This blog post is a continuation to the following posts – please read them first for context:
Day 153: Snowy – My Mountain of Support
Day 154: Snowy – My Mountain of Support – Pt2
I explained in my previous post how I saw the particular construct I required to work with that Snowy had been showing me by living it out. I saw how the energy I was working with was ‘protectiveness’ and how the word in relation to which I would activate the word ‘protectiveness’ was the word ‘life’. I saw how there was both a positive polarity of desiring to protect life as well as a negative polarity as trying to protect myself from life.
As a child and growing up, I have always been reserved when interacting with others. Not that I would always stay in the background or be a loner or be the shy one in a group – I would make friends and have fun – but I would always be ready to ‘pull out’ in case I felt I had to. I had noticed that no matter how ‘nice’ a friend or a family member may seem in one moment, in another they can suddenly change and ‘turn against me’ – often unexpectedly, where I ‘wasn’t prepared for it’. The same with animals – in one moment a dog could be gentle and in another they could suddenly snap their teeth. The same with nature – the one moment I am playing in the garden on the grass, the next I get stung by a bee. In all these instances I felt that my sense of security was false, that I wasn’t really safe from ‘life’ as how I experienced it.
What I saw within using the tools of SRA3, is that I had defined the words ‘safe/protected’ within a mother-child relationship. You know – when you’re a child and you’re just sitting next to your mom on the couch and you rest your head on her chest, she wraps your arm around you and you can hear her breathing and her heartbeat – that experience of ‘I am protected, I am safe, nothing can happen to me’. That experience is what I desired.
So – within deciding who I would be within my life, I wanted that point of safety/protectedness to be a part of it. Of course, I couldn’t stay a child forever living with my mother – but I could become a mother myself. Because, a mother and child, I presumed, both take part in the same experience of safetyness/protectedness. Herein – my perception of mothers was also relevant. Of all the adults and their extent of participation and interaction with ‘life’ as that which I saw as unpredictable and dangerous – I thought mothers were the least exposed, because they are at home taking care of the children. Perhaps that is why I would say I wanted to become a mother of 5 kids – to make sure I’d never have the time to do anything else but be a mother, lol – but remain secluded, protected in the safety of my own home.
That was how the negative polarity to the word ‘life’ influenced ‘who I wanted to be in life’.
The positive polarity of the word ‘life’ refers to seeing life as something pure and innocent – and yet so fragile – something that can be easily corrupted, hurt and abused. From within my own fear of the ‘outside world’ – ‘life as we know it’ – I created a desire to protect this ‘pure, innocent’ life – and where I had defined this ‘pure/innocent life’ to exist was in babies and young children – the ones not yet influenced too much by ‘the world’ – who were still blissfully ignorant and under the impression that ‘life’ is welcome here. So – from the positive polarity of my definition of the word ‘life’ I wanted to be someone who protects ‘life’ in this world and of all the social roles in society – I saw that mothers taking care of babies/children were the ones to fit this bill.
So – through accepting both the fear and desire that sprung up within me from both the negative and positive polarities of my definition of the word ‘life’, I created a behavioral design of ‘protectiveness’ within me – both in relation to protecting myself as well as protecting others. That was the same behavior I saw in Snowy – where on the one hand she wanted to protect herself against Cesar, seeing him as a ‘threat’ while at the same time ‘protecting him’ through playing a nurturing role towards him.
I then went and wrote about all these points, applied my Self-Forgiveness and wrote my Self-Corrective Statements to remove the separation I had created towards the word ‘life’, to redefine the word as myself and diffuse this construct as a whole. I had shared with LJ and Leila what I’d seen in terms of how Snowy’s behavior mirroring mine. After I had done all my writing, SF and SCS – Snowy’s behavior immediately changed, lol. She was back to her ‘old self’. Leila noticed the drastic change in Snowy and asked me if I’d worked on my points – to which I said ‘yes’ with a big smile, lol. So – this was a very cool feedback point again –where Snowy showed me: you got it, girl – my work here is done. Lol. I gave her a big hug, amazed and grateful for the unconditional support that she is.
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Last night I had a conversation with LJ about the mother matrix system.
We have at the moment Boeboe, Chimera (3 month old puppy) and Tweety (about 3 week old chick) living with us in our room.
With having to take care of babies, my mother matrix system issues have been coming up a lot lately.
The point that I have been experiencing consciously is the point of feeling completely overwhelmed. First, when Chimera came it was quite an adaptation, because we had to 're-schedule'/'re-organize' everything we did because now there was a baby that needed constant care. Since Leslie-John is a guy and mostly works outside assisting with maintaining the Farm, this meant that I had to stay in the room most of the time. Just that fact of having to stay inside and not being able to just leave whenever I want, I found sooo ... what's the word? constraining. I felt stuck and constrained. I kept on hoping she would grow up fast so that she can go outside playing by herself without needing constant supervision.
