In my recent blogs I’ve been exploring the Prideful Character – for more perspective read:

Day 141: Pride – The Root of All Sin?
Day 142: Pride and Perfection
Day 143: Pride – Prize versus Hide
Day 144: It doesn’t matter what you say, I already decided I won’t listen to you
Day 145: Maleficent – Pride and Regret

Another aspect of the Prideful Character is wanting to get credit for ‘doing something good’.


Examples are for instance:

• Sharing an idea with someone and then another person sharing that idea with a group where the group then perceives that the person who shared the idea with the group is the one who came up with the idea and people are then congratulating that person – and now self reacts – because ‘that was MY Idea!’, ‘the credit should go to ME!’.

• When working in a group on a project or to achieve a certain goal and as the group is moving towards or reaching success in its goals, self is convinced that it is because of one’s own contribution that there is success – for at one point raising an idea, or for carrying out a specific task – as though self is the one to which all the credit for the success belongs – when actually, there was a whole group involved.

This point stems again from one’s relationship to praise – where, if one has created a relationship to praise in a way where one believes one ‘doesn’t exist’ if one isn’t being praised – then any and all situations in which self would expect a possibility of praise – will be grasped at and if the praise does not come – there is a tantrum – because self perceives having a right to the praise.

It’s fascinating, because there’s a point of desperation within this point – similar to an addict desperately needing a ‘fix’ to feel okay, to feel at peace – as though one is time and time again building and walking into this intensifying experience of anxiety and instability – as though, if someone doesn’t give some praise soon – one’s foundation will be pulled from under self – because ‘who am I if I’m not being praised?’.

Lol, when I look at the prideful character, it’s truly like seeing a queen on a throne within one’s mind – and within sitting on the throne – hands on the arm-rests of the chair – eyes straight ahead– there is an experience of absolute stability – but it’s not in fact stability – it’s an experience of control. But! The queen can only be queen if it has subjects that recognize her as the queen – and if no one has come by in a while to bow at the queen – then who is the queen a queen of? What does it mean to be a queen if there is no one bowing before the queen??

And this ‘bowing before the queen’ is in the form of receiving praise from others – when praise is given – which is not necessarily praise from the point of the person giving, but how it is perceived by the prideful character; for instance, it could just be a point of cross-reference and a person agreeing, or it can be someone encouraging what self is busy with – but in the eyes of the prideful character, any and all feedback that is not ‘negative’, is ‘positive’ and is ‘praise’ – as though someone is actually bowing before self – before the queen – and now the queen’s legitimacy is restored and can ‘rest assured’ on the throne for a while again – experiencing that point of ‘apparent stability’ which is in fact control – in being able to suppress the actual anxieties and fears underneath the surface by placing ‘praise’ on the forefront.

I’ll continue with this point in my next post, because as I’m writing I have a memory coming up that I’m starting to see in a new light, in new understanding – so will share that in my next post! Learn more »

I ended off in my previous post with saying how I started internalizing ‘pats on the back’ – in that, if I felt I had done something well, I would ‘congratulate myself’ and ‘feel proud about myself’ in relation to what I’d done. As well as the other side of trying to hide the mistakes I made, not only from others, but from myself as well.

Now, where I find the Prideful Character to be most apparent is in moments where someone makes a suggestion to me or points out that something I did could have been done differently. How I experience my reactions in such moments it that there is a sudden jolt of anxiety in my solar plexus area, as though the anxiety is coming from all over my body and centers in the solar plexus. And, you know, how anxiety is experienced like a ‘current’ – like a wild river suddenly rushing in – well, with the anxiety centering in my solar plexus, I first experience it as that fast moving energy, but only for a split second – and then it’s like I harden it into a rock. Like – if you’d have molten lava, and pour icy water of it and then it turns to hard rock. So, in those moments, there is first anxiety, which I then immediately transmute into that hardness/toughness, which you can call stubbornness, arrogance, righteousness. And then, from within that experience, I reply with justifications.

Now, this reaction pattern moves very fast and very automated. I had previously looked at the point, but there was a dimension I was missing. In opening up the Prideful character, I saw a new dimension. I had already seen the point of taking it personally, the fear of making mistakes, the self-judgment and the polarization from inferiority to superiority – but there is a specific dynamic that I had overlooked. And that dynamic is that – the action for which a person is giving me suggestions/comments/criticism – I had already congratulated myself on that, I had already classified it as a good thing or the right thing to do, and from there, given myself a pat on the back for doing that – and then, of course, I felt proud about myself. So, afterwards, in someone suggesting I could/should have done it differently – I’d feel I have to ‘give back’ that ‘pat on the back’ that I gave myself – and… well… I didn’t want to – lol. In slowing down the experience, there’s a thought of ‘no, no, no! I already made myself feel proud over that decision/action, I already validated myself through that – no, I don’t want to reconsider that at all!’

