When and as I see myself thinking and believing that women who don't enjoy pregnancy are bad mothers - I stop, I breathe - I realise that this is an opinion that I have copied from my mother from a memory wherein she judged my French teacher as a moron/dumbass when she'd said that she hated pregnancy - and where I thought that my mom is probably right - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the opinion that serves no practical purpose than to elevate myself through ego.
When and as I see myself assuming that I know what pregnancy and motherhood is like - I stop, I breathe - I realise that my knowledge is just made up of opinions, beliefs, pictures, thoughts, impressions, interpretations, projections, etc.that have no foundation within actual living, actual reality and actual experience, which I have created into apparent 'knowledge' of what pregnancy and moterhood are like as a means to convince myself that I should do it as well as an attempt to prepare myself for it - and thus, I commit myself to let go of this unfounded knowledge and to gain some practical perspective by consideration the practical implications of motherhood and pregnancy and what it physically implies.
When and as I see myself imagining myself holding a baby that is sleeping or playing with a child in a park - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am defining the entire motherhood experience within but a few moments as though motherhood exclusively consists of such moments of enjoyment, where I am deliberately deluding myself by looking at motherhood through pink glasses - beause I want to be able to believe that motherhood will bring about this point of completion and fulfillment that I have been longing for - and thus, I commit myself to fulfill and complete myself within this very moment through breathing in all that exists and bringing it here as myself - as well as, I remind myself of the poo-factor and the screaming and the crying and the tiredness of which I have actual real experience - to pop myself out of my mind-bubble and get real.
When and as I see myself reaching to memories to define who I am - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I cannot take memories at face value, since firstly, I will twist and distort memories in my mind and secondly, I require to actually investigate who I was within the moment of the memory to assess whether this memory is in any way useful - and thus, I commit myself to take a closer look at who I was within the memory to assess the relevancy of the memory in terms of whether or not it can assist me within the present moment and simply stop defining myself according to the memory, as the memory can never dictate who I am within the present moment, but can only provide information about the past - and thus, I embrace who I am within the very simplicity of being here in breath.
When and as I see myself attaching a particular value to a certain experience where I interpret the experience as a sign of God or the Universe trying to tell me that I should make a certain commitment, decision or take a particular direction - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am elevating a self-created mind-experience to the status of God - and thus, seperating me from myself to the ultimate extent - and where I completely abdicate all self-responsibility within the commitment, decision or direction, because - apparently, I was being led on by something or someone else, while all the while I was the initiator and creator of my own experience - and thus, I commit myself to investigate the origin of the experience to understand why I created it and to realise that it is nothing special or more than me, to from there, be able to align myself according to the particular realisations that open up from the investigation - and I commit myself to consider all points within the commitment, decision or 'choice' of direction before me so that the point is acted upon from the principle of What is Best for All and is not simply based on an energetic experience that won't even last.
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This Blog-post is a continuation to Day 81: What to Expect when You're Expecting
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always romanticise what it would be like to have a child, where within considering what it would be like to have a child, I only ever picture the 'happy' moments of holding a baby sleeping or playing with a child in a park - everything that seems to be fun about having children - and deliberately ignoring all the difficult points in terms of having to take care of a child 24/7, where the child becomes the number one priority of my life and I have barely any time left to do what I'd like to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define pregnancy as a 'deep' spiritual/highly meaningful experience of bliss, where mothers just experience 'love' and intimacy with the unborn child, without ever wondering what the actual, physical, experience is of having a child, which, basically, involves the wrecking of the female body as a parasite grows inside the womb.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an opinion of what pregnancy should be like and how I should feel about pregnancy and how I should experience it, based on a memory where I told my mother about my French teacher who said that she hated being pregnant and that she never wants to go through it again - to which my mother said 'wat e kieke', which is, loosely-translated from Dutch: 'what a moron' - where, I then created the idea/perception/belief that pregnancy is something you SHOULD enjoy as a mother and that it is unacceptable to acknowledge any unpleasant experiences within it - thinking/believing that that would make me a bad mother.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that mothers should only ever love their child and experience love towards their child - and that anything else indicates that the woman is a bad mother.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever really place myself in the shoes of a mother and looking at what is practically involved in pregnancy and motherhood - and what challenges are involved on both a mental and physical level - as all one's energy and focus is now placed on another being - which is something entirely different from how people generally live their lives, where they only ever take themselves into consideration - and thus, that it is quite a challenge to be a mother in this world, and that it can therefore obviously not just be a blissful experience filled with only an experience of 'love'.
Self-Forgiveness to be continued.
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After listening to the Interview 'A Mother's Love of Guilt' - I realised that I have always romanticised what it would be like to have a child. You always picture those moments of holding a baby sleeping or playing with a child in the park and things like that - you know, the nice stuff. I also recently saw the movie 'What to Expect when You're Expecting' where this one lady was really eager to get pregnant and she was expecting to experience this state of 'bliss' in terms of having this profound connection with the baby and this whole lovey-dovey experience in relation to carrying a child. But then once she gets pregnant, the bliss is nowhere to be found and all there is is physical pain, tiredness, uncomfortableness, emotional turmoil, weird cravings, mood swings, uncontrollable peeing, and so the list goes on.
