Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Day 147: A Memory, a Trigger Word
The memory that came up was quite a ‘significant one’ – meaning: a memory that I have been working with for quite some time or that has come up several times in my process and each time there are different points revealed from/of it. And so, here again, lol.
This memory stands in relation to my relationship with a particular person that I was not on good terms with. I experienced this person as judgmental, unfair and brutal. Needless to say that over time, I accumulated a vast amount of reactions and resentment towards this particular person, but I would never voice them – I would brood and curse in silence and complain about the person to others. Now, within this memory – I was having a discussion with my mother and we were not agreeing on something. This other person was present as well and at some point started shouting and ranting at me – I cannot remember all that was said – but one particular point I remember very clearly – these were the words that triggered my reactions to ‘shoot through the roof’, smash the plate I was holding onto the kitchen floor, shout that I’ve had enough at the top of my lungs and get into a huge fight.
Now – those particular words that were said that triggered my reactions to go through the roof – I had always remembered them, but I hadn’t placed any importance on why I was remembering these words or even why these words had such an impact in terms of the intensity of my reactions increasing so extensively. The words were ‘you think you’re the queen and everyone must just bow for you’ – lol. So, in writing my previous blog about how I experience the prideful character as being a queen on a throne within myself and any time someone gives ‘praise’ it is like a person bowing before the queen and how this relationship to praise had become like an addiction within myself – in ‘needing people to praise me’ – I could suddenly why these words that were spoken in that moment would have such a big impact – because they were striking at the heart of the prideful character that I had become, lived and embodied totally and completely by that age.
It is fascinating – every time I would remember these words I would think ‘that just shows how little this person knew and understood me, if that’s how they see me – a queen who wants everyone to bow for her’ – because on a conscious level and how I would interact with people on a conscious level, I did not at all see myself this way, let alone want to be seen this way – but on a deeper level, these words summarized a very large aspect of who I was accepting and allowing myself to be and exist as.
Herein – I remember very clearly how the word ‘queen’ within what he said, was the one word in relation to which I allowed a flood of reactions to surge up inside me – showing that this is a word that is polarized within and as me – holding both positive and negative charges.
So, I’ll write a bit more on the polarization of the word ‘queen’ in my next post. Learn more »
Day 75: How Gossip can Ruin Your Life
If you're at the stage in your life where you're being 'introduced' to gossip - whether you're doing or whether you're being gossiped about, this interview is something you should listen to. If you've started gossiping yourself, the interview will show you exactly what you're in for and what chances you're taking with your life and your future. If you have any hopes within yourself to live a meaningful life, where you are fulfilled and able to connect with other people, share real and intimate moments with them - then you should reconsider gossiping about other people and the interview will explain why.
If - on the other hand, you find yourself being gossiped about - this interview will give you insight into why people gossip and how it's got nothing to do with you. So - to prevent yourself from shaping who you are in terms of what other peopl say about you - listen to this interview - it may change the further course of your life.
Gossip is never innocent and has many consequences - but we have an opportunity to educate ourselves on human behaviour so that we can take responsibility for it, for ourselves, for our lives and stop the harm that is being done through things like gossiping. Whether gossip is an acceptable part of human social life can be easily tested: you don't like being gossiped about - no one likes being gossiped about - we wouldn't want our child to come home crying because someone was gossiping about them, right? Then that's our answer.
Invest in a better life at EQAFE: http://eqafe.com/p/life-review-facing-gossip
Day 56: Letting Go of an Old Flame
So - as I wrote in my previous blog, this particular relationship I had written about extensively already. Yet - there was still a feeling within me of the story between me and this guy is not over. I'm aware that this relationship represents a backdoor for me in my process, where I can see that if I were looking for an 'out', I would somehow use this relationship as a way to go back to my 'old life'. This particular relationship was a very intense one - primarily because we didn't fit well with each other - we were like opposites, had complete different interests and outlooks on life, the world, what's important and what's not - yet there was this very strong attraction and connection between us.
Recently I found an old diary of mine and I read an entry about a moment where we were together and where he had said that clearly I cannot live without him and he cannot live without me, but for the moment we both have to go and do our own thing.
For most of 'our story' we weren't actually in a relationship together - we were only officially together for 2 months - but afterwards kept on coming back to each other and separating again. So - the relationship was not clearly defined and we didn't particularly direct it. Every time we tried, we stumbled into disagreements that had us go separate ways again, yet we couldn't stay apart from each other for very long either, continuously falling for each other again.
