I noticed a point today that, when I am faced with a life-altering decision, I go into a complete point of resistance. Eventually, I move myself towards practically considering the facts involved - but initially, that first experience still comes up.

The resistance is not so much in relation to either one of the options - but in relation to having to make the decision itself. I keep going back to the thought 'I don't know what would be best!'

Considering my previous blog-series this is quite fascinating as my whole life I've been wanting to make my own decisions and having the space and money to make my own decisions - but now, when it comes to it, I just keep thinking that someone else should tell me what to do - and most prominently, I find myself wanting to get advise from my mother.

Throughout my life I was never really shown how to practically make a decision - when I asked for advise - people would present me with questions to answer, such as:
- What do you want?
- Will you regret doing option B if you go for option A?
- If you go for option A and it fails, do you have a back-up plan?

The advanced considerations always stood in the context of my fears and my desires - where I would then weigh my fears against my desires and then make a decision according to what I perceived would yield the highest positive result.

So - in realizing that desires and fears are no valid premise to base a decision upon, because positive and negative charges are volatile,where something that was first seen as positive turns into something negative or something expected to be negative, is actually experienced as positive - so my expectations of and experiences of negative and positive points would keep changing and altering during the decision-making and even after the decision-making, which would then confuse me and make me wonder whether I made the 'right choice'.
So - in realizing that my feelings and emotions are no trustworthy guide in life, I feel I am left with nothing - that is my first, initial, immediate experience: a big black hole of nothingness.

I've within my process developed a method of making practical decisions - but the fact that this resistance-experience still comes up, indicates that I still have a tendency of not trusting myself in the face of the unknown - where - when I see nothingness and have to actually direct, create and move myself into the future - I immediately go into a belief of limitation and am grabbing to something or someone else to get a foothold, to have a reference, to have confirmation, to have validation - instead of simply trusting myself here - standing equal and one as the nothingness, one can consider everything. If one doesn't stand equal and one as nothingness, it means one has already placed oneself into a particular mind-set, a particular opinion, a particular belief, a particular attitude - from where you already limit and compromise your ability to see what would actually be best.

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In my life, I've known several people who tended to be very impulsive. It's like they heard about or saw something new and then would 'delve into it' all the way - like they were on a mission. I used to enjoy seeing them do this, it was fascinating to me - because they just in one moment took a certain direction and stuck with it. At least for a while... Generally, they'd become disinterested and then their participation in that one point would just stop or water down - in the end, leaving things unfinished or not really accomplishing anything.

Within myself, in seeing people behave/act this way where they would just leave things hanging, I experienced disappointment. Because - within seeing individuals just jump into things without fear or hesitation, I created an experience of 'hope' within myself - that things can be different. Because, within myself, I was generally too afraid to just plunge into something new without first considering things or dipping my toes in the water. I was always cautious, controlling - but within that, I felt I wasn't really accomplishing anything 'sensational' - only things that were 'satisfactory'.

So - when I'd see another just immediately jumping in the deep end, I'd watch with hopeful and expectful eyes - and then in seeing the person just leave the point as suddenly as they took it on - I got disappointed. But not only disappointed, there was also an experience of anger - anger, because I blamed them for me feeling disappointed. And not only anger, but also a sense of 'betrayal' - lol - like 'you made it look like you were going to stick with this point all the way and now you didn't!' - lol. Instead of me taking action for myself and working through my fear, anxiety and desire for control - to be able to just express myself and allow myself to be passionate about things - and to allow myself to accomplish things that are sensational - instead of doing that, I would expect others to do it and let me 'ride on their wave of change'. Because also what would happen when people would engage in something new like that, they'd be excited and tell me about it - and so, I got to share in that excitement - and then when the point is left, that excitement stops, and so does my excitement stop.

And so, after a while, I developed a resentment towards impulsiveness - where those experiences of disappointment, anger, blame and betrayal would surface as soon as I'd see someone just suddenly being all over a certain point - because I'd think 'it's just another 'phase' and it would just end up going nowhere. And, what's more, is that I would interpret any decision made in a moment as an impulsive decision - thinking and believing that any decision that is made in the moment is a decision to which a person will not remain committed.

