This blog-post is a continuation to Day 55: Letting Go of an Old Flame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I did something wrong in contacting J.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am kidding myself within making the decision to contact J like there is no way that this could be the point that was missing from my application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about right and wrong in relation to the decision I made and action of contaction of contacting J to create a clear ending to the relationship - instead of realising that this is what I saw in the moment and if there are any points that I missed, then I will face the points as I am faced with the consequences - and within facing the consequences, I will take responsibility and learn from the mistake.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to test something unconditionally, but want to be sure/certain of the outcome beforehand.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself when assessing that there are no points I see I can address in writing and self-forgiveness at this stage and thus, that an action as communicating with J might be what is missing from my application as the one thing I have resisted doing from the start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare this point of communication with J to the other moments in my process where I considered communicating with him, where the other times I realised the starting point was self-dishonest, and therefore assumed that this time it must be self-dishonest as well - immediately prefering to believe that I fucked up instead of giving myself the benefit of the doubt and simply see what happens/what points come up and work through them as they are revealed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am trying to 'fix' myself through someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am being self-dishonest and thus, fear my own self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my self-dishonest, and thus, fear myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to get to know myself in every possible detail and ensuring that what I get to know of myself is always aligned to oneness and equality as what is best for all - so that I can enjoy myself, trust myself and stand as myself absolutely - without having to constantly second-guess myself because of fearing that I have some secretly hidden agenda.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have blinded myself from my own self-dishonesties because of not wanting to face myself - resulting now in the constant experience of not being able to trust myself, because I am not aware of myself as the entirety of who I am and constantly fear that there is a self-interested motivation lurking behind my actions in the dark corners of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self-dishonesties.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and designed myself in such a way that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin - because I simply don't know who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear regretting my decision to contact/communicate with J.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that I made a mistake in contacting/communicating with J and project myself into the future experiencing the regret I would feel if I were to realise I had made a mistake - but because of the future projection, already bring the regret here, in this moment - and thus, 'confirming' within myself the idea that I did indeed make a mistake - because 'I am already regretting my decision'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'what if i did something wrong?'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to face possible consequential out-flows of my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for possible consequential out-flows and their origin-points.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that within communicating with J I was taking responsibiilty for a consequential outflow and its origin-point!

When and as I see myself doubting my actions, I stop, I breathe. I realise that I cannot know the outcome of my actions beforehand and that if my starting point was indeed not clear, then I will see it within the manifested consequences. And thus, I commit myself to unconditionally test things without the desire of having absolute certainty of the outcome before I have done it and I commit myself to accept that I will make mistakes and that when I see/realise that I have made a mistake, I can and will learn from them.

When and as I see myself thinking that I may have done something wrong, I stop, I breathe. I realise that I am accessing the morality and judgment character where I attempt to place my action in a box of either 'right' or 'wrong' - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the want/desire to judge my actions and simply see it for what it is - without trying/attempting to predict the future in terms of consequences I may be facing as a way of trying/attempting to prepare myself for facing a future consequence.

When and as I see myself regretting a decision I have made/action I have taken because I have doubts about whether or not the decision/action was self-honest - I stop, I breathe - I realise I am accessing the control character and am trying to make sure that I will have no unpleasant aftertaste of this decision - and that, I have really just projected myself into the future in playing out the worst case scenario and brought the expeirence of regret that I would experience in such a scenario here, and accepted it as being real. Therefore, I commit myself to let go of the experience of regret and don't allow myself to accept it as real/validate the experience of regret within myself - but instead stay in the moment and walk one breath at a time - without anticipating any future moment, but remaining in the present moment and 'concerning' myself only with what is here right now.

When and as I see myself fearing the future as facing consequences of self-dishonesties - I stop, I breathe. I realise that the manifestation of consequences is a necessary point within process as we do not know the entirety of ourselves and thus - within facing consequences we reveal a part of ourselves that was hidden before, allowing us to find all pieces of ourselves that we have hidden and separated ourselves from and aligning them to oneness and equality as what is best for all. And thus, I commit myself to let go of the fear of the future and the fear of facing consequences and accept that I am walking a process of learning, where I can only act within the information that is available to me in the present moment - and thus, I commit myself to stop expecting perfection of myself when I know that that is a premature demand at this stage in my process, as I am aware that there are still parts/aspects of myself that I have not yet explored/seen/aligned.

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This blog-post is a continuation of 'Day 55: Today I Broke Up with my Ex'.

So - as I wrote in my previous blog, this particular relationship I had written about extensively already. Yet - there was still a feeling within me of the story between me and this guy is not over. I'm aware that this relationship represents a backdoor for me in my process, where I can see that if I were looking for an 'out', I would somehow use this relationship as a way to go back to my 'old life'. This particular relationship was a very intense one - primarily because we didn't fit well with each other - we were like opposites, had complete different interests and outlooks on life, the world, what's important and what's not - yet there was this very strong attraction and connection between us.

Recently I found an old diary of mine and I read an entry about a moment where we were together and where he had said that clearly I cannot live without him and he cannot live without me, but for the moment we both have to go and do our own thing.

For most of 'our story' we weren't actually in a relationship together - we were only officially together for 2 months - but afterwards kept on coming back to each other and separating again. So - the relationship was not clearly defined and we didn't particularly direct it. Every time we tried, we stumbled into disagreements that had us go separate ways again, yet we couldn't stay apart from each other for very long either, continuously falling for each other again.

This entry I read about was the last conversation I remember us having about our relationship. And, in that moment that he had said that we should go our separate ways for now and come together again later (which is not what he explicitly said, but what was implied), I had, within myself, agreed with him - and so, in that moment it's like I made a promise to myself and to him to some day get back to him and 'continue our story'.

So, in essence we never really broke up - lol - we placed a '...' behind our story instead of a full stop - and that's exactly what I experienced the last few years - even if I hadn't seen or spoken to him for years. So - when I read that entry I realised that that moment/conversation was the origin-point of the entire experience, because there still existed a 'plan' within myself of going back to him.

Then I placed the question in front of me again: Do I want to go back to him at some point and be in a relationship with him - is that what I want to do with my life? And the answer was no. So - I did my writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements again to clear the point within myself.

A few days ago I realised that the point was not entirely cleared up. So, I looked at the point and decided to communicate this with him. Actually, when I had read the entry and realised this whole point, my first instinct was to communicate with him and make it clear that I am not going to come back to him. But, I figured that the point is about me, not him and that it was a matter of clearing it up within myself. And throughout my process I have had many moments where I contemplated speaking to him to clear up everything between us and create a 'proper' ending to the relationship. But every time I changed my mind and decided to just work on the points within myself. So - in noticing that the point was still not cleared up I looked at it again and realised that the one thing I haven't done yet is speak to him about it and so I decided to just do it.

He had been a part of that moment where I not only made a commitment to myself, but also towards him and so this particular point concerns him as well. And also - in case this point is also running within him and affecting his life, it could maybe assist him to move on as well. So, it's a matter of taking responsibility for the part I played within that moment of agreeing with him and not directing the relationship in clarity.

So - I wrote out the point to him and sent it to him yesterday. After I pressed 'send' I felt a huge relief within myself and I was completely empty and silent within myself.

After a few moments, though, I noticed an anxiety - and the point that's still not entirely clear within me is whether or not I 'should've' communicated it with him - because previously whenever I would want to communicate with him to direct a point, it was mostly a diversion to not actually deal with the point within myself - but to 'talk to him' as though that was going to magically release the point within me. So, this point I will write about in tomorrow's blog!

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