This entry I read about was the last conversation I remember us having about our relationship. And, in that moment that he had said that we should go our separate ways for now and come together again later (which is not what he explicitly said, but what was implied), I had, within myself, agreed with him - and so, in that moment it's like I made a promise to myself and to him to some day get back to him and 'continue our story'.
So, in essence we never really broke up - lol - we placed a '...' behind our story instead of a full stop - and that's exactly what I experienced the last few years - even if I hadn't seen or spoken to him for years. So - when I read that entry I realised that that moment/conversation was the origin-point of the entire experience, because there still existed a 'plan' within myself of going back to him.
Then I placed the question in front of me again: Do I want to go back to him at some point and be in a relationship with him - is that what I want to do with my life? And the answer was no. So - I did my writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements again to clear the point within myself.
A few days ago I realised that the point was not entirely cleared up. So, I looked at the point and decided to communicate this with him. Actually, when I had read the entry and realised this whole point, my first instinct was to communicate with him and make it clear that I am not going to come back to him. But, I figured that the point is about me, not him and that it was a matter of clearing it up within myself. And throughout my process I have had many moments where I contemplated speaking to him to clear up everything between us and create a 'proper' ending to the relationship. But every time I changed my mind and decided to just work on the points within myself. So - in noticing that the point was still not cleared up I looked at it again and realised that the one thing I haven't done yet is speak to him about it and so I decided to just do it.
He had been a part of that moment where I not only made a commitment to myself, but also towards him and so this particular point concerns him as well. And also - in case this point is also running within him and affecting his life, it could maybe assist him to move on as well. So, it's a matter of taking responsibility for the part I played within that moment of agreeing with him and not directing the relationship in clarity.
So - I wrote out the point to him and sent it to him yesterday. After I pressed 'send' I felt a huge relief within myself and I was completely empty and silent within myself.
After a few moments, though, I noticed an anxiety - and the point that's still not entirely clear within me is whether or not I 'should've' communicated it with him - because previously whenever I would want to communicate with him to direct a point, it was mostly a diversion to not actually deal with the point within myself - but to 'talk to him' as though that was going to magically release the point within me. So, this point I will write about in tomorrow's blog!
Day 37: The Secret to a Successful Life!
Day 30: Goodness as Positivity,
Day 31: You're My HERO!!!
Day 32: Consistency and
Day 33: Wanting to be the Star Pupil
Day 34: Make a Happy Family
Day 35:Don't Act like Lady Gaga - Act like a Real Lady!
Day 36: Join JESUS on The CROSS -What?! WHY?!?
- continuing to purify the word 'Good'.
In my mind, I have connected the word 'good' to:
Leading a Successful Life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘good’ within and as being successful in life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define goodness within success.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my success within and as being successful in love, friendship, career and studies.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in order to be a good person I have to meet certain criteria and that these criteria include: finding good boyfriends/a good husband, having many good friends, having a career in which I make a lot of money and having good grades in school, passing everything from the first time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define goodness in terms of achievement , and specifically, that I have to be able to show great achievements in terms of relationships, friendships, a career and studies.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I ‘have something to show for myself’ in terms of relationships, friendships, career and studies.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined my value-system in relation to what I saw other people in my environment value – thereby copying their beliefs in terms of what is apparently important in life – such as relationships, friendships, a career and studies.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define life itself in terms of establishing and developing relationships, friendships, a career and good grades.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself in terms of how the system values a person – in terms of the extent in which one integrates into the system and into their own mind consciousness system , in creating one’s life/environment in such a way that one is ‘trapped’ into their mind consciousness system with minimal opportunity for self-realisation. Learn more »
AGREEMENTS – What did you Agree on?
When starting an agreement with someone, understand that it is important to specify what it is that your agreement consists of – meaning: the term ‘agreement’ stems from the fact that two beings are agreeing on something. So, when you enter an agreement with someone, specify, out-loud or on paper what it is that you are both agreeing on – and obviously make sure that both are clear on the points and that both agree!
To simply say ‘we are in an agreement’ without having actually explicitly agreed on anything, leaves a gaping door open to fall into relationship-patterns.
