In my life, I've known several people who tended to be very impulsive. It's like they heard about or saw something new and then would 'delve into it' all the way - like they were on a mission. I used to enjoy seeing them do this, it was fascinating to me - because they just in one moment took a certain direction and stuck with it. At least for a while... Generally, they'd become disinterested and then their participation in that one point would just stop or water down - in the end, leaving things unfinished or not really accomplishing anything.
Within myself, in seeing people behave/act this way where they would just leave things hanging, I experienced disappointment. Because - within seeing individuals just jump into things without fear or hesitation, I created an experience of 'hope' within myself - that things can be different. Because, within myself, I was generally too afraid to just plunge into something new without first considering things or dipping my toes in the water. I was always cautious, controlling - but within that, I felt I wasn't really accomplishing anything 'sensational' - only things that were 'satisfactory'.
So - when I'd see another just immediately jumping in the deep end, I'd watch with hopeful and expectful eyes - and then in seeing the person just leave the point as suddenly as they took it on - I got disappointed. But not only disappointed, there was also an experience of anger - anger, because I blamed them for me feeling disappointed. And not only anger, but also a sense of 'betrayal' - lol - like 'you made it look like you were going to stick with this point all the way and now you didn't!' - lol. Instead of me taking action for myself and working through my fear, anxiety and desire for control - to be able to just express myself and allow myself to be passionate about things - and to allow myself to accomplish things that are sensational - instead of doing that, I would expect others to do it and let me 'ride on their wave of change'. Because also what would happen when people would engage in something new like that, they'd be excited and tell me about it - and so, I got to share in that excitement - and then when the point is left, that excitement stops, and so does my excitement stop.
And so, after a while, I developed a resentment towards impulsiveness - where those experiences of disappointment, anger, blame and betrayal would surface as soon as I'd see someone just suddenly being all over a certain point - because I'd think 'it's just another 'phase' and it would just end up going nowhere. And, what's more, is that I would interpret any decision made in a moment as an impulsive decision - thinking and believing that any decision that is made in the moment is a decision to which a person will not remain committed.
Within this, I've created a resistance towards decisions that are made in a moment - where I'll first take on an attitude of 'wait and see' - first wanting to establish whether this decision would be consistently lived and only then, would I consider joining in. Within the Desteni group, you'll find that decisions are always made in the moment - so, for instance, with the Journey to Life blogs - when this point was presented, suggesting that we'll, individually and together as a group, walk a process of posting a blog every day for 7 years. To me - this seemed like an 'impulsive' decision, when actually, it was just a spontaneous decision. So, what's the difference?
An impulsive decision is a decision made based on a thought, based on energy. Initially, when making the decision and implementing it, a reward is received in the form of positive energy. The thing is, this energy runs out after a while, or it starts to take more effort to generate the same amount of positive energy. When this happens, the motivation to stick with the decision slowly or not so slowly disappears and one no longer holds up one's commitment to the decision.
A spontaneous decision, on the other hand - is a decision that is made in the moment, not 'in the spur of the moment', but in the clarity of the moment. A moment where the decision stands clear as something that needs to be done or something one would like to commit to.
To be continued.
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This is a continuation to
Day 72: My Body, My Battlefield,
Day 73: Afraid of Petrification,
Day 74: Con or Be Conned - The Social Law of Human Behaviour?,
Day 76: The Mind as a Parasite Virus,
Day 77: When God Makes a Pact with the Devil Day 78: The Good Guys versus the Bad Guys
When and as I see myself reacting in fear due to projecting within my mind a scenery or situation in which I am experiencing petrification - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am experiencing fear, not because I actually fear that which I am projecting within my mind as the scenery/situation, where in essence the fear has got nothing to do with the scenery/situation, but that I am through the projection, bringing the experience of petrification that I project/imagine I would have in such a scenery/situation 'here' - and thus, I create the perception/idea/belief that my fear stands in relation to something else, when actually, I have merely superimposed my imagined/projected fear unto the here/now moment, and thus - creating an experience of fear. And thus, I commit myself to, in such a moment where when and as I see myself reacting in fear due to superimposing an imagined experience of petrification on the present moment, let go of the fear, stabilise myself through breathing and proceed in common sense.
When and as I see myself going into a fear of being conned or deceived - I stop, I breathe - I realise that we have played the game of 'con or be conned' for far too long and that participating within this fear will inevitably lead to deception from my part in order to 'protect' me from being conned - and therefore, I commit myself to let go of the fear, stabilise myself within my body in breath, embrace myself in self-trust and proceed with common sense.
