Yesterday I was standing in front of the mirror after I took a bath. I saw I was reacting to the shape of my body, specifically around my hips. So - I placed my hands on my hips, breathed in and looked at the reactions - of course the judgments were in relation to 'being too fat', that there is fat tissue around my hips that 'shouldn't be there' or 'doesn't need to be there'. Then, still with my hands on my hips, I asked myself where this judgment comes from - I then saw two memories - one of my father telling me that 'you gained weight again' and one of my mother telling me the same. In both memories, I reacted quite extensively. Then I asked 'where do those judgments come from?' and I saw again two memories - of my grandparents coming into the house - in the one memory telling my mother that she gained weight and saying how they've lost weight and another one where they tell my father that he's gained weight and keeps on getting rounder.
So, what this shows is that self-judgments are taught by our parents judging us and they were taught from their parents judging them. So, there exists for each family a 'family tree of judgments' - where you can trace back each judgment to the previous generation, and the previous, and the previous and so on.
This gives of course a new perspective on 'The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil' - where such tree is not one standing in some garden in some promised land - but a tree that exists within and as us, that grows from generation to generation and its fruits are the judgements that stand in the polarity of good or evil - and that are passed on from parents to children.
That is how parents teach, after all - to label some things as 'good' and others as 'bad'. Raising a child then means nothing more than passing on your judgment to your children - so that your children eventually grow up to be able to judge themselves. And then the education is complete and the child is ready to go and pass on their judgments to their own child.
Within this no real education takes place, because when a child goes through an energetic reaction of, for instance, being angry at their sister or brother - and start 'acting up' - all the parents do is to place a label on this behavior as being 'bad' and that, therefore, it must be hidden from sight. To educate a child for real would be to assist the child in understanding their own experience through assisting them in building an adequate vocabulary. So - that when they experience this 'inner madness' again - they know that it is anger - and not 'something bad that must not be seen'. Once the experience is identified, the parent can assist the child in seeing where the anger originates from and then together practical solutions can be found. Herein children should not be underestimated - assist them to gain clarity and understanding and they'll often be able to see the solution for themselves.
To pass on judgments from one generation to another is nothing more than passing on your limitations to your child - making sure that no-one ever accepts themselves, no-one ever has confidence, no-one ever has self-trust, no-one ever stands up, no-one ever really truly lives.
The exact same method is applied in our judicial system - where nothing more is done than to create laws that label certain behavior as 'good' and other behavior as 'bad'. The apparent criminal is then in no way assisted to understand the origin of their behavior and no efforts are done to correct these origins - all that happens is that a 'punishment' ensues to ensure that such behavior is discouraged and suppressed. Seeing this - it is ridiculous to claim that humanity has ever evolved - because we've only ever lived in and as judgment. We cannot transform ourselves to be or become anything more than we are now if we continue to accept and allow ourselves to live in judgment - because judgment equals limitation.
The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil will keep on growing and will keep us entagled in our own fears as long as we continue to pass judgment on ourselves, on others - and especially, on our children.
So - what is meant with the story in the bible of God saying not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil? Was this story actually referring to the sins of the fathers and how we are sinning against ourselves if we accept and allow ourselvse to perpetuate the cycle of 'Judge as you have been Judged'? And that - Eve eating from the tree is showing how humanity has chosen to be swayed by the serpent as their mind to indulge in judgments - where, from that moment onwards - we screwed ourselves into infinity, banished from paradise. Because - wouldn't it be paradise if judgment no longer existed and, instead, unconditional support and assistance was offered so that no-one any longer has to live in confusion, suppression, fear and limitation? To ensure that each one is educated to be the best and most empowered version of themselves?
It only takes one moment - one bite - to con ourselves into accepting judgment as truth, as valuable, as relevant, as personal. So - when judgment presents itself - don't bite - don't participate - unconditionally forgive and let go. And when you forgive - you forgive not only yourself - but you stand as your entire family tree and release the judgment for everyone that has gone before you, unconditionally. And so, slowly but surely - you uproot the Tree of Judgment and allow the Tree of Life to flourish instead - ending the cycle of the sins of the fathers, discontinuing the line. Someone at some point along the line has to take responsibility for self and all that have gone before self to stop the perpetuation of limitations - and to find out: what is freedom really? Isn't this where parenting starts?
