This blog-post is a continuation of:
Day 55: Today I Broke Up with my Ex
Day 56: Letting Go of an Old Flame
Day 57: Doubting Myself after a Decision
Day 58: Living Life in Service of Guilt
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place guilt above myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing/ready to live my life in service of guilt where I would place myself in a position of self-compromise to satisfy another person because I feel/believe that I have to make things up to them for me to feel better about my past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have guilt direct me and my life - where I place guilt above myself as a dictator - and in the name of guilt, suppress my self-honesty and self-integrity completely.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and be hard on myself for not having stood as the directive principle within this relationship-point - when I at that time did not have the tools to assist and support myself in what I was doing and how I was able to stand as this directive principle, or even understood what that meant.
When and as I see myself trusting a feeling/curiosity/desire/attraction instead of self-certainty - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am trusting my mind over myself and that thus, in following these feelings/curiosities/desires/attractions I will end up in a situation of conflict and dilemma where I feel I am stuck, because the mind will always steer me to situations of conflict as it requires the energy that is generation through the friction in conflict to sustain itself - and thus, I commit myself to investigate the particular feelings, curiosities, desires and attractions in terms of what they are revealing to me about myself where I have separated aspects of me from myself by defining them/looking for them elsewhere - and I correct the points that are misaligned and direct myself in self-trust according to the self-certainty that is here.
When and as I see myself giving mixed signals to a person - where I allow them to remain in a certain point of delusion/illusion where I keep feeding this delusion/illusion through not speaking clearly where I stand and what I will accept and allow - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am using another as a character in my play where I want to find out what it feels like to live out certain scenes/scenarios, and that I will eventually end up in a point of guilt and regret of what I had done in the name of self-interest - and thus, I commit myself to clearly communicate where I stand/what I will accept and allow so as to not feed any delusions/illusions in another and thus, treat the other in a way I would like to be treated.
When and as I see myself wondering what it would be like to live out a certain scenario/lifestyle/scene that I see on TV or read in books - I stop, I breathe - I realise that TV and books are really fiction and that how things play out on TV/books mostly has nothing to do with practical reality - and thus, I commit myself to assess whether that which I am curious about is practical and supportive of life and practically achievable and if not, I investigate the particular thoughts/emotions/ feelings/memories/ projections that came up in relation to the particular scenario/lifestyle/scene so as to see where within myself I feel that I am 'missing' something and I align the point accordingly through writing, SF and self-correction.
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This blog-post is a continuation of:
Day 55: Today I Broke Up with my Ex
Day 56: Letting Go of an Old Flame
Day 57: Doubting Myself after a Decision
An additional point opened up in relation to why I had still a commitment living with myself of one day going back to an ex-boyfriend. Simply put: I believed I owed it to him.
As I described, our 'relationship' was turbulent and was an emotional rollercoaster. So - in many ways it was a very painful experience, both for myself as for him. It was so turbulent because from the beginning I had this certainty that the relationship would never work, because we were just too different and barely agreed on anything. Yet, the feelings and attraction were very strong and I just really wanted to live out a love-drama of TV-soup-kalibre. So, I kept on trying to convince myself that it maybe could work, trying to focus on the few things that we did agree on/that we did have in common - and in the meantime strolling him along, while he had a different outlook on the relationship, where he appeared quite certain of thinking that this was 'it'. And this underlying point of certainty that this relationship is not really what I want caused us to keep splitting up, while the attraction/feelings always brought us back together - which is what caused most of the emotional hurting.
And on some level I was aware of this, yet I kept continuing in the same cycle. And the guilt originating from this deliberateness is what strengthened the promise within myself to eventually go back to him - to try to make up for the pain that I caused during our on-and-off relationship period.