When and as I see myself going into fear due to feeling that 'who I am' as all the judgments, perceptions, beliefs, opinions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, definitions, fears, perceptions in and of my mind is in some way being challenged and therefore, tend to go into a defensive/protective mode - I stop, I breathe - I realise that all the judgments, perceptions, beliefs, opinions, thougths, feelings, emotions, definitions, fears, perceptions in and of my mind are nothing but foreign entities that i have imposed upon myself as well as my physical body and thus, are not who I am and do not require my protection, but instead my scrutiny - and thus, I commit myself let go of the fear as well as whatever judgement, perception, belief, opinion, thought, feeling, emotion, definition, fear or perception that was being challenged - as it is only a figment of my imagination through the mind and not real.
When and as I see myself going into a fear of being taken over and losing control - I stop, I breathe - I realise that within and as the fear, I am actually giving my power away to that which I perceive is attempting to take over and control me, and within that - I am in fact giving that something/someone the permission to take over as, within the fear, I am stating that I am 'in fear' = inferior - and thus, unable to stop their attempt to take over/control me - and thus, I commit myself to place the something/someone that I see as a threat that is attempting to take me over/control me within and as me and embrace myself as equal and one as that something/someone - herein diffusing any ideas or perceptions of inferiority/superiority and thus, placing myself in a position where I am able to direct myself and determine and express what I accept and allow and what I don't accept and allow.
When and as I see myself victimising myself - I stop, I breathe - I realise that nothing can ever really be done unto me and that any harm something or someone else inflicts on me is only me self-created consequences as I left a space within myself or my life where I was not the directive principle and self-honesty, and thus gave the outside something/someone the permission and freedom to become the directive principle in my stead - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the victimisation and instead empower myself through taking responsibility by investigating the points I have missed/left undirected and becoming the directive principle within them.
When and as I see myself going into fear of vulnerability, fear of being fragile, fear of pain or fear of death - I stop, I breathe - I realise that the physical reality of being vulnerable, being fragile, possibly experiencing pain and certainly experiencing death sooner or later - are things that are currently inevitable and to which I can make no immediate difference - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the fear as the fear will not magically change the physical reality of vulnerability, fragility, pain and death - and thus, instead, I embrace the reality of vulnerability, fragility, possible pain and certain death, making peace with it and proceeding in self-silence.
When and as I see myself categorising people in the categories of 'good guys' and 'bad guys' - I stop, I breathe - I realise I am seeing people/he world in black and white as how I taught myself to see people/the world through watching cartoons in which some people are always entirely/purely good and some people are always entirely/purely evil - and thus, I stop myself from labeling people and seeing the world/people in black and white, and instead - place them within and as me, embracing them as me within the realisation that every human being is equally evil within accepting and allowing the exact same self-dishonesties to exist within them, which always include some form of harm and disregard to life - and that the only difference is that with some beings some types of dishonesties are more prominent and more obvious than with others and that some are able to hide and disguise their deceptions more easily - but that, in essence, everyone is the same - equal and one.
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With this blog I am starting a 7 Year Journey to Life. One blog a day for 7 years, wherein I write myself out and let go of mind-patterns through using Self-Forgiveness, as well as creating the solution through Self-Corrective Statements, wherein I prepare myself to walk the change.
The first thought that popped into my head in relation to starting the 7 Year Journey was: I’ll never keep it up, I shouldn’t be doing this, because I won’t pull it through in any case. With this one thought – I indicated that I wanted to give up before I had even started! This is a recurring pattern in my life, where I only want to take on projects or endeavours where I am pretty much nearly 100% certain that I will be successful at it. And if I doubt myself in being able to pull something off, I’ll rather not start it in order to avoid feeling like a failure.
