUCK! I don't want that to happen to me! And then I'd in my mind, quickly make a plan of what I would do if I were in the same situation to not end up hurt the same way. I'd even do it after having a nightmare - go like 'oh man, that could really happen to me' - and then try to 'prepare myself' for such an event by having an action plan prepared.
So - that would obvioulsy indicate that there is a fear existent within me of being hurt or dying and not knowing what to do to prevent it. And I'd use TV-shows and movies primarily to gain more and more knowledge of all the possible scenarios that could play out where I would be in a position of disadvantage - to then create a database of survival plans - so that I would feel 'safer' that if something would happen, that I would know what to do.
To be continued.
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