Leila had been pregnant for almost 9 months before Cesar was born, but my mind had not been able to 'conceptualize' what was happening or what was about to happen, that a baby would join us on the farm. Whenever I had attempted to imagine what it would be like to have Cesar on the farm before he was born, my mind would just go blank. We could read up on babies, what babies do and what they go through - but it doesn't really prepare you for the actuality of a baby being here with you. So, when Cesar was born and I met him, he was sleeping. And that's all it was - he was here now - and that's that.

Back home I was a bit reluctant to for instance hold Cesar, so I was quite reserved and rather observed what Leila and Gian did. The fear existed of having this innocent, physical child and somehow influencing him, by somehow not being clear in one's starting point or having some program or system running that one is not aware of and that Cesar would pick up on, on a resonant/physical or energetic level. At the same time there was an uncomfortability due to 'not knowing' how to hold a baby - where initially one does everything in slow-motion to be extra aware of where each hand is and where he is supported and where not - and with every grunt/sound/face Cesar made, exchanging glances with Leila/Gian so as to ask 'is this okay? am I doing something wrong that he is reacting to?' - lol. Sunette assisted a lot with giving suggestions on how to be around Cesar - to ensure that one is in one's own physical body - breathing - physically anchored - and to speak with low voices - not soft, but low, grounded. The second time I held Cesar, he was sleeping and I was sitting in Leila's rocking chair. While holding him I focused on my breath - clearing any tensions until I was present as myself in every part of my body. At that moment, it was as though Cesar and my body 'melted together' - there was no more separation - we were both here in the physical, equal and one.

I'll continue sharing more of my experiences with Cesar in this blog in the time to come - enjoy! Learn more »

I am here starting to walk a series as I go through the episodes of Parenthood wherein I'll work my way through various aspects of parenthood where throughout generations parents have tended to behave in similar ways in certain situations - and so, taking the opportunity to release pre-conceived ideas and copied-over behaviors about parenting/parenthood and considering what would be a best-for-all approach in such a situation. So - note that these are not situations that I am faced with in my life currently, but am taking responsibility for within seeing that: it could've been me. Herein - I invite everyone to share your own perspectives in the comment section - other points you may have observed or other possible solutions!

In the first Episode of Season one of the series Parenthood, Krstina and Adam get to hear that their son, Max, might have Asperger syndrome - both use the words 'there is something wrong with my baby/son' to describe the situation. This is one of the big fears parents have - that their child will be different, that it will be abnormal, that it will be disadvantaged, that it will be dysfunctional - and where this is then labeled as 'wrong'. There are a few aspects to this point.

1. Fear/belief that there must be something wrong with the parents themselves for having a child that is abnormal - and then the ensuing guilt about it.
2. Fear that the child will have a difficult and unfulfilling life - where the parents then feel bad for the child because it's not what they would've wanted for the child.
3. Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.
4. Fear of how the parents' lives will change and how much they will have to sacrifice for the child - emotionally, financially and practically.

In the previous blog-post I opened up points 1 and 2 in Self-Forgiveness. Here I continue with point 3:

