Friday, January 18, 2013

Dag 94: Spontaneity vs. Impulsiveness - What does it Mean to Live in the Moment?


In my life, I've known several people who tended to be very impulsive. It's like they heard about or saw something new and then would 'delve into it' all the way - like they were on a mission. I used to enjoy seeing them do this, it was fascinating to me - because they just in one moment took a certain direction and stuck with it. At least for a while... Generally, they'd become disinterested and then their participation in that one point would just stop or water down - in the end, leaving things unfinished or not really accomplishing anything.

Within myself, in seeing people behave/act this way where they would just leave things hanging, I experienced disappointment. Because - within seeing individuals just jump into things without fear or hesitation, I created an experience of 'hope' within myself - that things can be different. Because, within myself, I was generally too afraid to just plunge into something new without first considering things or dipping my toes in the water. I was always cautious, controlling - but within that, I felt I wasn't really accomplishing anything 'sensational' - only things that were 'satisfactory'.

So - when I'd see another just immediately jumping in the deep end, I'd watch with hopeful and expectful eyes - and then in seeing the person just leave the point as suddenly as they took it on - I got disappointed. But not only disappointed, there was also an experience of anger - anger, because I blamed them for me feeling disappointed. And not only anger, but also a sense of 'betrayal' - lol - like 'you made it look like you were going to stick with this point all the way and now you didn't!' - lol. Instead of me taking action for myself and working through my fear, anxiety and desire for control - to be able to just express myself and allow myself to be passionate about things - and to allow myself to accomplish things that are sensational - instead of doing that, I would expect others to do it and let me 'ride on their wave of change'. Because also what would happen when people would engage in something new like that, they'd be excited and tell me about it - and so, I got to share in that excitement - and then when the point is left, that excitement stops, and so does my excitement stop.

And so, after a while, I developed a resentment towards impulsiveness - where those experiences of disappointment, anger, blame and betrayal would surface as soon as I'd see someone just suddenly being all over a certain point - because I'd think 'it's just another 'phase' and it would just end up going nowhere. And, what's more, is that I would interpret any decision made in a moment as an impulsive decision - thinking and believing that any decision that is made in the moment is a decision to which a person will not remain committed.

Within this, I've created a resistance towards decisions that are made in a moment - where I'll first take on an attitude of 'wait and see' - first wanting to establish whether this decision would be consistently lived and only then, would I consider joining in. Within the Desteni group, you'll find that decisions are always made in the moment - so, for instance, with the Journey to Life blogs - when this point was presented, suggesting that we'll, individually and together as a group, walk a process of posting a blog every day for 7 years. To me - this seemed like an 'impulsive' decision, when actually, it was just a spontaneous decision. So, what's the difference?

An impulsive decision is a decision made based on a thought, based on energy. Initially, when making the decision and implementing it, a reward is received in the form of positive energy. The thing is, this energy runs out after a while, or it starts to take more effort to generate the same amount of positive energy. When this happens, the motivation to stick with the decision slowly or not so slowly disappears and one no longer holds up one's commitment to the decision.

A spontaneous decision, on the other hand - is a decision that is made in the moment, not 'in the spur of the moment', but in the clarity of the moment. A moment where the decision stands clear as something that needs to be done or something one would like to commit to.

To be continued.
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