Within this, I've created a resistance towards decisions that are made in a moment - where I'll first take on an attitude of 'wait and see' - first wanting to establish whether this decision would be consistently lived and only then, would I consider joining in. Within the Desteni group, you'll find that decisions are always made in the moment - so, for instance, with the Journey to Life blogs - when this point was presented, suggesting that we'll, individually and together as a group, walk a process of posting a blog every day for 7 years. To me - this seemed like an 'impulsive' decision, when actually, it was just a spontaneous decision. So, what's the difference?

An impulsive decision is a decision made based on a thought, based on energy. Initially, when making the decision and implementing it, a reward is received in the form of positive energy. The thing is, this energy runs out after a while, or it starts to take more effort to generate the same amount of positive energy. When this happens, the motivation to stick with the decision slowly or not so slowly disappears and one no longer holds up one's commitment to the decision.

A spontaneous decision, on the other hand - is a decision that is made in the moment, not 'in the spur of the moment', but in the clarity of the moment. A moment where the decision stands clear as something that needs to be done or something one would like to commit to.

To be continued.

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I've had several people asking how to make a self-honest decision - like, how can they be sure that the decision they make is self-honest. See - the tendency exists to try to make decisions in one's mind, where reasons for one or the other way are floating around in one's mind and one cannot really see clearly. The mind will continuously jump from one side to the other, from one reason to the other, creating confusion, doubt and fear.

The method I use, especially with decisions that involve a lot of fear - where the mind perceives it has a lot to lose if one goes for 'Door 1' or 'Door 2' - to make the decision-making process a practical one. Practical - meaning: to not try/attempt to make a decision in one's mind - because herein one will never see where one is self-honest and where one is not. Therefore - here is a suggested method:

To take a piece of paper and make two columns. Let's say the decision pertains to moving in with someone or staying to live by oneself. A decision has to be made between:

Option 1: Moving in with X
Option 2: Living by myself

Once you have established what options are involved in your decision - you write at the top of the first column 'Moving in with X' - or whatever your first option is - and 'Living by myself' - or whatever your second option is - at the top of the second column. Then strike a horizontal line underneath those words, accross both columns.

Then - under the horizontal line, in column one - you list all the reasons that come to mind of why you would go for Option 1 - or in our example: why you would Move in with X. This can be for instance:

- I'll have more fun living with another person
- I need someone to help me financially
- I deserve to have the experience of having a roommate
- Then I don't have to miss X when I'm home
- etc.

Once you've listed all the reasons that come to mind in relation to Moving in with X (or your Option 1), do the same for Option 2.

IMPORTANT: Within Identifying the reasons that come to mind in relation to Option 1 or Option 2 - be Absolutely Self-Honest. Meaning: Don't leave anything out - even if it only pops up for a tiny second and then you go 'nah, that's not really a reason' - go back - and add the reason in. The fact that it came up means that on some level it does influence and impact your decision-making process.

Once you have listed all your reasons for either Moving in with X or staying ot live by yourself, take one reason at a time and unconditionally apply Self-Forgiveness on any point of self-dishonesty that you can identify within that particular reason for either chosing for Option 1 or Option 2. Once you have cleared the first reason of all Self-Dishonesty (after which you may or may not have debunked the reason altogether), you repeat the same process of self-forgiveness with every other reason on your piece of paper.

After your self-forgiveness, you'll find that most of the reasons you wrote down on your piece of paper were not actually self-honest reasons but were merely justifications used to try and convince yourself that either Option 1 or Option 2 is the right thing to do. So - after your self-forgiveness, you'll be able to identify which reasons are valid considerations and which are not. If you're lucky, you'll only have one valid reason - which makes your decision-making easy, because then you simply look at which column the reason is in and you see which option would be self-honest. If you have several options to consider, you can now do so without the other reasons floating around in the background, which 'clog' your view and make it difficult to see the trees through the forest.

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The Interview 'When Life Turns its Back on You' was quite eye-opening for me. I realised how much we take our parents for granted. As a child, we just think it's normal that another human being is at your disposal all the time - there to take care of you, look after you and giving you direction in your day or in your life. Even as we grow older and start to gain some understanding of and experience with responsibility, we don't often stop to consider the kind of commitments our parents made within their decision to have children - where, they decide and commit to placing a child at the centre of their universe and start living their lives in service of the child.

And sure, I know - we didn't ask to be born and it's not our problem if our parents decided to give up their personal lives to take care of us - it was THEIR decision and even the reasons for having children may have been twisted and contain some kind of hidden agendas as expecting that the child may for instance 'fix' their lives or or their marriage. But still - I can't even conceive of such a dedication and such a commitment.

