Als en wanneer ik zie dat ik de gemakkelijke weg wil nemen en in mijzelf een stap naar achteren zet om anderen 'de vloer' te geven om te bepalen wat er nu moet gebeuren - stop ik, adem ik. Ik realiseer mij dat ik mijzelf aan het limiteren ben en toegeef aan angst voor verantwoordelijkheid, angst voor kwetsbaarheid en angst om een vergissing te maken. En dus - ik verbind mijzelf er toe om de angsten los te laten, mijzelf te omarmen in mijzelf en door de weerstand heen te lopen in het duwen van mijzelf om actief de leiding te nemen, initiatief te nemen, oplossingen te vinden, op ideeën te komen, etc., naargelang de context van het moment.
Als en wanneer ik zie dat ik een ander de toestemming geef om mijn levenspad uit te leggen en mijn toekomst te bepalen - dan stop ik, dan adem ik - ik realiseer mij dat ik een ander belast met de verantwoordelijkheid van mijn leven en dat ik eigenlijk een statement maak dat het mij niets kan schelen wat er van mij of mijn leven wordt - en dus, ik verbind mijzelf ertoe om de moeite te doen om de moed en de vaardigheden te ontwikkelen om zelfstandig te zijn in elke zin van het woord.
Als en wanneer ik zie dat ik denk 'dat ik niet klaar ben' om verscheidene opties te zien en af te wegen en dan zelf een richting te kiezen of dat ik de vaardigheden neit heb om dit te doen of dat ik op niets kan komen/dat er mij niets te binnen springt - dan stop ik, dan adem ik - ik realiseer mij dat dit slechts excuses en verantwoordingen zijn die niet geldig zijn als een manier van zelf-manipulatie om mijzelf ervan te overtuigen dat het okay is dat ik mijzelf op deze manier limiteer - en dus, verbind ik mijzelf ertoe om door de weerstand heen te lopen en het gewoon een kans geef, hoe zinloos of belachelijk de ideeëen ook mogen klinken, gewoon om door die angst heen te lopen.
Als en wanneer ik zie dat ik in een staat van nervositeit, angst of schrik ga en de neiging heb om op mijn stappen terug te gaan, of gewoon te stoppen waar ik ben en niet verder te gaan - dan stop ik in mijzelf, dan adem ik - ik realiseer mij dat ik een zelf-bepaalde grens nader en dat als ik verderga, ik buiten mijn comfortzone stap en dat het daarom is dat ik de angst ervaar, en ik realiseer mij dat zelfs als de angst 'veiliger' lijkt dan het onbekende als wat ik nog niet verkend heb in/van mijzelf, omdat het 'tenminste' vertrouwd is, dat het helemaal zinloos is om angst te verkiezen om angst te vermijden - en dus, ik verbind mijzelf ertoe om verder te gaan en het onbekende te verkennen, zodat ik, stap voor stap, adem bij adem, moment na moment, elk deel van mijzelf verken, zodat alles in en van mijzelf vertrouwd kan zijn en vertrouwd kan worden.
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In the Post Office at the mall today, there was a woman and her 2 or 3 year-old daughter. They had a big shopping trolley with them. At some point, the trolley fell on top of the little girl. As I heard the noise, I turned around and I saw I was closest, so I stepped over and lifted the trolley up so the girl could get from underneath it. As the girl got up, she started crying and crying. The mother immediately picked her up and held her tight against her, talking to her and trying to comfort her. The girl was physically fine.
So – that’s the basics of the event that took place. Now let’s slow down on some points and have a closer look.
After I’d picked up the trolley and I heard the girl starting to cry, I immediately reacted with anxiety, fear and a form of panic. I wondered for a moment if there was something I could do for the girl, how I was able to help her – but realised that since I wasn’t stable in that moment, I wouldn’t be much help. There was already a lot of energy moving around and I figured that if I’d try to jump in as well, getting involved while reacting – and thus throwing in my energies into the mix as well – I’d just be throwing oil on the fire. So, I stepped back into the queue I was previously standing in and didn’t further participate.
Also – as I saw the mother’s reaction of immediately picking up the child and comforting her, I wondered if that was really a good idea. As soon as I heard the girl starting to cry – my first instinct was the same – get to the girl and comfort her asap!! Lol.But I’ve recently been watching the TV-show 'The Dog Whisperer’ with Cesar Millan and he explains how – when you give a dog affection, you’re always nurturing the state of mind the dog is in at the time you give the dog affection. So – if your dog is aggressive and you pet him to try and calm him down – you’re actually, from his perspective, supporting his aggression and encouraging him. Or – when your dog is scared or shy and you pick up your dog to make them feel ‘safe’ – you’re actually nurturing the dog’s fear and shyness. Which makes total sense – I mean, the only way your do
g is going to get over his fear, is if he faces it. By picking him up, you’re just giving him a place to hide from whatever it is that he’s afraid of.
So – as soon as I saw the mother pick up her child as it was crying, I looked at it the same was as with a dog. The message she was giving to her child was that crying is a good way to deal with a situation like this.
And – regardless of this dog psychology perspective – when you look at it from the mother’s perspective: was she trying to help her child or herself? In that moment of seeing her child underneath the trolley (which was luckily empty, btw) in between all those people – what was going through her mind? Fear of the girl being hurt, embarrassment, fear of people thinking she’s a bad mother and a whole lot of guilt because this happened on her watch. So – if I look at it – the point of her ‘trying to calm down her daughter’ was for a big part based in self-interest. She had to show the people around her that she cared, she had to make her daughter stop crying asap so that the people would stop looking/judging and so that she can feel better about the event. Because if the girls stops crying, then surely she didn’t get hurt that bad and she doesn’t need to feel so guilty.
