This blog-post is part of a series - for full perspective, please also read:

Day 124: Parenthood 1 - There Is Something Wrong with my Baby - Part 1
Day 125: Parenthood Ep.1 - There Is Something Wrong with my Baby - Part 2
Day 126: Parenthood Ep.1 - My Life to Hell

When and as I see myself participating in the idea/judgment/thought/belief that there is something wrong with my child because he/she is in some way different - I stop, I breathe - I realize that normality only exists as a perception and categorization in the mind and that in essence, each one is the same, yet with different aspects of themselves more/more specifically developed/prominent and other aspects less/less specifically developed/prominent - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the judgment and see my child for who he/she is and see how I am able to best support my child.

When and as I see myself participating in the idea/judgment/thought/belief that there must be something wrong with me for having a child that is 'abnormal' and feeling guilty about my child apparenty being different from the norm - I stop, I breathe - I realize that the child will reflect to myself who I am as a mirror of manifested consequence of what I as well as the entirety of humanity has accepted and allowed - and thus, as it is here - I commit myself to take responsibility for the child as myself, not within guilt or pity - but in equality and oneness as how I would like to be supported if I were the child.

When and as I see myself participating in fear that my child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life where I participate in pity and guilt towards the child - I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am projecting unto the child my own fear of being in such a situation where if I were in some way different from the 'norm', I would see this as a 'condition' and a constant to which I must submit and to which I must submit my entire existence, of which I am now apparently the victim, and where I would believe my survival is threatened due to not conforming to the norm - and thus, I realize that in whichever way the child is different is not something that just came falling out of the sky or 'happened to the child' as per a stroke of bad luck, but was created through participation in certain patterns over time of which the child is the manifested consequence - and thus, that there is no such thing as being a victim - only a showing of what has been accepted and allowed and thus - I commit myself to firstly correct within myself the patterns that created the 'abnormality' within my child and to then show the child how he/she is able to assist and support himself/herself to stand up from within it - empowering the child instead of limiting it by defining the child and viewing it as 'the condition'.

When and as I see myself participating in future projections of how the child's life will be like due to how the child is different from the norm - I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am participating in worst-case-scenario doomsday projections based in fear - and thus, I commit myself to stop and let go within the understanding/insight/realization that I cannot predict the future, as one can only predict the future according to patterns, and thus, it is to change the pattern to create the best possible outcome.

When and as I see myself participating in pity and sadness and an experience of 'loss' within imagining/thinking that the child's life will not be what I would've wanted it to be - I stop, I breathe - I realize that the very fact that I had an idea of what I want the child's life to be indicates that I have personal issues of fears and desires that I am projecting and superimposing unto the child and that I am attempting to 'fix my issues' through my child living their life differently/having a different life experience - and thus, I commit myself to let go of any ideas, fears and desires I have in relation to what the child's life will be, but instead assist and support my child to develop into a self-responsible and self-directive being so that he/she can decide for himself/herself how to give shape to his/her own life.

When and as I see myself participating in disappointment because the child does not conform to the idea I had of who the child would be as a perfect, cute child, part of my perfect happy family - I stop, I breathe - I realize that such disappointment indicates there was an expectation towards the child fulfilling me and thus that there was self-interest within my starting-point for having a child - where it was not to unconditionally support the child for his/her sake - but to have the child become a tool in a plan for self-fulfillment and self-gratification to live out my own dreams and desires - and thus, I commit myself to correct my starting point and my relation with my child - to let go of my own self-interest within it and re-align my starting point towards what is best for all involved.

When and as I see myself participating in fear of how my life will change and how much I/my family will have to sacrifice on an emotional level when hearing that my child is in some way 'different' - I stop, I breathe - I realize that in that moment, I am immediately stating that I am emotionally unstable and that I don't have what it takes to face a challenge and take it through towards the best possible outcome, immediately giving up before I have even started, in essence trying to flee from failure - and thus, I commit myself to let go of any preconceived ideas, to take it moment by moment and direct points as they come up, both within and as the family as within and as myself - to not accept and allow myself to accumulate emotional reactions through suppression until it bursts out into a breakdown - and thus, committing myself to, even if much requires practical direction around me, to make the time to also take care of myself and not allow myself to 'keep things in' without facing and working through them - so that the challenge is not a personal sacrifice, but an actual learning and strengthening process.

