Day 97: Dying without Regret - What did I do with my Life?

For Context, please check out the Discussion currently happening on Facebook on the Afterlife Awareness and After-Death Communication page - under the following post:

The true definition of what "death" is has been on my mind recently. I've read about many people experiencing OBE's during surgery, during very traumatic accidents and many other situations where their systems were in shock. What I find even more interesting is many of the same out of body experiences are occurring in people who are normally healthy. It's called astral travel or astral projection. I was a critic until I began "flying" at the beginning of 2012. It started happening at night, usually the moment I fall asleep, however it has recently been occurring during the day in deep meditation. My physical body is not dead yet I experience travel on many different dimensions. I can no longer honestly say that death is an ending, rather it's a beginning of new experience or an awakening. Anyone else experiencing this beautiful phenomenon?
OBE's, NDE's, ADC - all these points are not the sole cause of the state of the world. They are rather ways in which we participate in the one problem that is causing the state of the world: which is not taking responsibility. And this is something people do in general, not just love-and-light-seekers, not just OBE'rs, NDE'rs or this particular facebook group. I personally don't have any experience with OBE/NDE or ADC. But I understand the underlying motivations for it. And that is where the problem lies.

We grow up in this world as children expecting nothing but fun - and then we grow up and we see that things are tough and people are often nasty. We learn about how we have to earn money to get by and we learn about how there are people who don't have money to survive. We learn about deception, about manipulation and about abuse. Now - we can either try to live our own lives and try to be as happy as we can be on an individual level - or we can look at why the world is the way it is and how we can fix it. As far as I'm concerned, I only have this one life - I may have more, but I can't verify such claims. So - I work with what I know: I have one lifetime. And in a life, we actually have quite a lot of time - and if I dedicate this time towards investigating the problems in the world and finding solutions that would work for everyone - as well as taking the staps to actually implement those solutions - then that is a life worth living. If all would do this, the world would be sorted out in no time. But instead - I've found that people prefer to just try to make their own life work and try to find some happiness and fulfillment on a personal level. I mean - that's what I was doing, that's what everyone I've ever met was/is doing. But to me that is not acceptable, because that means that when I bring a child into the world, it will expect a life of fun, but instead, I will present it with the same disappointments and horrors that I was faced with growing up: that this world is a mess and that no-one has really done any attempt to change it in any susbtantial way.

As I said, I don't have experience with OBE and things like that - but I had a different 'mission' or passion in my life - which was dancing. It was my one point of 'light' and 'comfort' because when I was dancing, I did not think about everything else in my life - it was just me, my body, other people's bodies, the music, the rythm, the flow - it was like perfect harmony and like in that moment nothing else existed but this perfect harmony. And I was great in school - I skipped a grade because I was considered 'above average' in intelligence, but I wasn't interested in studying - I wanted to dedicate my life to dancing on a professional level, because that was what made me happy.

Then I came across Desteni and I was faced with the same question you're faced with now: which was - why do you do it? Do you do it from a starting point of self-interest or because it will bring about solutions that work for everyone? And to test the answer for myself I did the following: I imagined my life without dancing. Immediately, I felt sooo sad, desperate and depressed. And that's how I knew that the reason I danced was to hide from how I really feel - to try to be happy on an individual level. It was not because it was going to help anyone - although, I could probably make up reasons and justifications of how dancing can help people. That was not the point - the point is not whether it could help people, the point was that this was not the reason why I was doing it. I was doing it to feel something positive, to feel special, to feel good about myself. But those experiences were not real or valid, because they didn't last - they only lasted for as long as I was dancing. I wasn't a ball of light, I wasn't special and I wasn't in any way better or a virtuous person. I just felt that way.

So - when I realised what I've just explained - I made a decision to give up dancing for this life - to stop trying to dedicate my life to dancing. Because I realised that dancing was not going to change me - it was just going to change the way I feel for a moment. And if I would continue participating in my blissful state of dancing, it would stand in my way of really facing who I am and what I really experience - and it would stand in my way of seeing the problems in the world and how they need to be sorted out. No-one wants to feel shitty, but we all do on some level. And from one perspective, we all have to sort out our internal world, but from another, we have to sort out the external conditions that support inner conflict and inner confusion as well. So - I decided that with this lifetime - I had a decision to make - and I decided to dedicate the time I have in this life towards finding real solutions instead of personal happiness and gratification.

