This blog-post is a continuation to:

Day 131: Who Am I in a Group?
Day 132: Who Am I in a Group? Clashes of Cultures
Day 133: Who Am I in a Group? - Nothing Left but Memories
Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1
Day 135: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company Pt2
Day 136: Who Am I in a Group? Dancing with a Ghost

Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as soon as I am beginning to be introduced to a new group – immediately try to define ‘my place’ in the group and my role/position/status in the group based on others’ behaviors, responses, looks, etc. – instead of realizing that – what they are experiencing is about them, not about me – this group is a group of individuals that has been created for some purpose or reason to do something together, but within that, each individual is equal to each other individual and there is no need to try to establish a social pecking order or try to find/define my position/role/status within the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be shy around strangers and to believe in those moments that ‘who I am is shy’ – and that I cannot be anything but shy in such a moment of being faced with strangers.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the primary reason for why I experienced shyness around strangers, was the thought and the fear ‘what if they don’t like me?’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, whenever I am faced with strangers, ask myself the question ‘what if they don’t like me?’ and within asking myself this question, access anxiety and fear of not being accepted within myself - as well as fear of being ridiculed and rejected – where, within such a moment, within running through such a ‘what if’ scenario very fast within my mind – I experience within myself in that moment the embarrassment of being ridiculed/rejected by these strangers – which then manifests as shyness in that moment – because I feel I have things to be embarrassed about and hence I should apparently be ‘on guard’ and not feel comfortable, but rather hide myself in the shadows as much as possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when being introduced to a new group, first always keep my distance in terms of keeping to myself and not only interacting with one person at a time, but never really participating in the group as a member of the group – because I first want to be able to see what kind of behavior is appreciated in the group and which is not – so that, as I start to see what kind of behavior is appreciated, develop a personality that fits in with the standards I see in terms of what people seem to like and not like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way to get to know people is to make sure that they like me beforehand – therefore creating and molding myself according to the particular type of personality that will be ‘most successful’ in terms of being accepted by the other members in the group – and to believe that only once I am accepted/liked, I can start sharing myself bit by bit so that others can get to know me and I can get to know others – instead of realizing that I don’t require to be ‘pre-approved’ by anything or anyone in order to be able to make a connection with others and, in fact, that I am creating within others expectations about ‘who I am’ based on the particular personality I am living out – which later will only be invalidated as I start to slowly open up and participated in sharing myself – and so at the very onset create the conditions for disappointment within my relationship and so compromise of the relationship with others as I walk into a relationship and group under false pretenses – where I would later feel that I in part have to keep ‘keep playing the personality’ and so limit myself in terms of how I express myself and what I share of myself so that I am not found out to be a fraud and rejected.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I ever really was ‘myself’ in a group – when actually, I would always very carefully continue to monitor people’s responses and feedback to me to see if I am deviating too much from the expectations they have of who I am in terms of the personality I introduced myself as initially, that was ‘accepted’ by them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start feeling guilty when participating in a group, especially if I would start enjoying myself and the other beings – because I knew in part I was participating in deception towards them and continued to do so because I felt it was now ‘too late to go back’ and didn’t want to give up my positive experiences within the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be skeptical of groups in terms of thinking/believing that it is unlikely that it will be fun experiencing myself in a group of so many different individuals when in my experience, each individual brings the potential that I will experience conflict with them – and therefore, any time where I do find myself in a group where there is a relative tolerance towards each other and a general mutual agreement to have fun and a good time together – I elevate it into something magical and miraculous within and as myself – accessing positive feelings of wonder, exhilaration, connectedness, euphoria, excitement, hope and love. Learn more »

This blog is a continuation of:
Day 30: Goodness as Positivity,
Day 31: You're My HERO!!!
Day 32: Consistency and
Day 33: Wanting to be the Star Pupil 
Day 34: Make a Happy Family 
Day 35:Don't Act like Lady Gaga - Act like a Real Lady!

- continuing to purify the word 'Good'.

