In my previous post - Day 146: The Credit is Mine! - I said that as I was writing, I had a memory come up. So, if you haven’t yet – I suggest reading the previous post first.
The memory that came up was quite a ‘significant one’ – meaning: a memory that I have been working with for quite some time or that has come up several times in my process and each time there are different points revealed from/of it. And so, here again, lol.
This memory stands in relation to my relationship with a particular person that I was not on good terms with. I experienced this person as judgmental, unfair and brutal. Needless to say that over time, I accumulated a vast amount of reactions and resentment towards this particular person, but I would never voice them – I would brood and curse in silence and complain about the person to others. Now, within this memory – I was having a discussion with my mother and we were not agreeing on something. This other person was present as well and at some point started shouting and ranting at me – I cannot remember all that was said – but one particular point I remember very clearly – these were the words that triggered my reactions to ‘shoot through the roof’, smash the plate I was holding onto the kitchen floor, shout that I’ve had enough at the top of my lungs and get into a huge fight.
Now – those particular words that were said that triggered my reactions to go through the roof – I had always remembered them, but I hadn’t placed any importance on why I was remembering these words or even why these words had such an impact in terms of the intensity of my reactions increasing so extensively. The words were ‘you think you’re the queen and everyone must just bow for you’ – lol. So, in writing my previous blog about how I experience the prideful character as being a queen on a throne within myself and any time someone gives ‘praise’ it is like a person bowing before the queen and how this relationship to praise had become like an addiction within myself – in ‘needing people to praise me’ – I could suddenly why these words that were spoken in that moment would have such a big impact – because they were striking at the heart of the prideful character that I had become, lived and embodied totally and completely by that age.
It is fascinating – every time I would remember these words I would think ‘that just shows how little this person knew and understood me, if that’s how they see me – a queen who wants everyone to bow for her’ – because on a conscious level and how I would interact with people on a conscious level, I did not at all see myself this way, let alone want to be seen this way – but on a deeper level, these words summarized a very large aspect of who I was accepting and allowing myself to be and exist as.
Herein – I remember very clearly how the word ‘queen’ within what he said, was the one word in relation to which I allowed a flood of reactions to surge up inside me – showing that this is a word that is polarized within and as me – holding both positive and negative charges.
So, I’ll write a bit more on the polarization of the word ‘queen’ in my next post.
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I am here starting to walk a series as I go through the episodes
of Parenthood wherein I'll work my way through various aspects of
parenthood where throughout generations parents have tended to behave in
similar ways in certain situations - and so, taking the opportunity to
release pre-conceived ideas and copied-over behaviors about
parenting/parenthood and considering what would be a best-for-all
approach in such a situation. So - note that these are not situations
that I am faced with in my life currently, but am taking responsibility
for within seeing that: it could've been me. Herein - I invite everyone
to share your own perspectives in the comment section - other points you
may have observed or other possible solutions!
In
the first Episode of Season one of the series Parenthood, Krstina and
Adam get to hear that their son, Max, might have Asperger syndrome -
both use the words 'there is something wrong with my baby/son' to
describe the situation. This is one of the big fears parents have - that
their child will be different, that it will be abnormal, that it will
be disadvantaged, that it will be dysfunctional - and where this is then
labeled as 'wrong'. There are a few aspects to this point.
1.
Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents
themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing
guilt about it.
2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and
unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child
because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.
3.
Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected
and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.
4.
Fear of how the parents' lives will change and how much they will have
to sacrifice for the child - emotionally, financially and practically.