And of course, herein I am completely limiting myself – because all I want to do is stick to my opinion, the perception I had of myself in the past in terms of what I did and what I considered within making that decision/performing that action. I am unwilling to re-evaluate myself – let alone take responsibility for my mistakes.

If I allow myself to stick to that stance within myself, of righteousness, stubbornness, arrogance – then we get to that ‘other meaning’ of the word ‘pride’ – where a person takes on a stance of superiority to justify what self is doing, in spite of what is common sense or best for all. And so we’ve come full circle in the base design of ‘Pride’ and how it starts off seemingly innocent - ‘just a pat on the back’, but dependent on one’s relationship with these gestures – one can develop pride in the sense of arrogance, righteousness, spitefulness, self-centeredness and total disregard for others – which, fascinatingly, are characteristics described to whom? To female villains! Have a look at the evil queen in Snow White, the evil witch in Sleeping Beauty, the evil step mother in Cinderella – each of them are the Characterization of PRIDE – look at the stance, look at the facial expressions, look at the obsessions – they are all expressions of pride.

I’ll continue in my next post by using the movie ‘Maleficent’ as a reference of the play-out of the pattern of pride, as it is quite clearly depicted there. Learn more »

This blog-post is a continuation to:

Day 131: Who Am I in a Group?
Day 132: Who Am I in a Group? Clashes of Cultures
Day 133: Who Am I in a Group? - Nothing Left but Memories
Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1
Day 135: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company Pt2
Day 136: Who Am I in a Group? Dancing with a Ghost
Day 137: Who Am I in a Group - Self-Forgiveness Pt 1

I ended off my last post with the Self-Forgiveness statement:


“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be skeptical of groups in terms of thinking/believing that it is unlikely that it will be fun experiencing myself in a group of so many different individuals when in my experience, each individual brings the potential that I will experience conflict with them – and therefore, any time where I do find myself in a group where there is a relative tolerance towards each other and a general mutual agreement to have fun and a good time together – I elevate it into something magical and miraculous within and as myself – accessing positive feelings of wonder, exhilaration, connectedness, euphoria, excitement, hope and love.”

So, I'm continuing from there:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach groups from a feeling and emotion perspective – where I either associate a negative emotion to groups or the opposite polarity of positive feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my evaluation of a group based on what kind of experiences I go through, where if I mostly experience negative emotions while participating within the group, then I will dislike the group and try to remove myself from the group and if I mostly experience positive feelings in the group, then I will attempt to hold on to the group.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever approach groups from the simple realization that groups consist of individuals and so to participate in a group is to participate with other individuals – instead, when in groups, it has always been about me – what can the group do for ME – how does participating in the group make ME feel – how does participating in the group make ME look – wherein I have used groups to satisfy experiences and if I found the group was not or no longer giving me the experiences I desired, then I would discard the group and so the individuals within it – showing that I never had actually considered any of the individuals within the group but only participating from a starting point of pure self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an interpretation of the groups I am participating in within my mind, where, within my mind, I create a ‘group entity’ to which I associate a positive or negative association – and based on that experience the ‘group feeling’ as being good or bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – in order to experience as many positive feelings as possible – always assimilate myself as much as possible to the others in the group – adjusting how I behave, speak, dress, what I talk about, what I express my interests to be, what I express my opinions and likes and dislikes to be – to as much as possible ‘fit in’ with the group – because I have come to believe that the more each one conforms to the norms and standards of others in the group, the stronger the group will be and the more the group can do ‘for me’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever consider what I understand under ‘a strong group’ – where I now realize that a ‘strong group’ actually referred to the extent to which individuals within the group assimilate to each other and so support each other within their perceptions, beliefs, opinions, ideas, in order to generate a maximum sum total of positive feelings within each of the individuals.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I base my participation within groups on energetic experiences, then no group can ever last – because mind energy always moves between the polarities of negative, positive, negative, positive, etc. – and so if positive or negative energy is the determining factor for my participation or removal from a group – then it is inevitable that I will at some point experience negative energy – and especially if previously the positive energy had been quite intense – it will be mirrored by an equally intense negative experience – and so it is pointless to try to ‘hold on’ to a group for the positive feelings I experience within it, because it will not last.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that no matter what kind of ‘connection’ I felt I had with people – on summer camps, or in the dance company or in the high school – it was always based within interpretation and experience where I would elevate the lack of anxiety or uncomfortableness to something ‘more than’ and create the idea and belief that this group was special for me to be able to experience these ‘amazing things’ with these other beings – when actually – I never had a real connection with any of the beings in any substantial way – I didn’t know who they were, what their lives were like or what they experienced.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that whenever I would experience something apparently ‘amazing’ – I would project this experience and attribute it to the group – never actually looking at what the experience was – whether it was simply a point of silence or comfortability or how exactly a positive feeling was triggered within me in for instance feeling appreciated or validated or accepted – where, of course – everything that I experienced, I experienced within myself and so could have a self-honest look at the nature of the experience and how/why I was experiencing myself in this way – but instead chucking up my experience to the other beings and the group – and so creating a dependency with the other beings the group in a hope of experiencing these points again – where within walking in groups, I would in fact continuously separate me from myself and always miss: me. Learn more »

