This blog-post is a continuation to 'Day 85: To Cut the Hair or Not to Cut the Hair - How Money Drives Decision-Making'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base a desire that I have translated on a goal that I must attain within my life on a singular thought in one singular moment - where I saw a girl walking by me while I was walking with my grandmother in Zafarraya and saw how long the girl's hair was, and where I thought in that moment: I want to have long hair just like her - and within that moment decide that this is something that I wanted and HAD TO achieve in my life.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question why I wanted my hair to grow long and why it seemed to just be an inherent desire that has 'always been with me' - when actually it wasn't, as it was self-created in a moment through accepting one singular thought - where, I believed that following this thought would somehow fulfill me and complete me.

I forgive myself that I have accpted and allowed myself to simply regard this desire for having long hair as a part of me, as who I am, without considering where the desire originated from and that, in looking at the origin of the desire, which was one singular thought in one singular moment, it was completely insignificant - and thus, that it is ridiculous to base 'who I am' on such fleeting thoughts that have no real substance.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question and investigate my experience within continuously changing my mind about what I want to do with my hair, where the base-line was always to fulfil my childhood desire of having long hair that grows all the way to my bottom, but where I would always give up on letting it grow and go to the hairdresser or cut it myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realise that what always caused me to change my mind was impatience as anxiety - where I would build up more and more anxiety in relation to having long hair or short hair and then start noticing girls/women with the opposite - so if I had long hair, I'd start noticing all the women/girls with short hair and how it would suit them and imagining how it would suit me - and if I had short hair, I'd start noticing al the women/girls with long hair and how it would suit them and imagining how it would suit me and how much I would be able to do with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the anxiety as a sign that what my hair is like now is not what it should be or is supposed to be and that there is something wrong with it and that it needs to be changed - therefore, starting to compare my hair to the hair of other women/girls to then see other haircuts as better than mind, where I'd believe that if I just change my haircut to be more like that of other girls/women, the anxiety will go away because my hair will be what my hair is 'supposed to be like'.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that the anxiety was actually a result of the fear to lose time or the fear to waste time - because each time I make a decision in terms of what I do with my hair, I was investing time within that particular course of action - and thus, automatically, excluding other options, making it unable to experience these other options within a certain timeframe.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realise that every decision I have ever made, including the decision to grow or cut my hair has always been based on economic principles, where I would consider the opportunity cost of 'spending' x amount of time towards trying to achieve and attain a certain experience and whether that was worth it in comparison to the other options.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become impatient when my time investments didn't show immediate results when I was letting my hair grow - believing that my investment wasn't paying off fast enough - because - as I invested more and more time within letting my hair grow, I was at the same time giving up more and more time that I could have spent on playing around with lots of different short haircuts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conform my way of decision-making to the idea that time is money and that I am continuously running out of time and running out of money - and thus, that I have to always try to get 'as much as I can' out of any money or time spent - regardless of whether I'm spending it on what I would support me/what I would really enjoy or not - simply trying to attain the largest range of experiences within a given time-frame or within a certain budget.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my ability to be patient in favor of fear, as is instructed and encouraged in a world where time is money and where two dangers are always lurking: that you will lose all your money - or that you will die - and thus, throughout my entire life, base every single decision within this starting-point of fear of losing money and fear of losing time - continuously making compromises for ourselves through trying to make decisions that make us feel like we've made a 'good deal', but in fact has nothing to do with who we are, who we would like to be and what we would really like to achieve in this lifetime, in this world.

Related articles

• Day 85: To Cut the Hair or Not to Cut the Hair - How Money Drives Decison-Making
• Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
• Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
• Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear

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I have this thing with my hair since I was very little, that I've always wanted to let it grow until it reaches my butt - lol. And so far, I haven't managed to ever let it grow that long. This desire actually originates from when I was small and I was walking with my grandmother in her village in Spain, we were walking to the shop. And a few meters away from us another girl was walking with her mother or grandmother and she had really long hair, reaching all the way to her bottom. And in that moment, I thought: I want to have long hair like that! And it's with that singular thought that I made this decision that I had to get my hair to grow that long.

So - regardless of whether it's practical to let my hair grown that long - I'd like to write here about why I never managed to let it grow - or, in other words, why I always ended up cutting it. And the point I realised that always led me to go to the hairdresser or just grab a pair of scissors myself, is the point of impatience. So, I listened to the Life Review of 'My Life of Impatience' to get some further perspective to be able to open up the point here.

What I'd always experience as my hair started getting longer is an experience of anxiety that would get more and more intense and more and more prominent. I'd then start noticing all the girls/women in movies or on the street that have short hair and how it would suit them so well. And from there, I'd think that I wanted to have the same and that it would probably suit me too and that I was just wasting my time with trying to let it grow, because letting my hair grow takes a lot of time and instead of spending that time letting my hair grow where it always kind of stays and looks the same - I could be having these short haircuts that look so cool! And eventually, after enough anxiety built up and I'd played around with imagining having different styles of short haircuts, I'd eventually decide on one style and just cut it all. And after it was cut, I'd feel 'relieved', like the anxiety just dissipated and I felt more at peace.

