This blog post is a continuation to the following posts – please read them first for context:

Day 153: Snowy – My Mountain of Support
Day 154: Snowy – My Mountain of Support – Pt2

I explained in my previous post how I saw the particular construct I required to work with that Snowy had been showing me by living it out. I saw how the energy I was working with was ‘protectiveness’ and how the word in relation to which I would activate the word ‘protectiveness’ was the word ‘life’. I saw how there was both a positive polarity of desiring to protect life as well as a negative polarity as trying to protect myself from life.

As a child and growing up, I have always been reserved when interacting with others. Not that I would always stay in the background or be a loner or be the shy one in a group – I would make friends and have fun – but I would always be ready to ‘pull out’ in case I felt I had to. I had noticed that no matter how ‘nice’ a friend or a family member may seem in one moment, in another they can suddenly change and ‘turn against me’ – often unexpectedly, where I ‘wasn’t prepared for it’. The same with animals – in one moment a dog could be gentle and in another they could suddenly snap their teeth. The same with nature – the one moment I am playing in the garden on the grass, the next I get stung by a bee. In all these instances I felt that my sense of security was false, that I wasn’t really safe from ‘life’ as how I experienced it.

What I saw within using the tools of SRA3, is that I had defined the words ‘safe/protected’ within a mother-child relationship. You know – when you’re a child and you’re just sitting next to your mom on the couch and you rest your head on her chest, she wraps your arm around you and you can hear her breathing and her heartbeat – that experience of ‘I am protected, I am safe, nothing can happen to me’. That experience is what I desired.

So – within deciding who I would be within my life, I wanted that point of safety/protectedness to be a part of it. Of course, I couldn’t stay a child forever living with my mother – but I could become a mother myself. Because, a mother and child, I presumed, both take part in the same experience of safetyness/protectedness. Herein – my perception of mothers was also relevant. Of all the adults and their extent of participation and interaction with ‘life’ as that which I saw as unpredictable and dangerous – I thought mothers were the least exposed, because they are at home taking care of the children. Perhaps that is why I would say I wanted to become a mother of 5 kids – to make sure I’d never have the time to do anything else but be a mother, lol – but remain secluded, protected in the safety of my own home.

That was how the negative polarity to the word ‘life’ influenced ‘who I wanted to be in life’.

The positive polarity of the word ‘life’ refers to seeing life as something pure and innocent – and yet so fragile – something that can be easily corrupted, hurt and abused. From within my own fear of the ‘outside world’ – ‘life as we know it’ – I created a desire to protect this ‘pure, innocent’ life – and where I had defined this ‘pure/innocent life’ to exist was in babies and young children – the ones not yet influenced too much by ‘the world’ – who were still blissfully ignorant and under the impression that ‘life’ is welcome here. So – from the positive polarity of my definition of the word ‘life’ I wanted to be someone who protects ‘life’ in this world and of all the social roles in society – I saw that mothers taking care of babies/children were the ones to fit this bill.

So – through accepting both the fear and desire that sprung up within me from both the negative and positive polarities of my definition of the word ‘life’, I created a behavioral design of ‘protectiveness’ within me – both in relation to protecting myself as well as protecting others. That was the same behavior I saw in Snowy – where on the one hand she wanted to protect herself against Cesar, seeing him as a ‘threat’ while at the same time ‘protecting him’ through playing a nurturing role towards him.