Remember that relationships are actually also agreements. Though, the agreement that exists between two beings in a relationship is a ‘silent’/’hidden’ agreement – whereby both partners agree to support each others’ dishonesties, to accept any crap of each other in the name of the relationship, to try and make each other ‘feel good’ and that if someone doesn’t ‘feel good’ in the relationship, the relationship ends, and so on and so forth.
Why do I say that if you don’t specify what you agree on when entering an agreement, you're opening a door to fall into relationship-patterns? Because we’ve never done agreements before. All we’ve ever known, all we’ve ever participated in, is relationships. This practically means that when you enter an agreement – you have no idea what’s waiting for you, you have no idea what’s going to happen, how you will be, how the other will be, what your experience within it will be, what you will discover, etc. Now, when we face a point of the ‘unknown’, what the mind does, is take information from the past and use that as a basis from which to act. And because – from the mind’s perspective – relationships are the closes thing you can find to agreements, you’ll use your experience of relationships as a guideline to act within your agreement – whether on a conscious, subconscious or unconscious level.
Therefore – when you enter an agreement, make sure that you script your own guideline to fall back on. That is what ‘the agreement’ is – it is a principle you both agree to stand by and commit yourself to – and within that, it is your guideline that you will fall back on, in moments where you experience doubts in relation to what to do, how to be, how to assist the other being, what to express, etc. So that, instead of ‘grabbing back’ to past relationship experiences to ‘tell you what to do’ – you’ll be able to assess the situation you’re in and see how you’re able to apply your agreement within this particular situation.
Now – understand that your verbal agreement is your guideline and it will assist you within sticking to the principles, instead of following past relationship-patterns. However, it is not a guarantee. I’d say: I would be surprised if anyone enters an agreement and never falls into relationship patterns. Why? Because that is one of the major points you face in agreements: your relationship-patterns – they WILL come up. They actually have to – otherwise, how are you going to face them?
Therefore, don’t try and ‘fight’ that point as in trying to prevent it from happening, having you become all ‘stiffened up’ inside because of fear of making a mistake and ‘fucking things up’ and ‘being dishonest’. You probably will at some point say: Fuck! what are we doing? We’ve manifested a relationship here, we’ve created relationship connections and definitions where we’ve defined parts of ourselves within each other and we’re playing out past relationship patterns!
When that happens – breathe – then remember your agreement, your explicit, verbal agreement and see how you’re able to apply it within this particular situation.
See – when I came at this point: I freaked. I realised I had manifested a relationship and I decided to therefore end the agreement. Because – from my perspective it was not an agreement anymore, it was a relationship – therefore it was not valid, therefore it had to end.
So – I went through the break-up/withdrawal experience and did my self-forgiveness. All this time, LJ – my agreement-partner – kept doing what he’d always do: he’d check on me, we’d talk, he gave suggestions, etc. So – after a while, once I had cleared myself of the emotional turmoil and the relationship-connection, I looked at the situation again, and I saw that – in terms of how we were participating with each other, it was the same as before I had created the whole relationship-connection. So – I then realised that I hadn’t ended the agreement, I had ended the relationship. Because – in terms of what we had agreed upon, we were both still committed to the same points and LJ had throughout this experience, applied exactly what he had agreed to do when we entered the agreement.
So – when you realise that you’ve manifested a relationship or that you’re playing out relationship-patterns – stop, breathe – don’t assume that you now have to ‘break-up’ and ‘end the agreement’. (‘End the agreement’ – interesting, I’ll get to that later.) Instead – when you see you've manifested a relationship construct – face it. Do your forgiveness, discuss everything with each other in specificity, clear yourself of the construct, apply the corrections and walk from there.
To ‘end the agreement’, in essence, is impossible. If your agreement was made from the starting point of self-honesty within both partners – then that agreement stands, no matter what. It is done. So – when you’ve for a moment ‘lost yourself’ within a point of self-dishonesty and separation – remind yourself of your initial agreement – because that is your point of self-honesty. Therefore, it is the key to ‘bringing yourself back’ to that point of self-honesty within yourself.
If you come to a point within your agreement where you end up actually splitting up and ‘ending the agreement’ – then that means that your initial, explicit agreement – from at least one of the partners – was not self-honest. If an agreement ends, it was a deception from the start.
