Vandaag na mijn examen nam ik een dutje en toen LJ mij probeerde wakker te maken maakte ik het hem echt moeilijk.

Het examen dat ik schreef vandaag was over verandering in de politiek in Africa - waarvoor we veel gelezen en gestudeerd hebben over dictators in Afrika, zoals Mobutu en Kabila. Een van de dingen die typisch zijn voor dictators in een democraat's kostuum is dat ze mensenrechten ondermijnen.

Toen LJ mij probeerde wakker te maken, was ik nog steeds in mijn droom en had ik niet echt een besef van de werkelijkheid - ik geloofde dat mijn droom meer reeel was dan de werkelijkheid. Voor een of andere reden interpreteerde ik LJ's poging om mij wakker te maken als een manier waarin hij mij het recht om te slapen aan het ontzeggen was. Ik had een idee dat ik nog langer kon slapen - hoewel ik geen benul had van de tijd en dat ik echt wel moest opstaan om de paarden binnen te halen. En ik dacht dat LJ mij probeerde wakker te maken 'voor mijn tijd' en dit ervaarde ik als een schending van mijn rechten - lol.

Zelfs wanneer LJ zei dat ik moest opstaan omdat het tijd was om de paarden binnen te halen zei ik 'Nee - het is ok' - LJ dacht dat ik tegen hem aan het praten was, maar eigenlijk was ik aan het praten tegen andere mensen in mijn droom om ze te laten weten dat ze LJ niet moesten vertrouwen, dat het gewoon een leugen is dat hij gebruikt om onze rechten te schenden. Wanneer LJ zei 'okay, dus ik kan Ben (mijn paard) op z'n eentje in de wei laten staan dan??' als een poging om mij uit mijn waanstaat te schudden - zei ik gewoon weer 'het is okay, nee, het is okay' - lol.

LJ zei dan dat ik mijn kleren moest veranderen omdat ik nog steeds mijn stadskleren aanhad. Daar antwoordde ik gewoon niet op, want ik probeerde mijn recht om te slapen zo ongestoord mogelijk uit te oefenen - lol. Dan probeerde hij mijn T-shirt uit te trekken, want we moesten nu echt wel doorgaan. Toen hij dat deed, begon ik hem weg te duwen en mijn T-shirt terug naar beneden te trekken. Ik dacht dat het een soort strategie was om mij te verwarren en ik moest echt wel mijn rechten verdedigen!

Toen ik uiteindelijk terug tot mijn zinnen kwam had ik nog steeds het gevoel dat mij een groot onrecht was aangedaan en bleef kwaad op LJ voor een tijdje - die het hele gebeuren gewoon compleet absurd vond en niet begreep waarom ik zo moeilijk deed.

Wordt vervolgd.

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Deze blog-post is een vervolg op 'Dag 60: Het Onvoorwaardelijk Vertrouwen van een Kind'.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard te denken en geloven dat het onvoorwaardelijk vertrouwen van een ander onmogelijk is.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf niet heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb in te zien dat de gedachte en het geloof dat onvoorwaardelijk zelfvertrouwen onmogelijk is eigenlijk een beslissing is en niet een feit - want een nieuwgeboren kind vertrouwt onvoorwaardelijk, en zij zijn dus het bewijs dat onvoorwaardelijk vertrouwen in een ander mogelijk is.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om een kind z'n onvoorwaardelijk vertrouwen te schenden door het kind niet te behandelen op de manier dat ikzelf zou willen behandeld worden - maar in plaats van dit onvoorwaardelijk vertrouwen te eren, het kind te introduceren in een mentale staat van wantrouwen, misleiding, leugens en paranoia - waarbij ik, in plaats van te leren van het kind, het kind 'mijn weg' opleg, de weg van de wereld zoals het nu is - waarbij ik niet in overweging neem hoe ik daardoor enige kans om de wereld te verbeteren, vernietig.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard schrik te hebben en angstig te zijn wanneer ik zie/mij realiseer hoeveel vertrouwen een kind heeft in mij - omdat dit betekent dat ik dan ook een verantwoordelijkheid heb om dit vertrouwen te eren - en dus, ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf niet heb toegestaan en aanvaard om mijzelf te vertrouwen in de capaciteit om een ander te eren, te helpen groeien, te leiden, te steunen op een manier waarop het kind ook zelfvertrouwen kan ontwikkelen.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om schrik te hebben en angstig te zijn voor verantwoordelijkheid door de perceptie dat verantwoordelijkheid een dimensie van potentiële faling inhoudt - en dus, ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om 'verantwoordelijkheid' te linken met 'potentieel falen' in mijn geest.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om schrik te hebben om te falen.

