It's been more than a year since the 7 Year Journey to Life started and so - I'm here in this blog looking back and assessing my application in the first year.
What is the Journey to Life about? It's a process wherein those walking are taking responsibility for themselves - taking responsibility for who they are, for their inner creation. It's a process of investigating and addressing every single thought, emotion, feeling that exists in our minds - that float up and that we believe is actually us, and that we actually believe have our best interests at heart - and yet, when actually investigating the nature of these emotions, feelings, thoughts, interpretations, beliefs, perceptions, ideas - and how we created them through tracing back the memories from which we developed set behavioral patterns - we invariably find the ironic oposite: that none of what the mind presents us ever in our best interest, but actually are a sign of gross self-deception, self-limitation, self-delusion and self-sabotage.
Within and through walking this process publically - for all to see - in a series of personal blogs - the process stretches further than self-responsibility - it is a process of establishing integrity - showing that it is possible for people to have integrity and showing how it can be done. Herein, one can see through a person's writings whether you can trust the person or not.
So - after a year of the 7 Year Journey - I look back at my own application and find that I have failed myself within what this process is about. I find that I have not disciplined myself within daily writing where I take a moment every day to make time for myself in taking responsibility for who I am, what I have accepted and allowed, tracing it back to the origin-points and writing practical solutions for myself as a guide or platform from which to live the correction.
I too often accepted excuses and justifications to not move myself within this discipline-point. Herein I look back to the start of my process and how I used to vigorously write daily - and thoroughly enjoy it - it was the most exciting thing I'd ever done - whereas within this first year of the Journey to Life, I've approached it as an obligation, a task - wherein I immediately place myself in a position of resistance and 'not wanting to do it'. I've also used the part of my process wherein I was disciplined within my writing as an additional excuse that 'I've already done this, I've already proven to myself that I can do it' - but, self-honestly, if it is not a consistent point, then how can I trust that it is real - then how can I trust that it is me moving myself - if I cannot sustain the movement myself?
And it is not only about daily writing - it is about pushing myself to specify my writing - to go beyond where I am, to expand myself, to explore farther. Within this I've seen that I've become 'content' with where I am within my process - where I have shifted my priority from dedication to life to leading my own comfortable life. Having overcome major obstacles within myself I feel like 'I'm mostly done now' and that I'm wlling to 'settle' now - settle for less - I've helped myself to get to a 'better place' within myself - yet, when it comes to now expanding my skills, specificy and responsibility to be able to stand as a trustworthy, influential and powerful point within this world in order to assist and support every life form - dedication suddenly lost its appeal and I've been slacking within my process. I've been taking my environment for granted, I've taken the people around me for granted, I've taken the Desteni group of support for granted, I've taken the animals that support me for granted. From walking towards become a living expression and participant within myself, my environment, my world - I've started managing myself, my environment and my world.
In hiding behind past achievements and accomplishments, I didn't see how I started fading and retracting from my position of effectiveness.
So, herewith, I re-commit and re-dedicate myself towards life.
I re-commit and re-dedicate myself towards walking the 7 Year Journey to Nothingness effectively - in order to continue manifesting fundamental and substantial change within myself and no longer settle and compromise myself and others in taking for granted the opportunity I have here - wherein my first responsibility is to write myself to freedom.
Time to get back to humbleness, time to get back to self-honesty and not waste any more breaths.
Thank you for reading.
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This blog-post is a continuation of:
Day 55: Today I Broke Up with my Ex
Day 56: Letting Go of an Old Flame
Day 57: Doubting Myself after a Decision
An additional point opened up in relation to why I had still a commitment living with myself of one day going back to an ex-boyfriend. Simply put: I believed I owed it to him.