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This blog-post is a continuation to Day 55: Letting Go of an Old Flame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I did something wrong in contacting J.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am kidding myself within making the decision to contact J like there is no way that this could be the point that was missing from my application.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about right and wrong in relation to the decision I made and action of contaction of contacting J to create a clear ending to the relationship - instead of realising that this is what I saw in the moment and if there are any points that I missed, then I will face the points as I am faced with the consequences - and within facing the consequences, I will take responsibility and learn from the mistake.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to test something unconditionally, but want to be sure/certain of the outcome beforehand.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself when assessing that there are no points I see I can address in writing and self-forgiveness at this stage and thus, that an action as communicating with J might be what is missing from my application as the one thing I have resisted doing from the start.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare this point of communication with J to the other moments in my process where I considered communicating with him, where the other times I realised the starting point was self-dishonest, and therefore assumed that this time it must be self-dishonest as well - immediately prefering to believe that I fucked up instead of giving myself the benefit of the doubt and simply see what happens/what points come up and work through them as they are revealed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am trying to 'fix' myself through someone else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am being self-dishonest and thus, fear my own self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my self-dishonest, and thus, fear myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to get to know myself in every possible detail and ensuring that what I get to know of myself is always aligned to oneness and equality as what is best for all - so that I can enjoy myself, trust myself and stand as myself absolutely - without having to constantly second-guess myself because of fearing that I have some secretly hidden agenda.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have blinded myself from my own self-dishonesties because of not wanting to face myself - resulting now in the constant experience of not being able to trust myself, because I am not aware of myself as the entirety of who I am and constantly fear that there is a self-interested motivation lurking behind my actions in the dark corners of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self-dishonesties.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and designed myself in such a way that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin - because I simply don't know who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear regretting my decision to contact/communicate with J.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that I made a mistake in contacting/communicating with J and project myself into the future experiencing the regret I would feel if I were to realise I had made a mistake - but because of the future projection, already bring the regret here, in this moment - and thus, 'confirming' within myself the idea that I did indeed make a mistake - because 'I am already regretting my decision'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'what if i did something wrong?'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to face possible consequential out-flows of my actions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for possible consequential out-flows and their origin-points.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that within communicating with J I was taking responsibiilty for a consequential outflow and its origin-point!
When and as I see myself doubting my actions, I stop, I breathe. I realise that I cannot know the outcome of my actions beforehand and that if my starting point was indeed not clear, then I will see it within the manifested consequences. And thus, I commit myself to unconditionally test things without the desire of having absolute certainty of the outcome before I have done it and I commit myself to accept that I will make mistakes and that when I see/realise that I have made a mistake, I can and will learn from them.
When and as I see myself thinking that I may have done something wrong, I stop, I breathe. I realise that I am accessing the morality and judgment character where I attempt to place my action in a box of either 'right' or 'wrong' - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the want/desire to judge my actions and simply see it for what it is - without trying/attempting to predict the future in terms of consequences I may be facing as a way of trying/attempting to prepare myself for facing a future consequence.
When and as I see myself regretting a decision I have made/action I have taken because I have doubts about whether or not the decision/action was self-honest - I stop, I breathe - I realise I am accessing the control character and am trying to make sure that I will have no unpleasant aftertaste of this decision - and that, I have really just projected myself into the future in playing out the worst case scenario and brought the expeirence of regret that I would experience in such a scenario here, and accepted it as being real. Therefore, I commit myself to let go of the experience of regret and don't allow myself to accept it as real/validate the experience of regret within myself - but instead stay in the moment and walk one breath at a time - without anticipating any future moment, but remaining in the present moment and 'concerning' myself only with what is here right now.
When and as I see myself fearing the future as facing consequences of self-dishonesties - I stop, I breathe. I realise that the manifestation of consequences is a necessary point within process as we do not know the entirety of ourselves and thus - within facing consequences we reveal a part of ourselves that was hidden before, allowing us to find all pieces of ourselves that we have hidden and separated ourselves from and aligning them to oneness and equality as what is best for all. And thus, I commit myself to let go of the fear of the future and the fear of facing consequences and accept that I am walking a process of learning, where I can only act within the information that is available to me in the present moment - and thus, I commit myself to stop expecting perfection of myself when I know that that is a premature demand at this stage in my process, as I am aware that there are still parts/aspects of myself that I have not yet explored/seen/aligned.
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