This blog post is a continuation to the following posts – please read them first for context:

Day 153: Snowy – My Mountain of Support
Day 154: Snowy – My Mountain of Support – Pt2

I explained in my previous post how I saw the particular construct I required to work with that Snowy had been showing me by living it out. I saw how the energy I was working with was ‘protectiveness’ and how the word in relation to which I would activate the word ‘protectiveness’ was the word ‘life’. I saw how there was both a positive polarity of desiring to protect life as well as a negative polarity as trying to protect myself from life.

As a child and growing up, I have always been reserved when interacting with others. Not that I would always stay in the background or be a loner or be the shy one in a group – I would make friends and have fun – but I would always be ready to ‘pull out’ in case I felt I had to. I had noticed that no matter how ‘nice’ a friend or a family member may seem in one moment, in another they can suddenly change and ‘turn against me’ – often unexpectedly, where I ‘wasn’t prepared for it’. The same with animals – in one moment a dog could be gentle and in another they could suddenly snap their teeth. The same with nature – the one moment I am playing in the garden on the grass, the next I get stung by a bee. In all these instances I felt that my sense of security was false, that I wasn’t really safe from ‘life’ as how I experienced it.

What I saw within using the tools of SRA3, is that I had defined the words ‘safe/protected’ within a mother-child relationship. You know – when you’re a child and you’re just sitting next to your mom on the couch and you rest your head on her chest, she wraps your arm around you and you can hear her breathing and her heartbeat – that experience of ‘I am protected, I am safe, nothing can happen to me’. That experience is what I desired.

So – within deciding who I would be within my life, I wanted that point of safety/protectedness to be a part of it. Of course, I couldn’t stay a child forever living with my mother – but I could become a mother myself. Because, a mother and child, I presumed, both take part in the same experience of safetyness/protectedness. Herein – my perception of mothers was also relevant. Of all the adults and their extent of participation and interaction with ‘life’ as that which I saw as unpredictable and dangerous – I thought mothers were the least exposed, because they are at home taking care of the children. Perhaps that is why I would say I wanted to become a mother of 5 kids – to make sure I’d never have the time to do anything else but be a mother, lol – but remain secluded, protected in the safety of my own home.

That was how the negative polarity to the word ‘life’ influenced ‘who I wanted to be in life’.

The positive polarity of the word ‘life’ refers to seeing life as something pure and innocent – and yet so fragile – something that can be easily corrupted, hurt and abused. From within my own fear of the ‘outside world’ – ‘life as we know it’ – I created a desire to protect this ‘pure, innocent’ life – and where I had defined this ‘pure/innocent life’ to exist was in babies and young children – the ones not yet influenced too much by ‘the world’ – who were still blissfully ignorant and under the impression that ‘life’ is welcome here. So – from the positive polarity of my definition of the word ‘life’ I wanted to be someone who protects ‘life’ in this world and of all the social roles in society – I saw that mothers taking care of babies/children were the ones to fit this bill.

So – through accepting both the fear and desire that sprung up within me from both the negative and positive polarities of my definition of the word ‘life’, I created a behavioral design of ‘protectiveness’ within me – both in relation to protecting myself as well as protecting others. That was the same behavior I saw in Snowy – where on the one hand she wanted to protect herself against Cesar, seeing him as a ‘threat’ while at the same time ‘protecting him’ through playing a nurturing role towards him.

I then went and wrote about all these points, applied my Self-Forgiveness and wrote my Self-Corrective Statements to remove the separation I had created towards the word ‘life’, to redefine the word as myself and diffuse this construct as a whole. I had shared with LJ and Leila what I’d seen in terms of how Snowy’s behavior mirroring mine. After I had done all my writing, SF and SCS – Snowy’s behavior immediately changed, lol. She was back to her ‘old self’. Leila noticed the drastic change in Snowy and asked me if I’d worked on my points – to which I said ‘yes’ with a big smile, lol. So – this was a very cool feedback point again –where Snowy showed me: you got it, girl – my work here is done. Lol. I gave her a big hug, amazed and grateful for the unconditional support that she is.
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I left off in my previous post saying:

“So, one night I realized this was carrying on for too long (Snowy’s odd behavior in relation to Cesar and her toys) and that something else must be going on. I placed my hand on her chest, breathed and then checked which person was a match for the point she was working with – which of course, was me – lol.

The next point was to see: what point is she showing me about myself??

What opened up for me was quite fascinating – I don’t know if I would have seen/realized this point if it weren’t for my Snowy-bear assisting me with such specificity – I’ll share in my next post!”

