This blog is a continuation to
Day 72: My Body, My Battlefield,
Day 73: Afraid of Petrification,
Day 74: Con or Be Conned - The Social Law of Human Behaviour?
Specific points of fear I identified in relation to watching an episode of 'Curiosity' on what happens on a cellular level when a virus attacks the human body:
1. A secret intruder/a lurking evil
2. The conning and deceiving of the body's cells
3. The complete take-over of a cell, where 'who the cell originally was'
becomes non-existent and becomes an incubator for little virus babies
4. The manipulation of 'innocent' proteins
5. The ruthlessness/mercilessness in instant destruction
6. The singlemindedness of having one singular goal of destruction
3. The complete take-over of a cell, where 'who the cell originally was' becomes non-existent and becomes an incubator for little virus babies
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear in seeing how a virus infiltrates and takes over the controls of a cell through tricking it into carrying out the orders that the virus carries within its DNA, where 'who the cell originally was' becomes non-existent and the cell becomes an incubator for little virus babies.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a foreign entity taking over control of me to such an extent that 'who I am' no longer exists and I merely become a feeding ground for this entity.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that this is exactly what has happened within me - where the mind, as a foreign entity to my as my body has infused itself within my flesh and taken over absolute control, to the point where who I am as the body is completely non-existent and all that exists is a mind consciousness system that feeds off the energy generated by the physical body - torturing and consuming it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - when being in a relationship, try to change the other person by attempting to impose my ideas/views/values/thoughts/beliefs unto the other being, attempting to destroy the parts of them that don't support my views/ideas/values/thoughts and beliefs, so that the other person can become a better instrument in my world to feed my own ego and self-delusions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself, instead of realising that who I am doesn't yet exist in the first place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear something/someone outside of me influencing who I am and determining who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'me' within and as the mind consciousness systems as my own fears, ideas, perceptions, definitions, beliefs, opinions, judgments - and attempt to protect this construction of mind-patterns that I accept as 'me' from any 'foreign' intervention and influence as I think/believe that if any of these fears, ideas, perceptions, definitions, beliefs, opinions, thoughts and judgments are altered or removed - that it diminishes me.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that fears, ideas, perceptions, definitions, beliefs, opinions, judgments and thoughts are themselves foreign entities and thus, are nothing that require 'my protection' - but instead my scrutiny in investigating each and every single one to dispose of everything that in some way is deceptive.
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be completely unaware of my physical body as I have no clue and direct experience of all the activities and existence of all the proteins, vitamins, cells, viruses, etc. that exist and move within my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my physical body to such an extent that I am completely 'locked out' of any direct experience and awareness of how my body operates on a cellular level.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a bubble/space within my mind where I experience some form of 'self-awareness' in absolute limitation - and accept this limited form of 'self-awareness' to be sufficient and all there is to be aware of.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to develop awareness of my body through knowledge - not realising that knowledge is merely information in my mind and has nothing to do with direct seeing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is impossible to be aware of every cell of my human body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse awareness with thoughts - thinking/believing that to be aware of each and every cell and each and every lifeform within each cell means that I would have millions of thoughts in relation to every cell and lifeform within my body - and then think that this would be too overwhelming and therefore, give up on expanding my self-awareness based on a thought.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear war breaking out from the moment I found out about wars in the past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - as soon as I imagined a war breaking out and me experiencing it - project an image of chaos, destruction, sceams, soldiers, gunfire, explosions and an experience of absolute petrification.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realise that I fear war because I connect war to fear/petrification and thus - I fear war because I fear fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear petrification and fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that someone may secretly intrude into my house or my room.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a lurking evil - because I imagine that the moment I become aware of the evil, I will react in intense fear/petrification - and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a lurking evil because I fear my own fear.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realise that I am afraid of my own experience.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that evil lurks within and as who I am in every single secret thought of dishonesty that dishonours life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a lurking evil amongst other lifeforms for as long as I am not 100% trustworthy to act in accordance to what is best for all in every single moment.
To be continued.
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On the Curiosity show I saw an episode wherein they show what happens on a cellular level when a person gets a cold. I was absolutely astounded and shocked.
They showed in great detail how the virus penetrates the skin, how it moves through the cel, the defensive agents of the body that take action and how the virus usually sidesteps the attack or outclevers the defense system. Viruses have evolved to such an extent that they use the very tactics used by body to destroy it as a key-strategy for its own plan. Like - where it looks like the body is 'winning' - and then the virus goes: 'muahahaha! I was counting on that!'
The whole episode felt more frightening than any space-battle I have ever seen in sci-fi stuff. It's fascinating how we're going through our lives, completely unaware of the countless battles that are fought in our own body on a continuous basis.
The whole time I was thinking 'Damn! That virus is so EVIL!!' It's only purpose is to replicate, infect and ultimately destroy - a killing machine. By the end the virus had reprogrammed a cell to carry out the orders that the virus carried within him in his DNA: to replicate the virus and create an army. The virus, thus infiltrates the cell and uses it against itself. Once the army was unleashed, in a final attempt to stop the attack, surrounding cells sacrificed themselves. I mean - this is like ultimate warfare and it's not happening out in space - but right here in our very cells.
Also the defense systems used by the body were absolutely ruthless, tearing the virus apart and sucking it up - I mean, it was creepy.
If you want evidence of the statement: as above, so below - I suggest you watch the Episode - you can find it on YouTube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx3Jghr-LYA. The evil of human nature not only manifests in our behaviour towards others, in the rules of our economic system and in political scheming and strategising - it determines the interactions within our tissue, within our flesh, within our cells. One of the worst fears I grew up with was the fear of a war breaking out - it absolutely paralysed me - the thought of it was petrifying and the idea of the chaos and the fear I would probably experience were like my worst nightmare. Yet, all this time, war is being waged inside ourselves.
I mean - what does this say about my awareness? That it is basically non-existent - if I am not even aware of my own cells and what goes on within them. I have to get a snotty nose before I realise something's up - but by that time several battles have already been fought.
So - what are the specific points of fear that came up?
1. A secret intruder/a lurking evil
2. The conning and deceiving of the body's cells
3. The complete take-over of a cell, where 'who the cell originally was' becomes non-existent and becomes an incubator for little virus babies
4. The manipulation of 'innocent' proteins
5. The ruthlessness/mercilessness in instant destruction
6. The singlemindedness of having one singular goal of destruction
I'll take on these points through Self-Forgiveness in my next blog.
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