This blog-post is a continuation to the post 'Day 141: Pride - The Root of All Sin?', please read it for context.

In my previous post, I mentioned how I connected pride to ‘being proud’ when having accomplished something, where when I had done something ‘well’, I was placed in the limelight for a moment as a congratulation on my success.

Within my childhood, these moments were frequent. It started when I was in my ‘3rd toddler class’ – the year before first grade. In that year, my brother had started to teach me how to read. I’m not entirely sure how it started, but I think I was just fascinated by the things he was learning since he was 4 years older than me and I probably asked him to teach me how to read, or he just proposed to teach me. So, when we had time, he would teach me how to read letters and I started learning to read one-syllable words. In third toddler class, you mostly just play all day, but I started sitting with a piece of paper and try to write words. I would practice the ones that Gabriel, my brother, had taught me and I would try new ones on my own. I asked my teacher to check it once and she asked how it is I knew how to read and write, so I told her my brother had taught me some. One day she gathered the whole class and together we went to the first grade class. She said ‘I have something to show everyone! Maite here can read already! You don’t have to believe me, I’ll show you’. They had a train with letters and she started taking pieces of the train to form words, I was anxious, because, well, I only knew so many words, so I was hoping she wouldn’t make a word I didn’t know how to read. She made the word ‘sun’ and asked me to read it. I was relieved, I knew that one, so I said ‘sun’. Then she did a few others, and I knew them all. Everyone clapped and I felt a bit awkward. For one, because I wasn’t sure why they were making a big deal out of it – I just had an interest and did it for myself, I enjoyed it. Second, because I couldn’t REALLY read, I only knew one-syllable words and not even all of them, so I felt like a fraud.

From then on, I created a reputation of being ‘smart’. For my first graded report in 1st grade, I had the maximum marks on all tests and so had 100% on my report. That day, I had taken a ride with my friend to ballet class and my mom had gone to pick up my report, so I didn’t know what it said. When I came home from ballet class, I found my mother in tears. I thought ‘oh no, was it that bad!’ Then she came and she hugged and kissed me and I still didn’t understand what was happening. My brother came and showed me the report and said: ‘you have 100%!’ I looked at the report, and it showed all the tests and the marks, which were all the maximum ad then the ‘sum’ of 100% at the bottom. I thought, well, yes, I knew all the answers, so it makes sense, no? Again I didn’t understand why it was such a big deal, because I just did what they told me to do and answered the questions on the tests. I understood everything, so I could answer everything. But it seemed, from how they were behaving, that this wasn’t normal. I wasn’t sure why they were proud of me, because I didn’t ‘do’ anything special, I just ‘did it’.

And it continued like that mostly throughout my school years, I didn’t have any problems with anything really. When I got to 4th grade, my mom started becoming worried about me. I’m not sure why, but she thought I was changing and she thought I must be bored in school. She asked me if I was and I said ‘maybe, I suppose’. She asked the principal if it would be possible for me to skip a year and I did. I struggled initially when I was trying to catch up with the material from the year before on my own time, but by Christmas I had gone back to top of the class grades.

In anything else I did outside school, I seemed to be ‘naturally’ proficient as well. Whether it was drawing school, ballet, music, flute – I was always in the ‘top of the class’ and each time I was told I was ‘gifted’.

So, within my childhood years, I had many moments where I was placed in the limelight, where people were ‘showing off’ with me or using me as an example to others. Although I enjoyed those moments, because they made me feel good about myself, at the same time I was not happy with the way people saw me and the expectations they had. I felt pressured to perform well in every area of my life. It started to think that people, and specifically adults, liked me only because I was ‘successful’, to call it that. Within this I started becoming more insecure and afraid about making mistakes, because if I wasn’t able to keep up ‘the good work’, then people might start rejecting me, or stop loving me.

Herein I specifically remember a situation in 2nd grade where we were learning the multiplication tables. We would do tests almost every week and then the teacher implemented a system where, after the test she would grade everyone and those with the highest grades would then play the multiplication game. Where, basically, we each started at the back of the class, lined up horizontally and the teacher would state a multiplication calculation and then the first one to should out the answer could take a step forward, the first one to reach the front of the class wins. I was usually part of these games, but I absolutely hated them due to the amount of anxiety and fear I would experience. I would be totally shaking inside and didn’t know how not to feel like that. I would start dreading these games to such an extent, that I decided to just do bad on my test. I felt it was a dilemma, because I was expected to be one of the ‘gamers’. Anyway, I thought the trade-off was worth it. So, I deliberately made mistakes on my test so I wouldn’t be part of those playing the game. And now, that time, of course, the teacher didn’t wait to grade the tests, but just called up the same people who always participate, to do the game. After the teacher had graded the paper, I saw her comment under my mark saying ‘!?!?’

What started happening within all of this is that I started trying to hide my mistakes for fear of letting people down. What people seemed to be expecting was perfection or near perfection, so that’s what I would try to project. ‘I don’t do mistakes’. But within myself I was the total opposite, I was anxious and insecure, and would go into absolute rage when I didn’t get something right. Learn more »

With this blog I am starting a 7 Year Journey to Life. One blog a day for 7 years, wherein I write myself out and let go of mind-patterns through using Self-Forgiveness, as well as creating the solution through Self-Corrective Statements, wherein I prepare myself to walk the change.