To see what point Snowy and I were working with, I kept one hand on her chest and placed the other on her side. The first thing I looked at was identifying the energy that was running – because that was the most noticeable about her behavior – as soon as she would hear or see Cesar, or as soon as she picked up a toy – a particular energy started directing her behavior – where no matter what we said or did – the energy was not moving out or diminishing and she continued to follow the energy – we couldn’t ‘snap her out of it’ or even ‘get through to her’. When identifying the energy, the word ‘protectiveness’ came up. Snowy takes her ‘protective role’ always quite seriously, but now every time she’d hear/see Cesar, that protectiveness went into over-drive.

As soon as I placed the word ‘protectiveness’ within me to check if that was the word – I could feel/became aware of ‘lines’ that together formed a particular geometric shape and that shape covered my abdominal area. Here – I remembered the article from Jack where he explained how weight in the abdomen is due to protecting fears.

So – this was getting more and more interesting – because the word ‘protectiveness’ was showing to contain more than one dimension – it was not just about protecting others, but also about protecting myself and protecting fears. So I focused in on that geometrical shape that I felt over my abdomen and saw two sides to it. On the one side I saw it relating to the symbology of pregnancy – where a baby is in the belly, protected by the uterus and abdomen – so an experience of safety/security. On the other hand I saw how the geometric shape was somewhat like the door of a prison cell – so, here I was looking at self-limitation – fear and insecurity.

I could see how that polarity had played out in Snowy’s behavior – where on the one hand she was ‘excessively nurturing’ – with her toys as well as licking Cesar all over when he would get close to her – yet on the other hand, she was seeing Cesar as a threat and tried to protect herself from him.

(If my story is sounding a bit jumbled, it’s because I’m trying to tell it the way it opened up for me – so bear with me if it’s not sounding very coherent, lol – it did kind of open up as ‘pop, pop, pop’ – I started seeing the factors at play, the ingredients if you will – but did not yet see how I had ‘cooked it up’ for myself or how it all strings together – that I looked at afterwards.)

At that point I was satisfied that I had identified the energy as being ‘protectiveness’ and that it was related to motherhood and that there was a polarity construct involved. But keeping a discussion I’d recently had with Esteni in mind, as well as the tools introduced in the SRA3 course of Desteni I Process – I could see I hadn’t ‘gotten to the bottom of it yet’ – I so far had only opened up a particular behavior and how that behavior was driven by an energy – but I had not yet identified the source point. I knew I had to identify one word – one word that contains a polarity in its definition – where ‘protectiveness’ is how I ‘live out’ the polarity of that word in my reality.

Now that word – interestingly enough, is: ‘Life’.

It was easier to see the word by looking at the positive polarity – the positive polarity being: what is it I desire to protect? So – looking at motherhood – protecting a baby – protecting innocence – I could see that it boils down to: protecting ‘pure’ life. Then I looked at the negative polarity to see if the word ‘life’ is accurate – so I checked: Is life something I fear/something I feel I have to protect myself from? And the answer was ‘yes’ – meaning: life as life on Earth as it exists today. Growing up, the world seems like a scary place – people are so unpredictable and I definitely felt insecure. So – my definition of the word ‘life’ existed within a polarity – giving rise to both a desire and a fear – and the energy and behavior of ‘protectiveness’ was driven by that desire and fear.

So now I had the rough outline of the construct. Then I looked at how I had created and lived this construct as myself – what decisions I made from within this construct and how I shaped ‘me’ and ‘my life’ from within and as this construct – I will share that process in my next post. Learn more »

Snowy is one of the two Pyrenean Mountain dogs that live with me. Those who have met her know her to be a big, fluffy, goofy dog that likes to barks at anything that moves, is very lazy on walks, and has the sweetest eyes – that is, of course, when she’s not barking at something. That would be her ‘usual self’. About a month ago she started acting – hmm, what is the word – well, ‘odd’, to say the least.

One significant change was her behavior towards Cesar. She would usually be gentle with him and allow him to come close and lick him once in a while, but otherwise not be too ‘phased’ about his presence. He was able to come up to her and lean against her while she remained calm and patient. Now, about a month ago, what started happening every time Cesar came into the room, or if she could hear him in the other room, she would immediately go into ‘high alert mode’ and start following him around as though to ‘keep an eye on him’ that he doesn’t do anything that ‘he’s not supposed to’ – yet at the same time, try to back off when he would come close. So – she was literally pacing around him while trying to keep a certain distance at the same time. If she would sit, it would be for a second, and then she was up pacing again. And when he did manage to come close, she would seem to be fighting within herself where on the one side she’d want to scare him away/off of her and on the other hand, obsessively lick him all over.