So – that’s why I suggest that when you enter an agreement, you take a moment to verbally speak out or write out what it is that you’re agreeing on, that you make sure both parties are clear on all points and that you’re both self-honest within the starting point of entering the agreement. If those points are applied, then everything else… – well, I wouldn’t say that things get ‘easier’ – you still have to face yourself – though, within the midst of the storm, you’ll have an anchor that’ll keep you from drifting off too far. Learn more »
To simply say ‘we are in an agreement’ without having actually explicitly agreed on anything, leaves a gaping door open to fall into relationship-patterns.
Why do I say that if you don’t specify what you agree on when entering an agreement, you're opening a door to fall into relationship-patterns? Because we’ve never done agreements before. All we’ve ever known, all we’ve ever participated in, is relationships. This practically means that when you enter an agreement – you have no idea what’s waiting for you, you have no idea what’s going to happen, how you will be, how the other will be, what your experience within it will be, what you will discover, etc. Now, when we face a point of the ‘unknown’, what the mind does, is take information from the past and use that as a basis from which to act. And because – from the mind’s perspective – relationships are the closes thing you can find to agreements, you’ll use your experience of relationships as a guideline to act within your agreement – whether on a conscious, subconscious or unconscious level.
Therefore – when you enter an agreement, make sure that you script your own guideline to fall back on. That is what ‘the agreement’ is – it is a principle you both agree to stand by and commit yourself to – and within that, it is your guideline that you will fall back on, in moments where you experience doubts in relation to what to do, how to be, how to assist the other being, what to express, etc. So that, instead of ‘grabbing back’ to past relationship experiences to ‘tell you what to do’ – you’ll be able to assess the situation you’re in and see how you’re able to apply your agreement within this particular situation.
Now – understand that your verbal agreement is your guideline and it will assist you within sticking to the principles, instead of following past relationship-patterns. However, it is not a guarantee. I’d say: I would be surprised if anyone enters an agreement and never falls into relationship patterns. Why? Because that is one of the major points you face in agreements: your relationship-patterns – they WILL come up. They actually have to – otherwise, how are you going to face them?
Therefore, don’t try and ‘fight’ that point as in trying to prevent it from happening, having you become all ‘stiffened up’ inside because of fear of making a mistake and ‘fucking things up’ and ‘being dishonest’. You probably will at some point say: Fuck! what are we doing? We’ve manifested a relationship here, we’ve created relationship connections and definitions where we’ve defined parts of ourselves within each other and we’re playing out past relationship patterns!
When that happens – breathe – then remember your agreement, your explicit, verbal agreement and see how you’re able to apply it within this particular situation.
See – when I came at this point: I freaked. I realised I had manifested a relationship and I decided to therefore end the agreement. Because – from my perspective it was not an agreement anymore, it was a relationship – therefore it was not valid, therefore it had to end.
So – I went through the break-up/withdrawal experience and did my self-forgiveness. All this time, LJ – my agreement-partner – kept doing what he’d always do: he’d check on me, we’d talk, he gave suggestions, etc. So – after a while, once I had cleared myself of the emotional turmoil and the relationship-connection, I looked at the situation again, and I saw that – in terms of how we were participating with each other, it was the same as before I had created the whole relationship-connection. So – I then realised that I hadn’t ended the agreement, I had ended the relationship. Because – in terms of what we had agreed upon, we were both still committed to the same points and LJ had throughout this experience, applied exactly what he had agreed to do when we entered the agreement.
So – when you realise that you’ve manifested a relationship or that you’re playing out relationship-patterns – stop, breathe – don’t assume that you now have to ‘break-up’ and ‘end the agreement’. (‘End the agreement’ – interesting, I’ll get to that later.) Instead – when you see you've manifested a relationship construct – face it. Do your forgiveness, discuss everything with each other in specificity, clear yourself of the construct, apply the corrections and walk from there.
To ‘end the agreement’, in essence, is impossible. If your agreement was made from the starting point of self-honesty within both partners – then that agreement stands, no matter what. It is done. So – when you’ve for a moment ‘lost yourself’ within a point of self-dishonesty and separation – remind yourself of your initial agreement – because that is your point of self-honesty. Therefore, it is the key to ‘bringing yourself back’ to that point of self-honesty within yourself.
If you come to a point within your agreement where you end up actually splitting up and ‘ending the agreement’ – then that means that your initial, explicit agreement – from at least one of the partners – was not self-honest. If an agreement ends, it was a deception from the start.