In my mind, I have connected the word 'good' to:

Self-Sacrifice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘good’ within and as sacrificing oneself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I sacrifice myself for others, that it means that I am a good person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I must be like Jesus and sacrifice myself so that others don’t have to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept the idea that people who sacrifice themselves so others don’t have to suffer are noble heroes that should be applauded for their goodness and selflessness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise and understand that self-sacrifice is just another form of self-sabotage and doesn’t really bring any actual solutions.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that in sacrificing myself so others don’t have to suffer, I am allowing myself to carry other people’s burdens – burdens that they have created themselves and are for them to face – where I will then carry everyone else’s burden so that others may be relieved within the idea and belief that: “It is better that just one person suffers a lot than that many people suffer a little.”

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realise that playing the self-sacrifice character is just another way to get into someone’s good graces – thinking that: “if I do this for that person, that person will like me – or at least feel grateful or guilty and feel like he/she has to now repay me by doing me a favour or by being my friend.”

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realise that self-sacrifice is actually done from the starting point of self-interest – so that other people will see me as ‘good’ and then, I can feel good about myself – and/or, so that it is easier to get people to do things for me, because good people deserve to get what they want – and more.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realise that the self-sacrifice character is one of the most manipulative and disgraceful characters of all – because in apparently being absolutely innocent and selfless – the reasoning behind self-sacrificing acts is always within self-interest and never has anything to do with actually assisting other beings.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that in doing things for someone else, I am not actually assisting or supporting them in any way whatsoever – I am doing them a disservice, because if they had done the point/walked the point for themselves, they might have realised something or expanded themselves in some way – and thus, in sacrificing myself I am actually only taking opportunities away from others for self-growth, self-honesty and self-correction – just so I can feel good about myself – supporting their resistance instead of who they are as life as who they are able and capable of being.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that in sacrificing myself I am actually only supporting another’s self-limitation – and thus, accepting that self-limitation within myself as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to say ‘no’ when the point of self-sacrifice comes up because I fear that it is a bad thing not to want to sacrifice myself for others – and that, Jesus did it, therefore I shouldn’t have a problem with it either.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to say ‘no’ when the point of self-sacrifice comes up, because I don’t want others do dislike me for not having taken their burdens.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy people’s friendships with ‘apparent acts of kindness’ – and believe it to be normal and okay.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that every single friendship has always been based within manipulation of getting another person to like me vice versa.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within trying to get to know a person – think that I have to be friends with them, and thus, that they have to ‘approve’ me as their friend – and therefore, try to ‘score points’ with them in who/how I am towards them so that they will like me and approve me as a member of their friendsclub – instead of just being here and spending time with the person without assuming I need their permission to be in their presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I cannot just be with people, but that they must give me some kind of permission for me to be around them/speak with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always place myself in an inferior position to someone that seems interesting/someone I think I might enjoy spending time with – and therefore, wait to be ‘invited’ into their space, instead of realising and accepting myself as equal as this person and simply being here and sharing my hereness with this other person.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always wait for permission to speak when I am among ‘strangers’ or people I don’t know well – because I feel like my presence might be unwanted and therefore, I rather just sit in the background, unnoticed, while still being able to hear everything that’s being said, than say something that is not ‘well-received’ and then people realising I am there and thinking they’d prefer I wasn’t.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realise that self-sacrifice is basically self-compromise, where I will compromise myself to make another feel better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-compromise to exist within and as me – instead of seeing and realising that self-compromise is never a solution to anything and therefore, unacceptable as it creates unnecessary harm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in the name of friendships – because I thought and believed that without friends I was nobody in any case – therefore, sacrificing myself for friends makes sense – because friends will make me ‘count’, will make me ‘be someone’, will validate me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realise that if I sacrifice myself, there is nothing left to be validated in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others and from validation, by looking for validation within others and defining validation in separation for myself as ‘something others must give me’ – instead of simply validating myself as being here – I am here – therefore, I exist, therefore I don’t need anyone else to ‘make me into someone’. Learn more »