In my recent blogs I’ve been exploring the Prideful Character – for more perspective read:
Day 141: Pride – The Root of All Sin?
Day 142: Pride and Perfection
Day 143: Pride – Prize versus Hide
Day 144: It doesn’t matter what you say, I already decided I won’t listen to you
Day 145: Maleficent – Pride and Regret
Another aspect of the Prideful Character is wanting to get credit for ‘doing something good’.
Examples are for instance:
- Sharing an idea with someone and then another person sharing that idea with a group where the group then perceives that the person who shared the idea with the group is the one who came up with the idea and people are then congratulating that person – and now self reacts – because ‘that was MY Idea!’, ‘the credit should go to ME!’.
- When working in a group on a project or to achieve a certain goal and as the group is moving towards or reaching success in its goals, self is convinced that it is because of one’s own contribution that there is success – for at one point raising an idea, or for carrying out a specific task – as though self is the one to which all the credit for the success belongs – when actually, there was a whole group involved.
This point stems again from one’s relationship to praise – where, if one has created a relationship to praise in a way where one believes one ‘doesn’t exist’ if one isn’t being praised – then any and all situations in which self would expect a possibility of praise – will be grasped at and if the praise does not come – there is a tantrum – because self perceives having a right to the praise.
It’s fascinating, because there’s a point of desperation within this point – similar to an addict desperately needing a ‘fix’ to feel okay, to feel at peace – as though one is time and time again building and walking into this intensifying experience of anxiety and instability – as though, if someone doesn’t give some praise soon – one’s foundation will be pulled from under self – because ‘who am I if I’m not being praised?’.
Lol, when I look at the prideful character, it’s truly like seeing a queen on a throne within one’s mind – and within sitting on the throne – hands on the arm-rests of the chair – eyes straight ahead– there is an experience of absolute stability – but it’s not in fact stability – it’s an experience of control. But! The queen can only be queen if it has subjects that recognize her as the queen – and if no one has come by in a while to bow at the queen – then who is the queen a queen of? What does it mean to be a queen if there is no one bowing before the queen??
And this ‘bowing before the queen’ is in the form of receiving praise from others – when praise is given – which is not necessarily praise from the point of the person giving, but how it is perceived by the prideful character; for instance, it could just be a point of cross-reference and a person agreeing, or it can be someone encouraging what self is busy with – but in the eyes of the prideful character, any and all feedback that is not ‘negative’, is ‘positive’ and is ‘praise’ – as though someone is actually bowing before self – before the queen – and now the queen’s legitimacy is restored and can ‘rest assured’ on the throne for a while again – experiencing that point of ‘apparent stability’ which is in fact control – in being able to suppress the actual anxieties and fears underneath the surface by placing ‘praise’ on the forefront.
I’ll continue with this point in my next post, because as I’m writing I have a memory coming up that I’m starting to see in a new light, in new understanding – so will share that in my next post!
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This blog-post is a continuation to:
Day 131: Who Am I in a Group?
Day 132: Who Am I in a Group? Clashes of Cultures
Day 133: Who Am I in a Group? - Nothing Left but Memories
Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1
Day 135: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company Pt2
Day 136: Who Am I in a Group? Dancing with a Ghost
Day 137: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 1
Day 138: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 2
Day 139: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt3
When and as I see myself participating in fear/anxiety/worry in relation to being introduced to a new group and not knowing what I will be experiencing, facing, be exposed to – I stop, I breathe – I realize that actually, that which I am afraid of is my own potential future reactions where I assume that I will not be able to direct myself within reactions - where this fear is based on memories in which I didn’t know how to direct myself within our without when experiencing inner turmoil as I did not yet have the tools to assist and support myself to do so – and so any scenario I would step into where I couldn’t predict exactly how I would experience myself/how I might react in moments, I started dreading – and so I commit myself to live self-trust in realizing that I am here, I have the tools and no matter what happens, whether I react or not, I am able to assist and support myself and expand myself through being in a new environment, with new individuals – allowing myself to open up and face points I might previously not have the opportunity to transcend.