This blog-post is a continuation to:

Day 131: Who Am I in a Group?
Day 132: Who Am I in a Group? Clashes of Cultures
Day 133: Who Am I in a Group? - Nothing Left but Memories
Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1
Day 135: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company Pt2
Day 136: Who Am I in a Group? Dancing with a Ghost

Day 134: Who Am I in a Group? Dance Company - Pt1

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as soon as I am beginning to be introduced to a new group – immediately try to define ‘my place’ in the group and my role/position/status in the group based on others’ behaviors, responses, looks, etc. – instead of realizing that – what they are experiencing is about them, not about me – this group is a group of individuals that has been created for some purpose or reason to do something together, but within that, each individual is equal to each other individual and there is no need to try to establish a social pecking order or try to find/define my position/role/status within the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be shy around strangers and to believe in those moments that ‘who I am is shy’ – and that I cannot be anything but shy in such a moment of being faced with strangers.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the primary reason for why I experienced shyness around strangers, was the thought and the fear ‘what if they don’t like me?’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, whenever I am faced with strangers, ask myself the question ‘what if they don’t like me?’ and within asking myself this question, access anxiety and fear of not being accepted within myself - as well as fear of being ridiculed and rejected – where, within such a moment, within running through such a ‘what if’ scenario very fast within my mind – I experience within myself in that moment the embarrassment of being ridiculed/rejected by these strangers – which then manifests as shyness in that moment – because I feel I have things to be embarrassed about and hence I should apparently be ‘on guard’ and not feel comfortable, but rather hide myself in the shadows as much as possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when being introduced to a new group, first always keep my distance in terms of keeping to myself and not only interacting with one person at a time, but never really participating in the group as a member of the group – because I first want to be able to see what kind of behavior is appreciated in the group and which is not – so that, as I start to see what kind of behavior is appreciated, develop a personality that fits in with the standards I see in terms of what people seem to like and not like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way to get to know people is to make sure that they like me beforehand – therefore creating and molding myself according to the particular type of personality that will be ‘most successful’ in terms of being accepted by the other members in the group – and to believe that only once I am accepted/liked, I can start sharing myself bit by bit so that others can get to know me and I can get to know others – instead of realizing that I don’t require to be ‘pre-approved’ by anything or anyone in order to be able to make a connection with others and, in fact, that I am creating within others expectations about ‘who I am’ based on the particular personality I am living out – which later will only be invalidated as I start to slowly open up and participated in sharing myself – and so at the very onset create the conditions for disappointment within my relationship and so compromise of the relationship with others as I walk into a relationship and group under false pretenses – where I would later feel that I in part have to keep ‘keep playing the personality’ and so limit myself in terms of how I express myself and what I share of myself so that I am not found out to be a fraud and rejected.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I ever really was ‘myself’ in a group – when actually, I would always very carefully continue to monitor people’s responses and feedback to me to see if I am deviating too much from the expectations they have of who I am in terms of the personality I introduced myself as initially, that was ‘accepted’ by them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start feeling guilty when participating in a group, especially if I would start enjoying myself and the other beings – because I knew in part I was participating in deception towards them and continued to do so because I felt it was now ‘too late to go back’ and didn’t want to give up my positive experiences within the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be skeptical of groups in terms of thinking/believing that it is unlikely that it will be fun experiencing myself in a group of so many different individuals when in my experience, each individual brings the potential that I will experience conflict with them – and therefore, any time where I do find myself in a group where there is a relative tolerance towards each other and a general mutual agreement to have fun and a good time together – I elevate it into something magical and miraculous within and as myself – accessing positive feelings of wonder, exhilaration, connectedness, euphoria, excitement, hope and love. Learn more »

Tuesday I had my driver's license test. This was my third attempt. With the previous two attempts I didn't get passed the yard-section of the test where you have to do your parking and stuff. Before the day of my test I had scheduled a lesson, but the times got mixed up - where I had written down a lesson in the morning, and they had written me down for the afternoon - causing me to miss that lesson. I didn't see it as a big deal, because by then I had practiced a lot and felt confident I could pass the test. The next day, I had a short lesson right before my test. I got into the car, looked around and noticed: this was a different car! The one I had been doing all my lessons in was an older model and apparently had broken down the day before. My instructor told me not to worry, that it was exactly the same, just a newer model. So, I'm like - okay, let's do this then. As soon as I started driving, though, I noticed how this car was nothing like the old car. Clutch control was higher and the break and accelerator were way more sensitive. So - here I started getting anxious - because in half an hour I was to have my test in a car I had never driven before.

