Tuesday I had my driver's license test. This was my third attempt. With the previous two attempts I didn't get passed the yard-section of the test where you have to do your parking and stuff. Before the day of my test I had scheduled a lesson, but the times got mixed up - where I had written down a lesson in the morning, and they had written me down for the afternoon - causing me to miss that lesson. I didn't see it as a big deal, because by then I had practiced a lot and felt confident I could pass the test. The next day, I had a short lesson right before my test. I got into the car, looked around and noticed: this was a different car! The one I had been doing all my lessons in was an older model and apparently had broken down the day before. My instructor told me not to worry, that it was exactly the same, just a newer model. So, I'm like - okay, let's do this then. As soon as I started driving, though, I noticed how this car was nothing like the old car. Clutch control was higher and the break and accelerator were way more sensitive. So - here I started getting anxious - because in half an hour I was to have my test in a car I had never driven before.

We drove to the yard in town so I could go over the yard exercises before the test. As we arrived there, the gates were closed. It had a sign on it saying that only a maximum of 8 cars were allowed in the yard at a time and there were already 10 cars in there. My instructor got upset because it had been arranged that I would be allowed in as I had my test right after. So - she got the managers to open the gate. Now we were all these learner drivers together in one yard, so cars were getting in each other's way, cars were stalling, I wasn't managing to drive this new car smoothly and right about now I started freaking out a bit and getting upset. The anger was more of a build up from the anxiety and in seeing that: NOOOO! This is not how my last lesson is supposed to be! Why is it happening like this, that is not what I had in mind! How am I supposed to pass my test if I'm having to deal with this shit now!

See - in my mind I had created an expectation of how everything would play out - where I had expected to be driving the regular car that I had gotten to know very well, where there would only be a few other cars in the yard like I was used to, where I could calmly go through the exercises just as a last check to ensure I remembered everything and then off to the testing grounds and do the test. Within this projected future - I was confident that I would pass my test. But now - with reality not matching my expectations at all and Murphy's law in full force - I got angry thinking that this is not fair and I wanted to give up right there.

Within my mind - I saw I was starting to put all my justifications in place so that - when I get home and tell people that I failed my test a third time, I could 'explain' that it 'wasn't my fault, because look at all the things that went against me'. In that moment - I was able to breahte and step back to see what I was doing and saw how none of this was valid - because I am responsible no matter what - I cannot justify or point fingers in blame - what I do I create, I accept and allow, regardless of unforeseen events. So - I asked myself who I wanted to be within this situation: I could either give up before having tried and have my nice set of justifications for why it was apparently inevitable that I would fail - or: I could pass my test despite the odds. And I realized - the latter - that's who I want to be.

Then I looked at what was required for me to do that and I saw that the problem was my experience within this situation - realizing that: if I do not stop my emotional experience, then I may very well fail, because I am not here and attempting to pull of a challenging physical task effectively, such as driving a car in a specific way while I am reactive, is unlikely - because I am not in my body, I am in my mind and from within my mind I am not able to effectively direct myself in and as the physical.

So - I looked at my emotional experience and the anger-point stood out because I had been investigating the Anger Character in the days before. I realized then why the anger was there. As I had explained above, it came from a point of self-victimization as thinking that 'this is unfair' because reality was not matching with my expectation - so the anger was like throwing a little tantrum, because I felt I had done nothing to deserve all these unforeseen points. This very specific pattern of the Anger Character I had been investigating and I had scripted for myself the solution that I had seen as: it is cool to plan events beforehand, as a general guideline - yet, one cannot expect that reality will actually match up - we cannot predict the future, so to think that we are able to imagine how something will play out and to expect that it will actually pan out like that - is quite delusional - lol. So - herein I saw that yes, planning is practical, but we require to always remain flexible in being able to adjust and adapt ourselves and our plans in moments of unforeseen circumstances or points we had not considered or taken into account beforehand. And this was exactly the situation I found myself in and immediately - I had my solution here: Be Flexible and Adapt!

Awesome - I had direction. So, instead of continuing to participating in the pity-party, I breathed myself back into my body and focused on the main point that was concerning me, which was the different car. So, I payed specific attention to where the clutch control is, how the break responds to pressure, how the accelerator responds to pressure, when exactly to change the gears - and there, I started to see how to adjust my driving and the car was now running smoothly and I was present, here.

So - here is an example of how we can change ourselves in one moment when we have already walked a process of self-investigation, self-forgiveness and self-correction beforehand. Because - understand - here I write it out on paper and so it seems like it 'took a long time' to see the points and find a solution - but that is not how it played out. What took time was the participation in emotional reactions to a point where I became angry and wanted to give up - but it only took one breath to step back - see what I was doing, see the solution - breathe out - and implement the correction. This is what is meant in the Desteni I Process courses and Desteni material with 'corrective application' - the change does not happen in writing, forgiveness and scripting corrections - those points are all preparation so that - when we are faced with a pattern of self-dishonesty in a moment - we are able to let go and correct ourselves in one breath - and in changing ourselves, change the outcome of the situation we find ourselves in.