If I had not found Desteni and started my process and journey to life, I can see it very likely that I would have attempted to fulfill my promise and try to make it so I'd end up with him - trying to pay for my sins of the past by binding myself to him. It is quite a perturbing and shocking realisation for me that I would be willing to live my life in service of guilt - where I feel I have to 'pay my dues' - where, in essence, I give up myself entirely, allowing my life to end - to try to fulfill someone else's. And if I had done this and the certainty of knowing that this relationship is not what I wanted, I would have probably suppressed it and despite myself, forced myself to remain in the relationship - banning my self-honesty and my integrity to the deepest corner of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stroll myself and J along in the illusion that maybe someday the relationship will work-out by trying to focus on the points that we agreed on/had in common and ignoring a strong
sense of certainty within myself that this relationship could never work, because we were too different and we wanted different things in life - yet, because my feelings/attraction to him were so strong as well as my desire to live out a rollercoaster love-drama, I did not make a clear decision within myself to stand by my self-honesty and not by fleeting/changing emotions and feelings, although I knew that this was the self-honest thing to do, both for myself as for J.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep feeding J's idea/perception/belief that maybe we were 'meant to be together' by always coming back to him, while I, in all self-honesty, did not have the intention to stay with him and spend the rest of my life with him - and within that point, I knew that the relationship was not valid and my attempts to try and make it work were not valid and that the suffering that sprung from this back-and-forth shifting was unnecessary and couldn't be justified.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as self-certainty, but rather trust attraction, desire, feelings and the idea of eternal/true love.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise both myself and J through not trusting myself - but thinking/believing that if I act in the same way as characters in movies do - by simply following 'their heart'/the feeling of love - I would eventually get a happy ending.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe what is portrayed in movies, that if one simply follows one's heart, that then one will be happy, make the right decisions, have no regrets in life and fulfil oneself - and thus, rather trust movies than trusting myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my life-decisions on what movies/TV have taught me in terms of how I should live my life and what the best way is to true and complete happiness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue the same cycle, always conning myself in the same points, even though I was aware that my indecision and my self-manipulation was causing the pain within myself as well as J - and thus, knowing that if I simply put an end to the relationship and communicate clearly that this will never happen or work, that I could have saved myself and him a lot of unnecessary hurt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the guilt of knowing that I was deliberate in not doing what I saw had to be done, but rather follow my fears, desires and feelings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way I could make the guilt go away is if I try to make it up to him, try to stop his pain once and for all by giving him what he wants - a long-standing relationship - and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that even within the decision to try to make things up to J, I am still doing it from a starting point of self-interest, because all I really want is for my guilt to go away.
To be continued.
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This blog-post is a continuation to Day 55: Letting Go of an Old Flame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I did something wrong in contacting J.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am kidding myself within making the decision to contact J like there is no way that this could be the point that was missing from my application.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about right and wrong in relation to the decision I made and action of contaction of contacting J to create a clear ending to the relationship - instead of realising that this is what I saw in the moment and if there are any points that I missed, then I will face the points as I am faced with the consequences - and within facing the consequences, I will take responsibility and learn from the mistake.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to test something unconditionally, but want to be sure/certain of the outcome beforehand.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself when assessing that there are no points I see I can address in writing and self-forgiveness at this stage and thus, that an action as communicating with J might be what is missing from my application as the one thing I have resisted doing from the start.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare this point of communication with J to the other moments in my process where I considered communicating with him, where the other times I realised the starting point was self-dishonest, and therefore assumed that this time it must be self-dishonest as well - immediately prefering to believe that I fucked up instead of giving myself the benefit of the doubt and simply see what happens/what points come up and work through them as they are revealed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am trying to 'fix' myself through someone else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am being self-dishonest and thus, fear my own self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my self-dishonest, and thus, fear myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to get to know myself in every possible detail and ensuring that what I get to know of myself is always aligned to oneness and equality as what is best for all - so that I can enjoy myself, trust myself and stand as myself absolutely - without having to constantly second-guess myself because of fearing that I have some secretly hidden agenda.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have blinded myself from my own self-dishonesties because of not wanting to face myself - resulting now in the constant experience of not being able to trust myself, because I am not aware of myself as the entirety of who I am and constantly fear that there is a self-interested motivation lurking behind my actions in the dark corners of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self-dishonesties.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and designed myself in such a way that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin - because I simply don't know who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear regretting my decision to contact/communicate with J.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that I made a mistake in contacting/communicating with J and project myself into the future experiencing the regret I would feel if I were to realise I had made a mistake - but because of the future projection, already bring the regret here, in this moment - and thus, 'confirming' within myself the idea that I did indeed make a mistake - because 'I am already regretting my decision'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'what if i did something wrong?'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to face possible consequential out-flows of my actions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for possible consequential out-flows and their origin-points.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that within communicating with J I was taking responsibiilty for a consequential outflow and its origin-point!
When and as I see myself doubting my actions, I stop, I breathe. I realise that I cannot know the outcome of my actions beforehand and that if my starting point was indeed not clear, then I will see it within the manifested consequences. And thus, I commit myself to unconditionally test things without the desire of having absolute certainty of the outcome before I have done it and I commit myself to accept that I will make mistakes and that when I see/realise that I have made a mistake, I can and will learn from them.
