Day 33: Wanting to be the Star Pupil

This blog is a continuation of: Day 30: Goodness as Positivity, Day 31: You're My HERO!!! and Day 32: Consistency - continuing to purify the word 'Good'.

In my mind, I associate the word 'Good' with: 

Having High Grades in School

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘good’ within having high grades in school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I score high grades in school, that I actually am a better person.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept my common sense as a child when I saw that it can’t make me special or different that I have high scores, because I just simply understood everything and, thus, I didn’t do anything different or better than other kids per say – the only difference is that I just happened to understand the information as it was presented to me and others didn’t – yet, instead allowed myself to feel good and better aboutmyself when my parents and brother were amazed with my grades to the point of being in tears when seeing my school report.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am in relation to grades – entirely taking grades personally, where I believed that grades represent me, instead of realising that they merely represented how much of the information was effectively integrated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a character of being a star pupil because in playing this card/playing out this character, I was always ensured to get a lot of praise and attention, which in those moments would make me feel good about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my ability to understand with ease to get attention, praise and positive energy from those who don’t have the same ability – when obviously, I didn’t do anything to have this ability, I was born with it, and thus it doesn’t make any sense for someone with certain ‘born-with’ skills or abilities to be praised for those skills or abilities – because it doesn’t have anything to do with the being – it was determined through DNA.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself believe that Ireally do deserve to be praised and admired for having high grades, believing that my ability in understanding and processing information is something I brought about, instead of realising that I had nothing to do with it and that I am thus no more or less than anyone else in this respect, as we were all equally dealt cards by someone/something else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the star pupil character in order to hide the aspects of/in myself that I was not proud of – because in playing the star pupil, I would be praised and be given a sense of pride, to suppress my inner experiences of shame, guilt and regret.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, whenever I am faced with a being that I see as authoritative, enter into the ‘star pupil character’, trying to convince them that I always do everything right, out of fear that they will punish me/lash out on me if they see that I really don’t.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condition myself into wanting to have high grades, because with high grades comes reward and with low grades comes punishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have extreme fear of being punished as a child as I saw that teachers/parents really looked at children they punished with eyes that said: “You’re a bad child!!!”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel utterly ashamed within myself the first time I got punished by a teacher for spilling salt – because I thought it meant that I was a bad child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in relation to punishment and reward, and thus, in essence, according to how others judgeme in relation to what I do/say or how I perform.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be seen as a bad child and to fear to be a bad child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be seen as a bad person and fear to be a bad person.