Als en wanneer ik zie dat ik in een staat van angst treedt omdat ik zie in welke mate een ander mij vertrouwt - dan stop ik, dan adem ik - ik realiseer mij dat ik op mijn eigen zelfvertrouwen moet werken, zodat ik zelfvertrouwen in de ander kan ontwikkelen, zodat, wanneer eenieder mekaar vertrouwt, we ook mekaar kunnen vertrouwen op een onvoorwaardelijke manier - en dus, ik verbind mij ertoe om in dat moment, de angst en de schrik niet in achting of vertrouwen te nemen, maar mijzelf te vertrouwen in mijn adem en het moment per moment te nemen, zodat ik, met de tijd, stap voor stap, mijn zelfvertrouwen kan ontwikkelen.

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De ganzen op de boerderij hebben kleintjes gehad. Een van de gansjes was zwak en toen we haar vonden was ze eigenlijk op het randje van de dood. Ze lag naast haar moeder in plaats van onder haar, want de moeder wou er niet voor zorgen - een zwak gansje zou de rest van de groep in gevaar kunnen brengen. Het kleintje had zelfs een wonde boven haar linkeroog waar een van de ganzen haar had gepekt.

Toen we haar vonden hebben we het gansje in huis genomen (ik zeg 'haar', maar we kunnen momenteel niet zeggen of het een jongen of een meisje is). Het nam haar slechts enkele dagen om op krachten te komen, om te kunnen stappen, eten en drinken op haar eentje.

Het gansje heeft ons - LJ, Gian, Leila en ik, alsook de honden in ons huis - aanvaard als haar 'ouders'. Zij volgt iedereen achterna en het maakt haar niet uit of ze nu een gans, een hond of een mens aan't nalopen is. Wanneer we niet bij haar kunnen zijn, stoppen we haar onder in een dekentje in een kooi in de kamer, maar daar wiegelt ze zich soms van onder. En wanneer ze dan niemand kan zien, begint ze de roepen/huilen totdat iemand haar tegemoet komt en optilt. Wanneer ze alleen is voelt ze zich kwetsbaar, wanneer ze bij iemand is, voelt ze zich veilig.

Het is echt fascinerend om te zien hoe zij ons zo onvoorwaardelijk vertrouwt. Ze vertrouwt erop dat we voor haar zorgen en dat we het beste met haar voorhebben. Zelfs met de honden - een van de eerste dagen dat we haar in huis hadden gehaald waggelde ze naar Boeboe - een klein hondje - en stopte ze zichzelf onder zijn dij. Een hond zijnde, als Boeboe dit gezien had als een 'invasie' van 'zijn ruimte', had hij haar kunnen aanvallen/bijten - maar zij zag geen gevaar, zij vertrouwde hem gewoon. En gelukkig heeft Boeboe een heel moederlijke zijde wanneer het op kuikentjes, eendjes en gansjes aankomt - en hij welkomde het kleintje gewoon en liet haar zichzelf instoppen onder zijn poot en tussen zijn krullen.

Voor mij is het indrukwekkend om te zien hoe iemand mij zo ten volle kan vertrouwen, tot op het punt waar ze letterlijk haar leven in mijn handen legt. Zij gaat ervan uit dat ik het beste met haar voor heb - en als je dat soort vertrouwen van iemand ziet, wordt het een verantwoordelijkheid om dat vertrouwen niet te schenden.

Ik kan mij dat soort vertrouwen momenteel niet voorstellen in mijzelf - ik vertrouw niemand op de manier waarop zij mij vertrouwt. En toch, ooit, als kind moet ik dat soort vertrouwen gehad hebben in mijn ouders.

Kinderen komen op de wereld in een kwetsbare staat en vertrouwen hun ouders onvoorwaardelijk om voor hen te zorgen, om hen te beschermen van gevaar, om hen te leiden, om hen te tonen wat ze moeten weten om op hun eigen benen te kunnen staan. Mensen schenden dit vertrouwen in hun kinderen. Vroeger of later gaat het kind inzien dat de ouder niet altijd het beste met hen voorheeft.