3. Disappointment about how the child didn't turn out how they had expected and that it will not fulfill their desire of a perfect happy family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed in seeing that my child is not/will not be what I had expected my child will be/become - and so, to also become angry within myself, because I had invested myself within having a family and having children with the prospect of having a particular outcome as a happy family, with lovely children who are successful and unique - and now it doesn't turn out to be like that and now it feels like it's not fair, because I want a reward for all my hard work and investments and sacrifices and now they don't 'pay off' in terms of giving me what I wanted to get as a result.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a family and to have children so that I can experience myself in a perfect happy family, because I feel that I never experienced that in my life because my family was never a perfect happy family as portrayed in movies or what I would see in a friend's house - and so i felt 'robbed' of that experience as something I was entitled to and now I want to manifest such an experience within my life by being a parent in such a family set-up in an attempt to make up for my experience as a child - not realizing that this is impossible, as the past has already happened and there is no way of undoing it and that it is instead a matter of letting go of ideas about injustice being done unto me and letting go of a state of self-victimization in relation to the family I grew up in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a feeling of injustice, of being wronged because I didn't 'get to' experience family-life as is portrayed in books and families, and so believed that there was something wrong with me and my life, that there was something missing because of this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that such perfect families actually exist, instead of seeing and realizing that harmonious families of support, consideration and respect cannot exist unless each member of the family supports, considers and respects themselves firstly - and so, that families as portrayed in movies/books are in no way an indication that such families actually exist and that the brief moments I would spend in other families are likewise not an indication of what the family is like, because so much happens under the surface that is hidden from sight that no-one actually knows what happens in the homes of others and on what level abuse takes place.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that that which I looked for as love, respect, support and consideration in a family, is actually what I required to learn to give myself - and so, that I in fact separated me from myself and me from my family members through defining love, respect, support and consideration as an expectation within them - as though they are supposed to provide me with it and give it to me - and so, that the lack I experienced had in fact nothing to do with my family set-up or family members but with myself and only with myself - and so, I allow myself to be grateful for the family I grew up in as it enabled me to see what I was not giving to myself and from there, could develop my relationship with myself to be self-loving, self-respecting, self-supporting and self-considering.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a feeling and state of self-victimization in relation to the family I grew up in, where I am in fact holding on to blame towards my family set-up/family members in how I experienced myself in my childhood and throughout the rest of my life, where I used my family as an excuse for all my 'weaknesses' - and so, in fact holding on to the past and a state of self-victimization because of not wanting to let go of the excuses as to why i was not supporting myself, why i was not pushing myself to correct my own mistakes, why I was not attempting to better myself, why i was allowing myself to repeat the same patterns over and over, etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my starting point for starting a family to be in the past - not realizing that when my starting point to create something is in the past, I am not in fact creating, but I am only ensuring that the past repeats - because if my starting point is in the past, then it means that I have unresolved issues towards my past - and therefore, i cannot create anything original/new until i have faced my past through walking it again - until who I am is no longer defined by my past, and so i can in fact create as here, equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - in noticing that my child is different from what I had expected my child to be/become - immediately blame the child for not fulfilling my desires of a perfect happy family - again utilizing blame as an excuse to place myself in an inferior position, where I am now again apparently the victim of another imposing difficult family situations unto me - instead of realizing that my child is a direct consequence of my acceptances and allowances, and therefore - is specific in relation to my process - and therefore, to immediately investigate how I have created my child as how my child is and to take responsibility for myself within this creational process - actually facing myself within my child, instead of blaming my child for an experience I am not getting.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that this process is not about getting to experience the perfect life - where we now apparently get a chance at everything we missed out on - but that it is in fact about facing ourselves in every gory detail - and therefore, any happy-go-lucky situation of bliss will indicate deception as it would merely be a hiding place to not take responsibility for oneself and for this world as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a picture of the perfect happy family with a father and a mother and two children and a dog and a soccer ball, all smiling in the picture - as though this picture is a promise to myself of something i will attain as a goal in my life if only I push through on the plan of starting a family - and that if I but suck up and get pregnancy and child-birth over with - then that will be the reward and I will live as a character in the picture and apparently my life will be perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define family within and as a picture of a smiling mother, father, twho children, dog and soccer ball, where the parents look relaxed and the chidlren look happy and worry-free.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define life as a picture of a family with mother and father smiling with relaxed and confident faces, and two beautiful, happy children with no worry in the world, and a dog and a soccer ball, posing together on the front lawn in front of their house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a character of a mother within a picture, where I am smiling and standing next to a husband as a father who Is also smiling and relaxed and confident and two children with happy faces, worry-free in front of the father and the mother and a dog and a soccer ball posing on a lawn in front of the house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize that reality has nothing to do with pictures and will never have anything to do with pictures, where when one defines something as how it is portrayed in a picture, one will always be disappointed by the reality of it - but when one truly expresses oneself within something and then sees a picture of it - one will see that the picture is a complete limitation and in no way captures the actual living expression of the beings participating within that event in time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have given credibility, value and worth to pictures by continuously selecting the pictures to which i would have a positive reaction to and mapping them out in a timeline for myself in my mind, where at a certain point in my life, I would each time have a pictures to 'look forward to' and try to fulfill - until I get at that point and the reality doesn't match the pictures - and happiness is not found - and then I would focus on the next picture on the timelines, working towards the next portrayal of happiness - repeating the same pattern over and over, regardless of the never-changing result: that reality is not a picture and one's experience in reality is not one's experience in relation to a picture, and therefore, that pictures have absolutely no use in terms of predicting the future or representing anything that is lived - and so, i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of unconditional trust towards pictures, where no matter what the reality-based feedback was, I would continue to maintain this relationship and try to find new pictures to live out. Learn more »

My name is Maite Zamora Moreno. I was born in Mechelen, Belgium on the 6th of March 1988.