When and as I see myself participating in future projections and pictures about how expensive it will be to give extra care to one child and how other family members including myself may have to pass on things we would've wanted to do, just so the extra-care needing child can receive this extra care - I stop, I breathe - I realize that I am accelerating in my mind and making assumptions about the costs that are involved - and thus, I commit myself to first do the research, to after comprehensive research and having clarity on all the available options, make practical decisions that will best support the family and all members in it.

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This is a continuation to
Day 81: What to Expect when You're Expecting
Day 82: Only Bad Mothers Hate Pregnancy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue believing in the idea that motherhood is all about fun and fulfillment despite the fact that I have had actual physical experience with spending a lot of time with children, where the majority of the time does not consist of having fun and fulfilling yourself, but of the practical considerations of what the child requires and fulfilling one's responsibility within that.

I forgive myselff or not accepting and allowing myself to face the facts of reality of what it means to raise a child from birth, but deliberately ignore these facts and 'choose' to delude myself into thinking that being a mother is just fun and bliss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the facts because that means I might influence my decision to have a child or not - whereas, I have always had a desire to have children and created a belief that, because this desire is so strong, that I will find a purpose and meaning within having children and that therefore, nothing can come in my way of becoming a mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my memories of being a child and being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, where my answer was 'mother of five children', where I would stick out my hand pointing 5 fingers, because I only could count to 5 at that stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'who I am' according to these memories of telling people that I would be a mother of 5 children as a child because of the certainty that I experienced in those moments, where I did not in any way question or consider any other options, because apparently this is what I had decided I would be and become when I grew up.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever consider and investigate where this experience of certainty originated from - where it might have been a preprogrammed point, or where it might have been due to the fact that my mother was the main character as example within my world in terms of what adults do in life, and so being a mother was the only thing I really knew about when it comes to adult jobs - but instead sought for a 'sign' or a 'meaning' within the experience, thinking and believing that this was simply my purpose in life and that this is why as a child I experienced this certainty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build my life through making decisions based on experiences which I interpret through my mind - which then completely determine the rest of my life - and where I never actually took the time to investigate these experiences so that I was aware/understood what exactly I was basing my decisions on - but in essence, simply trusted my experiences as giving me 'signs of God' - in the same way that I would believe that if I fell head-over-heels for a person, that it was a sign from God or the universe that this is the person I was supposed to be with - never even considering that I might have been the creator of my own experience and that the experience is merely an out-flow/consequence/manifestation of my participation in my own mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid within the realisation that I have been kidding myself my entire life simply within this one point of accepting my experience as God and defining myself according to the memories of telling people that I would be a mother of 5 children when I grow up, where I took an interpretation for granted - leading me for the rest of my life to believe that I would be a mother and that this was something that would fulfil me in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone my self-fulfilment through believing that I will only be fulfilled once I am a mother - where, I missed what was right before me, because I believed I had to wait until being a mother to be able to be fulfilled - and thus, in essence, wasted my life away due to a belief based on an interpretation of my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I were to decide not to become a mother, that I would be betraying myself for not fulfilling my destiny.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that the decision to be/become a mother should never be based on a personal experience as a desire to fulfill oneself, because this is a starting-point of self-interest, where one is expecting of an unborn child to fulfill one's life - when the child was not asked to be born and can certainly not be expected to be someone else's fulfillment - but, instead, the decision to have a child should be based within practical considerations only, where the questions must be asked whether one is able to effectively assist and support a child in this world - and thus, where the focus within the consideration of having a child, must already be the well-being of the child, and not the happiness of the parents.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that one of the reasons motherhood is mostly not what was expected, is because the decision to have a child was made from a consideration of one's own experiences - whereas the practical reality of living parenthood is entirely focused on the child and not the parent - and thus, one's expectations can never become fulfilled.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever consider not having children and consider what my life would be like and who I would be if I weren't a mother - because of the self-created belief that I have to attain this point of motherhood in order to fulfill myself, my life, my purpose and my destiny - where I think/believe that motherhood is the last step, the last stage that I must see to achieve and that after that, everything will just be okay, and I will finally be able to feel settled and 'in the right place'.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that it is nonsensical to attempt to raise a child in terms of what it means to live in this world if I have never even lived for myself, but only ever waited to start my life once I'd become a mother.

To be continued with Self-Corrective Statements.

Related articles

• Day 82: Only Bad Mothers Hate Being Pregnant
• Day 110: Fear as Quick Fix Parenting Technique
• Day 81: What to Expect when You're Expecting
• Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
• Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!