As I described, our 'relationship' was turbulent and was an emotional rollercoaster. So - in many ways it was a very painful experience, both for myself as for him. It was so turbulent because from the beginning I had this certainty that the relationship would never work, because we were just too different and barely agreed on anything. Yet, the feelings and attraction were very strong and I just really wanted to live out a love-drama of TV-soup-kalibre. So, I kept on trying to convince myself that it maybe could work, trying to focus on the few things that we did agree on/that we did have in common - and in the meantime strolling him along, while he had a different outlook on the relationship, where he appeared quite certain of thinking that this was 'it'. And this underlying point of certainty that this relationship is not really what I want caused us to keep splitting up, while the attraction/feelings always brought us back together - which is what caused most of the emotional hurting.
And on some level I was aware of this, yet I kept continuing in the same cycle. And the guilt originating from this deliberateness is what strengthened the promise within myself to eventually go back to him - to try to make up for the pain that I caused during our on-and-off relationship period.
If I had not found Desteni and started my process and journey to life, I can see it very likely that I would have attempted to fulfill my promise and try to make it so I'd end up with him - trying to pay for my sins of the past by binding myself to him. It is quite a perturbing and shocking realisation for me that I would be willing to live my life in service of guilt - where I feel I have to 'pay my dues' - where, in essence, I give up myself entirely, allowing my life to end - to try to fulfill someone else's. And if I had done this and the certainty of knowing that this relationship is not what I wanted, I would have probably suppressed it and despite myself, forced myself to remain in the relationship - banning my self-honesty and my integrity to the deepest corner of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stroll myself and J along in the illusion that maybe someday the relationship will work-out by trying to focus on the points that we agreed on/had in common and ignoring a strong
sense of certainty within myself that this relationship could never work, because we were too different and we wanted different things in life - yet, because my feelings/attraction to him were so strong as well as my desire to live out a rollercoaster love-drama, I did not make a clear decision within myself to stand by my self-honesty and not by fleeting/changing emotions and feelings, although I knew that this was the self-honest thing to do, both for myself as for J.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep feeding J's idea/perception/belief that maybe we were 'meant to be together' by always coming back to him, while I, in all self-honesty, did not have the intention to stay with him and spend the rest of my life with him - and within that point, I knew that the relationship was not valid and my attempts to try and make it work were not valid and that the suffering that sprung from this back-and-forth shifting was unnecessary and couldn't be justified.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as self-certainty, but rather trust attraction, desire, feelings and the idea of eternal/true love.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise both myself and J through not trusting myself - but thinking/believing that if I act in the same way as characters in movies do - by simply following 'their heart'/the feeling of love - I would eventually get a happy ending.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe what is portrayed in movies, that if one simply follows one's heart, that then one will be happy, make the right decisions, have no regrets in life and fulfil oneself - and thus, rather trust movies than trusting myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my life-decisions on what movies/TV have taught me in terms of how I should live my life and what the best way is to true and complete happiness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue the same cycle, always conning myself in the same points, even though I was aware that my indecision and my self-manipulation was causing the pain within myself as well as J - and thus, knowing that if I simply put an end to the relationship and communicate clearly that this will never happen or work, that I could have saved myself and him a lot of unnecessary hurt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the guilt of knowing that I was deliberate in not doing what I saw had to be done, but rather follow my fears, desires and feelings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way I could make the guilt go away is if I try to make it up to him, try to stop his pain once and for all by giving him what he wants - a long-standing relationship - and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that even within the decision to try to make things up to J, I am still doing it from a starting point of self-interest, because all I really want is for my guilt to go away.
To be continued.
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This blog is a continuation of:
Day 30: Goodness as Positivity,
Day 31: You're My HERO!!!
Day 32: Consistency and
Day 33: Wanting to be the Star Pupil
Day 34: Make a Happy Family
Day 35:Don't Act like Lady Gaga - Act like a Real Lady!
- continuing to purify the word 'Good'.