I then went and wrote about all these points, applied my Self-Forgiveness and wrote my Self-Corrective Statements to remove the separation I had created towards the word ‘life’, to redefine the word as myself and diffuse this construct as a whole. I had shared with LJ and Leila what I’d seen in terms of how Snowy’s behavior mirroring mine. After I had done all my writing, SF and SCS – Snowy’s behavior immediately changed, lol. She was back to her ‘old self’. Leila noticed the drastic change in Snowy and asked me if I’d worked on my points – to which I said ‘yes’ with a big smile, lol. So – this was a very cool feedback point again –where Snowy showed me: you got it, girl – my work here is done. Lol. I gave her a big hug, amazed and grateful for the unconditional support that she is.
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to lead a ‘normal’ ordinary life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire to lead a normal ordinary life to exist as a backdoor within me to not complete my process, but walk away from any responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to walk away from responsibilities, because I believe that having responsibilities makes my life hard and difficult.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that responsibilities in and of themselves are not hard and difficult, it is only the resistance of taking responsibility and the fear of not being effective within my responsibilities that create the perception that the responsibilities within and of themselves are hard and difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ineffective within my responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to fail within my responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect leading an ordinary life to a life without stress, expectations or responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that beings leading a ‘standard’ life in terms of job, partner, kids don’t experience stress, don’t have to deal with expectations and don’t feel burdened with responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire to live an ordinary life to exist as a temptation in the back of my mind, as a voice saying: ‘you don’t have to do this, you know, you could just do what eeeeeverybody else does: just sit back and enjoy the ride!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is easier to live life with my mind being in control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to abdicate any responsibility towards life, to my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is hard to direct myself and apply myself consistently within the process of stopping the mind and creating and designing myself to be and become a living expression that is actually worthwhile living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – when I think of just giving it all up and going to lead an ‘ordinary life’ – feel as though a weight lifts off my shoulders and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that leading an ordinary life has actually something to do with this experience of relief.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to romanticise ‘the ordinary life’ in my mind through picturing it as a peaceful and quiet existence, while I come from an ordinary life and it was anything but peaceful and quiet – it was filled with confusion, conflict, frustration and depression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can change my lifestyle in such a way that I won’t have to take responsibility or face confusion, conflict, frustration and depression.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that no matter what ‘type’ of life I lead – I am the one leading it, I take myself with me – and thus, no matter where I am, I will always have to face myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that I could just forget about everything I have learned in the past few years so that I could go back to a life of ‘blissful ignorance’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a life of bliss actually exists in this world.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that the voice in my mind tempting me to simply walk away and take the ‘easy road’ is not real, but merely a program of the mind, designed to keep me enslaved to my mind, to ensure that I never actually realise myself, that I never actually stand up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing backdoors to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself through accepting and allowing backdoors to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just breathe through these ‘thoughts of temptation’, but instead participate in them, consider them and empower them – and in that kid and con myself into a state of delusion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing to consider to allow just one thought to throw me off my feet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider that a thought is superior to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that thoughts are superior to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my thoughts know what’s best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mind knows what’s best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind absolutely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have developed my most intimate and trusting relationship with my mind while completely disregarding myself or the actual physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define intimacy within having secret thoughts in my mind – where it’s ‘just me and my thoughts’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that intimacy exists within hiding secrets and having backchat.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be intimate with myself and develop a consistent effective intimate relationship with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mind has always been there for me and that it has ‘proven itself trustworthy’ over time – where my mind has proven ‘useful’ in deceiving others in order to control the situation and manipulate it to what I want to experience/have happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define effective relationships in terms of their ability to ensure my survival as a mind and mind-personality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a positive experience to the words ‘ordinary life’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to stop an uncomfortable experience of myself is to run away.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I cannot run away from myself and I cannot escape from myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that actively participating in the process of stopping the mind is actually taking the easy road and that if I feel/experience it as though I am taking the hard road, it is merely because I am not applying myself effectively, where I allow thoughts, resistance, backchat and fear to determine my experience of myself – instead of facing and investigating the points in detail and specificity, to stop the automated behaviours in and of the mind, to make way for myself to be able to effectively and consistently apply myself and participate within the physical reality.

When and as I see myself considering to walk away from my process and my responsibilities, to instead take the easy road – I stop, I breathe – I realise that my process and the responsibilities are not the problem, but that I am the problem – therefore, I direct myself to investigate any thoughts, backchat, resistance or fear in relation to walking my process or my responsibilities to then clear then with Self-Forgiveness and redirect myself with Self-Corrective Statements.

I commit myself to the process of assisting and supporting myself to stop any mind-interference with my life, with all life – to create a world where beings are able to fully, unconditionally and effectively express themselves and co-exist with each other. Learn more »