So – considering those two points: the mother’s starting point for her action as well as the message she was giving to her daughter: I’d say it wasn’t the most practical/best for all solution. Rather – make sure that you’re calm first as a mother. You can’t expect to calm someone else down, if you’re not calm, stable and assertive yourself. Just as a dog can pick up on what it is you’re experiencing – so can human beings on some level, and children are more sensitive to it. So – to calm a child down, the best thing you can do, is to calm yourself down first lol. In participating in the whole commotion by letting your fears and emotions run rampant, you’re merely participating in your daughter’s fearful and emotional state and thus – only feeding that experience.
Then – the point of holding the child is also not really advised. The same example as I gave with the dog: if you give the dog a hiding place, then the dog is merely hiding from his fear. In embracing/holding your child, you’re giving her a place to hide and suppress the experience – instead of allowing the child to see what happened, check if she’s okay and realise that if she’s okay, then it wasn’t all that bad – and next time, she’ll know not to do whatever it is she did to get the trolley on top of herself.
So – I would suggest to everyone to watch ‘The Dog Whisperer’ as Cesar Millan gives some cool, simple perspective in terms of how our inner experience influences the experience and behaviour of the beings around you and how, if you’re not calm and assertive – you can’t be a directive point in your world – instead: something or someone else will direct you.
For more support on how to develop the common sense to see how to direct yourself and others in daily life – join www.desteniiprocess.com or see us at the forum at www.desteni.org/forum.
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Comfort as how it is lived and experienced in this world is as a 'hiding' from pain. Comfort always occurs After something unpleasant has happened to you and then someone comes to comfort you. Comfort – Come into my fort – Come here, I will comfort you, I will create an apparent fort around you, where you can pretend that you are safe and secure from whatever it is you're hiding from. In that, you can suppress your experience so that it feels like it is now 'gone'.
This definition and application of the word 'comfort' is quite problematic – as all that happens is a suppression of what you are experiencing. And – in a way this is obvious, because – most of the time – what you are actually trying to hide and run away from, is yourself, your own inner experiences. No fort is going to keep you safe from yourself… so all that you 'can' do – apparently – is to suppress your inner emotions so that they are gone and you are now 'safe'.
In those moments, where you seek comfort from someone – what is usually the experience? It is an experience of inner turmoil and it is like this inner turmoil has 'taken over' inside yourself. And all you can do is just be that turmoil and cry as the turmoil and worry with the turmoil and think about the turmoil and it is like a storm that doesn't stop and the only way you know for the storm to stop is to have someone else step in and comfort you.
In that storm, in that inner turmoil – it is like you have lost yourself.
So – what is the alternative? How can you stop the storm without having someone comfort you and suppressing the entire experience? Because – common sense – if the experience is suppressed, it means it is not gone at all – it is merely suppressed. You don't feel it anymore, but it's still there, lurking in the depths and the shadows of yourself. And with any next opportunity, when you are off-guard, it will just come storming back in, taking you over, all over again.
The alternative is for you to – from within the storm – stand up. This is done through applying self-forgiveness, breathing and self-corrective statements. As you apply these tools, you will see that the storm clears – and you come forth. When self comes forth – that must be… self-comfort.
Instead of being comforted by someone saying 'come into my fort' where you can try to hide from the storm inside yourself – you comfort yourself; allowing yourself to Come Forth through applying the tools of breathing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.
This new perspective on the word 'comfort' is also applicable in relation to the words 'comfortable' and 'comfortability'. Because – when you say that you are comfortable in the presence of a particular being, do you not mean that you are able to be yourself? That you feel that you are able to share things with this person that you would not normally share? So – you are comfort-able – able to come forth as who you are. Eventually, you want to be able to be here as who you are no matter what – though, initially, you will find that you feel comfortable only around certain beings.
In terms of an agreement partner – that comfortability is what you are looking for – someone where you are able to come forth – where you feel like you can share things that you would not normally share, where there is no pressure to be anything else than just you. This point of comfortability is signalling to you that there is potential for an agreement here.
If you find an agreement partner and both of you have decided to walk together – you will find moments where you are no longer comfortable, where you want to hide from the other, where you want to run away from the person, where you want to 'appear better' to the person, etc. This does not mean that your agreement is now invalid and that you have to break up. It simply means that you're facing a particular point. Then, it is to push yourself to communicate with the other being, push yourself back to that point of comfort. Stand up – come forth.
If you keep on applying this point, if you keep on pushing for that point of self-comfortability within agreement – you will see that it becomes much easier for you to be comfortable around other beings as well. What are agreements, but a training ground in realising your equality and oneness to and as other beings?
So – remember that it is not because you are comfortable in the presence of a particular being, that this comfortability will remain unchanged if you decide to walk an agreement together. Your comfortability is a starting-point. As you walk together and go through all kinds of experiences that are being triggered and you suddenly realise that you're not at all comfortable with your agreement partner anymore – that's when you want to go back to your starting-point. Because if you continue as you are, where you are in each other's presence, but not actually present as you with the other – you'll each move into separate directions, individually and communication will become more and more problematic.
So – go back to your starting-point, meaning: push for that point of open communication. Share what it is that you're experiencing, despite feeling uncomfortable about it. And as you talk with each other, and openly share what each one has been experiencing, you're placing yourself back as the starting-point of comfortability. This means that you're both present again, here, together – and able to direct the particular point that caused you to become uncomfortable around each other in the first place.
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