We drove to the yard in town so I could go over the yard exercises before the test. As we arrived there, the gates were closed. It had a sign on it saying that only a maximum of 8 cars were allowed in the yard at a time and there were already 10 cars in there. My instructor got upset because it had been arranged that I would be allowed in as I had my test right after. So - she got the managers to open the gate. Now we were all these learner drivers together in one yard, so cars were getting in each other's way, cars were stalling, I wasn't managing to drive this new car smoothly and right about now I started freaking out a bit and getting upset. The anger was more of a build up from the anxiety and in seeing that: NOOOO! This is not how my last lesson is supposed to be! Why is it happening like this, that is not what I had in mind! How am I supposed to pass my test if I'm having to deal with this shit now!

See - in my mind I had created an expectation of how everything would play out - where I had expected to be driving the regular car that I had gotten to know very well, where there would only be a few other cars in the yard like I was used to, where I could calmly go through the exercises just as a last check to ensure I remembered everything and then off to the testing grounds and do the test. Within this projected future - I was confident that I would pass my test. But now - with reality not matching my expectations at all and Murphy's law in full force - I got angry thinking that this is not fair and I wanted to give up right there.

Within my mind - I saw I was starting to put all my justifications in place so that - when I get home and tell people that I failed my test a third time, I could 'explain' that it 'wasn't my fault, because look at all the things that went against me'. In that moment - I was able to breahte and step back to see what I was doing and saw how none of this was valid - because I am responsible no matter what - I cannot justify or point fingers in blame - what I do I create, I accept and allow, regardless of unforeseen events. So - I asked myself who I wanted to be within this situation: I could either give up before having tried and have my nice set of justifications for why it was apparently inevitable that I would fail - or: I could pass my test despite the odds. And I realized - the latter - that's who I want to be.

Then I looked at what was required for me to do that and I saw that the problem was my experience within this situation - realizing that: if I do not stop my emotional experience, then I may very well fail, because I am not here and attempting to pull of a challenging physical task effectively, such as driving a car in a specific way while I am reactive, is unlikely - because I am not in my body, I am in my mind and from within my mind I am not able to effectively direct myself in and as the physical.

So - I looked at my emotional experience and the anger-point stood out because I had been investigating the Anger Character in the days before. I realized then why the anger was there. As I had explained above, it came from a point of self-victimization as thinking that 'this is unfair' because reality was not matching with my expectation - so the anger was like throwing a little tantrum, because I felt I had done nothing to deserve all these unforeseen points. This very specific pattern of the Anger Character I had been investigating and I had scripted for myself the solution that I had seen as: it is cool to plan events beforehand, as a general guideline - yet, one cannot expect that reality will actually match up - we cannot predict the future, so to think that we are able to imagine how something will play out and to expect that it will actually pan out like that - is quite delusional - lol. So - herein I saw that yes, planning is practical, but we require to always remain flexible in being able to adjust and adapt ourselves and our plans in moments of unforeseen circumstances or points we had not considered or taken into account beforehand. And this was exactly the situation I found myself in and immediately - I had my solution here: Be Flexible and Adapt!

Awesome - I had direction. So, instead of continuing to participating in the pity-party, I breathed myself back into my body and focused on the main point that was concerning me, which was the different car. So, I payed specific attention to where the clutch control is, how the break responds to pressure, how the accelerator responds to pressure, when exactly to change the gears - and there, I started to see how to adjust my driving and the car was now running smoothly and I was present, here.

So - here is an example of how we can change ourselves in one moment when we have already walked a process of self-investigation, self-forgiveness and self-correction beforehand. Because - understand - here I write it out on paper and so it seems like it 'took a long time' to see the points and find a solution - but that is not how it played out. What took time was the participation in emotional reactions to a point where I became angry and wanted to give up - but it only took one breath to step back - see what I was doing, see the solution - breathe out - and implement the correction. This is what is meant in the Desteni I Process courses and Desteni material with 'corrective application' - the change does not happen in writing, forgiveness and scripting corrections - those points are all preparation so that - when we are faced with a pattern of self-dishonesty in a moment - we are able to let go and correct ourselves in one breath - and in changing ourselves, change the outcome of the situation we find ourselves in.

