Snowy is one of the two Pyrenean Mountain dogs that live with me. Those who have met her know her to be a big, fluffy, goofy dog that likes to barks at anything that moves, is very lazy on walks, and has the sweetest eyes – that is, of course, when she’s not barking at something. That would be her ‘usual self’. About a month ago she started acting – hmm, what is the word – well, ‘odd’, to say the least.

One significant change was her behavior towards Cesar. She would usually be gentle with him and allow him to come close and lick him once in a while, but otherwise not be too ‘phased’ about his presence. He was able to come up to her and lean against her while she remained calm and patient. Now, about a month ago, what started happening every time Cesar came into the room, or if she could hear him in the other room, she would immediately go into ‘high alert mode’ and start following him around as though to ‘keep an eye on him’ that he doesn’t do anything that ‘he’s not supposed to’ – yet at the same time, try to back off when he would come close. So – she was literally pacing around him while trying to keep a certain distance at the same time. If she would sit, it would be for a second, and then she was up pacing again. And when he did manage to come close, she would seem to be fighting within herself where on the one side she’d want to scare him away/off of her and on the other hand, obsessively lick him all over.

The other significant change was that she started adopting a toy as though it was her baby. Where, she would pick one toy and keep it with her at all times. When she was walking around, it would be in her mouth and when she was laying down, she would put it in front or next to her and lick it. And when she’d lose her toy, she would go around to everyone making a whining/crying sound. One night, she was standing besides me whining/crying, but she had her toy (at that moment her ‘baby’ was a monkey-teddy) in her mouth. So, I wasn’t sure what she wanted. Eventually, I figured out she was trying to find a ‘safe space’ for her and her ‘baby’. She only stopped crying/whining once I made a little ‘cave’ for her with pillows under LJ’s desk.

The behavior of her taking a toy as a baby, we had seen before and so we thought it was part of a hormonal cycle – where this motherly behavior gets triggered by hormones – and that somehow she had translated that behavior to Cesar as well. Of course, with Cesar, she started to become a ‘danger-point’ as she was unpredictable while within that ‘high alert’ energy – and with her being a large dog, we kept her away from Cesar as much as possible, waiting for this ‘hormonal phase’ to pass. But it didn’t…

So, one night I realized this was carrying on for too long and that something else must be going on. I placed my hand on her chest, breathed and then checked which person was a match for the point she was working with – which of course, was me – lol.

The next point was to see: what point is she showing me about myself??

What opened up for me was quite fascinating – I don’t know if I would have seen/realized this point if it weren’t for my Snowy-bear assisting me with such specificity – I’ll share in my next post! Learn more »

I often babysit Cesar in the afternoons while Leila is exercising and taking care of Charlie, her other baby (her horse :) ). Cesar likes being outside and amongst the dogs the most, but when it is cold or rainy, we’ll look for things to do in his room. One of the activities he’s been more interested in recently is playing with blocs, like duplo blocks or blocks that have a hole of a particular shape in them that he ‘has to’ then hang around a little tower of a particular shape. One thing here is that it is fascinating how we take our motoric skills for granted. It seems so easy to just put two duplo blocks together and make them stick and then start building a house or a plane or a tower or just some random figure. We don’t remember that at some point in our lives, we didn’t have the skills to do that and that we walked a process of continuous trial and error that demanded a lot of concentration on our part to slowly start developing the muscles and flexibility to put two duplo blocks together and make them stick the way you want them to.

So, Cesar is now walking that process of developing these motoric skills with lots of trial and error. Now, I started noticing an interesting experience within myself when I would see Cesar struggle or ‘get it wrong’. I noticed it first on a physical level, like a contraction in my solar plexus area and I would ‘hold my breath’ ever so slightly. In looking at it more closely, I could see that fear of ‘getting it wrong’ and wanting to prevent Cesar from ‘getting it wrong’.

So – what does ‘getting it wrong’ even mean – there’s several scenarios I’m referring to with that, from where I will see his actions/attempts as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.

One is when he is for instance playing with the blocs that have holes of a particular shape in them, that he has to pull/drop over a tower of the matching shape. So, the block with the circular hole goes over the circular tower, the block with the rectangular hole goes over the rectangular tower etc. For me as an adult, I can see at first glance which shape he will be able to pull/drop over which tower and I also understand that this is the purpose of the game, that this is what it is designed for. As Cesar is picking up the shapes and turning them around, banging them together, tossing them across the room, he is just exploring these objects and what he can do with it. But with me understanding the ‘purpose’ of the game, I see it as the ‘wrong thing to do’ and I kind of become impatient, because I just really want him to ‘get’ that he can put these shapes over the towers! Because from my perspective, he hasn’t really ‘gotten the right answer’ until he realizes that the shapes are ‘supposed to’ go over the tower, lol.