When and as I see myself participating in the pattern of first keeping to the background in an observer-mode when introduced to a new group in order to be able to observe what kind of personalities are appreciated and accepted by others so that I am able to take on such a personality in order to be accepted in the group – I stop, I breathe – I realize that this pattern stems from a fear of not being accepted/being rejected and that within participating as a personality I am compromising who I am within the group as I am pretending to be someone I’m not, wherein I’ll later feel trapped in not knowing how to be myself without disappointing everyone else in no longer participating in a personality as well as creating guilt towards the others in the group for having participated within deception towards them from the very start – and so I commit myself to stop the fear of rejection and embrace myself within self-acceptance within the realization that it doesn’t affect me if another does not accept me and I push myself to participate as myself.
When and as I see myself separating myself creating the idea of a ‘group identity’ and ‘group feeling’ to which I assign either a positive or negative charge – I stop, I breathe – I realize that I am projecting my own experiences upon ‘the group’ wherein I believe that ‘the group’ is ‘making me feel’ a certain way or ‘giving me something’, when actually the ‘group’ is a collection of individuals and what each experiences within the group is about self and of self – and so I commit myself to bring back any energetic experiences that come up in relation to a group back to myself so that I can see how I am creating these experiences and can make the necessary alignments.
When and as I see myself changing myself in order to increase the likelihood of experiencing positive feelings within a group – I stop, I breathe – I realize that I am participating within the group based on energy, wherein my starting point for participating in the group is pure self-interest and where, eventually my experience will move to the opposite polarity of negative emotions as energy always moves between the poles – and so I commit myself to stop using groups for self-interested purposes of making me feel good about myself, but align my starting point to be me in self-honesty where I see how I am able to connect with other beings and develop relationships of mutual support.
When and as I see myself comparing a new or current group I am participating in to my experience of previous groups – I stop, I breathe – I realize that I am using my memories of participation in previous groups as a reference point for what will happen in the future, wherein I believe that what has happened before will happen again and that whatever has not happened before cannot happen – wherein I create the experiences of fear and hope within my participation in the group in reference to my previous experiences, thus not actually being here and participating directly, but instead I am influenced through these subtle experiences of hope and fear – and thus, I commit myself to let go of the past and realize that I created the past based on who I was in the past and I create what I experience in the present moment based on who I am in that moment, and so – to align myself within self-honesty to see what is real, what is relevant and walk accordingly.
When and as I see myself wanting to have a group last forever – I stop, I breathe – I realize that this stems from a pattern of participating in groups from a mind-experience starting point, wherein I would want my positive energetic experiences that I ascribed to the group to last forever and therefore would want the group to last forever - and so I commit myself to align who I am within the group in terms of what is supportive in self-honesty and clarify for myself what the purpose is for the group and to what extent the existence of the group is relevant or applicable, so that, if the group becomes irrelevant, I simply let go and move on.
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I have been observing an interesting point that was briefly mentioned in one of the EQAFE interviews of the "Parenting - Perfecting the Human Race" series in myself: that I have the tendency to first want to 'know' how to do something or get an explanation of how something is done, before I am willing to develop the point for myself. I have very much ingrained this pattern from my schooling years where this approach is how things are 'taught' in school - where you are first told and explained the 'rules' you have to follow and only once you have memorized the guidelines and the 'knowledge' part - do you have you put it into practice. This approach of 'teaching' also limits how things are done, because everyone follows the same format, you are already constrained in your expression through the instructions you are taught to follow. An interesting approach would be, for instance, to give children a task to do and to have each one have their own approach, their own perspective, their own style - and from there suggestions can be given in how things can be done more effectively for each individual student.
And so - for myself - every time I am faced with doing something new, I'll have this idea and perception that I can't do it, just because no-one has given me any instructions to follow. And within this, it is clear that I have very much defined self-trust in relation to knowledge - where 'I trust myself' means 'I am confident that I possess the knowledge in terms of how this is done and that I can effectively carry out the instructions contained within it' - lol - sounds quite robotic, right, lol. It's like I first need to be 'fed' a program or a script, so that I can just mindlessly follow the program or script in actual doing.