So - what our expectations are as what we project of pregnancy and motherhood have no connection in any way whatsoever to the reality of living and walking these points in the physical.
It's fascinating - because I've spent time with cihldren for long periods, like on camps, where I'd be responsible for entertaining a group of teenagers for ten days. Or, during the summer working at a daycare, where me and 4 others would be in charge of 30 to 40 toddlers each day. And sure - there was moments where I'd have so much fun with them and absolutely enjoyed their expressions and way of looking at things - but at the end of the day, I was just so fricking glad that I could send them back to their parents, because I was utterly and totally exhausted. So - I've had this practical experience of what it's like to spend a whole day or several days with a child, continuously having to place the child as the number one priority and where I basically have no time for myself, except after the children's bedtime - and yet, my ideas and projections of me having a child of my own don't consider these experiences in any way whatsoever.
I mean, I've even raised baby-chicks in my house - which is this tinly little being that you have to look after all the time. And if you for a moment don't give it the required attention by not feeding it in time or not letting it fall asleep under your shirt, it tweets so loud and continuously that your brain tries to flee from your head. And once they get older and start to want to wander around by themselves, I waddled around after them to clean up their poop from the floor. And when they still got older, I made them diapers, because their shits were now getting so big and frequent that I couldn't keep up. And so, then I was changing diapers every day - which was so not a pleasant experience - I mean, chicken-poo really stinks and I can imagine that baby-poop stinks a thousand times more. AND STILL - when I try to picture what it would be like to have a child, I focus only on that which I think I would enjoy - completely forgetting about the poo-factor and the fact that a baby-human can't walk by itself for a really long time, where you have to carry it around all the time. I mean, what's the deal with that anyways - even a chick can walk after day one!
Anyways... the point is that I'm deliberately ignoring the fact that having a child means to be responsible for the life and well-being of a completely helpless creature. Without me doing my part of taking care of the child 24/7 - the child dies - simple. If ever I thought choice existed - that perception would be completely annihilated when faced with a having a baby.
I don't want to spoil it for you by giving the details - you should really listen to it yourself - but the interview 'A Mother's Love of Guilt' explains very clearly how and why it is that our projections of what we think it will be like to have a child/be a mother never ever matches the actual reality of it. It also explains why mothers often have 'bad'/negative thoughts about their children of wondering if they didn't make a mistake in having a child, or wishing they'd never had kids or thinking they wasted their life in having a child. Obviously, this is a topic no-one speaks about, because the mother doesn't want to be judged as being a bad person or a bad mother. But, I mean - every mother has these thoughts - and it's not that it's a bad thing - but the thing is that mothers don't understand why these thoughts come up - and in listening to this interview, you'll get a clear explanation, which will allow you to understand these experiences and be able to direct them more effectively. So, if you're a mother and you can relate to these experiences - then listening to this interview is a MUST. If you're a mother and you're reading this and you're kind of feeling offended and thinking "no ways - I would never think that - these are lies" - then, by all means, leave this page and move on. Only those mothers who are honest with themselves about their experiences will be able to change them in any case.
To be continued.
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to lead a ‘normal’ ordinary life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire to lead a normal ordinary life to exist as a backdoor within me to not complete my process, but walk away from any responsibilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to walk away from responsibilities, because I 
believe that having responsibilities makes my life hard and difficult.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that responsibilities in and of themselves are not hard and difficult, it is only the resistance of taking responsibility and the fear of not being effective within my responsibilities that create the perception that the responsibilities within and of themselves are hard and difficult.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ineffective within my responsibilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to fail within my responsibilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect leading an ordinary life to a life without stress, expectations or responsibilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that beings leading a ‘standard’ life in terms of job, partner, kids don’t experience stress, don’t have to deal with expectations and don’t feel burdened with responsibilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire to live an ordinary life to exist as a temptation in the back of my mind, as a voice saying: ‘you don’t have to do this, you know, you could just do what eeeeeverybody else does: just sit back and enjoy the ride!’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is easier to live life with my mind being in control.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to abdicate any responsibility towards life, to my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is hard to direct myself and apply myself consistently within the process of stopping the mind and creating and designing myself to be and become a living expression that is actually worthwhile living.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – when I think of just giving it all up and going to lead an ‘ordinary life’ – feel as though a weight lifts off my shoulders and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that leading an ordinary life has actually something to do with this experience of relief.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to romanticise ‘the ordinary life’ in my mind through picturing it as a peaceful and quiet existence, while I come from an ordinary life and it was anything but peaceful and quiet – it was filled with confusion, conflict, frustration and depression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can change my lifestyle in such a way that I won’t have to take responsibility or face confusion, conflict, frustration and depression.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that no matter what ‘type’ of life I lead – I am the one leading it, I take myself with me – and thus, no matter where I am, I will always have to face myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that I could just forget about everything I have learned in the past few years so that I could go back to a life of ‘blissful ignorance’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a life of bliss actually exists in this world.