So, here – I was projecting the idea that Cesar would feel proud of himself after having figured out that he could make the pieces fit over the towers. Here, actually, projecting my own experience when ‘getting something right’ and the belief that something is not worth doing and a waste of my time. I would have to resist the urge to show Cesar how to place the blocks over the tower, lol. But those ideas, beliefs and desires didn’t exist in Cesar – he was just exploring and here I was wanting to steer and limit his activity towards only one possible option of how to play with blocks.

I’ll continue in my next post.

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Leila had been pregnant for almost 9 months before Cesar was born, but my mind had not been able to 'conceptualize' what was happening or what was about to happen, that a baby would join us on the farm. Whenever I had attempted to imagine what it would be like to have Cesar on the farm before he was born, my mind would just go blank. We could read up on babies, what babies do and what they go through - but it doesn't really prepare you for the actuality of a baby being here with you. So, when Cesar was born and I met him, he was sleeping. And that's all it was - he was here now - and that's that.

Back home I was a bit reluctant to for instance hold Cesar, so I was quite reserved and rather observed what Leila and Gian did. The fear existed of having this innocent, physical child and somehow influencing him, by somehow not being clear in one's starting point or having some program or system running that one is not aware of and that Cesar would pick up on, on a resonant/physical or energetic level. At the same time there was an uncomfortability due to 'not knowing' how to hold a baby - where initially one does everything in slow-motion to be extra aware of where each hand is and where he is supported and where not - and with every grunt/sound/face Cesar made, exchanging glances with Leila/Gian so as to ask 'is this okay? am I doing something wrong that he is reacting to?' - lol. Sunette assisted a lot with giving suggestions on how to be around Cesar - to ensure that one is in one's own physical body - breathing - physically anchored - and to speak with low voices - not soft, but low, grounded. The second time I held Cesar, he was sleeping and I was sitting in Leila's rocking chair. While holding him I focused on my breath - clearing any tensions until I was present as myself in every part of my body. At that moment, it was as though Cesar and my body 'melted together' - there was no more separation - we were both here in the physical, equal and one.

I'll continue sharing more of my experiences with Cesar in this blog in the time to come - enjoy! Learn more »

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that women who don't enjoy pregnancy are bad mothers - I stop, I breathe - I realise that this is an opinion that I have copied from my mother from a memory wherein she judged my French teacher as a moron/dumbass when she'd said that she hated pregnancy - and where I thought that my mom is probably right - and thus, I commit myself to let go of the opinion that serves no practical purpose than to elevate myself through ego.

When and as I see myself assuming that I know what pregnancy and motherhood is like - I stop, I breathe - I realise that my knowledge is just made up of opinions, beliefs, pictures, thoughts, impressions, interpretations, projections, etc.that have no foundation within actual living, actual reality and actual experience, which I have created into apparent 'knowledge' of what pregnancy and moterhood are like as a means to convince myself that I should do it as well as an attempt to prepare myself for it - and thus, I commit myself to let go of this unfounded knowledge and to gain some practical perspective by consideration the practical implications of motherhood and pregnancy and what it physically implies.

When and as I see myself imagining myself holding a baby that is sleeping or playing with a child in a park - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am defining the entire motherhood experience within but a few moments as though motherhood exclusively consists of such moments of enjoyment, where I am deliberately deluding myself by looking at motherhood through pink glasses - beause I want to be able to believe that motherhood will bring about this point of completion and fulfillment that I have been longing for - and thus, I commit myself to fulfill and complete myself within this very moment through breathing in all that exists and bringing it here as myself - as well as, I remind myself of the poo-factor and the screaming and the crying and the tiredness of which I have actual real experience - to pop myself out of my mind-bubble and get real.

When and as I see myself reaching to memories to define who I am - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I cannot take memories at face value, since firstly, I will twist and distort memories in my mind and secondly, I require to actually investigate who I was within the moment of the memory to assess whether this memory is in any way useful - and thus, I commit myself to take a closer look at who I was within the memory to assess the relevancy of the memory in terms of whether or not it can assist me within the present moment and simply stop defining myself according to the memory, as the memory can never dictate who I am within the present moment, but can only provide information about the past - and thus, I embrace who I am within the very simplicity of being here in breath.

When and as I see myself attaching a particular value to a certain experience where I interpret the experience as a sign of God or the Universe trying to tell me that I should make a certain commitment, decision or take a particular direction - I stop, I breathe - I realise that I am elevating a self-created mind-experience to the status of God - and thus, seperating me from myself to the ultimate extent - and where I completely abdicate all self-responsibility within the commitment, decision or direction, because - apparently, I was being led on by something or someone else, while all the while I was the initiator and creator of my own experience - and thus, I commit myself to investigate the origin of the experience to understand why I created it and to realise that it is nothing special or more than me, to from there, be able to align myself according to the particular realisations that open up from the investigation - and I commit myself to consider all points within the commitment, decision or 'choice' of direction before me so that the point is acted upon from the principle of What is Best for All and is not simply based on an energetic experience that won't even last.

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