Oh - and yes, I passed my test ;). Learn more »

In the series ‘The Tudors’, the story of King Henry VIII of England is told. It shows how the King went through great lengths to declare his marriage to his first wife null and void, as ‘she had failed’ to give him a son. Where I am now in the story, he has just declared his marriage with Anne Boleyn, his second wife, null and void, for the same reason.

My partner and I had decided to have a child. Within this we had agreed to simply not try to stop it from happening, but otherwise not actively try to get the right timing, etc. As time passed, I noticed that I experienced a sense of urgency in relation to conceiving and getting pregnant, where with each following menstruation period, this urgency became more noticeable, and started being accompanied with an experience of desperation as the question ‘what if it doesn’t happen?’ I wrote several dimensions of this point as how I could relate to having created it. But it was only when watching the Tudors that I started seeing how within me I carry beliefs and ideas about what it means to be a woman that go back for centuries and form part of every woman’s collective memory. As I was watching the scenes in which Anne Boleyn miscarriages and becomes more and more desperate to conceive a son as she sees King Henry pull away from her – I became quite absorbed, like I was experiencing what she was experiencing and that this story was about me.

The series depicts how women in that time had no value unless married and had no purpose in life but to produce a child, or in case of royalty: a son, to their husband. Before marriage, they required to maintain and preserve their virginity and be an example of piety and grace, for who would want to marry a spoiled or sinful woman?

In seeing to what extent I became absorbed in the story – I started seeing how the same patterns still exist in women – and in myself – today. Where a fear exists that if a woman cannot/isn’t getting pregnant: she may lose her husband/partner and her status in society. And with this fear a depression and form of panic kicks in – because: who am I as a woman if I cannot conceive a child? Where it can feel as though one’s entire existence is threatened of being invalidated and one’s worth reduced to zero.

So – I wanted to share this perspective, since other women may go through similar experiences when conception doesn’t occur right away – where first a worry sets in and where, as time goes by, the fear slowly grows – until the urgency to conceive is felt more and more intensely.

When looking at the question ‘What if it doesn’t happen?’ to see what fears were involved, I expected to see primarily the fear of not having a child and not having this experience – but, in fact the fears that were most prominent were: What if my partner leaves me? – and: What will people think of me/how will my social status be affected? Those two questions/fears reflect what child-bearing meant for women centuries ago. In my case, for instance, my partner and I made a clear agreement that if there are children – cool, but if there are no children – also cool – and that this point does not affect our relationship and commitment to each other. In terms of fears in relation to social status – we no longer live in a day and age where a women’s sole purpose and he worth is defined in relation to having and nursing children.

So – when seeing these points, I walked a process of Self-Forgiveness to clear myself of these redundant fears that we have been carrying with us and have been passing on from generation to generation – where, these fears have no correlation to our actual lives/reality – but still affect us within creating emotional experiences that affect our behavior and experience of ourselves. Such fears very easily translate for instance into becoming obsessive about conceiving and tracking every single possible sign of pregnancy. Herein it is quite interesting to read online forums for instance where women discuss ‘early pregnancy symptoms’ – and consult each other to find out whether they could be pregnant – when everyone knows that in general one misses one’s period and then takes a pregnancy test – that is how to find out if one is pregnant. Any ‘symptom’ before this could be an indication of pregnancy or an indication that one’s period is coming up – they are the same. And yet, despite knowing and understanding this – there is still a frantic tracking of every single ‘sign’ or ‘symptom’ and to interpret it as a possible pregnancy, creating hopes and expectations that – when the periods come – result in disappointment and depression.

So – to all the women out there that are trying to conceive and have started to notice such experiences of anxiety, urgency and desperation in relation to conceiving, or such behavioral changes in becoming obsessive about finding out/predicting if one is pregnant – I would suggest to take a moment to write about the fears that you can identify by asking yourself the question: ‘What if it doesn’t happen – what if I don’t get pregnant?’ so that one can see what is driving these experiences and behavioral changes within oneself. Once you have identified the fears, you can walk a process of Self-Forgiveness to remove them. If you are not familiar with Self-Forgiveness, I suggest signing up for the Free DIP Lite course that will guide you in a step-by-step way to develop this skill and how to apply it in one’s life. From there – once the fears have been removed, I suggest speaking to one’s partner and making clear agreements so that you know where you stand. Herein – you can discuss what you agree to do in case there is a problem with fertility, or if it turns out one cannot have children. Not that this will be the case, but so that one knows what plans are in place in case such scenarios do occur. Because – it is often the ‘not knowing’ that creates a fear of it playing out. So – directing such points beforehand in having clear agreements with one’s partner enables one to approach the process of having a child in a practical and stable manner without the unnecessary emotional turmoil. If you have any questions about this process – please leave a comment! Learn more »