So – that’s why I suggest that when you enter an agreement, you take a moment to verbally speak out or write out what it is that you’re agreeing on, that you make sure both parties are clear on all points and that you’re both self-honest within the starting point of entering the agreement. If those points are applied, then everything else… – well, I wouldn’t say that things get ‘easier’ – you still have to face yourself – though, within the midst of the storm, you’ll have an anchor that’ll keep you from drifting off too far. Learn more »
Self Comes Forth within Agreement
Comfort as how it is lived and experienced in this world is as a 'hiding' from pain. Comfort always occurs After something unpleasant has happened to you and then someone comes to comfort you. Comfort – Come into my fort – Come here, I will comfort you, I will create an apparent fort around you, where you can pretend that you are safe and secure from whatever it is you're hiding from. In that, you can suppress your experience so that it feels like it is now 'gone'.
This definition and application of the word 'comfort' is quite problematic – as all that happens is a suppression of what you are experiencing. And – in a way this is obvious, because – most of the time – what you are actually trying to hide and run away from, is yourself, your own inner experiences. No fort is going to keep you safe from yourself… so all that you 'can' do – apparently – is to suppress your inner emotions so that they are gone and you are now 'safe'.
In those moments, where you seek comfort from someone – what is usually the experience? It is an experience of inner turmoil and it is like this inner turmoil has 'taken over' inside yourself. And all you can do is just be that turmoil and cry as the turmoil and worry with the turmoil and think about the turmoil and it is like a storm that doesn't stop and the only way you know for the storm to stop is to have someone else step in and comfort you.
In that storm, in that inner turmoil – it is like you have lost yourself.
So – what is the alternative? How can you stop the storm without having someone comfort you and suppressing the entire experience? Because – common sense – if the experience is suppressed, it means it is not gone at all – it is merely suppressed. You don't feel it anymore, but it's still there, lurking in the depths and the shadows of yourself. And with any next opportunity, when you are off-guard, it will just come storming back in, taking you over, all over again.
The alternative is for you to – from within the storm – stand up. This is done through applying self-forgiveness, breathing and self-corrective statements. As you apply these tools, you will see that the storm clears – and you come forth. When self comes forth – that must be… self-comfort.
Instead of being comforted by someone saying 'come into my fort' where you can try to hide from the storm inside yourself – you comfort yourself; allowing yourself to Come Forth through applying the tools of breathing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.
This new perspective on the word 'comfort' is also applicable in relation to the words 'comfortable' and 'comfortability'. Because – when you say that you are comfortable in the presence of a particular being, do you not mean that you are able to be yourself? That you feel that you are able to share things with this person that you would not normally share? So – you are comfort-able – able to come forth as who you are. Eventually, you want to be able to be here as who you are no matter what – though, initially, you will find that you feel comfortable only around certain beings.
In terms of an agreement partner – that comfortability is what you are looking for – someone where you are able to come forth – where you feel like you can share things that you would not normally share, where there is no pressure to be anything else than just you. This point of comfortability is signalling to you that there is potential for an agreement here.
If you find an agreement partner and both of you have decided to walk together – you will find moments where you are no longer comfortable, where you want to hide from the other, where you want to run away from the person, where you want to 'appear better' to the person, etc. This does not mean that your agreement is now invalid and that you have to break up. It simply means that you're facing a particular point. Then, it is to push yourself to communicate with the other being, push yourself back to that point of comfort. Stand up – come forth.
If you keep on applying this point, if you keep on pushing for that point of self-comfortability within agreement – you will see that it becomes much easier for you to be comfortable around other beings as well. What are agreements, but a training ground in realising your equality and oneness to and as other beings? So – remember that it is not because you are comfortable in the presence of a particular being, that this comfortability will remain unchanged if you decide to walk an agreement together. Your comfortability is a starting-point. As you walk together and go through all kinds of experiences that are being triggered and you suddenly realise that you're not at all comfortable with your agreement partner anymore – that's when you want to go back to your starting-point. Because if you continue as you are, where you are in each other's presence, but not actually present as you with the other – you'll each move into separate directions, individually and communication will become more and more problematic.
So – go back to your starting-point, meaning: push for that point of open communication. Share what it is that you're experiencing, despite feeling uncomfortable about it. And as you talk with each other, and openly share what each one has been experiencing, you're placing yourself back as the starting-point of comfortability. This means that you're both present again, here, together – and able to direct the particular point that caused you to become uncomfortable around each other in the first place. Learn more »
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