The first thought that popped into my head in relation to starting the 7 Year Journey was: I’ll never keep it up, I shouldn’t be doing this, because I won’t pull it through in any case. With this one thought – I indicated that I wanted to give up before I had even started! This is a recurring pattern in my life, where I only want to take on projects or endeavours where I am pretty much nearly 100% certain that I will be successful at it. And if I doubt myself in being able to pull something off, I’ll rather not start it in order to avoid feeling like a failure.

So, here goes:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’ll never keep up a 7 year commitment to blog each day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – before having even started – project what the outcome of this endeavour would be, and in imagining myself being inconsistent and eventually giving up – I believe that this is what will happen and therefore, instead of walking the process in the physical, I immediately give up then and there, to not give myself a chance to ‘screw up’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I undertake a new project or endeavour, that I should be perfect at it from the start until the end – not allowing myself to process of learning from my mistakes and perfecting myself as I walk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as someone who can undertake and complete a project with great ease and to not defy that definition of myself, I will simply avoid any projects where I feel like I may possible fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in terms of past memories where as a chid I would do things with great ease and everyone around me would be stunned at how easily I would complete a project or task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how other people see me and believe that if others start seeing me differently, that then I will lose myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others starting to see me differently if I were to stumble and struggle to complete a project or endeavour.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to live up to the standard others hold me to in order not to lose myself, my self-worth and my self-esteem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself, my self-worth and my self-esteem in how others judge me and to what extent they see me as worthy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see failing as a definitive point where – if I fail, it is too late, I am a failure and there is nothing I can do to redeem myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to fail in the eyes of others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that stumbling and struggling is a part of learning a particular skill – where, as i stumble and struggle, I see where and how I can become more effective and thus, as I walk, I assist and support myself to expand, grow and excel.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to expand, grow and excel through only ever doing that which I know I’m good at.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally undertake a new project or endeavour, but only do it in terms of what people will think of me if I pull it off and whether they will hold me in high esteem or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in an illusionary realm where ‘who I am’ is someone who doesn’t make mistakes – instead of embracing the reality of the situation – that I am nowhere near perfect and I stumble, struggle and make mistakes in the process of learning and developing new skills.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that stumbling, struggling and making mistakes are bad things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge stumbling, struggling and making mistakes as bad things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself through holding unrealistic expectations of myself and if ever I may possible not answer to these expectations, sell myself short in giving up before I’ve started to not have to face any regret or shame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to face regret or shame.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that regret is an indicator that I am wallowing in self-pity over something I have done in the past, instead of forgiving myself, learning from the mistake and practically designing a solution to not make the same mistake again.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that shame is an indicator that I have sabotaged myself in a certain point and that I therefore require to investigate what I did it, how I did it and why I did it to be able to release the point in question and script a solution for myself for if I were to find myself in the same or a similar situation again.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want to make sure that I will be right before I do something, or that what I’ll be doing will be successfully executed and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that knowing that I will be successful is what self-trust is.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to expand self-trust to being sure that I will be here for myself no matter what and that I will learn from my mistakes and my past, assisting and supporting myself to expand, grow and excel to the point where I am certain that I am absolutely specific and effective in a particular point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up all kinds of excuses to justify why I it is okay for me to give up before I’ve even started a project so that I can feel like I did the right thing, while all the while I can self-honestly see that I am deceiving myself – but just to ‘shut myself up’, I’ll give myself all kinds of reasons to ‘prove’ and convince myself that I am doing the right thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself to a point of giving up by bringing up all kinds of memories from the past where I feel like I failed and where I felt hopeless and helpless as a way of convincing myself that if I take on the particular project before me – I will feel the same way and there will be nothing I can do to change myself, my experience, or my situation.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that resistance is a program that kicks in whenever I am standing in front of a transcendence point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – in giving in to the resistance – state that resistance is more than me, that my mind is more than me and that I will forever more be a slave to my mind and existence as it is – accepting that I will never and can never change or take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that resistance is merely a program that I can push through to be able to face myself, my reality, my relationships and create a version of myself, my reality and my relationships that is actually best for all.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that in giving in to resistance and making up excuses and justifications for why I shouldn’t push through, I am actually arguing for my own self-limitation.

I realise that resistance is an indicator that shows me that I am standing in front of a transcendence point, that it is merely a program that I can push and move myself through to allow myself to expand and improve myself to a point of absolute self-equality and oneness.

I realise that there is no valid excuse or justification for selling myself short and accepting self-limitation.

I realise that mistakes, stumbles and struggles don’t mean the end of an endeavour and a definitive failure – instead, they are points along the road in the journey to life.

When and as I see myself resisting to commit to a certain project or endeavour, I stop, I breathe – I realise I am standing in front of a transcendence point and that the experience is not real but merely an automated program of the mind – therefore, I push through the resistance and unconditionally commit myself to the project or the endeavour within the starting point of giving it all I’ve got.

When and as I see myself making up excuses and justifications for why I should or shouldn’t do something – I stop, I breathe – I look at what it is that I am resisting and afraid of, I apply the forgiveness, let go of the fear and embrace the new challenge before me.

When and as I see myself projecting myself into the future, imagining that I will fail at a project or endeavour that I haven’t even started yet – I stop, I breathe – I remind myself that I am not a fortune-teller and that it is unacceptable to sell myself short. Instead – I bring myself back here and practically move myself to undertake and complete the project or endeavour to the best of my ability. Learn more »