And this is the decision each of you basically have to make - not that we're demanding it or because we're popping the question - it's a decision you make whether you're aware of it or not - now we're just placing the question in your awareness so you can make a more informed decision. Unless we realise that we're all in the same boat - whether we're an OBE'r a dancer, a drug addict, a criminal or, a desperate housewife, or a disillusioned child - we're only ever going to be chasing happiness through personal experiences - but it will never be real and it will never last and it will never create the world we actually would like to live in.

And - it is not about joining Desteni or agreeing with 'us'. This is about who you want to be and what you'll say when you die when you ask yourself the question: What did I actually do with my Life?
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Day 96: I'm Responsible for My Experiences

This blogpost is a continuation to:
Day 95: Riding on the Wave of Others' Change
Dag 94: Spontaneity vs. Impulsiveness - What does it Mean to Live in the Moment?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others when I experience disappointment, projecting the cause of the disappointment unto them, when actually i am the cause as I came from an experience of 'hope' as the positive polarity, which eventually had to end in a negative polarity of disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within blaming others for my experience of disappointment for leaving a point unfinished of which I expected/hoped that it would possibly change my life in an exciting/sensational way, go into an experience of anger towards them and experience the emotion of betrayal, as though the other betrayed me - as though they had promised me something and broke their promise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I create expectations or assumptions about what others will do or how others will behave, in a way of which I hope/expect to receive some sort of benefit - also create the idea/perception/belief that the other has made a promise to me, when none of it is actually real, but all conjured up in my mind through interpretation of what it is that I want to see things as, that would 'make me happy'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when and as I see others leave a point unfinished of which I wanted them to keep pursuing it, think "you made it look like you were going to stick with this point all the way and now you didn't" in an attempt to justify my anger and blame towards the other.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realise that the anger has nothing to do with them, but that I am merely experiencing my anger towards myself for not taking responsibility for my own life and taking my own initiative and pursuing it - facing and walking through my fears to move myself and make my own wave of change, instead of riding on others'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my self-experience on how others are experiencing themselves, like when they are excited, I will become excited as well - and when they stop being excited, I stop being excited as well - and then blame the other for me not being excited -when all the while, I'm the one who separated myself from self-enjoyment through defining it in an energetic experience of excitement, which in essence is an experience of hope.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from enjoyment through defining enjoyment in an energetic experience of excitement and hope - and thus, for making others responsible for my enjoyment, instead of realising that enjoyment is self-enjoyment and is not dependent on energy or others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have developed a resentment towards impulsiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring up past experiences of anger, resentment, betrayal, anger, blame and disappointment whenever I see someone dive into a new point, where I see/think that they are being impulsive/making an impulsive commitment, on a whim and will not stick to it - therefore, going into a future projection, based on the past, thinking/believing I know the outcome before it has happened.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become resentful towards beings who make decisions in a moment, equating a decision made in the moment to an impulsive decision and equating an impulsive decision to a decision that one does not remain committed to, but jumps into and then leaves unfinished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate a decision made in the moment to an impulsive decision and to a decision that one does not remain committed to, but jumps into and then leaves unfinished -therefore, resisting making decisions in the moment, because I, basically, don't trust myself to see it through, but already expect myself to fail beforehand.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself when making a decision in the moment in clarity, but, instead, impose unto such decisions my experiences I have had in the past of when I made decisions or saw others make decisions in energy, where, as soon as the energy runs out or changes polarity,t he commitment stops and the decision is 'broken'.

To be continued.


Day 95: Riding on the Wave of Others' Change

This blog is a continuation to:
Dag 94: Spontaneity vs. Impulsiveness - What does it Mean to Live in the Moment?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live through others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give others the responsibility of making my life interesting and successful through me living through others' actions, experiences, endeavours and accomplishments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of hope when I would see others jumping into the deep end as they took on a particular project or endeavour - like, submerging themselves within it entirely and completely - because I believed that this is something that was impossible, believing it was impossible because I was afraid of losing myself, of losing control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always hold myself back and never allow myself to pursue a point entirely and completely out of fear of losing myself and out of fear of losing control.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose myself, instead of realising that i am me and therefore, how can I ever lose myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose control, instead of realising that control is a Con and turns me into a Troll - because instead of supporting the expression and flow of life, I would only support suppression, constriction and limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed when I see another person give up on the point they were just so enthusiastic and passionate about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up expectations about what MY Life will be like if the other person pursues a particular point to completion and how I will be able to just benefit off of their efforts - and therefore, become disappointed when they would give up pursuing the point, because that means all my expectations would no tbe fulfilled and my life would not change in any significant way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect others to fix my life or make my life more exciting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect others to carry me through the necessary changes to be made in my life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be willing to 'put myself out there' and test the point of change for myself - but wait for others to first explore it and only once I think/believe it is safe, to implement the change in my own life.