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The Interview 'When Life Turns its Back on You' was quite eye-opening for me. I realised how much we take our parents for granted. As a child, we just think it's normal that another human being is at your disposal all the time - there to take care of you, look after you and giving you direction in your day or in your life. Even as we grow older and start to gain some understanding of and experience with responsibility, we don't often stop to consider the kind of commitments our parents made within their decision to have children - where, they decide and commit to placing a child at the centre of their universe and start living their lives in service of the child.

And sure, I know - we didn't ask to be born and it's not our problem if our parents decided to give up their personal lives to take care of us - it was THEIR decision and even the reasons for having children may have been twisted and contain some kind of hidden agendas as expecting that the child may for instance 'fix' their lives or or their marriage. But still - I can't even conceive of such a dedication and such a commitment.

And then when we grow up and become adults we just want to go and live our own lives and in some cases distance ourselves from our 'old folks' - like they are a burden and are something to discretely and slowly be disposed of. Don't get me wrong - I don't think or feel that we are indebted to our parents and therefore now should give up our lives to take care of them. Though, listening to this interview showed me that I had never really considered who my parents are as a being and what they go through and have gone through in being a parent. I only ever considered my side as the 'child' and my own experience towards them - without ever placing myself in my parents' shoes - which would've probably changed my whole experience and relationship with them while growing up.

So - if you have this experience towards your parents of them being a burden and kind of wanting to distance yourself from them - or if you're considering to become a parent and would like to have an idea of what you're in for: I'd definitely suggest you listen to this interview. It may change your whole experience - whether as a parent or as a daughter/son in relation to your parents.

If each one - parent or child - would always take full and complete responsibility for themselves and not expect the parent or child to fulfill them - then parent-child relationships could actually stand within oneness and equality, respect and consideration. Where the point of giving and receiving care becomes mutual and unconditional and not because of an experience of guilt or expectation...

Related articles

• Day 110: Fear as Quick Fix Parenting Technique
• Day 109: Stop Crying! Everyone's watching You!
• Day 116: The Apple doesn't Fall Far from the Tree
• Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
• Day 111: Is Crying a Sign of Weakness?

Learn more »

This blog is a continuation of:

Day 30: Goodness as Positivity,
Day 31: You're My HERO!!!
Day 32: Consistency and
Day 33: Wanting to be the Star Pupil 
Day 34: Make a Happy Family 
Day 35:Don't Act like Lady Gaga - Act like a Real Lady!
Day 36: Join JESUS on The CROSS -What?! WHY?!? Day 37: The Secret to a Successful Life!
Day 37: Be Good, Little Human
Day 38: Richness, Compliments and Validation

Day 40: The Parable of the Talents

Day 41: God Collects his Debt

Day 42: Jesus Died for Your Sins

- continuing to purify the word 'Good'.

In my mind, I connect the word 'good' to:

A picture of willow, lake, swan that I was ‘good’ at drawing

As a child I would always draw the same picture of a swan in a lake, with reeds around it, a willow above it, a sun, clouds and birds in the sky. It was a picture I thought I was good at and I was always content with myself after drawing it. Looking at it now, I kept drawing the same picture, because it was a ‘safe’ picture to draw – because I already knew it would turn out good and I would be happy with myself. I knew exactly how I would draw it, even in what order; it would always be the same order. So – it was a matter of feeling safe in knowing what was going to happen, what was going to come next and knowing what the exact result would be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘good’ to and define the word ‘good’ within and as a picture of a swan, a willow, a lake with reeds around it, clouds, a sun and birds in the sky as a picture that I would keep on drawing as a child, of which I thought that I was ‘good’ at it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘good’ to and define the word ‘good’ within and as having skills and using skills towards completing a certain task or project of which people afterwards say that it was a ‘good job’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘good’ to and define the word ‘good’ within and as the memory of myself as a child drawing a picture of first a swan, then a lake, then the reed, then the willow, then the sun, then the clouds and then the birds in the sky and the memory of feeling proud of myself and feeling good about myself afterwards.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘good’ to and define the word ‘good’ within and as feeling safe within knowing what’s to come and knowing that the result will be okay and that I will be okay with myself in seeing the result.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the unknown to fear and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress fear through ‘goodness’ and ‘good feelings’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘good’ within and as being in control or feeling in control through knowing what will come next.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always play safe out of fear of failure, out of fear of negativity, out of fear of emotions, out of fear of more fear, out of fear of punishment, out of fear of anger, out of fear of pain, out of fear of disappointment, out of fear of shame, out of fear of guilt, out of fear of embarrassment, out of fear of regret. Learn more »