When and as I see myself thinking that I may have done something wrong, I stop, I breathe. I realise that I am accessing the morality and judgment character where I attempt to place my action in a box of either 'right' or 'wrong' - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the want/desire to judge my actions and simply see it for what it is - without trying/attempting to predict the future in terms of consequences I may be facing as a way of trying/attempting to prepare myself for facing a future consequence.
When and as I see myself regretting a decision I have made/action I have taken because I have doubts about whether or not the decision/action was self-honest - I stop, I breathe - I realise I am accessing the control character and am trying to make sure that I will have no unpleasant aftertaste of this decision - and that, I have really just projected myself into the future in playing out the worst case scenario and brought the expeirence of regret that I would experience in such a scenario here, and accepted it as being real. Therefore, I commit myself to let go of the experience of regret and don't allow myself to accept it as real/validate the experience of regret within myself - but instead stay in the moment and walk one breath at a time - without anticipating any future moment, but remaining in the present moment and 'concerning' myself only with what is here right now.
When and as I see myself fearing the future as facing consequences of self-dishonesties - I stop, I breathe. I realise that the manifestation of consequences is a necessary point within process as we do not know the entirety of ourselves and thus - within facing consequences we reveal a part of ourselves that was hidden before, allowing us to find all pieces of ourselves that we have hidden and separated ourselves from and aligning them to oneness and equality as what is best for all. And thus, I commit myself to let go of the fear of the future and the fear of facing consequences and accept that I am walking a process of learning, where I can only act within the information that is available to me in the present moment - and thus, I commit myself to stop expecting perfection of myself when I know that that is a premature demand at this stage in my process, as I am aware that there are still parts/aspects of myself that I have not yet explored/seen/aligned.
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This blog-post is a continuation of 'Day 55: Today I Broke Up with my Ex'.
So - as I wrote in my previous blog, this particular relationship I had written about extensively already. Yet - there was still a feeling within me of the story between me and this guy is not over. I'm aware that this relationship represents a backdoor for me in my process, where I can see that if I were looking for an 'out', I would somehow use this relationship as a way to go back to my 'old life'. This particular relationship was a very intense one - primarily because we didn't fit well with each other - we were like opposites, had complete different interests and outlooks on life, the world, what's important and what's not - yet there was this very strong attraction and connection between us.
Recently I found an old diary of mine and I read an entry about a moment where we were together and where he had said that clearly I cannot live without him and he cannot live without me, but for the moment we both have to go and do our own thing.
For most of 'our story' we weren't actually in a relationship together - we were only officially together for 2 months - but afterwards kept on coming back to each other and separating again. So - the relationship was not clearly defined and we didn't particularly direct it. Every time we tried, we stumbled into disagreements that had us go separate ways again, yet we couldn't stay apart from each other for very long either, continuously falling for each other again.
This entry I read about was the last conversation I remember us having about our relationship. And, in that moment that he had said that we should go our separate ways for now and come together again later (which is not what he explicitly said, but what was implied), I had, within myself, agreed with him - and so, in that moment it's like I made a promise to myself and to him to some day get back to him and 'continue our story'.
So, in essence we never really broke up - lol - we placed a '...' behind our story instead of a full stop - and that's exactly what I experienced the last few years - even if I hadn't seen or spoken to him for years. So - when I read that entry I realised that that moment/conversation was the origin-point of the entire experience, because there still existed a 'plan' within myself of going back to him.
Then I placed the question in front of me again: Do I want to go back to him at some point and be in a relationship with him - is that what I want to do with my life? And the answer was no. So - I did my writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements again to clear the point within myself.
A few days ago I realised that the point was not entirely cleared up. So, I looked at the point and decided to communicate this with him. Actually, when I had read the entry and realised this whole point, my first instinct was to communicate with him and make it clear that I am not going to come back to him. But, I figured that the point is about me, not him and that it was a matter of clearing it up within myself. And throughout my process I have had many moments where I contemplated speaking to him to clear up everything between us and create a 'proper' ending to the relationship. But every time I changed my mind and decided to just work on the points within myself. So - in noticing that the point was still not cleared up I looked at it again and realised that the one thing I haven't done yet is speak to him about it and so I decided to just do it.
He had been a part of that moment where I not only made a commitment to myself, but also towards him and so this particular point concerns him as well. And also - in case this point is also running within him and affecting his life, it could maybe assist him to move on as well. So, it's a matter of taking responsibility for the part I played within that moment of agreeing with him and not directing the relationship in clarity.
So - I wrote out the point to him and sent it to him yesterday. After I pressed 'send' I felt a huge relief within myself and I was completely empty and silent within myself.