I forgive mysel for accepting and allowing myself to immediately react in fear when faced with a point of change - whether it is a small or a big change - because I think/believe that everything that is in place at the moment works and is safe - and therefore, think/believe that if something were to change, that things may become more difficult or may involve more of some kind of perceived danger.

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Dag 94: Spontaneity vs. Impulsiveness - What does it Mean to Live in the Moment?

In my life, I've known several people who tended to be very impulsive. It's like they heard about or saw something new and then would 'delve into it' all the way - like they were on a mission. I used to enjoy seeing them do this, it was fascinating to me - because they just in one moment took a certain direction and stuck with it. At least for a while... Generally, they'd become disinterested and then their participation in that one point would just stop or water down - in the end, leaving things unfinished or not really accomplishing anything.

Within myself, in seeing people behave/act this way where they would just leave things hanging, I experienced disappointment. Because - within seeing individuals just jump into things without fear or hesitation, I created an experience of 'hope' within myself - that things can be different. Because, within myself, I was generally too afraid to just plunge into something new without first considering things or dipping my toes in the water. I was always cautious, controlling - but within that, I felt I wasn't really accomplishing anything 'sensational' - only things that were 'satisfactory'.

So - when I'd see another just immediately jumping in the deep end, I'd watch with hopeful and expectful eyes - and then in seeing the person just leave the point as suddenly as they took it on - I got disappointed. But not only disappointed, there was also an experience of anger - anger, because I blamed them for me feeling disappointed. And not only anger, but also a sense of 'betrayal' - lol - like 'you made it look like you were going to stick with this point all the way and now you didn't!' - lol. Instead of me taking action for myself and working through my fear, anxiety and desire for control - to be able to just express myself and allow myself to be passionate about things - and to allow myself to accomplish things that are sensational - instead of doing that, I would expect others to do it and let me 'ride on their wave of change'. Because also what would happen when people would engage in something new like that, they'd be excited and tell me about it - and so, I got to share in that excitement - and then when the point is left, that excitement stops, and so does my excitement stop.

And so, after a while, I developed a resentment towards impulsiveness - where those experiences of disappointment, anger, blame and betrayal would surface as soon as I'd see someone just suddenly being all over a certain point - because I'd think 'it's just another 'phase' and it would just end up going nowhere. And, what's more, is that I would interpret any decision made in a moment as an impulsive decision - thinking and believing that any decision that is made in the moment is a decision to which a person will not remain committed.

Within this, I've created a resistance towards decisions that are made in a moment - where I'll first take on an attitude of 'wait and see' - first wanting to establish whether this decision would be consistently lived and only then, would I consider joining in. Within the Desteni group, you'll find that decisions are always made in the moment - so, for instance, with the Journey to Life blogs - when this point was presented, suggesting that we'll, individually and together as a group, walk a process of posting a blog every day for 7 years. To me - this seemed like an 'impulsive' decision, when actually, it was just a spontaneous decision. So, what's the difference?

An impulsive decision is a decision made based on a thought, based on energy. Initially, when making the decision and implementing it, a reward is received in the form of positive energy. The thing is, this energy runs out after a while, or it starts to take more effort to generate the same amount of positive energy. When this happens, the motivation to stick with the decision slowly or not so slowly disappears and one no longer holds up one's commitment to the decision.

A spontaneous decision, on the other hand - is a decision that is made in the moment, not 'in the spur of the moment', but in the clarity of the moment. A moment where the decision stands clear as something that needs to be done or something one would like to commit to.

To be continued.
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Day 93: How to Make a Self-Honest Decision?

I've had several people asking how to make a self-honest decision - like, how can they be sure that the decision they make is self-honest. See - the tendency exists to try to make decisions in one's mind, where reasons for one or the other way are floating around in one's mind and one cannot really see clearly. The mind will continuously jump from one side to the other, from one reason to the other, creating confusion, doubt and fear.