But not for very long... because before I knew it, the opposite started happening. Where I'd start noticing all these girls/women with long hair and how it looks good on them and how much they can do with long hair in terms of how they wear the long hair, whereas with the short hair, I could only just let it hang and tuck it behind my ears. And then I'd become anxious again and thinking that long hair would suit me better and that I should be letting it grow an that I've now wasted again so much time with cutting my hair, because if I hadn't cut it, my hair would've been longer by now and I would've almost been able to do whatever I wanted with my hair - and then, I'd go back to wanting to let it grow.

So - the impatience is actually an experience of anxiety - and the anxiety is specifically related to 'wasting' or 'losing' time. It's like, whenever I make one decision, I'm afraid of missing out on something else. In economics there is a term called 'opportunity cost' which refers to the next best alternative that you give up by making a choice. In economics they work with monetary terms, but within this particular point, I'm working with time. Because - I only have so much time that I'm alive and with that time, I have to decide, what I will 'spend' this time on - in terms of what experiences I would like to see realised in my life. And the cost of letting my hair grow till it reaches my butt has just always seemed as a very 'expensive' experience to try to attain - because I would have to 'spend' a lot of time to growing my hair, and while I dedicate my time to doing that, I can't play around with short haircuts.

And, it's funny, because if you look at it - it wouldn't take that much time to let my hair grown that long, if you compare it to a lifetime, but as I 'invest' more and more time in it and don't see immediate results, I become uncertain about my investment and wonder if my time would not be better 'spent' somewhere else.

In a world where Time is Money, we've relinquished on our ability to be patient - because we constantly feel that we're missing out on something, that we're losing time, that we're losing money. And within that we no longer consider what it actually is that we would like to experience and do, regardless of how much time it takes, but instead - we settle for things that take less time and that give us a greater range of experiences, not because the experiences we settle for are what we actually would enjoy experiencing, but just because we feel like we're wasting less time doing it - getting 'more' for our time spent. It's fascinating, because I never saw for myself how every decision we make - even the silliest ones about what haircut to have - are based on economic principles that we've been brainwashed to accept as part of our way of thinking. And then we end up having these seemingly random experiences of anxiety building up, where we don't understand where it comes from, but just try to 'deal with' in a quick-fix manner by simply acting on it. It's quite sad, really - that our existence has been reduced to living as constant fear of loss. I mean - how can we say that we've lived if this is how we live our lives, if this is how we make decisions? And every single decision always either involves money or time - or both - so, nothing of our life is free - because our very choices and decisions are based within compromise and fear.

Related articles

• Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
• Killed by my own Fear
• Day 136: Walking Back in Time
• Day 121: How we Ruin our Lives with Memories
• Day 98: Stress Management

Learn more »

 This blog is a continuation of: Day 30: Goodness as Positivity and Day 31: You're My HERO!!! - continuing to purify the word 'Good'.

In my mind, I associate the word 'Good' with: 

Being consistent within fulfilling responsibilities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘good’ in separation of myself within and as being consistent within fulfilling responsibilities and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to define the word ‘bad’ in separation of myself within and as not being consistent within fulfilling responsibilities.

Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘good’ through defining it within and as something separate from me, as being consistent within fulfilling responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined the word ‘good’ in relation to virtues that are encouraged by others as learned in school and at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach a positive charge to being consistent within fulfilling responsibilities, as though a being who is consistent within fulfilling responsibilities is a better person than someone who doesn’t.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be convinced that someone who is not consistent within fulfilling responsibilities really is worse and worth less as a being than someone is consistent within fulfilling responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a being who is consistent within fulfilling responsibilities as a ‘good person’ and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a being who is not consistent within fulfilling responsibilities as a ‘bad person’.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that in recognizing that someone who isn’t consistent within fulfilling their responsibilities is not a bad person doesn’t mean that it is a good person and doesn’t mean that being inconsistent is practical and preferred within the process of getting things done.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that being consistent within applying oneself to perform all the necessary tasks, duties, etc. or not has to do with where a being is within their process and doesn’t definitively determine the essence of a being as being ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that within defining ‘good’ within and as being consistent within fulfilling tasks, duties and responsibilities, one is supporting the idea and perception that those who are consistent at the moment within their process are better beings than those who are not yet at this stage within their process, in effect supporting and manifesting separation within supporting and feeding the construct of polarity of superiority vs. inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being consistent out of fear of being judged/judging myself as not being good, but as being bad – where I then feel bad about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach anxiety and fear to the word ‘good’ through connecting anxiety and fear to being inconsistent within my application – and thus, attempt to be consistent from a starting point of anxiety and fear.

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