The other significant change was that she started adopting a toy as though it was her baby. Where, she would pick one toy and keep it with her at all times. When she was walking around, it would be in her mouth and when she was laying down, she would put it in front or next to her and lick it. And when she’d lose her toy, she would go around to everyone making a whining/crying sound. One night, she was standing besides me whining/crying, but she had her toy (at that moment her ‘baby’ was a monkey-teddy) in her mouth. So, I wasn’t sure what she wanted. Eventually, I figured out she was trying to find a ‘safe space’ for her and her ‘baby’. She only stopped crying/whining once I made a little ‘cave’ for her with pillows under LJ’s desk.

The behavior of her taking a toy as a baby, we had seen before and so we thought it was part of a hormonal cycle – where this motherly behavior gets triggered by hormones – and that somehow she had translated that behavior to Cesar as well. Of course, with Cesar, she started to become a ‘danger-point’ as she was unpredictable while within that ‘high alert’ energy – and with her being a large dog, we kept her away from Cesar as much as possible, waiting for this ‘hormonal phase’ to pass. But it didn’t…

So, one night I realized this was carrying on for too long and that something else must be going on. I placed my hand on her chest, breathed and then checked which person was a match for the point she was working with – which of course, was me – lol.

The next point was to see: what point is she showing me about myself??

What opened up for me was quite fascinating – I don’t know if I would have seen/realized this point if it weren’t for my Snowy-bear assisting me with such specificity – I’ll share in my next post! Learn more »

Today I walked through a series of events where actual and possible animal-attacks kept on following each-other.

Okay – let me first explain to you the lay-out of the farm in terms of who lives where, as the housing area of the farm is divided into two parts.


You have the front part of the farm, which includes the gate where you enter, the 'main house', the pool, the car-port, the 4 wooden rooms on the one side, with 'the music studio' (Cerise and Fidelis's house) behind that and the other two wooden rooms on the other side of the main house.



The second part consists of 'the second house' (Rozelle, Andrea and Robert) and the new building at the back, which is where I, LJ, Gian and Leila live.
 
The two parts of the farm are separated by a fence and the music studio. The reason for the split is because some animals require a 'safe refuge' from the pack of dogs that sometimes chases after birds or cats. And also because Baru and the other big dogs don't do well together.
 
So, this afternoon – I go outside because Bumi (one of my and lj's new pups) was crying by a gate, and what has happened before is that the big dogs in the 'first/front part' of the farm saw her crying by a gate and they ran up to her barking an growling, because they still see our new pups as 'intruders on their terrain.' So – I go out and see Bumi by the gate, but the big dogs are all running around in front, not taking notice of her. As I look at the dogs, I suddenly see a Hadeda (http://www.sa-venues.com/wildlife/birds_hadeda_ibis.htm) flying up in the sky from in between the dogs and realise that's what the dogs are 'entertaining' themselves with. So, I yell at them to stop and at the same time I see Cerise and Fidelis running down to chase the dogs away from the bird. 
 
The hadeda wasn't closing her one wing, so Cerise, Fidelis and later LJ investigated where she got hurt. The damage wasn't too serious, so we took her in the house to take care of the wound and have her rest a bit. 
 

I used 'purple spray' to disinfect the wound after cleaning it, which is an anti-septic spray that we use specifically for animals. I had fetched the purple from the main house, so, after I was done, I go down to the main house to bring the purple spray back. As I leave, Bumi follows me to the gate and starts crying again. In the meantime, Sunette and Fidelis had started treating the dogs against maggots, because the hadeda (that they had been chasing) was covered in it. This treating of dogs is usually done in the garden behind the main house, from where all the dogs could easily notice Bumi's cry. (Bumi in picture on the right)
 
So – as I am walking down to the main house, I see the dogs go into 'alert mode' as they hear Bumi crying. Gracy had been the 'most ferocious' in the previous confrontations, so I try to grab her as she passes by me, but she pulls loose and goes straight for the gate. Even though Bumi now sees this pack of crazy dogs running at her, barking and growling, she still tries to get through the gate, instead of running away. So, I run and yell at the dogs and chase them away to make sure Bumi doesn't get hurt. Because, what happened before, as well, is that Bumi pushed her head through the gate and then got stuck – so if that'd happened while the dogs were trying to attack, she would've gotten hurt.
 
I take Bumi to the house and when I go back out into the garden, I see Timelines wants to come for a visit. Timeless lives in the 'first part' of the farm, but enjoys coming for visits to the 'second part' because she is friends with most of the dogs here. The problem is that she is often the one to start barking at Baru (who lives in the second part), which can lead to a fight. So, if Timeless comes for a visit in the back, we always make sure that Baru either isn't in the garden, or we take her immediately into the house to prevent a confrontation between the two dogs.
 