I started researching Desteni in the week of October, 13th 2007 and joined the Forum on October 29th 2007. I did not immediately start applying the suggested Desteni tools as I experienced some fear about the 'good intentions' of Desteni. My brother suggested to just try it and I considered that: what could possibly go wrong or be harmful about forgiving myself? So - I pushed through the initial resistance and started applying the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application - which I haven't stopped using to this day.

Herein - I can attest to the fact that
- The tools of Writing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective application, when consistently applied in Self-Honesty, are tools of self-support that enable a person to break through, stop, resolve and correct self-imposed limitations, habitual patterns, reactive behavior, internal conflict, learning disabilities, brainwashing, abusive thoughts, emotions, feelings and actions.
- The tools of Writing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective application do not create harmful consequences.
- It was my personal decision to start this process in utilizing the Desteni tools, publish my writings and videos on blogs/vlogs and on forums - and that I was in no way coerced, manipulated or forced to do so.
- I was not asked for any donations or payments, nor did I make any, while having complete access to all articles and videos published at that time as well as receiving personal support on the forum.

In August 2008 I visited the Desteni Farm together with my sister for a period of 2 months. Here I was welcomed in their home and able to see how the Desteni Farm residents practically live together and walk their process. For the first week of my visit I did not speak with Sunette Spies as she had not been in her body during that time and had not been in her body for two weeks before. During this this week, I had many conversations with interdimensional beings and witnessed that there was no energy fluctuation whatsoever, where Sunette Spies did not require to enter back into her body after a specified period of time to stabilize it. Portalling was consistent and could be done at any time through one simple breath, without any rituals or preparations. I was present during portal-interviews and witnessed Sunette Spies leaving her body while another being would enter and speak in the moment.

Herein, I can attest to the fact that:
- Portal interviews were done in the moment without memorizing or preparing what would be spoken and that there were no cue-cards in the room off which the beings would read.
- Portalling is consistent and can be done for any duration of time, at any time.
- Desteni farm residents do not follow or participate in any rituals.
- Desteni farm residents do not lead excessive or inappropriate lifestyles.
- Bernard Poolman does not coerce, manipulate or force other residents, permanent or temporary, to do his bidding.
- There is no drug abuse or alcohol consumption on the Desteni farm.
- I was not asked to do anything against my will or consent.
- Visitors are not forced to stay and can leave when it suits them, where I witnessed several visitors change their departure date.
- I was not asked to believe anything I was told, but to test all the information for myself.
- I was never scolded, harmed or punished for any action, but instead always supported to find practical solutions. Learn more »

In the picture above I have laid out how I have been living the word 'good' as how I have defined the word within and through my Mind. In the following blog-posts I will be deconstructing the word 'Good' as how I had defined it with self-forgiveness, to then redefine it in alignment to Oneness and Equality.

Part 1: Self-Forgiveness on Positive Charge attached to the word ‘Good’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a positive energetic charge to the word ‘good’ within and as myself and my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘good’ within and as a positive energetic feeling of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the essence of the meaning of the word ‘Good’ lies within/can be found within the positiveenergetic feeling of mind that I had attached to the word ‘Good’ – instead of realising that it is I who has attached a positive energetic feeling to the word ‘good’ myself and thus that this feeling/charge cannot bear meaning on the word itself as the word was here before I attached this charge to it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as though I am committing sacrilege by removing the positive charge from the word ‘good’ – believing that the connection between the word and the feeling has to be and is supposed to be and that there will be unpleasant consequences if I try to make such a change in my vocabulary – as though it is a crime punishable by God.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define positive feeling energy as a feeling endowed by God himself where if I remove this energy, I am defying God and therefore, fear that God will punish me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘good’ within and as a religious construct of mind, in relation to the word and concept of a ‘God’ that is almighty and is the final judge in terms of goodness and badness and has as such the power and right to, within judgment, condemn one to heaven or hell.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear God and to fear that God will judge me as bad and herein condemn me to hell as eternal suffering, disgrace and dishonour.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in order to be honourable I must honour the word of God.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a ‘God’ to exist within and as me that has more power than me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that there is no God existing within and as me and that the only one judging me is myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that the only director and creator of my world is me and not some separate entity that exists as an idea in the minds of men as an all-powerful being that controls, directs and creates the world in its entirety where we are but pawns in his big plan.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in terms of ‘goodness’ and ‘badness’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be judged/judge myself as ‘good’ and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be judged/judge myself as ‘bad’.

