In my previous post - Day 146: The Credit is Mine! - I said that as I was writing, I had a memory come up. So, if you haven’t yet – I suggest reading the previous post first.
The memory that came up was quite a ‘significant one’ – meaning: a memory that I have been working with for quite some time or that has come up several times in my process and each time there are different points revealed from/of it. And so, here again, lol.
This memory stands in relation to my relationship with a particular person that I was not on good terms with. I experienced this person as judgmental, unfair and brutal. Needless to say that over time, I accumulated a vast amount of reactions and resentment towards this particular person, but I would never voice them – I would brood and curse in silence and complain about the person to others. Now, within this memory – I was having a discussion with my mother and we were not agreeing on something. This other person was present as well and at some point started shouting and ranting at me – I cannot remember all that was said – but one particular point I remember very clearly – these were the words that triggered my reactions to ‘shoot through the roof’, smash the plate I was holding onto the kitchen floor, shout that I’ve had enough at the top of my lungs and get into a huge fight.
Now – those particular words that were said that triggered my reactions to go through the roof – I had always remembered them, but I hadn’t placed any importance on why I was remembering these words or even why these words had such an impact in terms of the intensity of my reactions increasing so extensively. The words were ‘you think you’re the queen and everyone must just bow for you’ – lol. So, in writing my previous blog about how I experience the prideful character as being a queen on a throne within myself and any time someone gives ‘praise’ it is like a person bowing before the queen and how this relationship to praise had become like an addiction within myself – in ‘needing people to praise me’ – I could suddenly why these words that were spoken in that moment would have such a big impact – because they were striking at the heart of the prideful character that I had become, lived and embodied totally and completely by that age.
It is fascinating – every time I would remember these words I would think ‘that just shows how little this person knew and understood me, if that’s how they see me – a queen who wants everyone to bow for her’ – because on a conscious level and how I would interact with people on a conscious level, I did not at all see myself this way, let alone want to be seen this way – but on a deeper level, these words summarized a very large aspect of who I was accepting and allowing myself to be and exist as.
Herein – I remember very clearly how the word ‘queen’ within what he said, was the one word in relation to which I allowed a flood of reactions to surge up inside me – showing that this is a word that is polarized within and as me – holding both positive and negative charges.
So, I’ll write a bit more on the polarization of the word ‘queen’ in my next post.
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The reason why the Law of Attraction doesn't work is simple: because imagination and reality don't match. We've all had experiences where we would imagine entire scenarios and stories in our minds, where we would practice and fabricate in our minds how things would play out exactly; how we would behave, what we would say, what we would wear, what the other person/people would respond, how funny or serious or mysterious or beautiful or intimidating they'd think you'd be - everything to the most specific detail.
I recently remembered a specific event in my life that took place about 5 years ago. My high school used to organise summercamps for the students who wanted to go - and I went with several times. The last time I went with, I sprained my ankle during the holiday. The teacher then told us we were going to do a 2-day hike in the mountains. I've done 2-day and 3-day hikes in the mountains before, on different summercamps - and, from what I knew, a 2-day hike or a 3-day hike is always kind of the same - where you walk up a mountain, where in the end you have to kind of climb the last bit, because it gets very rocky, often there's also snow or ice. When you get to the top, there's a cabin where you then have your supper and sleep to then wake up bright and early the next day and do the descent if it's a 2-day hike and if it's a 3-day hike, you descend and climb another mountain as well, stay the night at another cabin and then come down on the third day. So - with that in mind, I told the teacher: Well, I won't go with then. And he said: What? Of course you're going with. I explained to him that, with a swollen and sprained ankle, I wouldn't be able to handle it and that I'll just stay at the house we were staying at. He said that was out of the question and that I'd definitely be able to handle it. He said it would just be a road that goes along a mountain and then there's a cabin where we'd sleep and then take the same road down. He made it sound like we were 'going for a walk' on a tar road. I explained to him what I knew of 2-day and 3-day hikes and that if it's anything like that, there was no way I would be able to do it. He re-assured me that it was nothing like that, something very easy that anyone would be able to do. I also asked him then if sneakers would be fine to wear, instead of hiking boots and he said 'yeah, sure, that's fine!'.
So - this teacher was going to walk in the front and another teacher was going to walk at the back with me and two other girls who weren't physically feeling too well at the time. And, yes - it starts of like the kind of walk he described, where there's a relatively flat road going along the mountain. But quite soon, we noticed this road become smaller and smaller and it quickly shrank into a little mountain trail. When this happened I knew that what the teacher had explained to me was not what was going to happen. I started become annoyed, frustrated and angry, because he hadn't checked his information and just assumed that he knew what it would be like - and now it was too late for me to stay behind - I had to get up that mountain before sun-down. From here things just escalated in myself - for the rest of the climb, wherein I twice slipped and hurt my ankle again because I was wearing slippery sneakers on wet rocks (Yes, it had started raining as well!) - for the rest of the climb I was just imagining what I would say to that teacher once I'd get up to that cabin.