In my mind, I have connected the word 'good' to:
Self-Sacrifice
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘good’ within and as sacrificing oneself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I
sacrifice myself for others, that it means that I am a good person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I must be like Jesus and sacrifice myself so that others don’t have to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept the idea that people who sacrifice themselves so others don’t have to suffer are noble heroes that should be applauded for their goodness and selflessness.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise
and understand that self-sacrifice is just another form of self-sabotage
and doesn’t really bring any actual solutions.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that
in sacrificing myself so others don’t have to suffer, I am allowing
myself to carry other people’s burdens – burdens that they have created
themselves and are for them to face – where I will then carry everyone
else’s burden so that others may be relieved within the idea and belief
that: “It is better that just one person suffers a lot than that many
people suffer a little.”
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and
realise that playing the self-sacrifice character is just another way to
get into someone’s good graces – thinking that: “if I do this for that
person, that person will like me – or at least feel grateful or guilty
and feel like he/she has to now repay me by doing me a favour or by
being my friend.”
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and
realise that self-sacrifice is actually done from the starting point of
self-interest – so that other people will see me as ‘good’ and then, I
can feel good about myself – and/or, so that it is easier to get people
to do things for me, because good people deserve to get what they want –
and more.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and
realise that the self-sacrifice character is one of the most
manipulative and disgraceful characters of all – because in apparently
being absolutely innocent and selfless – the reasoning behind
self-sacrificing acts is always within self-interest and never has
anything to do with actually assisting other beings.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that
in doing things for someone else, I am not actually assisting or
supporting them in any way whatsoever – I am doing them a disservice,
because if they had done the point/walked the point for themselves, they
might have realised something or expanded themselves in some way – and
thus, in sacrificing myself I am actually only taking opportunities away
from others for self-growth, self-honesty
and self-correction – just so I can feel good about myself – supporting
their resistance instead of who they are as life as who they are able
and capable of being.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that
in sacrificing myself I am actually only supporting another’s
self-limitation – and thus, accepting that self-limitation within myself
as well.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
to say ‘no’ when the point of self-sacrifice comes up because I fear
that it is a bad thing not to want to sacrifice myself for others – and
that, Jesus did it, therefore I shouldn’t have a problem with it either.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to say ‘no’
when the point of self-sacrifice comes up, because I don’t want others
do dislike me for not having taken their burdens.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy people’s
friendships with ‘apparent acts of kindness’ – and believe it to be
normal and okay.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that every single friendship has always been based within manipulation of getting another person to like me vice versa.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within trying to
get to know a person – think that I have to be friends with them, and
thus, that they have to ‘approve’ me as their friend – and therefore,
try to ‘score points’ with them in who/how I am towards them so that
they will like me and approve me as a member of their friendsclub –
instead of just being here and spending time with the person without assuming I need their permission to be in their presence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe
that I cannot just be with people, but that they must give me some kind
of permission for me to be around them/speak with them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always place
myself in an inferior position to someone that seems interesting/someone
I think I might enjoy spending time
with – and therefore, wait to be ‘invited’ into their space, instead of
realising and accepting myself as equal as this person and simply being
here and sharing my hereness with this other person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always wait for
permission to speak when I am among ‘strangers’ or people I don’t know
well – because I feel like my presence might be unwanted and therefore, I
rather just sit in the background, unnoticed, while still being able to
hear
everything that’s being said, than say something that is not
‘well-received’ and then people realising I am there and thinking they’d
prefer I wasn’t.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and
realise that self-sacrifice is basically self-compromise, where I will compromise myself to make another feel better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-compromise to exist within and as me – instead of seeing and realising that self-compromise is never a solution to anything and therefore, unacceptable as it creates unnecessary harm.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in the name of friendships – because I thought
and believed that without friends I was nobody in any case – therefore,
sacrificing myself for friends makes sense – because friends will make
me ‘count’, will make me ‘be someone’, will validate me.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and
realise that if I sacrifice myself, there is nothing left to be
validated in the first place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself
from others and from validation, by looking for validation within others
and defining validation in separation for myself as ‘something others
must give me’ – instead of simply validating myself as being here – I am
here – therefore, I exist, therefore I don’t need anyone else to ‘make
me into someone’.
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