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that the voice in my mind tempting me to simply walk away and take the ‘easy road’ is not real, but merely a program of the mind, designed to keep me enslaved to my mind, to ensure that I never actually realise myself, that I never actually stand up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing backdoors to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself through accepting and allowing backdoors to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just breathe through these ‘thoughts of temptation’, but instead participate in them, consider them and empower them – and in that kid and con myself into a state of delusion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing to consider to allow just one thought to throw me off my feet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider that a thought is superior to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that thoughts are superior to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my thoughts know what’s best for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mind knows what’s best for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind absolutely.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have developed my most intimate and trusting relationship with my mind while completely disregarding myself or the actual physical reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define intimacy within having secret thoughts in my mind – where it’s ‘just me and my thoughts’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that intimacy exists within hiding secrets and having backchat.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be intimate with myself and develop a consistent effective intimate relationship with myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mind has always been there for me and that it has ‘proven itself trustworthy’ over time – where my mind has proven ‘useful’ in deceiving others in order to control the situation and manipulate it to what I want to experience/have happen.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define effective relationships in terms of their ability to ensure my survival as a mind and mind-personality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a positive experience to the words ‘ordinary life’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to stop an uncomfortable experience of myself is to run away.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I cannot run away from myself and I cannot escape from myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that actively participating in the process of stopping the mind is actually taking the easy road and that if I feel/experience it as though I am taking the hard road, it is merely because I am not applying myself effectively, where I allow thoughts, resistance, backchat and fear to determine my experience of myself – instead of facing and investigating the points in detail and specificity, to stop the automated behaviours in and of the mind, to make way for myself to be able to effectively and consistently apply myself and participate within the physical reality.
When and as I see myself considering to walk away from my process and my responsibilities, to instead take the easy road – I stop, I breathe – I realise that my process and the responsibilities are not the problem, but that I am the problem – therefore, I direct myself to investigate any thoughts, backchat, resistance or fear in relation to walking my process or my responsibilities to then clear then with Self-Forgiveness and redirect myself with Self-Corrective Statements.
I commit myself to the process of assisting and supporting myself to stop any mind-interference with my life, with all life – to create a world where beings are able to fully, unconditionally and effectively express themselves and co-exist with each other.
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I went to watch the Lion King in 3D last week. This was the first time that I understood everything of the movie, because I used to watch it in French as a kid and I didn’t always understand it all. I wasn’t even aware that I didn’t understand some words, I would just look at the pictures and ‘automatically’ try to fill in the gaps with what I thought would make sense.
Anyhow, this is the first time that I understood the entire context of the words ‘Hakuna Matata’. The context of it is: When the world turns your back on you, you turn your back on the world and you go on living without worries while ignoring what is going on behind your back, eg: ignoring the rest of the world.
Those two words (Hakuna Matata) are said to mean ‘no worries’ – but there’s more to it than that. The way in which the words ‘Hakuna Matata’ are lived and presented in the movie, is through ignoring one’s responsibilities. See – Simba is actually the new lion king, which gives him responsibilities towards his fellow lions as well as all the other animals within his kingdom – in making sure a balance and harmony is maintained, so that all animals and species are able to co-exist in relative peace, only hunting and feeding off each other when required and, within that, not endangering the other species.
But instead of facing up to his past: the loss of his father and his own emotions of shame and guilt in believing he is responsbile for his father’s death – he runs away and hides in paradise. Here he is seemingly fulfilled and happy and has ‘all he wants’ – until his past catches up with him. His childhood friend – Nala – finds him, and in hearing what his father’s kingdom ended up like in the hands of his uncle, Scar, he starts seeing that his apparent bliss in paradise, is not valid. After the words of a monkey' saying that one can either run away from their past or face it and learn from it: he decides to leave his life of bliss behind and take responsibility for his kingdom.
And there you have it – the basic principles of how we walk the process of self-forgiveness, self-application, self-responsibility, common sense, best for all: presented in a children’s movie.
Now – as a child I never realised that this is what the movie was about. What I took with me from the movie was: “I want to live like Timon and Pumba with Hakuna Matata, doing fun things in paradise and not having to worry about ANYTHING - EVER!! YAAAAAY!” – lol. And that’s what we do as children; we feel we can’t handle our reality and we go and hide in imaginary places – creating ‘another’ world for ourselves, in our own minds, where things are ‘better for us’. And what we learned in childhood, we continued doing throughout our lives, as we grew older, all the way into adulthood – spending most of our time in an illusionary world of ‘glimmer’ and ‘bliss’, while completely ignoring the actual reality as it is physically playing out around us.
Let’s manifest a world wherein children don’t feel the need to hide from the world, where children actually feel welcome, where children actually have fun, and where children take responsibility for themselves and their world, because they see that it is worth it.
To do that, we start with ourselves by facing our past, forgiving ourselves for who we were and what we’ve done in our past and learning from the past. As Simba, we cannot hide from our past, from ourselves and from our responsibilities forever. And it is simply a matter of making a decision: to live in ignorance as ‘personal bliss’, or to do what is in the benefit, in the interest of all, to create a world where no-one ever will feel the need to hide in ignorance again.
I am not saying that it is easy – I’m saying that it can be done.
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