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This blog post is a continuation to the following posts – please read them first for context:

Day 153: Snowy – My Mountain of Support
Day 154: Snowy – My Mountain of Support – Pt2

I explained in my previous post how I saw the particular construct I required to work with that Snowy had been showing me by living it out. I saw how the energy I was working with was ‘protectiveness’ and how the word in relation to which I would activate the word ‘protectiveness’ was the word ‘life’. I saw how there was both a positive polarity of desiring to protect life as well as a negative polarity as trying to protect myself from life.

As a child and growing up, I have always been reserved when interacting with others. Not that I would always stay in the background or be a loner or be the shy one in a group – I would make friends and have fun – but I would always be ready to ‘pull out’ in case I felt I had to. I had noticed that no matter how ‘nice’ a friend or a family member may seem in one moment, in another they can suddenly change and ‘turn against me’ – often unexpectedly, where I ‘wasn’t prepared for it’. The same with animals – in one moment a dog could be gentle and in another they could suddenly snap their teeth. The same with nature – the one moment I am playing in the garden on the grass, the next I get stung by a bee. In all these instances I felt that my sense of security was false, that I wasn’t really safe from ‘life’ as how I experienced it.

What I saw within using the tools of SRA3, is that I had defined the words ‘safe/protected’ within a mother-child relationship. You know – when you’re a child and you’re just sitting next to your mom on the couch and you rest your head on her chest, she wraps your arm around you and you can hear her breathing and her heartbeat – that experience of ‘I am protected, I am safe, nothing can happen to me’. That experience is what I desired.

So – within deciding who I would be within my life, I wanted that point of safety/protectedness to be a part of it. Of course, I couldn’t stay a child forever living with my mother – but I could become a mother myself. Because, a mother and child, I presumed, both take part in the same experience of safetyness/protectedness. Herein – my perception of mothers was also relevant. Of all the adults and their extent of participation and interaction with ‘life’ as that which I saw as unpredictable and dangerous – I thought mothers were the least exposed, because they are at home taking care of the children. Perhaps that is why I would say I wanted to become a mother of 5 kids – to make sure I’d never have the time to do anything else but be a mother, lol – but remain secluded, protected in the safety of my own home.

That was how the negative polarity to the word ‘life’ influenced ‘who I wanted to be in life’.

The positive polarity of the word ‘life’ refers to seeing life as something pure and innocent – and yet so fragile – something that can be easily corrupted, hurt and abused. From within my own fear of the ‘outside world’ – ‘life as we know it’ – I created a desire to protect this ‘pure, innocent’ life – and where I had defined this ‘pure/innocent life’ to exist was in babies and young children – the ones not yet influenced too much by ‘the world’ – who were still blissfully ignorant and under the impression that ‘life’ is welcome here. So – from the positive polarity of my definition of the word ‘life’ I wanted to be someone who protects ‘life’ in this world and of all the social roles in society – I saw that mothers taking care of babies/children were the ones to fit this bill.

So – through accepting both the fear and desire that sprung up within me from both the negative and positive polarities of my definition of the word ‘life’, I created a behavioral design of ‘protectiveness’ within me – both in relation to protecting myself as well as protecting others. That was the same behavior I saw in Snowy – where on the one hand she wanted to protect herself against Cesar, seeing him as a ‘threat’ while at the same time ‘protecting him’ through playing a nurturing role towards him.

I then went and wrote about all these points, applied my Self-Forgiveness and wrote my Self-Corrective Statements to remove the separation I had created towards the word ‘life’, to redefine the word as myself and diffuse this construct as a whole. I had shared with LJ and Leila what I’d seen in terms of how Snowy’s behavior mirroring mine. After I had done all my writing, SF and SCS – Snowy’s behavior immediately changed, lol. She was back to her ‘old self’. Leila noticed the drastic change in Snowy and asked me if I’d worked on my points – to which I said ‘yes’ with a big smile, lol. So – this was a very cool feedback point again –where Snowy showed me: you got it, girl – my work here is done. Lol. I gave her a big hug, amazed and grateful for the unconditional support that she is.
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This blog is a continuation of:
Day 30: Goodness as Positivity,
Day 31: You're My HERO!!!
Day 32: Consistency and
Day 33: Wanting to be the Star Pupil 
- continuing to purify the word 'Good'.


In my mind, I associate the word 'Good' with:
 

Being in love, being married and having children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘good’ within being in love, being married and having children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘good’ within and as living a regular life without asking questions, but just do as everyone else does.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have a boyfriend so that I could be normal and like everyone else, because I thought that being in love like normal people is necessary to be a good person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look forward to being a married woman and having a family, because I felt out of place within myself and thought that if I did what everyone else did, then maybe I would figure out what to do and how to be and who to be – that everything would fall into its right place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for answers to my experiences within, outside of myself – believing that other people, a husband and children, would be able to fix me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to do what is expected of me, that I would be a good person if I just fall in love, get married and have children just like everyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that doing good means to not step on anyone’s toes by going against the norm and therefore, to ‘go with the flow’ and just do whatever it is everyone else is doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that you can’t be a successful woman unless you found a man who wants to marry you and have children with you.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that you can’t be a good woman unless you find a man who wants to marry you and have children with you.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that you can’t be a good woman unless you reproduce yourself and do unto your children what was done unto you – keeping the legacy of the family-line/blood-line alive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that honouring the family-line is a duty and responsibility and has important value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that as part of a family, it is my duty to continue that family – where, if I were to decide to not have children, I would not only affect my own life, but the family in itself, because I would create a ‘dead-end’ in the family tree and increase the chances that the family line will end.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to make my parents/aunts/uncles/grandparents proud by continuing the family line.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define family and being part of a family as ‘good’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being married/ not having children out of fear that my family will turn on me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I ‘owe’ my family children so that the family-line may continue – because they ‘took care’ of me while growing up.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise to what extent family is a cult – where you are brainwashed from a young age to want to get married and have children, just to continue the family-line – as though it is something valuable and worth doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not living up to my family’s expectations if I weren’t to have children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would ‘let my family down’ if I didn’t have children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as though the decision of having children or not is not mine to make, because it apparently concerns the whole family – instead of realising that the concept of family is not real in the first place, it is not something that can be touched, that is physical – it is just a made-up concept of relationships that tie people together in a system of control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have children to please my family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a woman who dedicates her life to her husband and children is someone who has her priorities straightened out, because of the belief that there is nothing more important than family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept, believe and live the statement: There is nothing more important than family.

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