In the Previous Blog-posts I worked through points 1 to 3, here opening up number 4 with Self-Forgiveness:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my son/daughter is in some way different, immediately start worrying and becoming afraid about how my life will change and how much i will have to sacrifice to meet the needs of my child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different, immediately assume that my life will be an emotional roller-coaster and I an emotional wreck for the remainder of my life - immediately accepting the belief and idea that my life will be miserable and that I will be miserable - where I then immediately go through an experience of 'loss' - because of the perception of losing the future that I had expected to receive, one where the child would have fulfilled me, made me a happier person, more at peace within myself in the idea that I would finally be fulfilling my purpose.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - in that moment of reaction - immediately create my life to be one of emotional turmoil, where I immediately accept and allow the belief that I am not stable and that I cannot be stable - that I don't have what it takes to face a challenge and see it through towards the best possible outcome.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different, immediately give up before having started, deciding that I will fail at the task ahead and that I will be beating myself up for it for the rest of my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different and requires extra care - immediately invoke a picture in my mind of a stack of bills to be paid and a red number on my bank account and letters from the bank reminding me to pay off my debt, as a projection of how I think the future will look like, where I experience a loss of security and financial stability - thinking/believing/presuming that I 'know' the future - when in fact, I have not even begun to investigate what kind of care is involved, what the options are and what can practically be done to ensure a stable financial future - instead, simply going into a 'doomsday state of mind' and believing that this is the only possible outcome, victimizing myself entirely towards the situation and not taking any responsibility for who I am in that moment, towards myself or towards my child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic upon finding out that my child requires some form of extra care with added expenses, wherein I immediately project my family finding itself in financial jeopardy - imagining both myself and my husband and any other child I may have, struggling to get by and having to pass up on opportunities that are no longer affordable - and wherein I immediately blame the 'extra-care-needing child' for this situation, even though such scenario hasn't even manifested or is in no way a certain outcome.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different and requires extra care - immediately project in my mind how the child will be a burden in my life and how I will have to give up all the things that I enjoy 'just for me', wherein any hobbies or activities or simply 'me-time' will no longer be possible and where i will have to compromise all my other relationships with other beings just to be able to take care of the extra-care-needing child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon finding out that my child is in some way different and requires extra care - to immediately feel bitter towards my child, myself and my life - because I feel that all that I had worked for my entire life to ensure my preferred outcome, is all being flushed down the toilet in that singular moment.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within that singular moment of reaction, I would be founding my entire relationship with the child on an experience of blame, bitterness and resentment towards it - where, in every interaction with the child, directly or indirectly, the blame, bitterness and resentment will in some way resonate and the child will be aware of it - immediately affecting and influencing how the child perceives him/herself and from there, compromising its life experience entirely.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become selfish in how I will look at the situation in terms of what I will have to give up - instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that it is about what I am able to give as I would like to be given if I were the child.
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This blogpost is a continuation to:
Day 95: Riding on the Wave of Others' Change
Dag 94: Spontaneity vs. Impulsiveness - What does it Mean to Live in the Moment?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to blame others when I experience disappointment, projecting the
cause of the disappointment unto them, when actually i am the cause as I
came from an experience of 'hope' as the positive polarity, which eventually had to end in a negative polarity of disappointment.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within blaming
others for my experience of disappointment for leaving a point
unfinished of which I expected/hoped that it would possibly change my life in an exciting/sensational way, go into an experience of anger
towards them and experience the emotion of betrayal, as though the
other betrayed me - as though they had promised me something and broke
their promise.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I create expectations or assumptions about what others will do or how others will behave, in a way of which I hope/expect to receive
some sort of benefit - also create the idea/perception/belief that the
other has made a promise to me, when none of it is actually real, but
all conjured up in my mind through interpretation of what it is that I want to see things as, that would 'make me happy'.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when and as I see
others leave a point unfinished of which I wanted them to keep pursuing
it, think "you made it look like you were going to stick with this point
all the way and now you didn't" in an attempt to justify my anger and
blame towards the other.
I forgive myself for not
accepting and allowing myself to see/realise that the anger has nothing
to do with them, but that I am merely experiencing my anger towards
myself for not taking responsibility for my own life and taking my own
initiative and pursuing it - facing and walking through my fears to move myself and make my own wave of change, instead of riding on others'.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my
self-experience on how others are experiencing themselves, like when
they are excited, I will become excited as well - and when they stop
being excited, I stop being excited as well - and then blame the other
for me not being excited -when all the while, I'm the one who separated
myself from self-enjoyment through defining it in an energetic
experience of excitement, which in essence is an experience of hope.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself
from enjoyment through defining enjoyment in an energetic experience of
excitement and hope - and thus, for making others responsible for my
enjoyment, instead of realising that enjoyment is self-enjoyment and is
not dependent on energy or others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have developed a resentment towards impulsiveness.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring up past
experiences of anger, resentment, betrayal, anger, blame and
disappointment whenever I see someone dive into a new point, where I
see/think that they are being impulsive/making an impulsive commitment,
on a whim and will not stick to it - therefore, going into a future projection, based on the past, thinking/believing I know the outcome before it has happened.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become resentful
towards beings who make decisions in a moment, equating a decision made
in the moment to an impulsive decision and equating an impulsive
decision to a decision that one does not remain committed to, but jumps
into and then leaves unfinished.