In the Post Office at the mall today, there was a woman and her 2 or 3 year-old daughter. They had a big shopping trolley with them. At some point, the trolley fell on top of the little girl. As I heard the noise, I turned around and I saw I was closest, so I stepped over and lifted the trolley up so the girl could get from underneath it. As the girl got up, she started crying and crying. The mother immediately picked her up and held her tight against her, talking to her and trying to comfort her. The girl was physically fine.

So – that’s the basics of the event that took place. Now let’s slow down on some points and have a closer look.


After I’d picked up the trolley and I heard the girl starting to cry, I immediately reacted with anxiety, fear and a form of panic. I wondered for a moment if there was something I could do for the girl, how I was able to help her – but realised that since I wasn’t stable in that moment, I wouldn’t be much help. There was already a lot of energy moving around and I figured that if I’d try to jump in as well, getting involved while reacting – and thus throwing in my energies into the mix as well – I’d just be throwing oil on the fire. So, I stepped back into the queue I was previously standing in and didn’t further participate.

Also – as I saw the mother’s reaction of immediately picking up the child and comforting her, I wondered if that was really a good idea. As soon as I heard the girl starting to cry – my first instinct was the same – get to the girl and comfort her asap!! Lol.But I’ve recently been watching the TV-show 'The Dog Whisperer’ with Cesar Millan and he explains how – when you give a dog affection, you’re always nurturing the state of mind the dog is in at the time you give the dog affection. So – if your dog is aggressive and you pet him to try and calm him down – you’re actually, from his perspective, supporting his aggression and encouraging him. Or – when your dog is scared or shy and you pick up your dog to make them feel ‘safe’ – you’re actually nurturing the dog’s fear and shyness. Which makes total sense – I mean, the only way your dog is going to get over his fear, is if he faces it. By picking him up, you’re just giving him a place to hide from whatever it is that he’s afraid of.

So – as soon as I saw the mother pick up her child as it was crying, I looked at it the same was as with a dog. The message she was giving to her child was that crying is a good way to deal with a situation like this.

And – regardless of this dog psychology perspective – when you look at it from the mother’s perspective: was she trying to help her child or herself? In that moment of seeing her child underneath the trolley (which was luckily empty, btw) in between all those people – what was going through her mind? Fear of the girl being hurt, embarrassment, fear of people thinking she’s a bad mother and a whole lot of guilt because this happened on her watch. So – if I look at it – the point of her ‘trying to calm down her daughter’ was for a big part based in self-interest. She had to show the people around her that she cared, she had to make her daughter stop crying asap so that the people would stop looking/judging and so that she can feel better about the event. Because if the girls stops crying, then surely she didn’t get hurt that bad and she doesn’t need to feel so guilty.

So – considering those two points: the mother’s starting point for her action as well as the message she was giving to her daughter: I’d say it wasn’t the most practical/best for all solution. Rather – make sure that you’re calm first as a mother. You can’t expect to calm someone else down, if you’re not calm, stable and assertive yourself. Just as a dog can pick up on what it is you’re experiencing – so can human beings on some level, and children are more sensitive to it. So – to calm a child down, the best thing you can do, is to calm yourself down first lol. In participating in the whole commotion by letting your fears and emotions run rampant, you’re merely participating in your daughter’s fearful and emotional state and thus – only feeding that experience.

Then – the point of holding the child is also not really advised. The same example as I gave with the dog: if you give the dog a hiding place, then the dog is merely hiding from his fear. In embracing/holding your child, you’re giving her a place to hide and suppress the experience – instead of allowing the child to see what happened, check if she’s okay and realise that if she’s okay, then it wasn’t all that bad – and next time, she’ll know not to do whatever it is she did to get the trolley on top of herself.

So – I would suggest to everyone to watch ‘The Dog Whisperer’ as Cesar Millan gives some cool, simple perspective in terms of how our inner experience influences the experience and behaviour of the beings around you and how, if you’re not calm and assertive – you can’t be a directive point in your world – instead: something or someone else will direct you.

For more support on how to develop the common sense to see how to direct yourself and others in daily life – join www.desteniiprocess.com or see us at the forum at www.desteni.org/forum. Learn more »