To be continued...

Learn more »

When sitting down with yourself and wanting to write to assist and support yourself, it sometimes happens that suddenly the mind starts throwing up all kinds of thoughts, emotions, feelings, memories, pictures and one starts feeling overwhelmed as though facing a storm, a tsunami of mind-crap. From my experience this usually happens when I have already been postponing to write for some time, where, instead of writing on a daily basis and working through the reactions and experiences that came up throughout that day, I’ve been accumulating everything inside myself for days – and then when I take a moment to sit with myself, it is like everything comes up all at once and I can’t see the beginning or the end of it.

In those moments it is easy to feel so overwhelmed by the mind that one just gives up and gives in to the mind, and instead of facing the Tsunami and working through it – to just stop right there, lock everything back inside and continue to ignore it. Obviously, the only thing that will happen then is that the inner Tsunami will only grow bigger and bigger and the harder it will become to eventually work through the points.

What I have done in those moments – where I see my mind is so active and so many experiences and points come up all at once and I can’t seem to be able to write about anything as the whole experience just seems too vast – is the following:

Before I write I just sit with myself and I breathe – 4 counts in, 4 counts hold, 4 counts out, 4 counts hold – this assists in slowing myself down and if you apply this breathing technique yourself, you’ll find that the Tsunami inside will slow down to a little stream. Then, I try to identify one point in the stream – just one – it doesn’t matter what it is, it doesn’t matter if it seems like a ‘beginning’ or not – it can be a random memory, it can be a picture, it can be a word, it can be a feeling or an emotion, or a thought – just identify one point of the stream. Once I’ve done that, I apply self-forgiveness on that one point – spoken, out loud – until I see that I don’t experience any more reactions towards this one point and it stands clear inside myself. Then I go back to the stream and identify the next point – again, applying self-forgiveness spoken out loud – until the point is clear.

When applying self-forgiveness on a point that you’ve identified of the stream it is important to stick to your self-forgiveness application and not allow the mind to start engaging with what you’re doing, where you start analysing the point and start thinking about it or thinking about whether your self-forgiveness application is effective. If you notice such mind-activity – just forgive it as well. Then go back to the point you were applying self-forgiveness on and continue with it until the point stands clear within self.

When the mind is so active within self that you experience a Tsunami and we work through it with first breathing it down to a stream and then working through each point in spoken self-forgiveness, don’t worry about trying to make sense of the experience or trying to see the beginning and the end of the constructs – just stick to applying self-forgiveness and allow the self-forgiveness to flow – because when the mind is so active you’ll find that it is hard to really take on a construct and investigate it in writing as the mind will keep on interfering and try to ‘pull you off course’ so to speak – where eventually the writing will be done from a mind-starting point in terms of trying to ‘make sense’ of an experience, where you’ll try to force understanding and insights by in essence, making something up, instead of allowing self to see direct what happened. This direct seeing of how something exists within and as self can be done through writing only when one is silent and able to focus on just self here with the one point in front of self – not when the mind is racing like a Tsunami and one tries to steer a course in de midst of it. So – before writing, one has to take on the Tsunami head on through first doing the 4-count-breath application where slowly but surely the Tsunami will not appear so overwhelming, but will slow down  to a ‘manageable’ stream. From there, we identify one point of the stream and apply self-forgiveness until that one point stands clear within and as self. Then we identify another point and continue with this self-forgiveness application until everything in and of self is dark and silent. In this darkness and in this silence, self is ready to write about a point self experienced throughout the day and open it up in self-intimacy where self will see what self did and how the point exists within and as self.