And then when we grow up and become adults we just want to go and live our own lives and in some cases distance ourselves from our 'old folks' - like they are a burden and are something to discretely and slowly be disposed of. Don't get me wrong - I don't think or feel that we are indebted to our parents and therefore now should give up our lives to take care of them. Though, listening to this interview showed me that I had never really considered who my parents are as a being and what they go through and have gone through in being a parent. I only ever considered my side as the 'child' and my own experience towards them - without ever placing myself in my parents' shoes - which would've probably changed my whole experience and relationship with them while growing up.

So - if you have this experience towards your parents of them being a burden and kind of wanting to distance yourself from them - or if you're considering to become a parent and would like to have an idea of what you're in for: I'd definitely suggest you listen to this interview. It may change your whole experience - whether as a parent or as a daughter/son in relation to your parents.

If each one - parent or child - would always take full and complete responsibility for themselves and not expect the parent or child to fulfill them - then parent-child relationships could actually stand within oneness and equality, respect and consideration. Where the point of giving and receiving care becomes mutual and unconditional and not because of an experience of guilt or expectation...

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Yesterday I made mayonnaise for the first time. I’ve eaten mayonnaise my whole life. I used to be very peculiar about what foods I liked and which I didn’t and Gabriel, my brother, showed me how, if you just cut up everything in your plate, add mayonnaise and then mash it all together, it suddenly becomes a lot tastier – lol. In all those years, however, I never bothered to find out what mayonnaise is, what’s in it or how it’s made. You buy mayonnaise in the shop, you open it, you eat it – that’s what I knew about it. My grandmother used to make mayonnaise once in a while – I thought that because she’s very skilled with cooking that she can do something like that. For some reason I thought it would be very difficult to make.

So, yesterday I try out a recipe for mayonnaise. I basically had to chuck a very small amount of ingredients in a jug and then mix them together. For the most part, it consisted of egg yolk and vegetable oil. When I saw the ingredients in the jug I was like “huh, how is that ever going to turn out like mayo?'”Anyhow, I continued to follow the recipe’s instructions by first holding the blender to the bottom of the jug and mixing for 15 seconds. Already after a few seconds the ‘liquidy’ mix started turning into a more jelly-like substance. I was like WOOOOW! I had no idea that THAT’s how they made mayonnaise. It was like magic! It was suddenly just there. It took me 2 minutes to make the mayo – and it was pretty damn good too.

What I want to get to is the following: I’m part of a quick-fix generation. We buy stuff and we consume it. Firstly, we have no idea where it comes from, how it’s produced or what the hidden processes and consequences of the products are. Secondly, the idea is created that various things are very difficult to do – just because we don’t know how to do it. We don’t know how to build a house, we don’t know how to fix machines, we don’t know how to tile a floor, we don’t know how to make furniture, we don’t know how to slaughter and process chickens, hell – we don’t even know how to make fucking mayo!

We’re so used to having other people worry about that stuff for us, that we’ve become completely clueless – to the point where we think that the only way that we can eat mayo is to go and buy it in a shop. If I had known how easy and fun it is to make, I would’ve never bought mayo. Why would you choose to buy ‘Miracle Whip’ – when you can just whip up the miracle right in front of you!

And mayo is not the big deal – it’s the fact that we take everything for granted. We just accept the idea that ‘we can’t do it’ or ‘it’s too difficult’ – when it’s really not. If you go and take the time to make your hands dirty and get to know how shit gets done – you become skilled at it and you realise it’s really no biggy. All our lives we’ve been catered for and have really become lazy, oblivious and clueless little creatures. It seems silly, but when I made the mayonnaise I felt so much shame – because this thing that I had been consuming my whole life of which I thought it must take a lot of skill to make, I whipped up in a matter of minutes. It just showed me the extent in which I’ve denied myself the opportunities to be a part of this world by not allowing myself to practically participating in it.