And, what I have found when I do push myself to just do it - just start somewhere, throw myself into the deep end - I can simply evaluate what I have done and from there, I can see for myself where I require to take a different approach, or where I can improve something and how to improve it in order to get a better result. And it is actually in those moments that self-trust comes in - because it is the seeing of what requires to change that is not based on knowledge or information that requires self-trust. Obviously, there is also always the point of being able to ask for assistance from someone who has already developed the particular skill or who has experience with the particular task to be able to specify one's own application - where, one can make one's own assessment and then ask another to share their perspective as well - and then the points can be merged and transformed into a plan for improvement.
And these attempts and try-outs don't have to be a dreadful thing - one determines this for oneself - when one can walk through the fear in breath and simply be here within and as the experiment, one can easily enjoy oneself - and even in making the assessment and making a plan for improvement. None of these points are inherently 'dreadful' or 'scary' or 'negative' - yet it's how we've often come to define them through our schooling experience - where it is strongly linked to 'not being good enough' or 'doing it wrong' or 'failing'.
So - here some perspective when one sees this pattern in oneself - to consider not placing trust in 'knowledge', but in and as ourselves - to simply walk here, in the moment from a starting-point of self-support. It's not about proving oneself to others and it's not about getting praise - it's about doing it for oneself and to discover who we are when we walk through our self-imposed limitations, fears and resistances!
To start this process, one can find support on http://lite.desteniiprocess.com, which is a free course where one is supported by a buddy - or one can go to http://forum.desteni.org where a group of people will welcome you and be ready to assist!
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Ever since the 'having a child point' opened up, I've been feeling like I am entering a new 'stage' or 'phase' in my life. Within that, I find that I'm wanting to 'design' this stage/phase in my life to be most effective. What came up in discussion with my partner is that the way in which I'm trying to 'design' the next stage/phase in my life is through using my past as a guide - where I'm in fact merely trying to design myself as the supreme character that would be able to handle the changes ahead best.
So, when my partner suggested that it is not to try to design the future/myself in the future - but to design the foundation within and as myself to be able to walk into each new moment in a way where I can trust myself to be able to direct myself/my life/my environment most effectively - I went *bzzt*, *blip*, *do not compute* - lol.
I've created such a habit throughout my life to, always, when there is change ahead - go into future projections to try to predict what could/might happen, and thus, who I must be/must be able to be to handle all the different possible futures. Within this - I would project my current character into a potential future and if I saw/found/felt that my current character would not be able to 'handle' this particular future - then I would look for particular individuals within my life/my past of which I think would be able to handle such a future - to then, try to identify what particular character of them it is that I find is suitable to handle the future - and therefore, try to integrate this character into mine - so that I can feel like I have an arsenal of weapons as characters available that I can activate/become when required to handle with a situation.
So - in essence - what I am working on is to design an arsenal of characters that can 'take over from me' in moments where I would feel inadequate to direct the situation. It is like, literally, giving over the reigns to a character, so that I don't actually have to take responsibility within such situation, but, instead, can take a step back and hide in my own fear of failure.
And the purpose/goal within this is to design a 'final character' of the 'Adult Maite' - lol - one that is flexible and consists of various different characters and aspects of characters so that in any situation - I can call upon the exact character/aspect of a character that I see would be best to handle/direct a particular situation.
So - lol - in essence I'm trying to design the ultimate 'AutoPilot' system so that I can just sit back and enjoy the ride - where I in essence don't have to do anything anymore - because everything would automatically be taken care of by the various characters that form part of my 'suppreme adult character'.
What I see within this in terms of bringing the point back to myself and looking at my relationship with myself - is that I feel/believe that I am limited in terms of the things that I can do/am able to handle/am able to direct - and that any challenge is a point where I freeze - where I hit what I perceive to be 'the boundary of my capabilities' and that to be able to take on the challenge - would require me to 'step out of myself'. And this experience - is what provides the justification of why a character should now step in to take on the challenge for me. It's like when watching scary movies as a child and I would sit on my father's lap - but when scary part comes - my dad had to cover my eyes. And the same with facing a challenge, I just hide in 'non-existence' - where I literally stand back within myself and allow a character to take over in the belief that I need something/someone else to face the challenge for me.