Elk kind geeft ons het grootste geschenk: ze tonen ons dat het mogelijk is om onvoorwaardelijk te vertrouwen. Dat is het grootste geschenk in een wereld van wantrouwen, leugens en teleurstelling. Maar, in plaats van dit vertrouwen ten harte te nemen en dit te beantwoorden met de zorg, de dedicatie, de steun en de leiding dat een kind verwacht om dit vertrouwen te eren - zorgen we ervoor dat het kind teleurgesteld wordt - zodat het kind ons kan aansluiten in onze voortdurende staat van wantrouwen en het schermen van onszelf ten opzichte van de buitenwereld.

Een kind legt zijn leven in de handen van zijn ouders. Beeld je even een wereld in waarin iedereen mekaar op diezelfde manier vertrouwt. Zo'n wereld is mogelijk - en toch verkiezen we een wereld van paranoia, waar iedereen opgesloten zit in zijn eigen geest en vasthoudt aan al de geheimen waar van we denken dat als anderen hier achter komen, dat ze het tegen ons zouden gebruiken. Zou stress bestaan in een wereld waar iedereen mekaar op die manier vertrouwt? Zou depressie bestaan? Zou angst bestaan? Zou teleurstelling bestaan? Zouden schuldgevoelens bestaan?

Zo'n wereld is mogelijk als we 1 ding doen: verantwoordelijkheid nemen voor onszelf - waarbij we alle vormen van misbruik in ons gedrag, onze woorden, onze gedachten stoppen. De eerste stap is zelf-vertrouwen - slechts wanneer we aan onszelf kunnen bewijzen dat we ons eigen leven in onze eigen handen kunnen leggen en onszelf vertrouwen om dit leven te eren - kunnen we beginnen overwegen om anderen op dezelfde manier te vertrouwen.

Bij Desteni is dit precies wat wordt voorgesteld. Ja, het zal lang duren, heel lang - en ja, misschien zal zo'n wereld nooit werkelijkheid worden - maar het streven naar zo'n wereld en doen wat ik kan op dit moment om te helpen in het creeren van zo'n wereld is een betere manier om mijn tijd te besteden dan de miserie, het misbruik, de teleurstelling, de angst, de verwarring, de misleiding waar we nu in leven verder te cultiveren!

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This blog-post is a continuation of:
Day 55: Today I Broke Up with my Ex
Day 56: Letting Go of an Old Flame
Day 57: Doubting Myself after a Decision
Day 58: Living Life in Service of Guilt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place guilt above myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing/ready to live my life in service of guilt where I would place myself in a position of self-compromise to satisfy another person because I feel/believe that I have to make things up to them for me to feel better about my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have guilt direct me and my life - where I place guilt above myself as a dictator - and in the name of guilt, suppress my self-honesty and self-integrity completely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and be hard on myself for not having stood as the directive principle within this relationship-point - when I at that time did not have the tools to assist and support myself in what I was doing and how I was able to stand as this directive principle, or even understood what that meant.

When and as I see myself trusting a feeling/curiosity/desire/attraction instead of self-certainty - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am trusting my mind over myself and that thus, in following these feelings/curiosities/desires/attractions I will end up in a situation of conflict and dilemma where I feel I am stuck, because the mind will always steer me to situations of conflict as it requires the energy that is generation through the friction in conflict to sustain itself - and thus, I commit myself to investigate the particular feelings, curiosities, desires and attractions in terms of what they are revealing to me about myself where I have separated aspects of me from myself by defining them/looking for them elsewhere - and I correct the points that are misaligned and direct myself in self-trust according to the self-certainty that is here.

When and as I see myself giving mixed signals to a person - where I allow them to remain in a certain point of delusion/illusion where I keep feeding this delusion/illusion through not speaking clearly where I stand and what I will accept and allow - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am using another as a character in my play where I want to find out what it feels like to live out certain scenes/scenarios, and that I will eventually end up in a point of guilt and regret of what I had done in the name of self-interest - and thus, I commit myself to clearly communicate where I stand/what I will accept and allow so as to not feed any delusions/illusions in another and thus, treat the other in a way I would like to be treated.