The method I use, especially with decisions that involve a lot of fear - where the mind perceives it has a lot to lose if one goes for 'Door 1' or 'Door 2' - to make the decision-making process a practical one. Practical - meaning: to not try/attempt to make a decision in one's mind - because herein one will never see where one is self-honest and where one is not. Therefore - here is a suggested method:

To take a piece of paper and make two columns. Let's say the decision pertains to moving in with someone or staying to live by oneself. A decision has to be made between:

Option 1: Moving in with X
Option 2: Living by myself

Once you have established what options are involved in your decision - you write at the top of the first column 'Moving in with X' - or whatever your first option is - and 'Living by myself' - or whatever your second option is - at the top of the second column. Then strike a horizontal line underneath those words, accross both columns.

Then - under the horizontal line, in column one - you list all the reasons that come to mind of why you would go for Option 1 - or in our example: why you would Move in with X. This can be for instance:

- I'll have more fun living with another person
- I need someone to help me financially
- I deserve to have the experience of having a roommate
- Then I don't have to miss X when I'm home
- etc.

Once you've listed all the reasons that come to mind in relation to Moving in with X (or your Option 1), do the same for Option 2.

IMPORTANT: Within Identifying the reasons that come to mind in relation to Option 1 or Option 2 - be Absolutely Self-Honest. Meaning: Don't leave anything out - even if it only pops up for a tiny second and then you go 'nah, that's not really a reason' - go back - and add the reason in. The fact that it came up means that on some level it does influence and impact your decision-making process.

Once you have listed all your reasons for either Moving in with X or staying ot live by yourself, take one reason at a time and unconditionally apply Self-Forgiveness on any point of self-dishonesty that you can identify within that particular reason for either chosing for Option 1 or Option 2. Once you have cleared the first reason of all Self-Dishonesty (after which you may or may not have debunked the reason altogether), you repeat the same process of self-forgiveness with every other reason on your piece of paper.

After your self-forgiveness, you'll find that most of the reasons you wrote down on your piece of paper were not actually self-honest reasons but were merely justifications used to try and convince yourself that either Option 1 or Option 2 is the right thing to do. So - after your self-forgiveness, you'll be able to identify which reasons are valid considerations and which are not. If you're lucky, you'll only have one valid reason - which makes your decision-making easy, because then you simply look at which column the reason is in and you see which option would be self-honest. If you have several options to consider, you can now do so without the other reasons floating around in the background, which 'clog' your view and make it difficult to see the trees through the forest.

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Dag 92: Staan in de Stilte van de Storm

Deze Blog-post is een vervolg op:

Dag 88: Waarom Kan mijn Paard niet Eeuwig Leven?
Day 89: Iemand Verliezen aan Kanker
Dag 90: Relaties en Afhankelijkheid 

Dag 91: Mijzelf de Schuld Geven

Als en wanneer ik zie dat ik in mijn mind meteen de 'worst-case-scenario' verwacht wanneer ik hoor dat iemand ziek is - dan stop ik, dan adem ik - ik realiseer mij dat deze verwachting tweevoudig is waarbij ik ten eerste mijzelf probeer voor te bereiden op mijn ergste angst en dat die angst werd geactiveerd, aangezien het nu meer waarschijnlijk is dat die angst realiteit is/wordt - en ten tweede, omdat er een perverse hoop bestaat dat de worst-case-scenario zal manifesteren/waar is, door het geloof dat het hebben van drama in mijn leven, mijn leven meer realistisch, meer interessant, meerwaardig maakt - en dus, ik verbind mijzelf ertoe om de verwachting en de reacties te stoppen omdat ik al de informatie nog niet heb - en dus, in plaats van mijzelf te proberen voor te bereiden op iets wat misschien niet zal gebeuren, vraag ik naar verdere informatie - of ik laat de informatie los totdat ik meer weet en het zinvol is om de informatie te overwegen.

Als en wanneer ik zie dat ik mijzelf in de toekomst projecteer om mijzelf te proberen voor te bereiden op het verlies van iemand, zoals mijn moeder of mijn paard - dan stop ik, dan adem ik - ik realiseer mij dat dit een manier is om te proberen door de emoties heen te werken voordat het gebeuren zich voordoet, zodat de pijn later minder zal zijn - en ik realiseer mij dat nu wenen geen verschil zal uitmaken, ik kan de punten identificeren waar ik nu nog iets aan kan doen of waarin ik mijzelf zou moeten corrigeren - maar om emoties te voelen gewoon met het doel van emotioneel te zijn gaat geen verschil uitmaken en ik zal wanneer ik de persoon/het dier werkelijk verlies, nog steeds worstelen en door mijn emoties heen moeten werken.