Leila had been pregnant for almost 9 months before Cesar was born, but my mind had not been able to 'conceptualize' what was happening or what was about to happen, that a baby would join us on the farm. Whenever I had attempted to imagine what it would be like to have Cesar on the farm before he was born, my mind would just go blank. We could read up on babies, what babies do and what they go through - but it doesn't really prepare you for the actuality of a baby being here with you. So, when Cesar was born and I met him, he was sleeping. And that's all it was - he was here now - and that's that.

Back home I was a bit reluctant to for instance hold Cesar, so I was quite reserved and rather observed what Leila and Gian did. The fear existed of having this innocent, physical child and somehow influencing him, by somehow not being clear in one's starting point or having some program or system running that one is not aware of and that Cesar would pick up on, on a resonant/physical or energetic level. At the same time there was an uncomfortability due to 'not knowing' how to hold a baby - where initially one does everything in slow-motion to be extra aware of where each hand is and where he is supported and where not - and with every grunt/sound/face Cesar made, exchanging glances with Leila/Gian so as to ask 'is this okay? am I doing something wrong that he is reacting to?' - lol. Sunette assisted a lot with giving suggestions on how to be around Cesar - to ensure that one is in one's own physical body - breathing - physically anchored - and to speak with low voices - not soft, but low, grounded. The second time I held Cesar, he was sleeping and I was sitting in Leila's rocking chair. While holding him I focused on my breath - clearing any tensions until I was present as myself in every part of my body. At that moment, it was as though Cesar and my body 'melted together' - there was no more separation - we were both here in the physical, equal and one.

I'll continue sharing more of my experiences with Cesar in this blog in the time to come - enjoy! Learn more »

I am here starting to walk a series as I go through the episodes of Parenthood wherein I'll work my way through various aspects of parenthood where throughout generations parents have tended to behave in similar ways in certain situations - and so, taking the opportunity to release preconceived ideas and copied-over behaviors about parenting/parenthood and considering what would be a best-for-all approach in such a situation. So - note that these are not situations that I am faced with in my life currently, but am taking responsibility for within seeing that: it could've been me. Herein - I invite everyone to share your own perspectives in the comment section - other points you may have observed or other possible solutions!

Here goes!

In the first Episode of Season one of the series Parenthood, Kristina and Adam get to hear that their son, Max, might have Asperger syndrome - both use the words 'there is something wrong with my baby/son' to describe the situation. This is one of the big fears parents have - that their child will be different, that it will be abnormal, that it will be disadvantaged, that it will be dysfunctional - and where this is then labeled as 'wrong'. There are a few aspects to this point.

1. Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing guilt about it.
2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.
3. Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.
4. Fear of how the parents' lives will change and how much they will have to sacrifice for the child - emotionally, financially and practically.

I'll further open up each of these points with Self-Forgiveness:

1. Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing guilt about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that there is/will/may be something 'wrong' with my baby - where 'wrong' could mean anything from the child being different in physical features, or 'out of the ordinary' regarding social or psychological 'make-up', it being 'abnormal' in any sense, it being disadvantaged in any sense, it being dysfunctional in any sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if a/my child deviates in any way from what is regarded as the 'norm' to label a child as 'normal', then it is appropriate to assess that there is something 'wrong' with the child and to as such label the child as 'wrong'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my child deviating from 'the norm' because I believe and fear that it would mean that there is something wrong with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately take it personally if I were to find out that my child does not conform to the 'norm' of what is regarded as a 'normal child' and to from there immediately feel guilty in the belief that I 'bestowed' unto the child deficient genes and that therefore I am the cause of bringing into the world and abnormality, which I would judge as an 'abomination'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge anything that is abnormal as deviating from 'the norm' as 'abominable' - believing it to be bad, fowl, a disgrace in the sense of it being a sign that that which is deemed 'abnormal' is as such because it fell or is not within 'God's Grace'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately assume/believe/interpret that if I were to have an 'abnormal' child as deviating from what is deemed to be 'the norm' - that it must be a punishment from God and thus, that i have done something terribly wrong/evil/fowl in my life that would deserve such a punishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately judge myself as 'abnormal', 'abominable', 'inadequate', 'deficient' and 'unworthy' if I were to find out that my child is in some way deviating from 'the norm' - and to actually believe that I am 'abnormal', 'abominable', 'inadequate', 'deficient' and 'unworthy'.