My generation is not a generation of participation – it’s a generation of consumers. We don’t participate in the production process, we don’t participate in anything that has something to do with what makes this physical world go ‘round. Even if our job has something to do with producing particular goods – then those goods is mostly all we know about and everything else remains a big mystery. We’ve completely separated ourselves from the world we live in – limited our existence to being mere consumers of it. Even in the bible it doesn’t say that God left the Earth in the hands of man so that man can consume it – we’re supposed to take care of it, be a part of it – and we’re not.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be a part of this world.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to participate in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my existence in this world to that of being a consumer of it, instead of a participant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself the opportunity to investigate how the world works, but instead just took everything for granted and counted on others to cater for me, presenting me with everything I need so that I can just consume it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be brainwashed into believing that everything that I don’t know about is too hard for me to know, understand or take part in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to completely separate myself from the world around me – only participating in that which gives me immediate satisfaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the world as a big mystery and to be content just living my life oblivious in terms of how this world works and what my actions contribute to as consequences manifested from the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the physical for granted, while the physical has been the one and only consistent thing that has always supported me and that has always supported every single being, no matter who they are, no matter what they do – unconditionally.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to learn about and learn from the physical to see how I’m able to improve myself – but instead entertain myself with fleeting thoughts, emotions, feelings, memories, sensations in my mind, looking for interesting experiences, where I reduce myself to but a fleeting moment, a fleeting thought, a fleeting emotion, a fleeting feeling, a fleeting memory or a fleeting sensation – instead of supporting myself to become substantial, consistent, supportive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave the physical to the mental realm of the mind – utilising what the physical unconditionally provides for the purpose of satisfying my mental desires and wants for the sake of interesting and momentarily satisfying experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce myself to becoming a clueless, oblivious creature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself through accepting the belief that I should only investigate how things work when it directly affects my current experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and controlled by experiences and the desire and want for interesting experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior to the world – thinking and believing that I am but a tiny spec of dust in the big scheme of things and therefore, there is no way that I can ever stand equal and one to the world, there is no way that I can ever understand the world and there is no way that I can ever fully participate in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing comfort to override practical common sense – where I rather buy something that is already made for me – instead of producing the good myself, where I then learn about how the good is produced, what points are involved, where I am completely aware of what the good consists of, where it comes from and where I can ensure that the good is of the best quality possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the claim that capitalism ensures the best quality of goods for the least amount of resources due to competition, instead of realising that profit is the sole goal for agents in capitalism and that a client or consumer’s well-being is of no concern to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to the capitalist system, merely through accepting the one belief that “I can’t do it myself”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chronically underestimate myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the belief that “I can’t do it myself” before even trying or investigating what is involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support slavery and inequality through accepting and allowing the thought and idea that “others can and are willing to make their hands dirty for me – why should I then bother with it?”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the elite in this world through accepting and allowing the attitude within myself that someone else will do things for me and that I must just worry about making myself comfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately go into an anxious reaction whenever I am challenged to do something knew – due to immediately accepting the belief that “I can’t do it'” and “I will fail at it”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the statement “I can’t do it” and “It’s too difficult” as an excuse to not try new things for myself, out of fear of failing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to apply the common sense that I cannot know the outcome of an attempt before having actually attempted it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing and failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that someone in the dark is keeping score of my achievements and failures – and that they will determine who I am and where I end up – whether in this life or the next.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequence of getting bad grades.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the education system to brainwash me into believing that grades and scores determine who I am, what I am capable of and what type of life I will lead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – when I try to do my best – to do it out of fear of being judged on something like ‘judgment day’ or ‘karma’ – an invisible authority that will determine my fate – instead of realising that it is common sense to do something to the best of my ability, otherwise I’m just wasting my own time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subjugate myself to fear in a moment of being challenged to do something new, wherein I immediately give in to resistance – instead of taking on the challenge as a way to expand and perfect myself.

When and as I see myself feeling intimidated by something unknown – I stop, I breathe – I realise that the experience of intimidation stems from the mere belief that everything that is unknown is somehow bigger than me. Instead – I direct myself to stand equal and one to the point in the unknown, so that it becomes known, so that it is here as me – and from there I move as it, equal and one, a real participant in the world.

When and as I see myself being lazy and thinking that someone else can do it for me – I stop, I breathe – I realise that I am diminishing myself in that moment as well as supporting the entire construct of elite versus slaves in the world. Instead, I move myself to address the issue at hand myself – moving myself to participate and take responsibility for the point that presented itself in that moment.

When and as I see myself taking things for granted – I stop, I breathe – I realise that, through taking it for granted, I have separated myself from it. Instead, I move myself to investigate the particular point and in a way incorporate it into myself, as myself and I allow myself to be grateful for what is here as unconditional support form the physical, as well as seeing how I can apply in and for myself what the physical is doing automatically. Learn more »