Als en wanneer ik zie dat ik een gedachtepatroon binnenstap in de lijnen van 'mijn leven is te saai, ik heb meer actie en drama nodig' - dan stop ik, dan adem ik - ik realiseer mij dat zo'n gedachtepatroon het gevolg is van het kijken naar films en TV-series, waarbij ik 'leven' heb gelijkgesteld aan voortdurende drama en 'ups en downs' - en ik realiseer mij dat in plaats van te kijken naar waar in mijn leven ik niet ten volle leef, wat mij het gevoel van 'verveling' geeft - ik mijzelf een 'quickfix' probeer te geven via drama. En dus, ik verbind mijzelf ertoe om mijn percepties van het leven in relatie tot drama, TV-series en films los te laten, want zij zijn enkel gebaseerd op fictie en het genereren van conflict en energie om mensen te entertainen en, eigenlijk, verslaafd te maken aan de energie die ze genereren wanneer ze naar de TV-serie of film kijken - en ik verbind mijzelf ertoe om de oorzaak van het gevoel van verveling te onderzoeken in het identificeren waar in mijn leven ik niet ten volle leef, maar mijzelf terughoudt, wat mij het gevoel van niet vervuld te zijn geeft - omdat ik mijzelf niet vervul.

Als en wanneer ik zie dat ik denk in de vorm van 'als dit gebeurt is mijn leven over' - dan stop ik, dan adem ik - ik realiseer mij dat zo'n statements een uitdrukking zijn van absolute zelf-limitatie waarin ik mijn bestaan en mijzelf in mijn geheel afhankelijk maak van iets of iemand anders - en dus, ik verbind mijzelf ertoe om te alle zelf-definities, geloofsovertuigingen, percepties en angsten te identificeren en los te laten zodat ik mij kan realiseren dat ik alleen kan staan en dat niets of niemand anders bepaalt wie ik ben.

Als en wanneer ik zie dat ik mijn toekomst probeer te plannen wanneer ik in een emotionele staat ben - dan stop ik, dan adem ik - ik realiseer mij dat de plannen die ik maak wanneer ik in een emotionele staat zijn niet zelf-eerlijk zijn aangezien ik vanuit een startpunt van eigenbelang een oplossing probeer te zoeken, in plaats van naar de zaken te kijken in common sense - en dus, ik verbind mijzelf ertoe om eerst al mijn reacties te onderzoeken en aan te pakken, zodat ik mijzelf stabiliseer en vanuit die zelf-stabiliteit en klaarte kijk ik met nieuwe ogen naar de situatie en neem alle punten in overweging in het nemen van een besluit met gezond verstand.

Als en wanneer ik zie dat ik probeer weg te lopen van mijn problemen - dan stop ik, dan adem ik - ik realiseer mij dat ik niet werkelijk probeer weg te lopen van een bepaald punt in mijn omgeving, maar dat ik probeer weg te lopen van mijzelf, want het punt in mijn omgeving is niet het probleem, maar mijn relatie ten opzichte van dat punt en de reacties die ik heb jegens dit punt - en dus, ik verbind mijzelf ertoe om mijzelf te herinneren van het feit dat ik niet van mijzelf kan weglopen en dat waar ik ook ga, ik met mijzelf opgezadeld ben - lol - en dus, ik beweeg mijzelf ertoe om mijzelf onder ogen te komen en mijn relatie ten opzichte van het bepaalde punt waar ik op reageer herdefinieer tot een relatie van eenheid en gelijkheid.

Als en wanneer ik zie dat ik alle moed en hoop verlies wanneer ik een ander pijn zie lijden of een ander zie worstelen met een punt of een ander zie huilen - dan stop ik, dan adem ik - ik realiseer mij dat ik mijn moed, mijn stabiliteit en mijn kracht heb gedefinieerd in die persoon, in afscheiding van mijzelf en dus, wanneer ik die kwaliteiten in de ander niet zie, geloof ik dat ik ze zelf ook verlies - en dus, ik verbind mijzelf ertoe om moet, kracht en stabiliteit te aanvaarden en omarmen in en als mijzelf en mijzelf gelijk te stellen aan die andere persoon in relatie tot deze punten, zodat mijn kracht, stabiliteit en moed niet afhankelijk zijn van iemand anders.
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