As one speaks self-forgiveness out-loud, again, don’t think of what self-forgiveness statement to speak next. Once you’ve identified one point, you hold it within self and you’ll be able to feel physical reactions within the body. Zoom in to those physical experiences and see what they are showing you in terms of your reactions and your relationship towards the point you’re working with. How to do this is by placing/translating the physical experiences into words and then apply self-forgiveness from there. For instance – if the point you’ve identified of the stream is the word ‘friends’ – and when you hold that word within and as the totality of you and breathe, you find that your chest starts tightening, for instance. Then you zoom in/focus on that physical experience of the tightening of the chest and see how you can place it into words. For instance, when looking at the experience of the tightening of the chest, you feel that it is constricting you. Then from there, you apply self-forgiveness on how you’ve accepted and allowed yourself to constrict yourself and your expression in the presence of friends and/or how you’ve constricted yourself in who you are and how you present yourself so as to be able to please your friends and fit in. For instance:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constrict myself when I am in the presence of my friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I am in the presence of my friends, present myself as someone I am not in order to please my friends and fit in with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself and my expression by only allowing myself to express myself in such a way that my friends will approve of so that I can be accepted and validated by them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself in and as the belief that I need and require others to accept and validate me – instead of realising and accepting that I have to validate myself, I have to accept myself – and realising and accepting that I can validate myself and i can accept myself.

If you then feel the tightening in your chest loosening up, you can make self-corrective statements. For instance:

I realise and accept that it is for me to validate myself and for me to accept myself. When and as I see myself looking for acceptance and validation from my friends by presenting and expressing myself as someone I’m not – I stop, I breathe – I embrace myself inside myself and allow myself to express myself as me in self-comfortability without worrying about what my friends will think, I share myself with my friends as who I truly am.

Then you check if there is any other points related to the word ‘friends’ within and as self – by again holding the word within and as the totality of you and seeing if there are any reactions. It might be that you feel a pressure in your solar plexus, for instance – then you know that there is more in relation to the word ‘friends’ that requires to be forgiven and released before moving on to the next point. So, you apply the same technique of zooming in to the pressure and seeing how to place the experience into words. When zooming in on the pressure in the solar plexus, you may find that you experience a mix of anxiety and sadness – then you apply self-forgiveness on the experiences of anxiety and sadness in relation to friends – until the pressure in the solar plexus released. Then you make self-corrective statements. And so you continue with the point of ‘friends’ until you can hold it within and as the totality of you and there are no reactions to the word. Then you let it go and have a look at the stream again. You’ll see that as you work with one point of the ‘stream’, the ‘stream’ itself kind of moves to the background so that you can focus on this one point. Then when this one point is cleared up, you bring the stream back to the foreground to identify another point to work with.

And so you continue, until you’ve cleared up all points in/of the stream and everything is dark and silent within and as self – no movements, no reactions, no uncomfortabilities – just self, here, breathing. From here, one can then write about a point one experienced throughout the day, or a particular memory one has been wanting to investigate, etc. Where self will then be able to just write and in the writing, see what happened. And within the writing as well, one can use the body as a guide, where – if one starts feeling a physical uncomfortability as one is writing, stop for a moment and have a look at where you’re leaving points out or misrepresenting some information or not being entirely honest with yourself.

So – this is an overview as a suggestion of how to work and walk through the Tsunami of the mind before being able to write with, for and as self. To re-cap:

1. Apply the 4-count-breath technique until the Tsunami slows down to a stream

2. Identify one point, any point of the stream

3. Apply self-forgiveness on the identified point

4. If you find the mind trying to engage with thoughts, etc. – forgive those thoughts as well

5. If you find you’re having difficulty within your self-forgiveness application, where you start thinking about how to phrase your next self-forgiveness sentence – hold the point you’re working with in and as the totality of you and breathe . See what physical reactions/uncomfortabilities you can feel. Zoom into the physical uncomfortability and place it in words. Apply self-forgiveness from there. When the physical uncomfortability clears up, make self-corrective statements. Continue to do this with all points of physical uncomfortability until the point stands clear within and as self.

6. Bring ‘the stream’ back to the foreground and repeat steps 2 to 5 until the everything in and as self is dark and silent

7. Write.

If you have any questions or feedback, please leave a comment! Learn more »