Oh - and yes, I passed my test ;).

In the series ‘The Tudors’, the story of King Henry VIII of England is told. It shows how the King went through great lengths to declare his marriage to his first wife null and void, as ‘she had failed’ to give him a son. Where I am now in the story, he has just declared his marriage with Anne Boleyn, his second wife, null and void, for the same reason.

My partner and I had decided to have a child. Within this we had agreed to simply not try to stop it from happening, but otherwise not actively try to get the right timing, etc. As time passed, I noticed that I experienced a sense of urgency in relation to conceiving and getting pregnant, where with each following menstruation period, this urgency became more noticeable, and started being accompanied with an experience of desperation as the question ‘what if it doesn’t happen?’ I wrote several dimensions of this point as how I could relate to having created it. But it was only when watching the Tudors that I started seeing how within me I carry beliefs and ideas about what it means to be a woman that go back for centuries and form part of every woman’s collective memory. As I was watching the scenes in which Anne Boleyn miscarriages and becomes more and more desperate to conceive a son as she sees King Henry pull away from her – I became quite absorbed, like I was experiencing what she was experiencing and that this story was about me.

The series depicts how women in that time had no value unless married and had no purpose in life but to produce a child, or in case of royalty: a son, to their husband. Before marriage, they required to maintain and preserve their virginity and be an example of piety and grace, for who would want to marry a spoiled or sinful woman?

In seeing to what extent I became absorbed in the story – I started seeing how the same patterns still exist in women – and in myself – today. Where a fear exists that if a woman cannot/isn’t getting pregnant: she may lose her husband/partner and her status in society. And with this fear a depression and form of panic kicks in – because: who am I as a woman if I cannot conceive a child? Where it can feel as though one’s entire existence is threatened of being invalidated and one’s worth reduced to zero.

So – I wanted to share this perspective, since other women may go through similar experiences when conception doesn’t occur right away – where first a worry sets in and where, as time goes by, the fear slowly grows – until the urgency to conceive is felt more and more intensely.

When looking at the question ‘What if it doesn’t happen?’ to see what fears were involved, I expected to see primarily the fear of not having a child and not having this experience – but, in fact the fears that were most prominent were: What if my partner leaves me? – and: What will people think of me/how will my social status be affected? Those two questions/fears reflect what child-bearing meant for women centuries ago. In my case, for instance, my partner and I made a clear agreement that if there are children – cool, but if there are no children – also cool – and that this point does not affect our relationship and commitment to each other. In terms of fears in relation to social status – we no longer live in a day and age where a women’s sole purpose and he worth is defined in relation to having and nursing children.

So – when seeing these points, I walked a process of Self-Forgiveness to clear myself of these redundant fears that we have been carrying with us and have been passing on from generation to generation – where, these fears have no correlation to our actual lives/reality – but still affect us within creating emotional experiences that affect our behavior and experience of ourselves. Such fears very easily translate for instance into becoming obsessive about conceiving and tracking every single possible sign of pregnancy. Herein it is quite interesting to read online forums for instance where women discuss ‘early pregnancy symptoms’ – and consult each other to find out whether they could be pregnant – when everyone knows that in general one misses one’s period and then takes a pregnancy test – that is how to find out if one is pregnant. Any ‘symptom’ before this could be an indication of pregnancy or an indication that one’s period is coming up – they are the same. And yet, despite knowing and understanding this – there is still a frantic tracking of every single ‘sign’ or ‘symptom’ and to interpret it as a possible pregnancy, creating hopes and expectations that – when the periods come – result in disappointment and depression.

So – to all the women out there that are trying to conceive and have started to notice such experiences of anxiety, urgency and desperation in relation to conceiving, or such behavioral changes in becoming obsessive about finding out/predicting if one is pregnant – I would suggest to take a moment to write about the fears that you can identify by asking yourself the question: ‘What if it doesn’t happen – what if I don’t get pregnant?’ so that one can see what is driving these experiences and behavioral changes within oneself. Once you have identified the fears, you can walk a process of Self-Forgiveness to remove them. If you are not familiar with Self-Forgiveness, I suggest signing up for the Free DIP Lite course that will guide you in a step-by-step way to develop this skill and how to apply it in one’s life. From there – once the fears have been removed, I suggest speaking to one’s partner and making clear agreements so that you know where you stand. Herein – you can discuss what you agree to do in case there is a problem with fertility, or if it turns out one cannot have children. Not that this will be the case, but so that one knows what plans are in place in case such scenarios do occur. Because – it is often the ‘not knowing’ that creates a fear of it playing out. So – directing such points beforehand in having clear agreements with one’s partner enables one to approach the process of having a child in a practical and stable manner without the unnecessary emotional turmoil. If you have any questions about this process – please leave a comment!