This blog is a continuation to
Day 72: My Body, My Battlefield,
Day 73: Afraid of Petrification,
Day 74: Con or Be Conned - The Social Law of Human Behaviour?

Specific points of fear I identified in relation to watching an episode of 'Curiosity' on what happens on a cellular level when a virus attacks the human body:

1. A secret intruder/a lurking evil
2. The conning and deceiving of the body's cells
3. The complete take-over of a cell, where 'who the cell originally was' becomes non-existent and becomes an incubator for little virus babies
4. The manipulation of 'innocent' proteins
5. The ruthlessness/mercilessness in instant destruction
6. The singlemindedness of having one singular goal of destruction

3. The complete take-over of a cell, where 'who the cell originally was' becomes non-existent and becomes an incubator for little virus babies


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear in seeing how a virus infiltrates and takes over the controls of a cell through tricking it into carrying out the orders that the virus carries within its DNA, where 'who the cell originally was' becomes non-existent and the cell becomes an incubator for little virus babies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a foreign entity taking over control of me to such an extent that 'who I am' no longer exists and I merely become a feeding ground for this entity.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that this is exactly what has happened within me - where the mind, as a foreign entity to my as my body has infused itself within my flesh and taken over absolute control, to the point where who I am as the body is completely non-existent and all that exists is a mind consciousness system that feeds off the energy generated by the physical body - torturing and consuming it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - when being in a relationship, try to change the other person by attempting to impose my ideas/views/values/thoughts/beliefs unto the other being, attempting to destroy the parts of them that don't support my views/ideas/values/thoughts and beliefs, so that the other person can become a better instrument in my world to feed my own ego and self-delusions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself, instead of realising that who I am doesn't yet exist in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear something/someone outside of me influencing who I am and determining who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'me' within and as the mind consciousness systems as my own fears, ideas, perceptions, definitions, beliefs, opinions, judgments - and attempt to protect this construction of mind-patterns that I accept as 'me' from any 'foreign' intervention and influence as I think/believe that if any of these fears, ideas, perceptions, definitions, beliefs, opinions, thoughts and judgments are altered or removed - that it diminishes me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that fears, ideas, perceptions, definitions, beliefs, opinions, judgments and thoughts are themselves foreign entities and thus, are nothing that require 'my protection' - but instead my scrutiny in investigating each and every single one to dispose of everything that in some way is deceptive.

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So - today I was watching some episodes of 'Curiosity' - a TV show that's a lot like 'Mythbusters' - where they go and explore a certain topic, what's true about it, what's possible, etc. For instance - some topics they took on was what would happen if there was an alien invasion - why would they invade, how would they do it, what would their strategies be, how would humans and the military respond, etc. Another episode was about sending a group of 21st century people back to the cave-man days - seeing if they're able to survive. Another one was about all the bacteria and microbes that our body is exposed to, that live on our bodies, that live inside our bodies.

Now - while I was watching the episode about surviving as cave-men - they showed how the group of people basically started starving, going into hypothermia, dehydration, etc. Their last hope was being able to kill an elk for food, because that would ensure they would be properly fed for a while. They made many attempts, but each time the hunter-party came back to camp with empty hands. When they finally managed to kill an elk and the it was shown how relieved everyone was, almost euphoric that there was food - I started experiencing the same thing. There was like tears in my eyes, couldn't help but laughing, the whole thing. That's when I knew - oh, oooh - something weird is going on.

Afterwards, my head was pounding and my body was dehydrated. I then looked a bit deeper at my entire experience while watching the show - and realised that the entire time I had been placing myself in the position of the people in the show, looking at: what would I do? How would I go about that? What would I do different? I'd definitely say or do that in that situation! Oh! I should remember about that, that's a good survival tip! Even when they showed the 'cave-men' people how to use this prehistorical weapon, I was imagining myself doing it, like 'practicing' it in my mind - just in case I ever need to know how to do that - LOL. So - while watching the show, I had placed myself in a survival state of mind.

When I was a child and teenager, while watching a scary movie and someone got hurt - I'd be like: FUCK! I don't want that to happen to me! And then I'd in my mind, quickly make a plan of what I would do if I were in the same situation to not end up hurt the same way. I'd even do it after having a nightmare - go like 'oh man, that could really happen to me' - and then try to 'prepare myself' for such an event by having an action plan prepared.

So - that would obvioulsy indicate that there is a fear existent within me of being hurt or dying and not knowing what to do to prevent it. And I'd use TV-shows and movies primarily to gain more and more knowledge of all the possible scenarios that could play out where I would be in a position of disadvantage - to then create a database of survival plans - so that I would feel 'safer' that if something would happen, that I would know what to do.

To be continued.

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