Man - I went over a hundred different scenarios - and in each one I was pissed off, in some I would give him the silent treatment, in others I was shouting and screaming, in others I slapped him in the face. This teacher had by the way also become a personal friend, so that's why I was even more infuriated and why I'd consider things like slapping him - lol. The entire time - my face was just tight with rage - like I was ready to kill someone and time after time I'd imagine these scenarios of what I would do, what he would respond, whether he'd fight me on the issue or whether he'd say nothing. I would also often hear his voice from a distance - because, obviously, me, the two girls and the other teacher had fallen quite a bit behind on the rest of the group - and I'd hear him signing or making jokes. So - that put even more fuel on the fire, because he was having a good time where I was suffering and it seemed like he didn't care or didn't notice. So - those things I wanted to throw at his face as well - I had several entire speeches prepared and kept tweaking them over and over.
By the last bit, of the climb, my entire body was shaking, I was cold and exhausted - I have no idea how I managed to get up there with my swollen ankle! Then, when finally arriving at the cabin, I was entirely pumped up and ready to give him a piece of my mind. I walked into the cabin and into the dining area where the others were already waiting. He sees me and walks up to me and as I'm trying to put on my angriest face, he says 'I AM SO SORRY'. As he said that, I just started crying and crying - he came up and gave me a hug. He was kind of half laughing because of the absurdity of what I'd just done and what he'd put me through - but I didn't get angry, instead I laughed with him - while I was still crying. I punched my fist twice in his arm as to say 'you asshole' - to which he laughed more and me too. He was a big guy, so don't worry, he could take it - lol. He then told me to go sit down, asked how I was doing and then brought me a hot chocolate. And that was that. My body heated up, the meal gave me my strength back and I enjoyed the company. All the anger and screaming and conflict that I had imagined would take place, just vanished as soon as I was actually in the actual real moment I had been imagining about.
It didn't matter how hard I thought about what would happen, it didn't matter how much fervor, anger, energy I put into it, it didn't matter how often I repeated my imaginings - when it came to reality - the imaginations were completely irrelevant and didn't match reality at all! It showed me how I had really wasted so much of my energy during the climbing of the mountain, placing my attention in my head, in an imaginary realm, instead of looking where I was going - especially with a sprained ankle! LOL!
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In my life, I've known several people who tended to be very impulsive. It's like they heard about or saw something new and then would 'delve into it' all the way - like they were on a mission. I used to enjoy seeing them do this, it was fascinating to me - because they just in one moment took a certain direction and stuck with it. At least for a while... Generally, they'd become disinterested and then their participation in that one point would just stop or water down - in the end, leaving things unfinished or not really accomplishing anything.
Within myself, in seeing people behave/act this way where they would just leave things hanging, I experienced disappointment. Because - within seeing individuals just jump into things without fear or hesitation, I created an experience of 'hope' within myself - that things can be different. Because, within myself, I was generally too afraid to just plunge into something new without first considering things or dipping my toes in the water. I was always cautious, controlling - but within that, I felt I wasn't really accomplishing anything 'sensational' - only things that were 'satisfactory'.
So - when I'd see another just immediately jumping in the deep end, I'd watch with hopeful and expectful eyes - and then in seeing the person just leave the point as suddenly as they took it on - I got disappointed. But not only disappointed, there was also an experience of anger - anger, because I blamed them for me feeling disappointed. And not only anger, but also a sense of 'betrayal' - lol - like 'you made it look like you were going to stick with this point all the way and now you didn't!' - lol. Instead of me taking action for myself and working through my fear, anxiety and desire for control - to be able to just express myself and allow myself to be passionate about things - and to allow myself to accomplish things that are sensational - instead of doing that, I would expect others to do it and let me 'ride on their wave of change'. Because also what would happen when people would engage in something new like that, they'd be excited and tell me about it - and so, I got to share in that excitement - and then when the point is left, that excitement stops, and so does my excitement stop.
And so, after a while, I developed a resentment towards impulsiveness - where those experiences of disappointment, anger, blame and betrayal would surface as soon as I'd see someone just suddenly being all over a certain point - because I'd think 'it's just another 'phase' and it would just end up going nowhere. And, what's more, is that I would interpret any decision made in a moment as an impulsive decision - thinking and believing that any decision that is made in the moment is a decision to which a person will not remain committed.
Within this, I've created a resistance towards decisions that are made in a moment - where I'll first take on an attitude of 'wait and see' - first wanting to establish whether this decision would be consistently lived and only then, would I consider joining in. Within the Desteni group, you'll find that decisions are always made in the moment - so, for instance, with the Journey to Life blogs - when this point was presented, suggesting that we'll, individually and together as a group, walk a process of posting a blog every day for 7 years. To me - this seemed like an 'impulsive' decision, when actually, it was just a spontaneous decision. So, what's the difference?
An impulsive decision is a decision made based on a thought, based on energy. Initially, when making the decision and implementing it, a reward is received in the form of positive energy. The thing is, this energy runs out after a while, or it starts to take more effort to generate the same amount of positive energy. When this happens, the motivation to stick with the decision slowly or not so slowly disappears and one no longer holds up one's commitment to the decision.
A spontaneous decision, on the other hand - is a decision that is made in the moment, not 'in the spur of the moment', but in the clarity of the moment. A moment where the decision stands clear as something that needs to be done or something one would like to commit to.
To be continued.
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