When and as I see myself wondering what it would be like to live out a certain scenario/lifestyle/scene that I see on TV or read in books - I stop, I breathe - I realise that TV and books are really fiction and that how things play out on TV/books mostly has nothing to do with practical reality - and thus, I commit myself to assess whether that which I am curious about is practical and supportive of life and practically achievable and if not, I investigate the particular thoughts/emotions/ feelings/memories/ projections that came up in relation to the particular scenario/lifestyle/scene so as to see where within myself I feel that I am 'missing' something and I align the point accordingly through writing, SF and self-correction.

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This blog-post is a continuation of:
Day 55: Today I Broke Up with my Ex
Day 56: Letting Go of an Old Flame
Day 57: Doubting Myself after a Decision

An additional point opened up in relation to why I had still a commitment living with myself of one day going back to an ex-boyfriend. Simply put: I believed I owed it to him.

As I described, our 'relationship' was turbulent and was an emotional rollercoaster. So - in many ways it was a very painful experience, both for myself as for him. It was so turbulent because from the beginning I had this certainty that the relationship would never work, because we were just too different and barely agreed on anything. Yet, the feelings and attraction were very strong and I just really wanted to live out a love-drama of TV-soup-kalibre. So, I kept on trying to convince myself that it maybe could work, trying to focus on the few things that we did agree on/that we did have in common - and in the meantime strolling him along, while he had a different outlook on the relationship, where he appeared quite certain of thinking that this was 'it'. And this underlying point of certainty that this relationship is not really what I want caused us to keep splitting up, while the attraction/feelings always brought us back together - which is what caused most of the emotional hurting.

And on some level I was aware of this, yet I kept continuing in the same cycle. And the guilt originating from this deliberateness is what strengthened the promise within myself to eventually go back to him - to try to make up for the pain that I caused during our on-and-off relationship period.

If I had not found Desteni and started my process and journey to life, I can see it very likely that I would have attempted to fulfill my promise and try to make it so I'd end up with him - trying to pay for my sins of the past by binding myself to him. It is quite a perturbing and shocking realisation for me that I would be willing to live my life in service of guilt - where I feel I have to 'pay my dues' - where, in essence, I give up myself entirely, allowing my life to end - to try to fulfill someone else's. And if I had done this and the certainty of knowing that this relationship is not what I wanted, I would have probably suppressed it and despite myself, forced myself to remain in the relationship - banning my self-honesty and my integrity to the deepest corner of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stroll myself and J along in the illusion that maybe someday the relationship will work-out by trying to focus on the points that we agreed on/had in common and ignoring a strong

sense of certainty within myself that this relationship could never work, because we were too different and we wanted different things in life - yet, because my feelings/attraction to him were so strong as well as my desire to live out a rollercoaster love-drama, I did not make a clear decision within myself to stand by my self-honesty and not by fleeting/changing emotions and feelings, although I knew that this was the self-honest thing to do, both for myself as for J.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep feeding J's idea/perception/belief that maybe we were 'meant to be together' by always coming back to him, while I, in all self-honesty, did not have the intention to stay with him and spend the rest of my life with him - and within that point, I knew that the relationship was not valid and my attempts to try and make it work were not valid and that the suffering that sprung from this back-and-forth shifting was unnecessary and couldn't be justified.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as self-certainty, but rather trust attraction, desire, feelings and the idea of eternal/true love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise both myself and J through not trusting myself - but thinking/believing that if I act in the same way as characters in movies do - by simply following 'their heart'/the feeling of love - I would eventually get a happy ending.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe what is portrayed in movies, that if one simply follows one's heart, that then one will be happy, make the right decisions, have no regrets in life and fulfil oneself - and thus, rather trust movies than trusting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my life-decisions on what movies/TV have taught me in terms of how I should live my life and what the best way is to true and complete happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue the same cycle, always conning myself in the same points, even though I was aware that my indecision and my  self-manipulation was causing the pain within myself as well as J - and thus, knowing that if I simply put an end to the relationship and communicate clearly that this will never happen or work, that I could have saved myself and him a lot of unnecessary hurt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the guilt of knowing that I was deliberate in not doing what I saw had to be done, but rather follow my fears, desires and feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way I could make the guilt go away is if I try to make it up to him, try to stop his pain once and for all by giving him what he wants - a long-standing relationship - and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that even within the decision to try to make things up to J, I am still doing it from a starting point of self-interest, because all I really want is for my guilt to go away.

To be continued.