So, I bring her up to the house and she says hi to all the dogs here. Then, suddenly, I see Leila and Gian's parrot walking out of their room, into the kitchen-area. Usually, either the parrot is locked up in his cage when their door is open, or is free to move around in the room, but then the door is closed – or Leila or Gian are with the parrot in the kitchen or lounge area to make sure no accidents happen.
 
But this time, I was alone with the dogs in the house and there comes the parrot walking out of Leila and Gian's room. Timeless and the parrot haven't spent much time together – so it's possible that Timeless will attack the parrot – or that the parrot attacks Timeless, because, yes, birds are very territorial as well.
 
So – I go 'oh crap!' and try to get Timeless' attention so she doesn't notice the parrot and try to get her out of the house as quickly as I can. As I open the door of the house, Timeless hears something in the 'first part' of the farm and runs straight down to the second house. Usually Timeless always stays by us when we bring her back to the 'first part' of the farm through a gate close-by our house, to avoid coming near the entrance of the second house, where Baru likes to hang out. But, as I said, this time she ran straight down to the second house because she heard something going on there. Gian, who was also out in the garden, and I try to call Timeless back, but she doesn't want to come back. As I go down to the second house, I see that luckily Rozelle was there and she was holding Baru back with a chair. Esteni was already on her way to Timeless back into the first part of the house. 
 
I was pretty shaken up with how these events had followed each-other so closely, each time having to intervene asap to make sure no-one gets hurt. First the dogs and the hadeda, then the dogs and Bumi, then Timeless and the parrot and then Timeless and Baru!
 
Living together with animals is always seen as something 'idyllic' – as though, because you live with a lot of animals in the same place, everyone lives in peace with one another all the time. Yes, there are moments where different animals are able to live with each other, enjoying each other's presence – but, just as with humans, there is also conflict. And the more animals live together in one area, the more conflict there is – just as with humans. If it hadn't been for all the fences and gates and Bernard being the 'alpha dog' – we wouldn't have been able to live with so many animals on one farm.
 
Even just in our house, we spend a lot of time on 'animal-management' as we live with a parrot, a duck, two hens and 6 dogs. There used to be 3 chickens: the two hens and one rooster – but we had to find another solution for the rooster, because, as his 'roosterness' developped, he became more and more aggressive towards Chimera (small dog) and started attacking her, pecking at/pulling on her eye-lids. We had just set up a new chick's house in the back of the garden, so we decided to place Tweeter (the rooster) in with the chicks. 
 
That was quite a tough decision and experience, because Tweeter had been with Lj and myself from the day he was born. His mother wasn't taking care of him to be able to take care of his sisters who were a bit older and already able to walk. So, we took Tweeter in and trained him to be able to live with humans and dogs. He even learned how to bark! When the dogs were barking, he'd blare out this horrible sound, which was his bark, lol. 
 
So far the hens haven't caused any problems, nor do the dogs have issues with them – so we will see how this develops. At the moment, the hens actually seem more relaxed with Tweeter being gone. We also haven't yet gotten to the state where the hens are laying eggs, they're still too young. So that will be another point that will require consideration and direction. The 'shitting-problem' was solved through making diapers for the chickens. It's like a harness that I sewed up, that's got a pouch where we place in paper towel. And every few hours, we change their diapers, meaning: throw out the old paper towel and place in fresh one. We cannot let them live in the garden, because of Baru, and because they might escape through the fences. And we tried to train them to shit on newspaper, but it just wouldn't take. So, now they have to wear diapers.
 
When things 'go well' where various animals and humans are able to live together, it's not because of everyone just 'liking each other' and simply 'getting along'. It requires planning, consideration, training, management, awareness, attention and… trial and error. It's not something that 'just is' or 'just happens', it is a 'work in progress'. And sometimes you can want to make it work as much as you can, but you have to consider practicality. Like we had to do for Tweeter. We wouldn't practically be able to 'get Tweeter to a point' where he would be able to 'peacefully' co-exist with the other animals in the house. Because his programming as a rooster of dominating those 'under him' is so ingrained as himself, that it'll require a lot more time than we practically have available, to get him to that stable point of being able to co-exist with others without trying to dominate them and cause shit. So, we re-homed him. He currently seems to be quite satisfied as being the rooster in the midst of hens and chicks. We 'hope' he'll also share with them his story and experience of living with us, so that, in turn, he can assist the other chickens. 
 
So, here just sharing my experience of today as well as some observations within working and living with the animals on the farm, which is where I am currently exploring and enjoying myself a lot!
 
Thank you for reading. 



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