2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in reaction to hearing that my child may have some form of 'abnormality', immediately start generating thoughts as future projections about what their life may/might look like - where I would immediately assume the worst-case-scenario and believe that their life will be miserable, unfulfilling and difficult - and where I would then immediately start pitying the child as a victim, as hopeless and helpless.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that such a reaction reflects how I would react when/if I see that I in some way am different to others - where I would immediately believe that my life is doomed and that I will not be able to live my life the way it is 'meant' to be lived, as though such a way exists - and that I will inevitable suffer pain, difficulty and misery - and whereby I would immediately start pitying myself, seeing myself as a victim and as helpless and hopeless - where I would immediately define myself as inferior to whichever 'condition' or 'way in which I differ from the norm' and would allow it to dictate who I am and dictate my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - whenever I see that I in some way differ from others or differ from 'the norm' - immediately believe that this is a problem and will cause difficulties, whereby I then believe I have to 'find a way' to 'make up' for this apparent 'disability' or 'condition' and through future projections in my mind, attempt to envision all the worst case scenarios as situations where problems may arise due to this 'disability' and 'condition' - and then try to devise and think up ways through my mind in which I would be able to 'mask' my difficulty - so that others would only notice minimally that something's up and not judge me so that I wouldn't feel bad about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that any deviation from the 'norm' immediately implies inferiority in relation to the norm - that whatever is different, is by default worse and a problem to my survival.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - as soon as I see that there may be something different about me - label it as a 'condition' as a constant variable that cannot be changed and to which I must submit myself and my entire existence - instead of investigating how such a 'condition' was created through the acceptance and allowance of certain patterns over time - and from there see how I am best able to assist and support myself to align the origin-points to prevent the perpetuation of such patterns as taking responsibility for them - and not view the 'condition' as something separate from me that 'happened to me' - but seeing how I participated in its creation through my acceptances and allowances over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have imagined future projections of what my child's life must be like or what I would want my child's life to be like in terms of the kind of life I would've wanted/want - and so, whenever reality shows that my child's life will not be that which I had attempted to impose on it through my mind - I feel like I have failed - revealing herein the conditionality under which parents define effective parenting - where a parent apparently - lol - only succeeds and is effective in parenting if and only if the parent is able to control the child's life to such an extent that it turns out exactly the way the parent had envisioned/planned/hoped/wanted for the child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is a parent's job and responsibility to shape their children's lives and to make sure that the child does not stray from the path that the parent had set out from them - because apparently the parent is 'wise' in having lived a longer time and therefore apparently 'knows best' - when really the parent's view on 'a good life' is all based in fears and desires and unresolved personal issues which the parent superimposes onto the child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is my job and responsibility to shape my child/children's life/lives and to make sure that my child does not stray from the path that i have set out for them - and thus, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am 'wise' and 'all-knowing' must because I have lived a few decades longer than the child on this planet already and therefore apparently 'know best' and 'know better than the child what is good for the child' - not realizing that my view of 'the good life' is based in fears and desires as unresolved personal issues which I am superimposing onto the child instead of taking responsibility for my own issues and allowing the child to become self-responsible within directing their own life.

Continuing with Points 3 and 4 in the next blog. Thanks for reading.



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I have been observing an interesting point that was briefly mentioned in one of the EQAFE interviews of the "Parenting - Perfecting the Human Race" series in myself: that I have the tendency to first want to 'know' how to do something or get an explanation of how something is done, before I am willing to develop the point for myself. I have very much ingrained this pattern from my schooling years where this approach is how things are 'taught' in school - where you are first told and explained the 'rules' you have to follow and only once you have memorized the guidelines and the 'knowledge' part - do you have you put it into practice. This approach of 'teaching' also limits how things are done, because everyone follows the same format, you are already constrained in your expression through the instructions you are taught to follow. An interesting approach would be, for instance, to give children a task to do and to have each one have their own approach, their own perspective, their own style - and from there suggestions can be given in how things can be done more effectively for each individual student.

And so - for myself - every time I am faced with doing something new, I'll have this idea and perception that I can't do it, just because no-one has given me any instructions to follow. And within this, it is clear that I have very much defined self-trust in relation to knowledge - where 'I trust myself' means 'I am confident that I possess the knowledge in terms of how this is done and that I can effectively carry out the instructions contained within it' - lol - sounds quite robotic, right, lol. It's like I first need to be 'fed' a program or a script, so that I can just mindlessly follow the program or script in actual doing.