And what's fascinating to see is that this point is something I've been busy with/preparing for my entire life - every time expanding and specifying characters so that I can move/participate in this world in the apparently most effective way possible - at least - that's what it would look like from the outside - where on the surface, everything is peachy-perfect and all is under control - lol - without any consideration for what I would actually be experiencing within and as myself and for I would actually be accepting and allowing. Because what I accept and allow in myself finds expression in how this entire world operates. And - before everything was inverted - I could've gotten away with this. However, now - whatever I accept and allow manifests direct consequences in myself and my own life - and so, this entire plan comes crumbling down as being utterly ineffective - lol.
There is no way around self-responsibility - there is no way around self-expansion. Therefore, to walk self-responsibility and self-expansion most effectively, I require to redefine the word 'challenge' - so that when I encounter a challenge - it is not a sign for me to 'shut down' - but an indication that I have an opportunity here to break through self-imposed limitations and work towards expanding myself and perfecting myself - not expanding or perfecting a character - but ME - so that I can live my life - and so that I don't have my Life lived FOR me. If I don't live my own life - then by the time I die - I'll go 'No, but WAIT! I haven't even started living yet!' I really don't want to end up in that position...
To be continued.
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In my life, I've known several people who tended to be very impulsive. It's like they heard about or saw something new and then would 'delve into it' all the way - like they were on a mission. I used to enjoy seeing them do this, it was fascinating to me - because they just in one moment took a certain direction and stuck with it. At least for a while... Generally, they'd become disinterested and then their participation in that one point would just stop or water down - in the end, leaving things unfinished or not really accomplishing anything.
Within myself, in seeing people behave/act this way where they would just leave things hanging, I experienced disappointment. Because - within seeing individuals just jump into things without fear or hesitation, I created an experience of 'hope' within myself - that things can be different. Because, within myself, I was generally too afraid to just plunge into something new without first considering things or dipping my toes in the water. I was always cautious, controlling - but within that, I felt I wasn't really accomplishing anything 'sensational' - only things that were 'satisfactory'.
So - when I'd see another just immediately jumping in the deep end, I'd watch with hopeful and expectful eyes - and then in seeing the person just leave the point as suddenly as they took it on - I got disappointed. But not only disappointed, there was also an experience of anger - anger, because I blamed them for me feeling disappointed. And not only anger, but also a sense of 'betrayal' - lol - like 'you made it look like you were going to stick with this point all the way and now you didn't!' - lol. Instead of me taking action for myself and working through my fear, anxiety and desire for control - to be able to just express myself and allow myself to be passionate about things - and to allow myself to accomplish things that are sensational - instead of doing that, I would expect others to do it and let me 'ride on their wave of change'. Because also what would happen when people would engage in something new like that, they'd be excited and tell me about it - and so, I got to share in that excitement - and then when the point is left, that excitement stops, and so does my excitement stop.
And so, after a while, I developed a resentment towards impulsiveness - where those experiences of disappointment, anger, blame and betrayal would surface as soon as I'd see someone just suddenly being all over a certain point - because I'd think 'it's just another 'phase' and it would just end up going nowhere. And, what's more, is that I would interpret any decision made in a moment as an impulsive decision - thinking and believing that any decision that is made in the moment is a decision to which a person will not remain committed.
Within this, I've created a resistance towards decisions that are made in a moment - where I'll first take on an attitude of 'wait and see' - first wanting to establish whether this decision would be consistently lived and only then, would I consider joining in. Within the Desteni group, you'll find that decisions are always made in the moment - so, for instance, with the Journey to Life blogs - when this point was presented, suggesting that we'll, individually and together as a group, walk a process of posting a blog every day for 7 years. To me - this seemed like an 'impulsive' decision, when actually, it was just a spontaneous decision. So, what's the difference?
An impulsive decision is a decision made based on a thought, based on energy. Initially, when making the decision and implementing it, a reward is received in the form of positive energy. The thing is, this energy runs out after a while, or it starts to take more effort to generate the same amount of positive energy. When this happens, the motivation to stick with the decision slowly or not so slowly disappears and one no longer holds up one's commitment to the decision.
A spontaneous decision, on the other hand - is a decision that is made in the moment, not 'in the spur of the moment', but in the clarity of the moment. A moment where the decision stands clear as something that needs to be done or something one would like to commit to.
To be continued.