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This blog-post is a continuation to Day 55: Letting Go of an Old Flame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I did something wrong in contacting J.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am kidding myself within making the decision to contact J like there is no way that this could be the point that was missing from my application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about right and wrong in relation to the decision I made and action of contaction of contacting J to create a clear ending to the relationship - instead of realising that this is what I saw in the moment and if there are any points that I missed, then I will face the points as I am faced with the consequences - and within facing the consequences, I will take responsibility and learn from the mistake.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to test something unconditionally, but want to be sure/certain of the outcome beforehand.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself when assessing that there are no points I see I can address in writing and self-forgiveness at this stage and thus, that an action as communicating with J might be what is missing from my application as the one thing I have resisted doing from the start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare this point of communication with J to the other moments in my process where I considered communicating with him, where the other times I realised the starting point was self-dishonest, and therefore assumed that this time it must be self-dishonest as well - immediately prefering to believe that I fucked up instead of giving myself the benefit of the doubt and simply see what happens/what points come up and work through them as they are revealed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am trying to 'fix' myself through someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am being self-dishonest and thus, fear my own self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my self-dishonest, and thus, fear myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to get to know myself in every possible detail and ensuring that what I get to know of myself is always aligned to oneness and equality as what is best for all - so that I can enjoy myself, trust myself and stand as myself absolutely - without having to constantly second-guess myself because of fearing that I have some secretly hidden agenda.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have blinded myself from my own self-dishonesties because of not wanting to face myself - resulting now in the constant experience of not being able to trust myself, because I am not aware of myself as the entirety of who I am and constantly fear that there is a self-interested motivation lurking behind my actions in the dark corners of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self-dishonesties.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and designed myself in such a way that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin - because I simply don't know who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear regretting my decision to contact/communicate with J.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that I made a mistake in contacting/communicating with J and project myself into the future experiencing the regret I would feel if I were to realise I had made a mistake - but because of the future projection, already bring the regret here, in this moment - and thus, 'confirming' within myself the idea that I did indeed make a mistake - because 'I am already regretting my decision'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'what if i did something wrong?'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to face possible consequential out-flows of my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for possible consequential out-flows and their origin-points.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that within communicating with J I was taking responsibiilty for a consequential outflow and its origin-point!

When and as I see myself doubting my actions, I stop, I breathe. I realise that I cannot know the outcome of my actions beforehand and that if my starting point was indeed not clear, then I will see it within the manifested consequences. And thus, I commit myself to unconditionally test things without the desire of having absolute certainty of the outcome before I have done it and I commit myself to accept that I will make mistakes and that when I see/realise that I have made a mistake, I can and will learn from them.

When and as I see myself thinking that I may have done something wrong, I stop, I breathe. I realise that I am accessing the morality and judgment character where I attempt to place my action in a box of either 'right' or 'wrong' - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the want/desire to judge my actions and simply see it for what it is - without trying/attempting to predict the future in terms of consequences I may be facing as a way of trying/attempting to prepare myself for facing a future consequence.

When and as I see myself regretting a decision I have made/action I have taken because I have doubts about whether or not the decision/action was self-honest - I stop, I breathe - I realise I am accessing the control character and am trying to make sure that I will have no unpleasant aftertaste of this decision - and that, I have really just projected myself into the future in playing out the worst case scenario and brought the expeirence of regret that I would experience in such a scenario here, and accepted it as being real. Therefore, I commit myself to let go of the experience of regret and don't allow myself to accept it as real/validate the experience of regret within myself - but instead stay in the moment and walk one breath at a time - without anticipating any future moment, but remaining in the present moment and 'concerning' myself only with what is here right now.

When and as I see myself fearing the future as facing consequences of self-dishonesties - I stop, I breathe. I realise that the manifestation of consequences is a necessary point within process as we do not know the entirety of ourselves and thus - within facing consequences we reveal a part of ourselves that was hidden before, allowing us to find all pieces of ourselves that we have hidden and separated ourselves from and aligning them to oneness and equality as what is best for all. And thus, I commit myself to let go of the fear of the future and the fear of facing consequences and accept that I am walking a process of learning, where I can only act within the information that is available to me in the present moment - and thus, I commit myself to stop expecting perfection of myself when I know that that is a premature demand at this stage in my process, as I am aware that there are still parts/aspects of myself that I have not yet explored/seen/aligned.