Also, we had to make sure that Boeboe would get equal treatment and got the same amount of attention and so on, make sure we don't neglect him. Usually Boeboe would go outside all day, play with the workers and stuff, but since Chimera came, he's been wanting to stay with us in the room - which just makes things more 'demanding' because instead of having to look after 1 dog, we had to look after 2. Boeboe also doesn't like puppies while Chimera was fond of Boeboe. So, she wanted to play with him and he wanted her to fuck off. So we had to watch them mostly, to make sure she wouldn't get hurt and to push Boeboe to get over his crap. (Now Boeboe and Chimera love playing with each other.)
Then, when everything started to settle and Chimera didn't need my supervision all the time (although I would still be mostly in the room with her) - we took in a chick. Now - a chick is constantly, continuously tweeting, non-stop. Just that fact made me go crazy the first few days. Also because a young chick needs warmth and so we would hold it on us and then he/she (we can't really tell the gender when they're young) would climb on my shoulder - next to my ear! And there it would be tweeting all day long. He/she'd only sleep for like 5 seconds at a time and even when falling asleep he/she kept on tweeting.
Of course with there being a new baby getting so much attention, Chimera and Boeboe wanted to get the same amount of attention. At some point I was sitting with Boeboe and Chimera on my lap and Tweety on my shoulder, trying not to move (because when I move Tweety tweets louder) and at the same time do my daily work on the computer. It was horrible!
The one day LJ was gone all day, I think he went to town or something - I was left alone all day to handle and take care of the little ones - by the time he came back I just burst into tears and told him he could never again leave me alone with them for so long. LJ just kept on laughing at my state - and eventually I was laughing with him.
Because of becoming so tired of having to constantly, continuously be there for them, I would get impatient with them whenever they don't listen. With simple things - and especially Chimera, for instance when I ask her to come so we can go back to the room or somewhere else, and she looks at me and deliberately runs in the opposite direction. Because of feeling helpless I'd sometimes fall into using anger as a way to manipulate her into 'obeying'. But even that didn't work.
I felt myself being pushed to that point where I either breathe and let go or become a complete controlling, angry monster like most parents are in this world. The fact that I've been in process investigating my childhood experience and how parents play such an important role in how you design yourself, how you develop yourself in your life and your world - pushed me to breathe - because I have experienced the consequences of angry, controlling parents and I don't wish that for anyone. And I know you might think now that 'because I say I want to do it different, I will become my parents' as explained within Desteni video-interviews. I disagree - because I understand and have practiced the tools with which I am actually able to step out of the cycle, which are breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective action. To say you want to make a difference without knowing how to make a difference will obviously have you keep on doing the exact same things.
Anyways, I started my post with "Last night I had a conversation with LJ about the mother matrix system." and I haven't written about that point yet. I have so far only explained my conscious experience of being in a mother-position - only that which I was aware of.
What we discussed last night was the point of fighting/pushing away the mother matrix system.
When I arrived on the farm about 2 years ago, I was the complete manifestation of the mother matrix system.
In seeing the extent in which this system had been directing me and influencing my life - I developed a fear of it. And whenever I was 'faced with' babies (animal or human) I'd try to push the system away, in expectation of it taking over.
So, the point me and LJ discussed last night is that I am still trying to fight off and push away the mother matrix system. He suggested that the system is me and that I can utilize the system in a way that is best for all, without the control and the manipulation and the worrying and so on. And I hadn't really looked at it that way.
He gave the example of Timeless. She is a Swiss Shepherd - so we figured that her breed was somewhere along the way trained and programmed to be herding dogs. So - if it is in her breed, it must be in Timeless as well. We assisted Timeless in utilizing this herding system, without her having to become/without being overcome by that system. Yesterday she actually 'rescued' a little duckling. It got lost in the back camp while the mother was in a cage in the stable's camp. Timeless carried her (with her mouth) by the neck back into the stable's camp. When LJ saw her with the duckling in her mouth he first thought she'd killed him, but then she dropped him off in front of LJ's feet and the duckling walked off :).
After our discussion, I had Tweety on my shoulder and she crawled behind my head for more warmth. But he/she kept on tweeting, like he/she was restless. Then I tried out what LJ suggested, to utilize the mother matrix system - I, within myself, envelopped him/her with softness/warmth, whatever you want to call it, like an imaginary blanket. And immediately Tweety became silent and fell asleep.
That was quite an amazing experience because of the immediate feedback as Tweety fell asleep. I also felt a big sense of relief - because I saw that I didn't have to fight the system, I could stop being afraid. And I realized that I had been wanting to do that, holding them like that within myself, for quite a while, but I denied myself the experience because of fear of the mother matrix system, fear of being dishonest, fear of being overcome/taken over.
On the 10th of December we have two more pups joining us - let's see how it goes :).
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