And, what I have found when I do push myself to just do it - just start somewhere, throw myself into the deep end - I can simply evaluate what I have done and from there, I can see for myself where I require to take a different approach, or where I can improve something and how to improve it in order to get a better result. And it is actually in those moments that self-trust comes in - because it is the seeing of what requires to change that is not based on knowledge or information that requires self-trust. Obviously, there is also always the point of being able to ask for assistance from someone who has already developed the particular skill or who has experience with the particular task to be able to specify one's own application - where, one can make one's own assessment and then ask another to share their perspective as well - and then the points can be merged and transformed into a plan for improvement.

And these attempts and try-outs don't have to be a dreadful thing - one determines this for oneself - when one can walk through the fear in breath and simply be here within and as the experiment, one can easily enjoy oneself - and even in making the assessment and making a plan for improvement. None of these points are inherently 'dreadful' or 'scary' or 'negative' - yet it's how we've often come to define them through our schooling experience - where it is strongly linked to 'not being good enough' or 'doing it wrong' or 'failing'.

So - here some perspective when one sees this pattern in oneself - to consider not placing trust in 'knowledge', but in and as ourselves - to simply walk here, in the moment from a starting-point of self-support. It's not about proving oneself to others and it's not about getting praise - it's about doing it for oneself and to discover who we are when we walk through our self-imposed limitations, fears and resistances!

To start this process, one can find support on http://lite.desteniiprocess.com, which is a free course where one is supported by a buddy - or one can go to http://forum.desteni.org where a group of people will welcome you and be ready to assist!
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It's been more than a year since the 7 Year Journey to Life started and so - I'm here in this blog looking back and assessing my application in the first year.

What is the Journey to Life about? It's a process wherein those walking are taking responsibility for themselves - taking responsibility for who they are, for their inner creation. It's a process of investigating and addressing every single thought, emotion, feeling that exists in our minds - that float up and that we believe is actually us, and that we actually believe have our best interests at heart - and yet, when actually investigating the nature of these emotions, feelings, thoughts, interpretations, beliefs, perceptions, ideas - and how we created them through tracing back the memories from which we developed set behavioral patterns - we invariably find the ironic oposite: that none of what the mind presents us ever in our best interest, but actually are a sign of gross self-deception, self-limitation, self-delusion and self-sabotage.

Within and through walking this process publically - for all to see - in a series of personal blogs - the process stretches further than self-responsibility - it is a process of establishing integrity - showing that it is possible for people to have integrity and showing how it can be done. Herein, one can see through a person's writings whether you can trust the person or not.

So - after a year of the 7 Year Journey - I look back at my own application and find that I have failed myself within what this process is about. I find that I have not disciplined myself within daily writing where I take a moment every day to make time for myself in taking responsibility for who I am, what I have accepted and allowed, tracing it back to the origin-points and writing practical solutions for myself as a guide or platform from which to live the correction.

I too often accepted excuses and justifications to not move myself within this discipline-point. Herein I look back to the start of my process and how I used to vigorously write daily - and thoroughly enjoy it - it was the most exciting thing I'd ever done - whereas within this first year of the Journey to Life, I've approached it as an obligation, a task - wherein I immediately place myself in a position of resistance and 'not wanting to do it'. I've also used the part of my process wherein I was disciplined within my writing as an additional excuse that 'I've already done this, I've already proven to myself that I can do it' - but, self-honestly, if it is not a consistent point, then how can I trust that it is real - then how can I trust that it is me moving myself - if I cannot sustain the movement myself?

And it is not only about daily writing - it is about pushing myself to specify my writing - to go beyond where I am, to expand myself, to explore farther. Within this I've seen that I've become 'content' with where I am within my process - where I have shifted my priority from dedication to life to leading my own comfortable life. Having overcome major obstacles within myself I feel like 'I'm mostly done now' and that I'm wlling to 'settle' now - settle for less - I've helped myself to get to a 'better place' within myself - yet, when it comes to now expanding my skills, specificy and responsibility to be able to stand as a trustworthy, influential and powerful point within this world in order to assist and support every life form - dedication suddenly lost its appeal and I've been slacking within my process. I've been taking my environment for granted, I've taken the people around me for granted, I've taken the Desteni group of support for granted, I've taken the animals that support me for granted. From walking towards become a living expression and participant within myself, my environment, my world - I've started managing myself, my environment and my world.

In hiding behind past achievements and accomplishments, I didn't see how I started fading and retracting from my position of effectiveness.

So, herewith, I re-commit and re-dedicate myself towards life.
I re-commit and re-dedicate myself towards walking the 7 Year Journey to Nothingness effectively - in order to continue manifesting fundamental and substantial change within myself and no longer settle and compromise myself and others in taking for granted the opportunity I have here - wherein my first responsibility is to write myself to freedom.

Time to get back to humbleness, time to get back to self-honesty and not waste any more breaths.

Thank you for reading.

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