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This is a continuation to
Day 72: My Body, My Battlefield,
Day 73: Afraid of Petrification,
Day 74: Con or Be Conned - The Social Law of Human Behaviour?,
Day 76: The Mind as a Parasite Virus,
Day 77: When God Makes a Pact with the Devil Day 78: The Good Guys versus the Bad Guys
When and as I see myself reacting in fear due to projecting within my mind a scenery or situation in which I am experiencing petrification - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am experiencing fear, not because I actually fear that which I am projecting within my mind as the scenery/situation, where in essence the fear has got nothing to do with the scenery/situation, but that I am through the projection, bringing the experience of petrification that I project/imagine I would have in such a scenery/situation 'here' - and thus, I create the perception/idea/belief that my fear stands in relation to something else, when actually, I have merely superimposed my imagined/projected fear unto the here/now moment, and thus - creating an experience of fear. And thus, I commit myself to, in such a moment where when and as I see myself reacting in fear due to superimposing an imagined experience of petrification on the present moment, let go of the fear, stabilise myself through breathing and proceed in common sense.
When and as I see myself going into a fear of being conned or deceived - I stop, I breathe - I realise that we have played the game of 'con or be conned' for far too long and that participating within this fear will inevitably lead to deception from my part in order to 'protect' me from being conned - and therefore, I commit myself to let go of the fear, stabilise myself within my body in breath, embrace myself in self-trust and proceed with common sense.
When and as I see myself going into fear due to feeling that 'who I am' as all the judgments, perceptions, beliefs, opinions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, definitions, fears, perceptions in and of my mind is in some way being challenged and therefore, tend to go into a defensive/protective mode - I stop, I breathe - I realise that all the judgments, perceptions, beliefs, opinions, thougths, feelings, emotions, definitions, fears, perceptions in and of my mind are nothing but foreign entities that i have imposed upon myself as well as my physical body and thus, are not who I am and do not require my protection, but instead my scrutiny - and thus, I commit myself let go of the fear as well as whatever judgement, perception, belief, opinion, thought, feeling, emotion, definition, fear or perception that was being challenged - as it is only a figment of my imagination through the mind and not real.
When and as I see myself going into a fear of being taken over and losing control - I stop, I breathe - I realise that within and as the fear, I am actually giving my power away to that which I perceive is attempting to take over and control me, and within that - I am in fact giving that something/someone the permission to take over as, within the fear, I am stating that I am 'in fear' = inferior - and thus, unable to stop their attempt to take over/control me - and thus, I commit myself to place the something/someone that I see as a threat that is attempting to take me over/control me within and as me and embrace myself as equal and one as that something/someone - herein diffusing any ideas or perceptions of inferiority/superiority and thus, placing myself in a position where I am able to direct myself and determine and express what I accept and allow and what I don't accept and allow.
When and as I see myself victimising myself - I stop, I breathe - I realise that nothing can ever really be done unto me and that any harm something or someone else inflicts on me is only me self-created consequences as I left a space within myself or my life where I was not the directive principle and self-honesty, and thus gave the outside something/someone the permission and freedom to become the directive principle in my stead - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the victimisation and instead empower myself through taking responsibility by investigating the points I have missed/left undirected and becoming the directive principle within them.
When and as I see myself going into fear of vulnerability, fear of being fragile, fear of pain or fear of death - I stop, I breathe - I realise that the physical reality of being vulnerable, being fragile, possibly experiencing pain and certainly experiencing death sooner or later - are things that are currently inevitable and to which I can make no immediate difference - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the fear as the fear will not magically change the physical reality of vulnerability, fragility, pain and death - and thus, instead, I embrace the reality of vulnerability, fragility, possible pain and certain death, making peace with it and proceeding in self-silence.
When and as I see myself categorising people in the categories of 'good guys' and 'bad guys' - I stop, I breathe - I realise I am seeing people/he world in black and white as how I taught myself to see people/the world through watching cartoons in which some people are always entirely/purely good and some people are always entirely/purely evil - and thus, I stop myself from labeling people and seeing the world/people in black and white, and instead - place them within and as me, embracing them as me within the realisation that every human being is equally evil within accepting and allowing the exact same self-dishonesties to exist within them, which always include some form of harm and disregard to life - and that the only difference is that with some beings some types of dishonesties are more prominent and more obvious than with others and that some are able to hide and disguise their deceptions more easily - but that, in essence, everyone is the same - equal and one.