After a few moments, though, I noticed an anxiety - and the point that's still not entirely clear within me is whether or not I 'should've' communicated it with him - because previously whenever I would want to communicate with him to direct a point, it was mostly a diversion to not actually deal with the point within myself - but to 'talk to him' as though that was going to magically release the point within me. So, this point I will write about in tomorrow's blog!
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I wanted to start writing a blog about a point that I've been struggling with ever since I started my process, which is a past relationship with an old boyfriend. I've written about the point countless times, each time opening up new dimensions of it. After a while I couldn't see any more points or at least points that I hadn't yet directed. And recently another of those points became clear - a point where I saw I needed to direct it. And so - that's the point I wanted to write about today. But then, I figured that writing about it was not what I had to do - I first had to direct it.
So - today's blog is really short as I ended up writing towards my ex instead of writing about the point in my blog. I'll lay everything in tomorrow's blog-post - so, watch this space!
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Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om te denken/voelen/geloven dat ik niet bekwaam ben om een buddy te zijn in DIP.
Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om bang te zijn dat mijn zogenaamde onbekwaamheid om een ander te ondersteunen en assiteren met een punt waar ze moeilijkheden mee hebben, omdat ik dacht/voelde/geloofde dat ik niet genoeg inzicht heb, dat ik niet genoeg ervaring heb of dat ik niet de nodige vaardigheden heb om een persoon echt te ondersteunen.
Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om mijzelf te onderschatten uit angst.
Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf niet heb toegestaan en aanvaard om mijzelf te vertrouwen in het zijn van een buddy en het ondersteunen van een ander in het geven van perspectief en advies/suggiesties dat ze kunnen toepassen in hun leven omdat ik mijzelf niet zie als wie ik ben, maar vasthoud aan een idee dat ik niet goed genoeg ben, dat ik niet effectief genoeg ben, dat ik niet genoeg inzicht heb, dat ik niet genoeg ervaring heb of dat ik niet de nodige vaardigheden heb.
Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf niet heb toegestaan en aanvaard om mijzelf te vertrouwen in het zijn van een buddy omdat ik op voorhand geen lijst van adviezen en suggesties heb klaarliggen om te kunnen copy/pasten wanneer het toepasselijk is.
Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om mijn zelf-vertrouwen te definieren in relatie tot hoeveel kennis en informatie ik bezit over een bepaald onderwerp en als ik geen reeks van feiten kan oproepen in mijzelf in relatie tot een bepaald onderwerp, dan denk/geloof/voel ik dat ik mijzelf niet kan vertrouwen.
Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf niet heb toegestaan en aanvaard om mijzelf te vertrouwen om in het moment te zijn, om in het moment te kunnen antwoorden op een vraag, om in het moment perspectief te geven, zonder dat ik mij daarvoor heb voorbereid door 'onderzoek' te doen of een lijst van antwoorden op voorhand samen te stellen of door antwoorden in te studeren.
Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf niet heb toegestaan en aanvaard om in te zien dat buddying te maken heeft met zichzelf in de schoenen van een ander te stellen en dan uit te drukken wat ik zou doen in de plaats/situatie van de ander.
Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard om mijzelf te kort te schieten door mijzelf geen krediet te geven voor wat ik gedaan heb, voor de veranderingen en correcties die ik heb geimplimenteerd/toegepast in mijn leven/mijzelf/mijn proces.
Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf niet heb toegestaan en aanvaard om in te zien dat het ergste dat kan gebeuren wanneer ik buddy is dat een persoon om perspectief vraagt op een punt dat ik zelf nog niet heb gelopen, waarbij ik mijzelf nog niet in diezelfde situatie heb ondervonden of waarbij ik de oplossing ertoe nog niet heb gezien - en dus dat ik in die gevallen er gewoon iemand anders kan bijhalen om perspectief te vragen en dat het niet betekent dat ik nu vastzit of dat ik geen buddy kan zijn of dat ik gefaald heb als buddy of dat ik een ander's proces ga ondermijnen/compromiteren.
Als en wanneer ik zie dat ik denk/voel/geloof dat ik niet genoeg kennis en informatie heb over een bepaald onderwerp om mij hierin mee bezig te houden, of mij ergens in verband met dat onderwerp aan te verbinden - dan stop ik, dan adem ik. Ik realiseer mij dat ik niet per se kennis en informatie nodig heb, maar dat ik gewoon mijn gezond verstand kan gebruiken - en dus verbind ik mij ertoe om te ademen, door de angst en onzekerheid heen te lopen, mijzelf krediet te geven en in het moment te zien wat kan gedaan worden zonder door een hele voorbereidingsfase te gaan.
