Day 137: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 1

This blog-post is a continuation to:

Day 131: Who Am I in a Group?
Day 132: Who Am I in a Group? Clashes of Cultures
Day 133: Who Am I in a Group? - Nothing Left but Memories
Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1
Day 135: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company Pt2
Day 136: Who Am I in a Group? Dancing with a Ghost

Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as soon as I am beginning to be introduced to a new group – immediately try to define ‘my place’ in the group and my role/position/status in the group based on others’ behaviors, responses, looks, etc. – instead of realizing that – what they are experiencing is about them, not about me – this group is a group of individuals that has been created for some purpose or reason to do something together, but within that, each individual is equal to each other individual and there is no need to try to establish a social pecking order or try to find/define my position/role/status within the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be shy around strangers and to believe in those moments that ‘who I am is shy’ – and that I cannot be anything but shy in such a moment of being faced with strangers.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the primary reason for why I experienced shyness around strangers, was the thought and the fear ‘what if they don’t like me?’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, whenever I am faced with strangers, ask myself the question ‘what if they don’t like me?’ and within asking myself this question, access anxiety and fear of not being accepted within myself - as well as fear of being ridiculed and rejected – where, within such a moment, within running through such a ‘what if’ scenario very fast within my mind – I experience within myself in that moment the embarrassment of being ridiculed/rejected by these strangers – which then manifests as shyness in that moment – because I feel I have things to be embarrassed about and hence I should apparently be ‘on guard’ and not feel comfortable, but rather hide myself in the shadows as much as possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when being introduced to a new group, first always keep my distance in terms of keeping to myself and not only interacting with one person at a time, but never really participating in the group as a member of the group – because I first want to be able to see what kind of behavior is appreciated in the group and which is not – so that, as I start to see what kind of behavior is appreciated, develop a personality that fits in with the standards I see in terms of what people seem to like and not like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way to get to know people is to make sure that they like me beforehand – therefore creating and molding myself according to the particular type of personality that will be ‘most successful’ in terms of being accepted by the other members in the group – and to believe that only once I am accepted/liked, I can start sharing myself bit by bit so that others can get to know me and I can get to know others – instead of realizing that I don’t require to be ‘pre-approved’ by anything or anyone in order to be able to make a connection with others and, in fact, that I am creating within others expectations about ‘who I am’ based on the particular personality I am living out – which later will only be invalidated as I start to slowly open up and participated in sharing myself – and so at the very onset create the conditions for disappointment within my relationship and so compromise of the relationship with others as I walk into a relationship and group under false pretenses – where I would later feel that I in part have to keep ‘keep playing the personality’ and so limit myself in terms of how I express myself and what I share of myself so that I am not found out to be a fraud and rejected.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I ever really was ‘myself’ in a group – when actually, I would always very carefully continue to monitor people’s responses and feedback to me to see if I am deviating too much from the expectations they have of who I am in terms of the personality I introduced myself as initially, that was ‘accepted’ by them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start feeling guilty when participating in a group, especially if I would start enjoying myself and the other beings – because I knew in part I was participating in deception towards them and continued to do so because I felt it was now ‘too late to go back’ and didn’t want to give up my positive experiences within the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be skeptical of groups in terms of thinking/believing that it is unlikely that it will be fun experiencing myself in a group of so many different individuals when in my experience, each individual brings the potential that I will experience conflict with them – and therefore, any time where I do find myself in a group where there is a relative tolerance towards each other and a general mutual agreement to have fun and a good time together – I elevate it into something magical and miraculous within and as myself – accessing positive feelings of wonder, exhilaration, connectedness, euphoria, excitement, hope and love.