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be completely unaware of my physical body as I have no clue and direct experience of all the activities and existence of all the proteins, vitamins, cells, viruses, etc. that exist and move within my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my physical body to such an extent that I am completely 'locked out' of any direct experience and awareness of how my body operates on a cellular level.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a bubble/space within my mind where I experience some form of 'self-awareness' in absolute limitation - and accept this limited form of 'self-awareness' to be sufficient and all there is to be aware of.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to develop awareness of my body through knowledge - not realising that knowledge is merely information in my mind and has nothing to do with direct seeing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is impossible to be aware of every cell of my human body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse awareness with thoughts - thinking/believing that to be aware of each and every cell and each and every lifeform within each cell means that I would have millions of thoughts in relation to every cell and lifeform within my body - and then think that this would be too overwhelming and therefore, give up on expanding my self-awareness based on a thought.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear war breaking out from the moment I found out about wars in the past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - as soon as I imagined a war breaking out and me experiencing it - project an image of chaos, destruction, sceams, soldiers, gunfire, explosions and an experience of absolute petrification.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realise that I fear war because I connect war to fear/petrification and thus - I fear war because I fear fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear petrification and fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that someone may secretly intrude into my house or my room.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a lurking evil - because I imagine that the moment I become aware of the evil, I will react in intense fear/petrification - and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a lurking evil because I fear my own fear.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realise that I am afraid of my own experience.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that evil lurks within and as who I am in every single secret thought of dishonesty that dishonours life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a lurking evil amongst other lifeforms for as long as I am not 100% trustworthy to act in accordance to what is best for all in every single moment.
To be continued.
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When and as I see myself being 'absorbed' into TV-programs - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am I projecting myself into the experience of the characters that I see on the TV-screen, and thus, in essence, locking myself into a limited dimension in my own mind, and am no longer present, here in my physical body and my physical environment. And thus, I commit myself to focus on my breathing and bring myself back here, infusing myself back into my physical body and being aware of my physical environment - in essence, 'putting my feet back on Earth'.
When and as I see myself reacting in fear and panic because I see someone being hurt or dying on TV - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I have programmed myself to enter into a process of attempting to train myself to defend myself in a similar situation in an attempt to avoid the same harm if I were to find myself in that situation - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the fear and panic and ground myself in the physical hear, no longer participating in the GI Jane survival character.
When and as I see myself entering/being in a survival frame of mind - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am entering a kind of narrow-tunnel-vision/rushed experience in which I am actually relinquishing my common sense and attempt to 'solve' the problem or situation through if-this-then-that equations, thinking and believing that I can apply the same action in any similar situation - and thus, I realise that if I were to ever find myself in a dangerous situation, my action will depend on my consideration of everything and everyone that is involved within that singular particular moment - and cannot be predicted or rehearsed before hand. And thus, I commit myself to breathe and stabilise myself into my human physical body, embracing myself in self-trust and self-stability.
When and as I see myself participating in fear of pain and fear of death - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I will die and that there is currently nothing I can do about it - and thus, I commit myself to embrace this fact as I see/realise/understand that if I stand, even death cannot change me.
When and as I see myself thinking/believing that I can cheat death and desiring to cheat death - I stop, I breathe - I realise that the mind is the very reason why we cannot live in the same physical body eternally, and thus that participating in thoughts, beliefs, fears and desires in no way is going to help me avoid death. And thus, I commit myself to let go of the thought/belief/desire to cheat death and ground myself in my physical body here, realising that I am here at this very moment, and thus - that is all that matters.
When and as I see myself attempting/desiring to control my environment - I stop, I breathe - I realise that it is impossible to really be in control of my environment as this would imply the subjugation of my environment to me, and I realise that what I am actually trying to do is deluding/brainwashing myslef into believing that I actually am in control as a way of suppressing and not having to deal with my present situation. And thus, I let go of the fear, embrace myself as course and deliberately face myself through my environment head-on in self-honesty, self-trust and common sense.
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