Als en wanneer ik zie dat ik op een bepaalde vraag geen perspectief kan bieden en ik in een staat van angst/zenuwachtigheid/onzekerheid stap - dan stop ik, dan adem ik - ik realiseer mij dat het feit dat ik geen perspectief te bieden heb niet betekent dat ik een onbekwame buddy ben, maar slechts dat ik mijzelf nog niet in diezelfde situatie bevonden heb of dat ik de oplossing ertoe nog niet heb gezien/gelopen - en dus, ik verbind mijzelf om in dat moment los te laten van de angst/onzekerheid/zenuwachtigheid en gewoon te communiceren met de ander dat ik op die vraag geen perspectief kan bieden en ik vraag een ander wat hij/zij als advies of perspectief zou geven.
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Iets wat ik vaak ervaren heb is dat ik mijzelf heb verrast in mijn capaciteit om een ander te ondersteunen in zijn/haar proces. Bijvoorbeeld in het zijn van een buddy in DIP heb ik vaak het idee en het gevoel gehad dat ik net bekwaam ben om iemand te assisteren of ondersteunen met een bepaald punt waar ze moeilijkheden mee hebben.
Het is alsof ik een 'gewicht' op mijn schouders voelde want ik was bang dat mijn onbekwaamheid de ander zou compromitteren in zijn/haar proces want ik had dit gevoel dat ik niet genoeg inzicht had, dat ik niet genoeg ervaring had of dat ik niet de nodige vaardigheden had om een persoon echt te ondersteunen.
Maar wanneer ik in zulke momenten een diepe adem nam en doorheen de angst liep, stond ik vaak verrast met mijzelf in mijn capaciteit om iemand te ondersteunen - want, in het moment waarop iemand een bepaald punt met me wil bespreken, heb ik meestal wel een advies of perspectief te bieden dat de andere persoon inzicht geeft in zichzelf of zijn/haar leven. En dit zijn vaak adviezen en perspectieven waarvan ik niet eens wist dat ik ze had/dat ik erop zou kunnen komen, maar die in het moment gewoon duidelijk worden.
Dus het zijn van een buddy heeft me heel erg geassisteerd in het ontwikkelen van zelf-vertrouwen - en dat, als ik gewoon loslaat van mijn ideeen over mijzelf, dat ik mijzelf kan bewijzen dat ik meer ben dan wie ik dacht dat ik was.
We hebben vaak de neiging om onszelf te kort te schieten, waarbij we onszelf onderschatten omdat we op voorhand niet weten wat we zullen zeggen of op voorhand geen lijst van adviezen hebben klaarliggen om te kunnen copy/pasten wanneer het toepasselijk is. Wanneer we iemand ondersteunen kunnen we niet op kennis en informatie rekenen, het gaat erom dat we onszelf in de schoenen van een ander zetten en dan uitdrukken wat we zouden doen in hun plaats/situatie - en hierin heb ik ondervonden dat ik al meer gelopen heb in mijn proces dan waar ik mij bewust van was, want de suggesties die ik geef zijn suggesties die ik zelf al heb toegepast/geimplementeerd in mijzelf/mijn leven/mijn proces.
En zo, stilletjesaan, elke keer ik mijzelf verraste, werd het duidelijker dat ik mijzelf slechts aan het onderschatten was en dat ik mijzelf meer krediet moet geven.
En in elk geval - wat is het ergste dat kan gebeuren? Dat is dat een persoon perspectief vraagt op een punt dat ik zelf nog niet gelopen heb, waarbij ik heb mijzelf nog niet in die situatie ondervonden of ik heb de oplossing ertoe nog niet gezien. Maar dan is het slechts een kwestie van er iemand anders bij te halen en iemand anders om perspectief te vragen. En dat is dat, lol.
Dus, als je jezelf aanvankelijk niet vertrouwt als buddy - en gelooft/voelt/denkt dat je te veel hooi op je vork hebt genomen - geef het wat tijd. Als er iets is waarbij je niet zeker bent of waar je niet weet wat te zeggen - vraag iemand anders hoe zij zouden antwoorden/welke suggesties ze zouden geven. En onthoud dat je vooraf de antwoorden niet hebt - blijf in het moment, blijf in je adem - en sta jezelf toe om jezelf in de andere persoon z'n schoenen te zetten en te delen hoe jij de situatie/jezelf zou aanpakken/richting geven.
Wordt vervolgd.
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