Day 4 - EUREKA–I’ve got The Point!!

Something that I tended doing a lot in the beginning of my process, was to try and find ‘The Point’ – and what I mean by that is: The One Point where I created a certain pattern as a child and then I tried to explain my entire life, all the choices and decisions I made, all my relationships, all my behaviours, etc. in the light of this one patter. I thought that there was this one point that would just explain it all – my ‘one point of self-dishonesty’.

With every ‘big point’ that I revealed of myself through writing and self-forgiveness I tried to use that one point to make sense of my entire life. Obviously, not everything you do can be explained through the participation in one singular pattern. For instance – I’d see that as a child I accepted the point of inferiority – then I’d go: “That explains EVERYTHING!!”  I defined all of my self-dishonesty in relation to the point of for instance inferiority and would only see myself from that starting point. So, I ended up making twisted connections and telling myself that ‘this is how I must have manifested that in my life!’ – just so that my ‘theory’ would fit the data as the actual experiences and events that took place. This would often result in sharp headaches, because all I was doing was manipulating/changing my memories of the actual events that took place so that the events could be explained through this one pattern – all, of course, in my mind.

I wanted to believe that I just needed to uncover ‘The One Point’ so that I would just need to be able to find a solution to this one point and then that would be the key to solve my entire existence – whoops, in one go – lol. In essence, I wanted to short-cut my process by only having to deal with one singular point. The reality is of course that there is a massive amounts of different points of self-dishonesty and patterns that were designed and accepted from early age and that were specified and adapted to be utilised in various different situations and scenarios over the years. Each point has various layers and each point has various dimensions.

So – instead of just investigating each point for what it was and actually supporting myself to write specific Self-Forgiveness and design specific Corrections for each point – I would just ‘shove’ that point under the skirt of another point, saying that “this point is just an outflow of ‘my one point’, therefore, I have already dealt with this and I’ve already got the solution to it – I don’t have to spend time investigating it”.

I’ve always liked the idea of neatness and logic – and how neat would it be that there was just one causal point and that any other point is just a logical outflow of this causal point. And so – if I remove the cause, everything else just disappears, because the foundation was removed – Poof! Just like that!

Yeah, well… process doesn’t work that way – lol.

Also – the idea that I understood my entire life made me feel like I had more control over it. If something can be understood, categorised, classified, analysed, I’d always feel like a sense of relief – that it wasn’t too overwhelming, because I could understand it. The fact that I wanted to have a form of control over my life, my past, my experiences indicates that I was afraid of it and that I felt overwhelmed by the idea of having to sort out my past in absolute detail and specificity. I was afraid of it, because I felt like if there’s a point in my past that I don’t know about, that I don’t understand, that I can’t ‘place’ within myself – it might just come to haunt me and I won’t know what to do.

So, here goes the Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to uncover ‘the one point’ of self-dishonesty that would somehow give me clarity and insight into my entire existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that such a ‘one point’ exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want for such a ‘one causal point’ to exist so that my process will be quick and easy, because I felt overwhelmed by the idea of having to investigate and sort through my life in absolute detail and specificity – and then also redesign myself in absolute detail and specificity – but instead rather just having to deal with one point and only having to design a solution for this one point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel intimidated by a maze of unknown points, systems and patterns – feeling and believing that they are more than me, too much for me and that I could never take on a project that requires absolute dedication and discipline to complete.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually make my process take longer, because every time a point presented itself, I would just categorise it underneath another point, making up ways that this new point I am facing is an outflow of a point that I’ve already faced and manipulating my memories in the process – herein not actually facing the point, releasing it and correcting it – therefore, having to each time face the point again so that I could actually face it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – due to the belief that I can’t do something and due to the fear that I won’t be able to do it properly – immediately accept a state of laziness, where I do things half-assed, pretending to deal with a point, making myself feel like I dealt with a point, when actually I would just ignore it and dismiss it as something I have already dealt with.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually assist and support myself within process, but merely want to feel like I’m done so that I can go and enjoy myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being haunted by my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my past and that my past will repeat itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control myself, my life and my future through knowledge about what happened and what I’ve done in my life, so that I can feel prepared to deal with whatever may come in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself out of fear of seeing who I am and what I’ve done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that knowledge is the final stop – that once I have knowledge and understanding of a point – then that’s it and then I am no longer controlled by it, instead of realising that I require to release the point through self-forgiveness as well as redesign and correct myself through self-corrective statements and corrective action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want everything to be neat, logical and organised so that I can feel in control and in power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and make sense of my reality, my past and my points, instead of seeing them for what they so that I’m able to practically and effectively direct them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is bad to have many points of self-dishonesty to uncover and that if I just have one point to face, then that makes me a better person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be a bad person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘bad’ to fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘self-dishonest’ to the words ‘bad’ and ‘fear’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – when a point comes up – immediately assume that I’ve already applied the SF on that point and that I can just go on through breathing – instead of making sure that I am not facing a different dimension of a certain point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that it is a waste of time to apply self-forgiveness on the same point several times.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I can never apply too much self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see process as a quick-fix solution – thinking and believing that I must just find the main switch and turn it off – and then live happily ever after.

When and as I see myself wanting to dismiss a point as something I have already dealt with – I stop, I breathe – I bring the point before me, I investigate all its dimensions and check that I have released all of it effectively through self-forgiveness. If not – I apply self-forgiveness to release the point and write self-corrective statements to design the solution as self-correction.

When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed by something that looks messy, complicated or extensive – I stop, I breathe – I realise that I don’t require taking on the whole thing at once, but simply take on one part/point/aspect at a time and move myself breath by breath until it is done.

When and as I see myself being lazy and not applying myself effectively – I stop, I breathe – I realise that I am simply making my process take longer, because if I do something half-assed I’ll just have to do it over again at a later stage until I do it properly – therefore, I push and direct myself to fully engage in the present moment and apply myself to the best of my ability.

When and as I see myself trying to make sense of a point within my mind through making up ‘links’ and ‘connections’ and ‘causal relationships’ – I stop, I breathe – I realise that I am not actually assisting and supporting myself, but actually resist facing the point – therefore, I bring the point here and face it for what it is.