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to equate a decision made in the moment to
an impulsive decision and to a decision that one does not remain
committed to, but jumps into and then leaves unfinished -therefore,
resisting making decisions in the moment, because I, basically, don't
trust myself to see it through, but already expect myself to fail
beforehand.
I forgive myself for not accepting and
allowing myself to trust myself when making a decision in the moment in
clarity, but, instead, impose unto such decisions my experiences I have
had in the past of when I made decisions or saw others make decisions in
energy, where, as soon as the energy runs out or changes polarity,t he
commitment stops and the decision is 'broken'.
To be continued.
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In my life, I've known several people who tended to be very impulsive. It's like they heard about or saw something new and then would 'delve into it' all the way - like they were on a mission. I used to enjoy seeing them do this, it was fascinating to me - because they just in one moment took a certain direction and stuck with it. At least for a while... Generally, they'd become disinterested and then their participation in that one point would just stop or water down - in the end, leaving things unfinished or not really accomplishing anything.
Within myself, in seeing people behave/act this way where they would just leave things hanging, I experienced disappointment. Because - within seeing individuals just jump into things without fear or hesitation, I created an experience of 'hope' within myself - that things can be different. Because, within myself, I was generally too afraid to just plunge into something new without first considering things or dipping my toes in the water. I was always cautious, controlling - but within that, I felt I wasn't really accomplishing anything 'sensational' - only things that were 'satisfactory'.
So - when I'd see another just immediately jumping in the deep end, I'd watch with hopeful and expectful eyes - and then in seeing the person just leave the point as suddenly as they took it on - I got disappointed. But not only disappointed, there was also an experience of anger - anger, because I blamed them for me feeling disappointed. And not only anger, but also a sense of 'betrayal' - lol - like 'you made it look like you were going to stick with this point all the way and now you didn't!' - lol. Instead of me taking action for myself and working through my fear, anxiety and desire for control - to be able to just express myself and allow myself to be passionate about things - and to allow myself to accomplish things that are sensational - instead of doing that, I would expect others to do it and let me 'ride on their wave of change'. Because also what would happen when people would engage in something new like that, they'd be excited and tell me about it - and so, I got to share in that excitement - and then when the point is left, that excitement stops, and so does my excitement stop.
And so, after a while, I developed a resentment towards impulsiveness - where those experiences of disappointment, anger, blame and betrayal would surface as soon as I'd see someone just suddenly being all over a certain point - because I'd think 'it's just another 'phase' and it would just end up going nowhere. And, what's more, is that I would interpret any decision made in a moment as an impulsive decision - thinking and believing that any decision that is made in the moment is a decision to which a person will not remain committed.
Within this, I've created a resistance towards decisions that are made in a moment - where I'll first take on an attitude of 'wait and see' - first wanting to establish whether this decision would be consistently lived and only then, would I consider joining in. Within the Desteni group, you'll find that decisions are always made in the moment - so, for instance, with the Journey to Life blogs - when this point was presented, suggesting that we'll, individually and together as a group, walk a process of posting a blog every day for 7 years. To me - this seemed like an 'impulsive' decision, when actually, it was just a spontaneous decision. So, what's the difference?
An impulsive decision is a decision made based on a thought, based on energy. Initially, when making the decision and implementing it, a reward is received in the form of positive energy. The thing is, this energy runs out after a while, or it starts to take more effort to generate the same amount of positive energy. When this happens, the motivation to stick with the decision slowly or not so slowly disappears and one no longer holds up one's commitment to the decision.
A spontaneous decision, on the other hand - is a decision that is made in the moment, not 'in the spur of the moment', but in the clarity of the moment. A moment where the decision stands clear as something that needs to be done or something one would like to commit to.
To be continued.
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