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This blog-post is a continuation of 'Day 55: Today I Broke Up with my Ex'.

So - as I wrote in my previous blog, this particular relationship I had written about extensively already. Yet - there was still a feeling within me of the story between me and this guy is not over. I'm aware that this relationship represents a backdoor for me in my process, where I can see that if I were looking for an 'out', I would somehow use this relationship as a way to go back to my 'old life'. This particular relationship was a very intense one - primarily because we didn't fit well with each other - we were like opposites, had complete different interests and outlooks on life, the world, what's important and what's not - yet there was this very strong attraction and connection between us.

Recently I found an old diary of mine and I read an entry about a moment where we were together and where he had said that clearly I cannot live without him and he cannot live without me, but for the moment we both have to go and do our own thing.

For most of 'our story' we weren't actually in a relationship together - we were only officially together for 2 months - but afterwards kept on coming back to each other and separating again. So - the relationship was not clearly defined and we didn't particularly direct it. Every time we tried, we stumbled into disagreements that had us go separate ways again, yet we couldn't stay apart from each other for very long either, continuously falling for each other again.

This entry I read about was the last conversation I remember us having about our relationship. And, in that moment that he had said that we should go our separate ways for now and come together again later (which is not what he explicitly said, but what was implied), I had, within myself, agreed with him - and so, in that moment it's like I made a promise to myself and to him to some day get back to him and 'continue our story'.

So, in essence we never really broke up - lol - we placed a '...' behind our story instead of a full stop - and that's exactly what I experienced the last few years - even if I hadn't seen or spoken to him for years. So - when I read that entry I realised that that moment/conversation was the origin-point of the entire experience, because there still existed a 'plan' within myself of going back to him.

Then I placed the question in front of me again: Do I want to go back to him at some point and be in a relationship with him - is that what I want to do with my life? And the answer was no. So - I did my writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements again to clear the point within myself.

A few days ago I realised that the point was not entirely cleared up. So, I looked at the point and decided to communicate this with him. Actually, when I had read the entry and realised this whole point, my first instinct was to communicate with him and make it clear that I am not going to come back to him. But, I figured that the point is about me, not him and that it was a matter of clearing it up within myself. And throughout my process I have had many moments where I contemplated speaking to him to clear up everything between us and create a 'proper' ending to the relationship. But every time I changed my mind and decided to just work on the points within myself. So - in noticing that the point was still not cleared up I looked at it again and realised that the one thing I haven't done yet is speak to him about it and so I decided to just do it.

He had been a part of that moment where I not only made a commitment to myself, but also towards him and so this particular point concerns him as well. And also - in case this point is also running within him and affecting his life, it could maybe assist him to move on as well. So, it's a matter of taking responsibility for the part I played within that moment of agreeing with him and not directing the relationship in clarity.

So - I wrote out the point to him and sent it to him yesterday. After I pressed 'send' I felt a huge relief within myself and I was completely empty and silent within myself.

After a few moments, though, I noticed an anxiety - and the point that's still not entirely clear within me is whether or not I 'should've' communicated it with him - because previously whenever I would want to communicate with him to direct a point, it was mostly a diversion to not actually deal with the point within myself - but to 'talk to him' as though that was going to magically release the point within me. So, this point I will write about in tomorrow's blog!

Related articles

• Day 55: Today I Broke Up with my Ex
• Day 136: Insight self corrective statements
• Trust your Inner Voice - Part 2: DAY 118
• Day 85: Manipulation Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Yes, I KNOW!!! - Part 1: DAY 147

I wanted to start writing a blog about a point that I've been struggling with ever since I started my process, which is a past relationship with an old boyfriend. I've written about the point countless times, each time opening up new dimensions of it. After a while I couldn't see any more points or at least points that I hadn't yet directed. And recently another of those points became clear - a point where I saw I needed to direct it. And so - that's the point I wanted to write about today. But then, I figured that writing about it was not what I had to do - I first had to direct it.

So - today's blog is really short as I ended up writing towards my ex instead of writing about the point in my blog. I'll lay everything in tomorrow's blog-post - so, watch this space!

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• Character Dimensions - BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 1): DAY 167
• Day 11: Facing the Tsunami of the Mind
• Day 117: Self sabotaging Self Forgiveness
• The Science of Thought - Introduction: DAY 149
• Yes, I KNOW!!! - Part 2: DAY 148