So, here goes:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’ll never keep up a 7 year commitment to blog each day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – before having even started – project what the outcome of this endeavour would be, and in imagining myself being inconsistent and eventually giving up – I believe that this is what will happen and therefore, instead of walking the process in the physical, I immediately give up then and there, to not give myself a chance to ‘screw up’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I undertake a new project or endeavour, that I should be perfect at it from the start until the end – not allowing myself to process of learning from my mistakes and perfecting myself as I walk.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as someone who can undertake and complete a project with great ease and to not defy that definition of myself, I will simply avoid any projects where I feel like I may possible fail.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in terms of past memories where as a chid I would do things with great ease and everyone around me would be stunned at how easily I would complete a project or task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how other people see me and believe that if others start seeing me differently, that then I will lose myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others starting to see me differently if I were to stumble and struggle to complete a project or endeavour.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to live up to the standard others hold me to in order not to lose myself, my self-worth and my self-esteem.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself, my self-worth and my self-esteem in how others judge me and to what extent they see me as worthy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to fail.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see failing as a definitive point where – if I fail, it is too late, I am a failure and there is nothing I can do to redeem myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to fail in the eyes of others.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that stumbling and struggling is a part of learning a particular skill – where, as i stumble and struggle, I see where and how I can become more effective and thus, as I walk, I assist and support myself to expand, grow and excel.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to expand, grow and excel through only ever doing that which I know I’m good at.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally undertake a new project or endeavour, but only do it in terms of what people will think of me if I pull it off and whether they will hold me in high esteem or not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in an illusionary realm where ‘who I am’ is someone who doesn’t make mistakes – instead of embracing the reality of the situation – that I am nowhere near perfect and I stumble, struggle and make mistakes in the process of learning and developing new skills.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that stumbling, struggling and making mistakes are bad things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge stumbling, struggling and making mistakes as bad things.
I forgive myself for ac
cepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself through holding unrealistic expectations of myself and if ever I may possible not answer to these expectations, sell myself short in giving up before I’ve started to not have to face any regret or shame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to face regret or shame.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that regret is an indicator that I am wallowing in self-pity over something I have done in the past, instead of forgiving myself, learning from the mistake and practically designing a solution to not make the same mistake again.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that shame is an indicator that I have sabotaged myself in a certain point and that I therefore require to investigate what I did it, how I did it and why I did it to be able to release the point in question and script a solution for myself for if I were to find myself in the same or a similar situation again.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want to make sure that I will be right before I do something, or that what I’ll be doing will be successfully executed and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that knowing that I will be successful is what self-trust is.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to expand self-trust to being sure that I will be here for myself no matter what and that I will learn from my mistakes and my past, assisting and supporting myself to expand, grow and excel to the point where I am certain that I am absolutely specific and effective in a particular point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up all kinds of excuses to justify why I it is okay for me to give up before I’ve even started a project so that I can feel like I did the right thing, while all the while I can self-honestly see that I am deceiving myself – but just to ‘shut myself up’, I’ll give myself all kinds of reasons to ‘prove’ and convince myself that I am doing the right thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself to a point of giving up by bringing up all kinds of memories from the past where I feel like I failed and where I felt hopeless and helpless as a way of convincing myself that if I take on the particular project before me – I will feel the same way and there will be nothing I can do to change myself, my experience, or my situation.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that resistance is a program that kicks in whenever I am standing in front of a transcendence point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – in giving in to the resistance – state that resistance is more than me, that my mind is more than me and that I will forever more be a slave to my mind and existence as it is – accepting that I will never and can never change or take responsibility for myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that resistance is merely a program that I can push through to be able to face myself, my reality, my relationships and create a version of myself, my reality and my relationships that is actually best for all.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that in giving in to resistance and making up excuses and justifications for why I shouldn’t push through, I am actually arguing for my own self-limitation.
I realise that resistance is an indicator that shows me that I am standing in front of a transcendence point, that it is merely a program that I can push and move myself through to allow myself to expand and improve myself to a point of absolute self-equality and oneness.
I realise that there is no valid excuse or justification for selling myself short and accepting self-limitation.
I realise that mistakes, stumbles and struggles don’t mean the end of an endeavour and a definitive failure – instead, they are points along the road in the journey to life.
When and as I see myself resisting to commit to a certain project or endeavour, I stop, I breathe – I realise I am standing in front of a transcendence point and that the experience is not real but merely an automated program of the mind – therefore, I push through the resistance and unconditionally commit myself to the project or the endeavour within the starting point of giving it all I’ve got.
When and as I see myself making up excuses and justifications for why I should or shouldn’t do something – I stop, I breathe – I look at what it is that I am resisting and afraid of, I apply the forgiveness, let go of the fear and embrace the new challenge before me.
When and as I see myself projecting myself into the future, imagining that I will fail at a project or endeavour that I haven’t even started yet – I stop, I breathe – I remind myself that I am not a fortune-teller and that it is unacceptable to sell myself short. Instead – I bring myself back here and practically move myself to undertake and complete the project or endeavour to the best of my ability.
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