This blog-post is a continuation to:

Day 131: Who Am I in a Group?
Day 132: Who Am I in a Group? Clashes of Cultures
Day 133: Who Am I in a Group? - Nothing Left but Memories
Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1
Day 135: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company Pt2
Day 136: Who Am I in a Group? Dancing with a Ghost
Day 137: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 1
Day 138: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 2 
Day 139: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt3


When and as I see myself participating in fear/anxiety/worry in relation to being introduced to a new group and not knowing what I will be experiencing, facing, be exposed to – I stop, I breathe – I realize that actually, that which I am afraid of is my own potential future reactions where I assume that I will not be able to direct myself within reactions - where this fear is based on memories in which I didn’t know how to direct myself within our without when experiencing inner turmoil as I did not yet have the tools to assist and support myself to do so – and so any scenario I would step into where I couldn’t predict exactly how I would experience myself/how I might react in moments, I started dreading – and so I commit myself to live self-trust in realizing that I am here, I have the tools and no matter what happens, whether I react or not, I am able to assist and support myself and expand myself through being in a new environment, with new individuals – allowing myself to open up and face points I might previously not have the opportunity to transcend.

When and as I see myself participating in the pattern of first keeping to the background in an observer-mode when introduced to a new group in order to be able to observe what kind of personalities are appreciated and accepted by others so that I am able to take on such a personality in order to be accepted in the group – I stop, I breathe – I realize that this pattern stems from a fear of not being accepted/being rejected and that within participating as a personality I am compromising who I am within the group as I am pretending to be someone I’m not, wherein I’ll later feel trapped in not knowing how to be myself without disappointing everyone else in no longer participating in a personality as well as creating guilt towards the others in the group for having participated within deception towards them from the very start – and so I commit myself to stop the fear of rejection and embrace myself within self-acceptance within the realization that it doesn’t affect me if another does not accept me and I push myself to participate as myself.

When and as I see myself separating myself creating the idea of a ‘group identity’ and ‘group feeling’ to which I assign either a positive or negative charge – I stop, I breathe – I realize that I am projecting my own experiences upon ‘the group’ wherein I believe that ‘the group’ is ‘making me feel’ a certain way or ‘giving me something’, when actually the ‘group’ is a collection of individuals and what each experiences within the group is about self and of self – and so I commit myself to bring back any energetic experiences that come up in relation to a group back to myself so that I can see how I am creating these experiences and can make the necessary alignments.

When and as I see myself changing myself in order to increase the likelihood of experiencing positive feelings within a group – I stop, I breathe – I realize that I am participating within the group based on energy, wherein my starting point for participating in the group is pure self-interest and where, eventually my experience will move to the opposite polarity of negative emotions as energy always moves between the poles – and so I commit myself to stop using groups for self-interested purposes of making me feel good about myself, but align my starting point to be me in self-honesty where I see how I am able to connect with other beings and develop relationships of mutual support.

When and as I see myself comparing a new or current group I am participating in to my experience of previous groups – I stop, I breathe – I realize that I am using my memories of participation in previous groups as a reference point for what will happen in the future, wherein I believe that what has happened before will happen again and that whatever has not happened before cannot happen – wherein I create the experiences of fear and hope within my participation in the group in reference to my previous experiences, thus not actually being here and participating directly, but instead I am influenced through these subtle experiences of hope and fear – and thus, I commit myself to let go of the past and realize that I created the past based on who I was in the past and I create what I experience in the present moment based on who I am in that moment, and so – to align myself within self-honesty to see what is real, what is relevant and walk accordingly.

When and as I see myself wanting to have a group last forever – I stop, I breathe – I realize that this stems from a pattern of participating in groups from a mind-experience starting point, wherein I would want my positive energetic experiences that I ascribed to the group to last forever and therefore would want the group to last forever - and so I commit myself to align who I am within the group in terms of what is supportive in self-honesty and clarify for myself what the purpose is for the group and to what extent the existence of the group is relevant or applicable, so that, if the group becomes irrelevant, I simply let go and move on. Learn more »

This blog-post is a continuation of 'Day 55: Today I Broke Up with my Ex'.

So - as I wrote in my previous blog, this particular relationship I had written about extensively already. Yet - there was still a feeling within me of the story between me and this guy is not over. I'm aware that this relationship represents a backdoor for me in my process, where I can see that if I were looking for an 'out', I would somehow use this relationship as a way to go back to my 'old life'. This particular relationship was a very intense one - primarily because we didn't fit well with each other - we were like opposites, had complete different interests and outlooks on life, the world, what's important and what's not - yet there was this very strong attraction and connection between us.

Recently I found an old diary of mine and I read an entry about a moment where we were together and where he had said that clearly I cannot live without him and he cannot live without me, but for the moment we both have to go and do our own thing.

For most of 'our story' we weren't actually in a relationship together - we were only officially together for 2 months - but afterwards kept on coming back to each other and separating again. So - the relationship was not clearly defined and we didn't particularly direct it. Every time we tried, we stumbled into disagreements that had us go separate ways again, yet we couldn't stay apart from each other for very long either, continuously falling for each other again.

This entry I read about was the last conversation I remember us having about our relationship. And, in that moment that he had said that we should go our separate ways for now and come together again later (which is not what he explicitly said, but what was implied), I had, within myself, agreed with him - and so, in that moment it's like I made a promise to myself and to him to some day get back to him and 'continue our story'.

So, in essence we never really broke up - lol - we placed a '...' behind our story instead of a full stop - and that's exactly what I experienced the last few years - even if I hadn't seen or spoken to him for years. So - when I read that entry I realised that that moment/conversation was the origin-point of the entire experience, because there still existed a 'plan' within myself of going back to him.

Then I placed the question in front of me again: Do I want to go back to him at some point and be in a relationship with him - is that what I want to do with my life? And the answer was no. So - I did my writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements again to clear the point within myself.

A few days ago I realised that the point was not entirely cleared up. So, I looked at the point and decided to communicate this with him. Actually, when I had read the entry and realised this whole point, my first instinct was to communicate with him and make it clear that I am not going to come back to him. But, I figured that the point is about me, not him and that it was a matter of clearing it up within myself. And throughout my process I have had many moments where I contemplated speaking to him to clear up everything between us and create a 'proper' ending to the relationship. But every time I changed my mind and decided to just work on the points within myself. So - in noticing that the point was still not cleared up I looked at it again and realised that the one thing I haven't done yet is speak to him about it and so I decided to just do it.

He had been a part of that moment where I not only made a commitment to myself, but also towards him and so this particular point concerns him as well. And also - in case this point is also running within him and affecting his life, it could maybe assist him to move on as well. So, it's a matter of taking responsibility for the part I played within that moment of agreeing with him and not directing the relationship in clarity.

So - I wrote out the point to him and sent it to him yesterday. After I pressed 'send' I felt a huge relief within myself and I was completely empty and silent within myself.

After a few moments, though, I noticed an anxiety - and the point that's still not entirely clear within me is whether or not I 'should've' communicated it with him - because previously whenever I would want to communicate with him to direct a point, it was mostly a diversion to not actually deal with the point within myself - but to 'talk to him' as though that was going to magically release the point within me. So, this point I will write about in tomorrow's blog!

Related articles

• Day 55: Today I Broke Up with my Ex
• Day 136: Insight self corrective statements
• Trust your Inner Voice - Part 2: DAY 118
• Day 85: Manipulation Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Yes, I KNOW!!! - Part 1: DAY 147

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